Humanity Is Vulnerable
by Piscean6724
Summary: THIS IS THE EDITED VERSION. Roy returns to work after being seriously injured in a traffic accident only to find that his life is soon turned upside down and the field of paramedicine will be changed forever. *COMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1

A/N: In order for the timeline of this story to work, please assume that Gage and DeSoto were not promoted to Captain until at least twelve years after the pilot episode aired. This story contains adult content. There is no slash between canon characters. If adult content is offensive to you, please do not read. The story has been edited in order to meet the guidelines of this site. Thank you.

Humanity is Vulnerable-1e

Roy stepped out of the shower and began to dry off. Today was the day he'd been waiting for for nearly three months. He had finally been cleared to return to work as a paramedic at Station 51 following a horrific traffic accident while he was driving the squad. He had been following his partner, John Gage who was accompanying a patient to the hospital when a young driver, high on speed, had run through an intersection T-boning the squad on the driver's side. Roy ran a finger along the abdominal scar following the removal of his damaged spleen. He'd suffered a concussion and abdominal injuries resulting in significant blood loss; requiring three units. He silently said a quick prayer of gratefulness for the blood bank at Rampart General Hospital.

Using his towel, he cleaned the mirror that the hot shower had steamed up. His eyes then shifted to the small bruise just beneath his right collar bone and a warm blush began to color his chest, neck and face. The bruise was the first hickie Joanne had left on him in years and the sight of it took him back to the previous night.

"Kids are sound asleep, Roy." Joanne announced as she entered their bedroom wearing her robe and slippers.

"Good. Join me, Baby?" He asked seductively nodding his head towards the bed and removing his own robe; allowing it to fall to the floor. He was clad only in boxers and his intentions were obvious.

Joanne sauntered up to him placing her hands on his bare chest and smiling into his crystal blue eyes. "Are you sure?" She asked, still somewhat fearful of causing him abdominal pain.

His answer was swift. He clutched her face in both his hands and with hooded eyes he lowered his lips to hers. His tongue was warm and hot as it brushed along her feather soft lips searching for entrance. She quickly parted hers with a slight groan as their tongues danced together in a familiar rhythm. His hands quickly sought out the tie of her robe and with swift dexterity he loosened it and pulled it down over her shoulders. She relaxed her arms allowing it to fall to the floor in a puddled heap near his robe as his mouth began to trail hot wet kisses down her neck. He buried his nose into her hair as his arms wrapped around her thin frame pulling his hips against her flat belly.

"God I need you, Jo." He mumbled into her ear as he began to slowly push her backwards towards their bed.

"I need you too, Roy. I've missed this." She said in a breathy whisper as her arms snaked around his waist and her delicate fingers wiggled beneath the elastic of his boxers and walked down his buttocks gripping them hard and digging into his flesh with her fingernails. Her actions pulled his boxers lower revealing his erection before falling to the floor.

One final step and the backs of her legs made contact with their bed. Before she could lie down, Roy dipped down to grab the hem of her knee length gown and pulled it up over her head. His eyes took in the form of his beautiful wife naked except for a pair of pink lace panties. His fingers lightly brushed across her erect nipples on their way up to the back of her head. His eyes never left hers as he leaned down and once again devoured her mouth with his own.

Joanne felt her knees go weak at the touch she'd been longing for. She allowed herself to be pushed gently down onto their bed onto her back with Roy lying on his left side continuing the passionate kiss. He held up his weight with his left elbow as he held her head in his left hand and allowed his right hand to roam across her body searching out the places he knew she liked to be touched. He was encouraged further by her obvious readiness for him and he quickly divested her of the only clothing remaining between them.

"Oh Roy….yes…" she heaved as he positioned himself and she wrapped her legs around his. Her fingers ran roughly through his auburn hair forgetting about the scar on the left side of his head as their lips met yet again.

Their tongues flitted about the dark caverns of the other as their bodies fell into a familiar cadence. Her moist lips and tongue danced their way down his throat and across his collar bone where she hesitated. Her breathing became ragged and Roy could feel the beginnings of her climax.

"Come for me, Jo…please...I'm so…so close." He rasped out between gasps. "Let it go, Baby. Let me feel it."

Joanne felt the hot quaking begin and then arched her back into her lover. Her fingernails dug into his flesh as her teeth bit down on his collar bone. She sucked his skin into her mouth hard as her entire body trembled with pleasure. Her moans and motions sent Roy over the edge as his own pleasure peak began.

"Auuugggh." He groaned into her hair and pillow as his body convulsed emptying his manhood into her recesses. The room seemed to spin as he experienced the earth shattering climax he'd been denied for so long because of his injuries. When he was finally able to draw a breath, he managed to call her name. "Uh…Joanne….Oh god, I ….I love you."

Joanne smiled breathlessly as she ran her fingers up along his lower back feeling his chiseled muscles all the way up and across his shoulders. She then slowly walked her fingers along his collar bone and up his throat brushing his lips with her thumbs. The sensations nearly caused Roy to collapse as his skin was still tingling from their lovemaking. "Roy…." She huffed as out of breath as her husband. "Roy, that was…oh my …..goodness."

They each basked in the afterglow of their union. Roy lovingly wiped away the moisture that was beginning to pool along her forehead and upper lip. Then he realized that not all the moisture on her face was perspiration. "Jo…Baby, what's wrong? Did I…did I hurt you or something?"

She shook her head negatively. "No Sweetie…..I," she sniffed before continuing. "…was just thinking about how close we came to never enjoying ….."

"Ssshhh," he crooned as he held her close. "Don't think about that now, Baby. I'm here and I'm healed….and everything's gonna be fine." He allowed her a few minutes to release her emotions feeling the wetness pool on his chest as he stroked her hair and caressed her bare shoulders. "Jo, I love you today more than I did yesterday and I loved you more yesterday than I did the day I married you. And I'll love you tomorrow more than today." He commented as he continued to reassure her of his love and their future together. He felt her nod affirmatively even though she couldn't find her voice amid her sobs.

He felt her running her fingers through the hair on his chest as he continued to hold her close. They didn't share anything else audibly but allowed their touches to speak for them. Finally, he felt her body begin to relax completely as her breathing evened out into a slow deep pattern and her fingers ceased their ministrations. He inhaled deeply as he silently chastised himself for his selfishness. He'd never once thought about how his close call had impacted her. He'd never, until tonight, allowed her to release the emotions she'd buried down so deeply following his accident. In the stillness of the night with the love of his life held safely within his arms, he silently vowed to never ever let that happen again. He'd pay more attention to her emotional needs as well as her physical ones. "Love you, Jo." He whispered to the sleeping woman at his side as he kissed her gently on the top of her head before he closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall into a deep and restful sleep.

When they awoke the following morning they both felt energized and well rested.

"Mmmmm, morning, Roy." She said as she ran her small hands over his still naked body.

"Morning, Jo…my love." He crooned wrapping his strong arms around her again and relishing the feel of her soft skin against his own. "Thank you for the most wonderful night…"

She placed her fingers on his lips to stop him from continuing his thought. "Ssshhhh, there's plenty more where that came from, Sweetheart."

"Oh, well…..in that case…" he rolled over on top of her before he finished his sentence. In no time they were once again lost in passionate bliss; panting in each other's arms .

"Shower with me?" He asked when they'd regained their composure.

"Uh-huh." She grinned as they walked hand in hand into their bathroom.

Roy reached up and once more wiped the mirror that had fogged up again in the steamy bathroom. Joanne had already showered and put on her robe to prepare breakfast for him and the kids; leaving Roy alone with his memories of the previous night and his morning send off to the station. With a smile on his face he continued getting dressed before heading downstairs.

E!

"Bye, Dad." Chris called out as he pulled his backpack onto his shoulders and headed out the door. He'd heard the sound of the school bus coming down their street and was walking to the end of the sidewalk ahead of his younger sister.

"Love you, Daddy." Jenny offered giving Roy a quick kiss on the cheek before rushing out the door.

Roy smiled as he stared at the retreating forms of his children on a routine morning; a routine that had almost been lost forever a few weeks earlier. His gaze shifted to see his wife, bedhead hair sticking up in tufts surrounding her pretty face, as she leaned back against the sink nursing her morning coffee. She gave him a flirtatious wink from behind the rim of her cup, holding it to her smiling lips. Roy winked back at her and they both laughed loudly at their own childish behavior. Laughter felt good to them both and Roy wanted one more hug and kiss before he left for his twenty-four hour shift.

"Come here, Baby." He said standing and carrying his plate and coffee cup over to the sink. He reached around her waist to place the dishes into the sink and then took her cup from her fingers and set in down on the counter.

"Don't want to miss work because of coffee burns on my first day back." He snickered pulling her into a warm embrace and kissing her passionately. He briefly sucked her bottom lip before adding a quick peck to her swollen lips as he turned to leave. "Love you, Baby." He said over his shoulder as he grabbed his duffle bag and headed out the door to his car.

"Love you too, Roy….please, be careful, Sweetheart." She whispered to herself in the stillness of the empty house and wiped an errant tear from her cheek before beginning her morning chores.

E!

Chet wheeled into the parking lot of the station just ahead of Johnny; each trying desperately not to be the last man to arrive.

"Ha, beat ya, Gage!" Chet shouted over his shoulder as he headed through the open bay door towards the locker room just as Johnny stepped out of his rover.

"Mornin', Roy…welcome back." Chet offered entering the locker room untucking his shirt.

"Morning, Chet." Roy said sitting down and leaning over to tie his black boots just as his partner rushed through the locker room door with somewhat of a scowl on his face.

Johnny's grim look immediately improved as he saw his partner dressed and ready for their first shift together in nearly three months. "Mornin', mornin', mornin', welcome back, partner."

"Thanks, Junior." Roy said with a smile as he stood up and straightened his pants legs down over his boots. "Think I'll get some coffee and speak to the rest of the guys."

"A'right….catch up with ya in a minute." Gage responded as he quickly disrobed and began pulling on his blue uniform as he cut a quick glare at the curly haired lineman sneering in front of his own locker.

"Might as well just stay in here, Gage. You've got latrines today." Chet chuckled as he waltzed out of the locker room.

"Yea, yea…fuck you!" Johnny's voice echoed in the empty locker room as he quickly finished dressing and joined the rest of his crew.

E!

Roy pushed open the kitchen door and noticed that three sets of eyes were trained on him. "Morning, fellas."

"Good morning, Roy." Marco said as Mike echoed with his own and as usual brief greeting.

"Mornin'…..coffee?"

"DeSoto, welcome back, Pal." Hank said walking over and slapping his senior paramedic on the shoulder. "It sure is nice to have you back with us."

"Thanks, fellas. I'm really happy to be back." He said accepting the coffee cup Mike offered him.

Hank stood up and headed towards the kitchen door. "Roll call in…" he hesitated looking at his watch. "seven minutes."

Roy looked around at his crew mates just as Kelly and Gage came into the kitchen. "So, what did I miss?" He asked taking a tentative sip of coffee.

He had no idea that although he hadn't missed anything of significance around the station during his time on sick leave, it wouldn't be long before his life would be turned upside down…and the field of paramedicine would be forever changed.


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: All Emergency! characters belong to Universal Studios and Mark VII. Original characters belong to the author.

Humanity Is Vulnerable-2e

"What did you miss…..hhmmm…let's see." Chet walked slowly around the table looking at the ceiling and tapping his fingers on his chin. He then quickly jerked his head in Roy's direction and snapped his fingers in the air. "A-ha….I got it." He grinned.

"Got what?" Roy asked knowing that whatever the young lineman said would not be useful information.

"It was so scary, DeSoto! I mean, you just wouldn't believe it." He hesitated for added effect. "Henry…took a nap." He shot the lazy dog a look and then glanced back over at Roy. "Right there on the sofa, Roy. It was amazing."

"Well, you don't say." Roy smirked sipping his coffee.

"Chet, you are so full o' shit!" Johnny snarled pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"I'm outta here." Mike said heading for the door rolling his eyes.

"Right behind you." Marco added.

Johnny took a quick sip of his coffee then set it down on the table to be finished after roll call.

E!

"Well men," Hank Stanley began as he stood before his crew. "I know we are all thinking the same thing so I'll speak for the group." He took a couple of steps forward and stood directly in front of his younger paramedic. "Gage….."

Johnny stood at attention but his face displayed his obvious confusion, eyebrows knitted together.

"…..is that the same mouth you kiss your Momma with?"

Johnny hung his head. "Oh, sorry, Cap." Johnny silently kicked himself for his abundant use of profanity on this particular morning.

"Now, on to more important matters." Hank made the quarter turn and took a couple of steps before standing in front of his senior paramedic. "Roy, you have been greatly missed around here and on behalf of the other men standing beside you let me say,….welcome back, brother." Hank extended his hand to Roy.

"Ah, thank you, Cap. It's, ah…it's really good to be back." The two exchanged looks that spoke volumes as Hank patted the younger man on the back.

"Now, Marco you have the dayroom, Chet you have kitchen duty which includes meals, Mike the bay and Roy dorms. Dismissed." He walked back towards his office for a few steps before turning back around. "Johnny…"

"Yes sir, Cap. Latrines…I got it." Johnny said turning on his heels.

Chet grinned mischievously rubbing his hands together. "Fellas, pay up. I need $1.50 from each of you for a culinary delight to be served later on this evening."

"God help us." Johnny muttered rolling his eyes as he reached for his billfold.

Additional grumblings were muttered as cash was exchanged.

"Would I lie to you guys? No, you'll see. You're gonna love this!" Chet smiled as he accepted the proffered money.

"Chet, I just got back so please don't kill me off, alright?"

"Never, Roy. You'll love it! It's very…uh…very ethnic."

"Watch it, amigo!"

The men all snickered and the small group broke up and began working on their morning chores until an hour later when their first call of the shift came in.

E!

The tones sounded and each man stopped mid-chore awaiting Sam Lanier's directives.

_Squad 51…child with difficulty breathing…..3645 Palmetto Lane..apartment C-4…..3-6-4-5 Palmetto Lane…apartment C-4…..time out 0904._

Johnny shoved the mop into the corner as he rushed out of the latrine following closely behind his partner. Johnny had become so accustomed to driving the squad during Roy's absence that he nearly collided with him as they both headed for the driver's side.

Blue eyes focused on him briefly; long enough for him to realize his error and he hurriedly jumped inside the passenger's side of the cab pulling on his helmet as Cap acknowledged the call.

"Squad 51….KMG365." Hank hung up the microphone as he tore off the slip of paper with the address scribbled on it handing it to Roy as Marco took care of opening the bay door.

Roy passed the slip over to his younger partner as he watched the bay door rise high enough for the squad to exit. Johnny flipped on the lights and siren before consulting his map and directing Roy to the correct address. Neither man spoke more than was necessary; both dreading what they would find on scene.

"Take a right at the next light, Roy."

Roy weaved around a green station wagon and hurriedly maneuvered the squad through the busy intersection. A light sheen had broken out on his face which didn't go unnoticed by Johnny.

Johnny didn't say anything but he knew that crossing a busy intersection for the first time while they were running hot would prove whether or not Roy was ready to handle his job again. He stared straight ahead smiling. _Atta boy, Roy. Welcome back, partner._

The doors of the squad flew open as soon as Roy shifted into park. They grabbed the gear they knew they'd need and rushed up the flight of stairs to the second floor of the apartment complex.

Johnny knocked hard three times and followed his actions by shouting. "Fire Department."

Roy stood behind him shifting nervously from one foot to the other head dipped trying hard not to think about his own children. When the door opened he looked up into the face of a very alarmed young mother. Her ebony eyes wild with fear as she ushered them in.

"Oh, thank the Lord you're here. Please help my son. He's having chest pain and having trouble breathing." She said as she turned to lead the men down the hallway to the first room on the left. "They're here, Dez….everything's gonna be alright now." She stood back allowing the two men to enter with their equipment while steepling her fingers beneath her chin and praying silently.

"Hey there." Johnny said kneeling down beside the bed and removing his helmet. "Not feeling so good, huh?"

The child looked frail lying in his bed clutching his chest with his eyes squinted shut; his dark skin in sharp contrast to the white sheets he'd pulled up underneath his chin. He was curled up on his side facing the paramedic. Johnny tried to help the young boy relax, roll over onto his back and release the sheets to allow the paramedic to begin his assessment.

"Ma'am, when did this start?" Roy removed his helmet and stood directly in front of the child's mother. She opened her eyes to look at him as though she hadn't heard his question. "Ma'am, we need to know if he has any medical conditions or takes any medication?"

She stuttered momentarily looking past Roy at her son whose pajama top had been removed so that Johnny could better listen to his lungs. "Uh…he, uh…..he has sickle cell."

"Disease?" Roy asked and saw her nod affirmatively. "Is this what happens when he has a crisis?"

"Uh….yea, he….he just hurts usually in his legs; he's never hurt like this in his chest before. It just started about an hour ago." She said continuing to worry.

"What's your name?" Johnny asked pulling out the oxygen mask.

"Desmond." Came the weak reply as the child opened his eyes and stared intently at the two strangers.

"Well, Desmond; my name is Johnny and me and my partner here are gonna take real good care of you, ok?"

Desmond only nodded as Johnny placed the mask snuggly on the child's face while Roy called for Rampart.

"Rampart this is squad 51…how do you read?"

"Loud and clear…51. Go ahead." Dr. Early responded.

"Rampart we have a male child age eight years old. He is complaining of severe chest pain and shortness of breath. Rampart, his mother advises that he does have sickle cell disease. Standby for vitals."

Roy passed the biophone over to Johnny to relay the information as he spoke to the child's mother again. "Uh, listen…..has he been drinking plenty of fluids recently or has he been sick, had a fever?"

"He…he hasn't been eating much for the last day or so. Really hasn't drank much either." She responded.

"Rampart, patient hasn't been eating or drinking much in the last 24 hours according to his mother." Johnny repeated hearing her response to Roy.

"Ma'am," Roy began.

"Janice, Janice Coston." She said to him.

"Mrs. Coston, it's possible that he's dehydrated and that's causing his red blood cells to create a clog in his circulatory system." He watched as she nodded her head in agreement while watching Johnny take care of her son.

"Mrs. Coston, probably the doctor at Rampart is going to want us to start an IV to get him some fluids going and give him something for the pain…but we're gonna need your permission to do that."

"Yes…yes, please just do whatever he needs….please." She begged and Roy could almost feel her pain himself. "Ok, an ambulance should be here in just a minute. Will you go direct them in here?"

She stepped quickly over to her son. "Dez…Momma's gonna go let the ambulance men in but these firemen are gonna take care of you ok? Don't be afraid, Baby." She said rubbing her fingers along his perspiring forehead.

Desmond looked up at her with tearful eyes and nodded before closing them back again.

"Atta boy, Dez." Johnny said reaching into the drug box. "Now, we're gonna fix you up real quick and make you feel better and then you and I are gonna take a ride in the back of the ambulance ok?"

Desmond opened his eyes and stared at the two men who were preparing to stick him with needles. "Uhm…no needles, please?"

"Sshhh." Roy consoled him. "We'll be really quick and it'll be over before you know it alright? I don't like needles either but this guy here…." Roy tapped his partner on the shoulder. "This guy REALLY hates needles. He doesn't cry or anything but he really cuts up and makes all these weird faces…and."

Johnny took advantage of Roy's diversion tactic. He made the stick and felt Desmond pull back briefly but he continued. He got the flash he was after on the first stick and then began to tape the tubing down.

"See, Dez….it's over." Roy said with a grin.

Desmond jerked his head to the right to look at his wrist and was surprised to see that the IV was established and taped down. A slight grin appeared on his face when he realized that the worst part was over.

"Ok, buddy…..now, I'm gonna give you a little medicine in here to make your chest feel better and then we'll get you some fluids going. No more needles though, deal?" Johnny asked.

"Deal." Desmond smiled slightly just as his mother came back into the room with the ambulance attendants following her.

"Ok, easy guys. Watch his right arm." Roy suggested as the attendants lifted the child from his bed and placed him onto the gurney. He was covered with a blanket and buckled in.

"Roy, you…uh…you want to ride in with him?" Johnny asked holding the IV bag.

"Thanks, Junior but..uh…I think I need to do this."

Johnny gave him a knowing lopsided grin. "See you at Rampart." He turned and followed the gurney out the door.

"Mrs. Coston, do you want to ride in the ambulance?" Roy asked as he cleaned up the medical debris his partner had left.

"No, I…I can follow in my car."

"Alright, we're heading to Rampart." He began.

"Can you, um, can you give me directions? We're new here and I don't…"

"Tell you what. Why don't you follow me…..no lights or sirens, ok?" Roy asked with a reassuring smile and watched as her shoulders slumped slightly; her relief evident.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Uhh.."

"DeSoto. Roy DeSoto."

"Thank you, Mr. DeSoto." She said reaching for her purse.

"You're welcome. Glad we could help." He picked up both his and Johnny's helmets and followed her out the door pulling the door closed and making sure it was locked before they left.

E!

The ambulance rumbled along the streets making its way hurriedly to Rampart. Inside, Johnny kept a close watch on his patient who was finally beginning to relax now that he had some relief from the pain.

"Feeling any better?"

The young boy stared at the paramedic with eyes that were becoming glassy. "Yea, thanks."

"No problem. That's what we're here for." Johnny gave his patient his trademark grin.

"Glad you had the medicine for me instead of that other white guy?" Desmond slurred.

"What other white guy? Roy?" Johnny asked confused.

"The one with the blue eyes….you know, the one with you." Desmond closed his eyes again as his voice trailed off.

A sick feeling crept into Johnny's gut. "Hey, buddy…..Dez…what do you have against blue eyes huh?"

Desmond peeled open his eyelids looking in Johnny's general direction. "Blue eyes hurt…..they don't like me…you got brown eyes."

Johnny gulped; he knew he was treading on thin ice but he needed to push a little harder. "Dez…..has somebody with blue eyes hurt you?"

The child was losing his ability to compose his thoughts as the analgesic began to take him under. "Don't….don't like….blue…"

Johnny grabbed on to the bench he was riding on as the ambulance made the familiar turn into Rampart Emergency. He felt the ambulance backing up to the bay doors and momentarily two orderlies opened the doors and began to unload the patient. Johnny followed the gurney inside and looked to Dixie for directions.

"Four."

"Thanks, Dix." He said following with the IV bag held high. After he entered the room and hung up the bag on the IV pole he turned to see Dr. Early entering the treatment room. "Uh…Doc can I have a word with you?"

"Johnny, I need to assess my patient first. Can't it wait?" Joe asked watching the now semi-conscious child being placed onto the exam table.

"Well, it's about him….please, Doc. It's really important." He pleaded with the gray haired physician.

"Alright…..Dixie, get me a new set of vitals. I'll be right back." He headed for the doorway with Johnny at his heels.

"Hi, handsome." Dixie crooned to her young patient. "I'm just gonna take your blood pressure and pulse ok? Not gonna hurt you."

Desmond lay quietly struggling to keep his eyes open as he closely watched the pretty nurse do her job. Momentarily, the door opened again and Dr. Morton walked in, much to Dixie's surprise.

"Well, Desmond. My name is Dr. Morton and I'm going to be taking care of you." He met Dixie's confused eyes and gave her a quick wink.

Dixie knew that meant that he would explain later.

E!

"Johnny, you did good with this one." Joe said to the young paramedic. "Mind meeting with the mother and me to discuss this? I'd like more information and she might need some reassuring herself."

"Sure thing, Doc. She should…." Johnny was interrupted by Roy and Mrs. Coston walking into the emergency room together.

"How is he?" She asked in a panic-stricken voice; dark eyes moving quickly between Johnny and Dr. Early.

"He's feeling better, Mrs. Coston. Dr. Morton is in with him now." Johnny explained ignoring Roy's confused look.

"Janice Coston, I'd like for you to meet Dr. Joe Early. He's the doctor I was talking to on the phone back at your apartment. Dr. Early, this is Janice Coston, Desmond's mother." Johnny introduced.

"Mrs. Coston, may I ask you a few questions about Desmond while Dr. Morton continues his assessment? I need some history on your son's condition." Joe asked softly.

"Yes…of course." She stated clutching her purse and adjusting the strap on her shoulder.

"Kel, borrow your office a minute?" Joe asked his colleague who was reviewing a chart at the nurse's station.

"Sure, Joe. Take your time." Dr. Brackett offered nodding briefly before returning to his chart.

"Follow me please, Mrs. Coston. Johnny?" Joe caught the eye of the dark haired paramedic.

"Yea….Roy..uh."

"I'll be in the staff lounge, Junior." He said ambling in that direction.

The trio entered room 127 with Mrs. Coston and Johnny taking the chairs across from Dr. Early who sat behind the large oak desk.

"Mrs. Coston, normally the way we operate here is that when a doctor authorizes treatment in the field, as I did with your son, then that same doctor assumes the care of that patient." He looked up so see a worried expression on her face as Johnny leaned forward with his hands on his knees eyeing the floor.

"But in this case, I have asked a colleague of mine to assume his care because of something he said on the way in here."

"I don't understand, Dr. Early. What are you saying?" She looked back and forth between the two men.

"He mentioned on the way in that he was glad I was taking care of him instead of my partner, Roy." Johnny explained. "He was mumbling by then because of the pain medication in his system but I'm pretty sure he said something about blue eyes being mean to or hurting him….I have brown eyes and Roy has blue."

"And so do I." Joe said flatly.

Mrs. Coston relaxed back into her seat. She propped her left elbow on the armrest and placed her forehead in her hand. "Gentlemen, I'm so sorry that this…."

"No, no, no. Mrs. Coston, please don't think I'm offended." Joe began as he realized their explanation to her sounded accusatory. "We all want what's best for your son and if I'm not what's best then I promise you…I'll find someone who is. But, if something has happened that might make him not trust me….or anyone else with light colored eyes….then we'd like to know it, if you don't mind…..so that we don't cause him any undue stress." Joe hoped she understood that his intentions were good.

"Let me guess; this Dr. Morton…he's a black doctor?"

"Well, yes ma'am he is." Joe agreed.

Mrs. Coston exhaled before she continued. "We just moved here a couple of months ago; after my husband died. Where we lived before, well….it was still pretty segregated you know? Now I've raised my son to know that all people are the same; no matter what they look like or talk like or what church they attend or don't attend.…" She snickered a little. "Or what color eyes they have. But his last crisis…." She hung her head shaking it from side to side. "It was real bad. I took him to the hospital there and this doctor….blue eyes…..wasn't very nice to him or me." She looked up then into the kind eyes of Joe. "Not like you've been. All of you." She said briefly placing a hand on Johnny's forearm. "Anyway, he didn't give Desmond enough medication to cut the pain; just a little Tylenol. He said he didn't want him to become a junkie." Her eyes turned cold as she stared into the space between herself and Dr. Early; her mind drifting back to that horrible day. "When I asked him for something more, in front of Desmond….he,…. well he asked me was I trying to get drugs for myself."

Johnny let out an audible exasperated sigh; leaning back in his seat and staring at the ceiling.

"Dr. Early…" She paused before continuing making sure she was looking straight into Joe's pale caring eyes. "I'd never do that to my child. I love him and when your child hurts…you hurt. But that man…calling himself a doctor….he didn't care that my baby was in pain. He made me feel so bad; like I was nothing but street trash." She hung her head again. "I'm sorry Desmond said that, Dr. Early."

"Mrs. Coston, please understand. There's no need to apologize. That doctor was out of line." He stood up then and walked around to kneel down beside her. "We treat everyone the same here. And we treat the whole person. See, if he doesn't trust me then I'm not effective. So, I find someone who is. Then perhaps, over time, we rebuild the trust that the other doctor destroyed….that is, if you choose us as Desmond's medical provider." He clarified.

She quickly wiped a tear from her face. "Dr. Early, I don't think I want to take him any place else." She tried to smile but her eyes remained filled with pain.

"Well, let's go see that young man of yours, huh? Nobody can make an eight year old feel better than his mother." Joe grinned offering Mrs. Coston his hand to assist her out of her seat.

She accepted it and stood up but hesitated. "Dr. Early….Mr. Gage….thank you both. I know this must have been really uncomfortable for you to bring up to me but I want to thank you for your openness and honesty about it."

Johnny nodded to her respectfully while Joe spoke. "Mrs. Coston, prejudice takes on a multitude of forms in our society and it's real….very real. It exists even though we don't like it or agree with it. Ignoring it won't make it go away. But, let's see if we can't convince your son that not all blue eyes are mean."

For the first time, Mrs. Coston smiled and her eyes lit up slightly as she followed Dr. Early toward treatment room four.

Johnny said good-bye and stepped into the staff lounge to join his partner.

Roy looked up from his seat at the table; his hands surrounding his now cold cup of coffee. The room was empty except for himself and Gage. "So, what was that all about?" Roy asked.

"The ugly side of humanity, Roy." Johnny said as he picked up the HT. "Squad 51 available."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Warnings for language and sexual references.

Humanity Is Vulnerable-3e

"10-4, 51."

Johnny held the door open for Roy and the two exited the staff lounge. Just as they were walking past the treatment rooms, Janice Coston emerged from treatment room four. Her pleasant smile was a welcome change from the frightened image Roy had of her opening her apartment door not long ago.

"How is he, Janice?" Roy asked remembering that she'd preferred to be addressed by her given name.

"He's feeling much better, Roy. Thank you. Thank you both." She said leaning in closer and hugging the two of them. "Dr. Morton wants to do some chest x-rays just to make sure he doesn't have a lung infection or something but he's much more comfortable now."

"Well, that's good to hear." Roy said with sincerity in his voice.

"They'll probably want to keep him a day or two though right?"

"Yes, John…that's the plan right now." She said turning towards the waiting room. "I know you fine young men are busy and I don't want to hold you up but really…" She stopped at the junction of the emergency room entrance and the hallway; eyes staring into the distance. "I…well…thank you."

"It was our pleasure, ma'am." Roy said then all three turned their faces towards the entrance as a siren caught their attention.

The Mayfair ambulance backed up to the doors as two orderlies and Nurse Carol rushed to the entrance. Johnny held out his arm in a protective move in front of Mrs. Coston and the three of them backed up against the wall. A paramedic from 99's jumped out of the back of the ambulance squeezing an ambu-bag forcing air into the lungs of an unconscious young man. The pale thin patient was obviously suffering from respiratory arrest from some ailment or injury. The three watched as he was rushed down the corridor and into treatment room three.

Mrs. Coston was visibly shaken. Johnny noticed that her eyes were wide and her fingers were trembling as they covered her slightly parted lips. "Oh my…..that….that could've been my Desmond."

"But it wasn't. He's feeling better." Johnny encouraged her knowing that the scene they'd just witnessed was distressing to someone who wasn't accustomed to seeing such images.

"Johnny's right, Janice." Roy said placing his arm around her shoulders and guiding her on towards her previous destination of the waiting area. "You called us and got him the help he needed. He's gonna be alright."

Janice looked back over her shoulder one last time before she sat down. "Thanks again."

"You're welcome." The paramedic duo said in unison; smiling at their responses.

"Bye now." Johnny said waving as they turned and walked out of the hospital.

Janice sat alone for a few minutes then looked up at the sound of an older woman sniffling as she sat down across from her. Janice tried not to stare as she watched the partially gray-haired woman dressed in a floral print skirt with a navy blue cardigan draped over her shoulders dig into her purse obviously looking for some tissue. Janice reached into her own purse and withdrew a tiny unopened packet of tissues. She stood up and closed the distance between herself and the other woman; slipping the packet of tissues into her hand.

Teary green eyes looked up at the stranger who was offering her the packet. "Th…thank you." She whispered.

"I know it's none of my business but was that your son they just brought in?"

The older woman was unable to speak and only nodded as fresh tears poured from the corners of her eyes. She opened up the packet of tissues and did her best to dry her face.

"I'm so sorry….my son.." Janice began pointing down the hallway. "He's in here too. They're real nice folks here. I'm sure they'll take good care of him." Janice wanted to comfort the woman more but she honestly didn't know what to say. The awkward silence was broken by the sound of Dixie's strong voice.

"Mrs. Coston?"

"Yes?" Janice looked up then and hurriedly moved toward the head nurse.

Dixie smiled. "Desmond is asking for you and Dr. Morton has the results of those x-rays. He'll talk with you and then we'll get Desmond settled into a room, alright?"

"Tthank you." Janice answered as the two women walked side by side down the corridor turning into treatment room four.

E!

Roy pulled out onto the highway headed back to the station. Suddenly Johnny slapped his hand down on the dash.

"Go back, Roy."

"Huh? What for?" Roy asked removing his foot from the accelerator.

"We didn't restock our supplies."

Roy cut his partner a sarcastic glare. "You're absolutely right…WE didn't…but I did. I restocked while you and Early were talking with Janice."

"Aahhh….ok." Johnny said as a big truck passed by on the right blowing his unruly hair.

"So, you want to fill me in on that little episode back there?" Roy asked still confused about why Dr. Early had broken protocol.

"Ohhh,….. yea. You wouldn't understand, Roy."

"Hey, I'm no dummy. Try me alright?" Roy prodded feeling somewhat offended.

"The kid didn't trust you." Johnny blurted out.

Roy was stunned. He quickly ran through his actions and found nothing unusual about what he'd said or done. "Well, please tell me why."

"Because you're white." Johnny said holding up his hand to quiet his partner before Roy could state the obvious. "He had a bad experience during his last crisis. Some blue-eyed arrogant asshole tried to give him Tylenol for the pain and when his mother requested something stronger he accused her of using her son's illness to get drugs for herself."

"What the hell?" Roy gritted his teeth. "Who was he?"

"Don't know. Didn't happen here but Desmond mentioned it to me in the ambulance." Johnny looked over at his seething partner. "Said he was glad I treated him instead of you because I have brown eyes and you have blue eyes and blue eyes are mean….or something to that effect."

"So that's why Morton took over care?"

"Yep…Dr. Early handled it pretty well, I think. He acknowledged that if the kid didn't trust him then he needed to back off and let someone else treat him until Dez felt more comfortable with people who have light colored eyes."

"White people….. in other words." Roy grumbled.

"Hey, it is what it is…..told you you wouldn't understand."

"Damn it, Johnny!" Roy slapped his hand on the ledge of the open window. "I may not have experienced it but that doesn't mean I don't understand it." He huffed before he continued. "I get it, I do. I don't like it. In fact, I hate it and I'm appalled that someone would do that to Dez and Janice but don't blow it off like I'm not capable of being angry about it or able to care about our patient's feelings."

Johnny held up his hands. "Sorry, man. I didn't mean it like that." He waited for Roy to settle his breathing down. "Really, I'm sorry. I know you, Roy. I know you don't agree with shit like that and I know you don't treat other people that way. It's just that….." Johnny rubbed his index finger across his upper lip looking out the window momentarily before he finished his thought. "It's just that until other people make you feel like…..I don't know..… less than human because of something that you can't control…..like your skin color or being poor or…or a dozen other things…..well, it's just hard to really feel it in here." Johnny used his balled up fist to tap his chest over his heart.

"Or eye color?" Roy said softly continuing to look straight ahead.

"Yea….…..touche." Johnny said staring out the window as Roy drove up to the station and backed the squad into the bay beside the engine.

E!

Dr. Early rushed into treatment room three on the heels of Dr. Brackett. "What've you got, Kel?"

"Full respiratory arrest on a twenty-five year old man." Kel responded flatly.

The treatment room was abuzz with activity. The patient's shirt had been removed in the field and two IV's had been established.

"I want a CBC, CMP, type and cross match and a full skull series and chest x-rays." Kel barked. "Better get a urinalysis and notify the lab that I want him screened for drugs too."

"Kel, I'm picking up bilateral rales." Dr. Early said removing his ear pieces from his ears and wrapping his stethoscope around his neck.

"Were you able to get a history on him?" Dr. Early asked the paramedic.

"Smoker ….no history of drug use or illness….according to his mother. She's…ah…she should be here by now." He said nodding towards the door.

"I'll go talk to her." Carol offered.

"Thank you, Carol." Kel gave her a quick glance.

"What was his temperature in the field?" Dr. Brackett asked without looking up from examining his patient.

"102 degrees but we had to remove the thermometer early because he quit breathing on us." The paramedic responded.

Without a second thought, Joe stepped over to the supply drawers and removed a rectal thermometer. The three men carefully rolled the patient onto his side just enough for the thermometer to be inserted but not so much as to compromise his airway.

"104.2 degrees." Joe announced as he hurriedly began cooling measures.

E!

"Mrs. Brewer?"

"Yes? I'm Mrs. Brewer." The older woman said standing up and moving toward Nurse Carol.

"Are you Gavin Brewer's mother?" The nurse confirmed and watched as the older woman nodded.

"Would you come with me please? I need to get some more information on Mr. Brewer for the doctors who are treating him." Carol placed a reassuring arm around the woman's shoulder and guided her towards a private office.

E!

"Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup?"

"Yea, Gage. You gotta problem with that?" Chet sneered.

"No….but you said it was …..ah what was the word…."

"Ethnic." Marco spoke up with an exaggerated grimace.

"Yea, yea…ethnic." Johnny repeated.

"No, I said that dinner would be ethnic." Chet corrected.

The conversation grew quiet as the men sat down to eat their lunch.

The remainder of the day was filled with a few minor runs including a trash fire near a dump site that almost got away from them. The squad was called out for a potential overdose but their response was cancelled before they arrived. When they returned to the station, the engine was gone to assist Station 36 at a traffic accident.

Roy and Johnny sat down at the table; each one with a glass of juice while they waited for their crew mates to return. Roy was about to ask John more questions about the situation with their sickle cell crisis run when there was a knock at the kitchen door.

E!

Mrs. Brewer sat in the waiting area slowly rocking back and forth staring at her hands in her lap. A pair of familiar black shoes stepped into her peripheral vision and slowly she looked up.

"Harold? You came." She said standing on shaky legs.

"I..uh…well, he is my son." The older man loosened his tie as he took a seat beside his wife; pulling her into a sideways hug. "We may not see eye to eye on some things but….." his voice began to crack…."but I do love him, Sarah."

Her shoulders began to heave with her silent sobs and he wrapped both arms around her kissing her gently on her forehead.

"Excuse me….Mr. and Mrs. Brewer?" Carol asked not recognizing the man but assuming he was her patient's father by the way he interacted with Sarah Brewer.

"Yes, I'm Harold Brewer and this is my wife Sarah."

"Yes, sir…Mrs. Brewer and I have already spoken. Dr. Brackett would like to see you now." She held out her hand in the direction of Dr. Brackett's office. When the older couple stood up she led them down the corridor and opened the office door for them.

"Dr. Brackett, these are Gavin Brewer's parents; Harold and Sarah Brewer." The two men exchanged handshakes.

"Please have a seat." He said with an open hand directed toward the two chairs in front of his desk. "Thank you, Carol."

"Dr. Brackett….what's wrong with him?"

Kel pressed his lips into a thin line on his worried face. He knew he would be asked that question and he wished he had an answer for it. "Mrs. Brewer….we believe he's suffering from a severe case of pneumonia. He spiked a high fever but we've gotten it under control somewhat and he's on some powerful IV antibiotics. I also need to warn you that he is on a ventilator."

"Ooauahh." He watched as the woman seemed to crumble into the arms of her husband with her hand covering her mouth to silence her cries.

"He's going to be moved up to the intensive care unit shortly but I wanted to give you the opportunity to visit with him for a moment first." He leaned forward on his desk to emphasize his next statement. "Mr. and Mrs. Brewer, it won't be easy to see him like this and I wanted to prepare you for it."

Harold exhaled audibly before responding. "Dr. Brackett, will he be alright?"

Dr. Brackett hesitated before he answered. He wanted to be honest with them. "We're doing everything we can for him, Mr. Brewer but the truth is…..right now, I just don't know."

"We understand." He gently ran his fingers up and down his wife's upper arm as he continued to hold her.

"If you'll follow me?" Kel said standing. He waited for the Brewers to stand and collect themselves before he stepped out from behind his desk and escorted them to see their son.

E!

"I don't believe this!" Johnny said exasperatedly.

"Well, I guess this is what Chet was referring to as 'Ethnic' food." Roy responded pulling the red and white containers out of the white paper bags now sitting on the kitchen table.

The two paramedics heard Mike backing the engine into the apparatus bay and shared devilish grins.

"Hurry, let's put it all in the oven and tell Chet we ate it already." Johnny said scrambling to pack up the containers and shove the bags inside the oven.

Roy reached inside the smaller bag and retrieved one item sticking it in his pants pocket as he and Johnny walked out nonchalantly.

"Hey, bad accident?" Johnny asked rocking back on his heels.

"Not really…just congested with rush hour traffic." Marco commented as he exited the engine ahead of the remaining crew members.

"Oh yea…." Johnny began looking over at Roy. "Guess lots of folks are headed home for a real home cooked meal."

"That's right, Junior." Roy added watching Chet closely. Just when the young linemen rounded the front of the engine he finished his statement. "Hungry, Chet?" He scoffed tossing a fortune cookie at the startled lineman.

"Wha…huh?" Chet fumbled with the item; catching it before it hit the bay floor. His face flushed crimson. "Aahhh, hell. I'm busted."

"Yep…." Johnny said with a grin.

"You are NOT going to get me to eat with chopsticks, Kelly." Marco said coldly.

"I think we should all insist that Chet teach us how to eat with them." Mike grinned.

"I don't care what we use to eat with….I'm starving." Hank led his snickering crew through the kitchen doors and stopped in his tracks. "Uh… alright!" He pounded his fist on the table. "What did you twits do with it?"

"HENRY! You didn't!" Roy said sternly glaring at the lazy dog lying on the station couch.

The entire crew broke out in uncontrolled laughter as Johnny opened the oven door and withdrew the packages of Chinese takeout.

E!

Mr. and Mrs. Brewer stepped cautiously into the treatment room. The sight of their normally healthy son lying motionless with a multitude of tubes and equipment attached to him was unnerving. Harold held on to his wife afraid she might collapse.

"We aren't sure if he can hear you but please touch him and talk to him. Let him know you're here. Believe me, it helps."

Sarah Brewer heard Dr. Brackett's words and took a tentative step towards her son. She reached out and took his pale hand in her own smaller one and began to caress it. "Gav….Gav, it's Momma. I'm here for you, son. Dad's here too. Please, son….please fight….don't leave us, ok?" Her voice broke and her husband wrapped his loving arms around her trying to soothe her. "We….we love you, Gavin." She finally whispered turning into her husband's chest.

Dr. Brackett gave Nurse Carol a knowing nod and she stepped over to the upset couple. "We need to take him upstairs now. I'll walk with you and show you where the waiting room is, alright?"

The couple nodded and then followed her out of the room. Dr. Brackett stepped back over to his patient to make sure everything was in order before he was moved to ICU. He briefly let his eyes fall onto the face of the sick young man who was now fighting for his life. _Gavin… what the hell is going on between you and your father? _The fact that Mr. Brewer had neither spoken to nor touched his son did not go unnoticed by the ever observant director of Rampart Emergency.

E!

The night was quiet and wake-up tones brought the men of Station 51 out of their deep slumber. One man woke up feeling much more energetic than the others. Hank acknowledged the wake-up call and the engine crew trudged towards the kitchen for some coffee and breakfast. Johnny made his way to the latrine to brush his teeth and take care of his full bladder with Roy behind him pulling on his suspenders.

"You in a hurry to get home, Roy?"

"Maybe."

Johnny spit out his toothpaste and rinsed his mouth out. "Got plans?" He gave his partner a knowing wink.

Roy did a double take before he answered. "What makes you say that?"

"Oh….you were talking in your sleep last night." He snickered turning around to lean against the sink crossing his arms across his chest.

"I did not." Roy cut him a smirk. "Did I?" He asked with a hint of concern.

Johnny shook his head staring at the floor; enjoying the slight blush forming on Roy's neck and face. "Yea….'fraid so. You practically raped your pillow…" He giggled. "Hell, I made sure I didn't roll over on my stomach."

"Johnny! You asshole!" Roy finally realized that Johnny was joking with him.

"Naahhh…..I saw your chest yesterday when you were changing clothes. Looked like Joanne might've gotten a little carried away, huh?"

"Maybe…might happen again too since the kids'll be in school when I get home." Roy laughed; the blush in full bloom across his Irish features.

"Damn, I thought married men weren't supposed to get any." Johnny said laughingly.

Roy started to reply but decided to let the subject drop with just a sly smile and a wiggle of his eyebrows. The details of his and Joanne's sex life were private.

"Hmmmm, talking like this is gonna make me need a cold shower." Johnny groaned.

"Or a hot date." Roy deadpanned.

"Oh…har, har." Johnny joked, slapping Roy on the arm with a hand towel before going in search of a morning cup of coffee.

E!

Not far away, Gavin Brewer's body was being transferred to the morgue at Rampart General Hospital while his grieving parents sobbed in each other's arms. An autopsy would be performed to determine his exact cause of death since the treatment he had been provided at Rampart had proven to be futile. The lab had confirmed what his mother had told the paramedics in the field; Gavin Brewer did not die from a drug overdose. But the mystery of the young man's death would haunt Kelly Brackett and many other members of the medical community in the weeks and months to come; forcing Dr. Brackett to make a gut wrenching decision that could prove just as fatal to his reputation as the illness had been for Gavin.

E!


	4. Chapter 4

Warnings: Strong language and reference to graphic sexual encounters including slash relationships although not among canon characters.

Humanity Is Vulnerable-4e

Two shifts later it was Johnny's turn to cook. He had been ribbing Chet about the whole Chinese takeout episode and he had something special in store for the crew for dinner on this particular night; especially one curly haired lineman.

"He's gonna kill you, Junior." Roy chided at his partner's adolescent behavior.

"Aww, come on, Roy. Everybody will get a kick out of it. I mean, don't you want to see him eating hamburger steak and mashed potatoes with chop sticks? It'll be pretty funny, you know." Johnny laughed to himself turning slightly in the seat of the squad to face Roy.

"Yea, well….so are the Phantom's water bombs but I never hear you laughing about 'em."

"That's not funny." Johnny's smile faded immediately and he just sat stoically staring out the windshield as the two of them continued with their assigned task of fire extinguisher inspections at apartment buildings.

Johnny was still silent when Roy pulled up to the four story older building. "So when something bad happens to someone else it's funny but when it happens to you it isn't?" He hesitated momentarily waiting for his partner's reply. When he got none he opened his door. "Come on, Johnny."

Johnny huffed shoving the passenger's side door open and pulling his clipboard off the dash. He followed his partner up the few steps and entered the building heading straight for the apartment manager's office.

Roy knocked on the door and was a bit taken aback by the person who opened it. The elderly woman with bright red hair from a bottle and heavy blue eye shadow stood in the open doorway with a long cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She never removed it while she spoke preferring to let it linger in the corner of her mouth glued to her fire engine red lipstick.

"Ah, Ma'am, I'm Roy DeSoto and this is my partner John Gage. We're here to…"

"Yea, yea, yea….you boys should know where it's at by now. This is the third damn time that little fag has had to buy paint to cover it up….'cause I sure as hell ain't buyin' none."

"Uh…well, Ma'am we're from…"

"I know who the hell you are….now just go on and do your little report and get the hell outta my building….you pigs are giving the place a bad reputation."

Johnny's puzzled look was priceless. He glanced first at Roy and opened his mouth to speak but then turned back to the apartment manager. "Ah…ma'am…" He hesitated gesturing repeatedly between himself and Roy. "See, we're not cops if that's what you think. We're.."

(slam)

"….. done talkin'." He said to the closed door that was now only a few inches away from his nose.

"Come on, Sgt. Friday….let's get this done and get out of here." Roy rolled his eyes heading for the stairs.

The two inspected the fire extinguishers at each level as they made their way up to the fourth floor. Johnny rounded the corner in a rush to finish this project and collided with a young man in the dimly lit corridor.

"Ump…whoa…sorry, man…..you a'right?" John asked juggling the clipboard in his hand while trying to reach out to the obviously distressed resident.

"My bad, dude." The young man gave John and Roy a startled look staring at their badges. "Umm, did the old lady call you?"

"Whu..no. Um, we're with the fire department." John explained.

The young man nodded then turned to walk down the hallway toward a door covered with graffiti. He quickly opened it and disappeared inside. Roy and John walked to the middle of the hallway to inspect the fire extinguisher. They passed by the door the young man had entered and both noticed the word scrawled in hot pink paint. 'COCKSUCKERS'

Johnny exhaled a low whistle as they quickly did what they needed to do; neither man commenting on the defacement of the door. Momentarily the door opened up again and the same young blonde haired man returned wearing cutoff jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt. His left bicep was adorned with a heart and beneath it was the name "Connie." He pulled out a paintbrush and a small can of brown paint that didn't quite match the original color of the door. As the paramedics walked past him on their way out, he dipped the paint brush into the small bucket and with a wide sweeping motion he began to cover the pink paint. He turned stiffly away from the duo walking past him so as not to make eye contact with them. Neither man saw the pain etched across his face and they were oblivious to the unshed tears that were threatening to spill onto his scruffy cheeks.

Johnny waited until he had made it to the second floor before he spoke. "Must be his Mom's name."

Roy stopped at the landing between the first and second floors. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I mean, you saw what was written on the door. So he's obviously…um….. I mean." Johnny stumbled over his words.

Roy began to descend the stairs again somewhat amused that he'd been able to make his partner sweat.

E!

"How's he doing, Sally?"

The pretty blond nurse frowned shaking her head as she bathed the face of her patient with a cool cloth.

"He isn't any better, Dr. Brackett. In fact, his temperature is up a little and his respirations are still shallow."

Dr. Brackett began a cursory exam of his unconscious patient. His eyebrows drew together and his lips twitched as he turned his attention to the patient's chart. The numbers just were not adding up. "I just don't understand this, Sally." He said to the young nurse. "He's been on these antibiotics for almost seventy-two hours and he seems to be getting worse instead of better."

"Dr. Brackett, the Gueterrez family has arrived." Dixie said sticking her head inside the door of the ICU room.

"Thanks, Dix. Will you find us a private location to talk please?"

"Sure, Kel." Dix let her eyes fall towards the floor before she took a step back. She was passionate about nursing and she hated feeling defeated when illness or injury robbed a family of their loved one. She could see in Kel's eyes that he felt certain the Gueterrez family would soon experience just such a loss.

E!

Richard washed out the paint brush in his bathroom sink; running clean water over the bristles and watching as the resulting runoff grew lighter and lighter. When the water finally ran clean he shook out the brush and then soaped up his hands to rid them of the paint and subsequent odor. He didn't want to be asked what he'd been painting.

He changed his clothing quickly pulling on a faded pair of jeans, flip flops and a burgundy t-shirt. He placed the silver band on his ring finger; a leather watch completed his ensemble. He pushed his wallet down into his right rear pocket then picked up the mustard colored envelope he'd left lying on his counter before he began the touch up paint job on his door. He eased over to his front door and opened it slightly, peering down the hallway in both directions before he stepped out into the empty dingy corridor and made his way towards the stairs.

E!

"I don't get it, Roy." Johnny said looking straight ahead in the squad; his mussed up hair blowing in the wind and his elbow resting on the open window ledge.

"Don't get what?"

"What makes them different from us?" He squinted, eyeing his partner quickly then cutting his eyes back facing forward again.

"THEM different from US?" Roy questioned. He thought he knew what his partner meant but he didn't want to step into that conversation unless he was certain.

"You know….gays."

"Johnny…do I really need to explain that to you?" Roy looked quickly to his right and then back on the road.

"Damn, Roy." Johnny began using his most exasperated voice. "I know what makes them different from us but…..I mean…what's the difference?"

"Your ability to clearly communicate astounds me, Junior." Roy chuckled. "Just spit it out, will ya?"

"Why do they like men and we like women?" Johnny threw his hands up quickly then propped his elbow on the window resting his chin in the palm of his hand.

"Well, I don't know exactly….they just do." Roy waited for his partner to continue. He knew that Johnny usually took his time about getting to the heart of the matter on his mind. "Is it the graffiti on that guy's door?"

Johnny didn't answer but continued to stare into the distance. Roy didn't want to continue the conversation at the station so he pulled into a parking lot in a shady spot and parked the squad.

"What are you doin', Roy?"

"Johnny, this is really buggin' you, isn't it?" Roy watched his partner nod but he refused to look Roy in the eye.

Johnny took a deep breath and exhaled as he tried to build up the courage to ask Roy what was really on his mind. "We've been partners a long time, right Roy?"

"Yea."

"You know me better than most anybody."

"Johnny, what's goin' on?" Roy had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach; afraid John was about to reveal something very personal that Roy may not want to know about his best friend.

"Can I ask you a question?" Johnny felt his respirations and his pulse quicken and scrubbed his face with his open palm.

"Of course you can."

"And, you won't….say anything to anyone?" Johnny asked worriedly.

"No, John. Look, you've been there for me through a lot of years and, I think I've been there for you too. If something's wrong or something's bothering you then let's talk about it." Roy had no idea where the conversation was headed but John Gage was his best friend and he had to help him if he could.

E!

"Mr. and Mrs. Gueterrez, I'm Dr. Kelly Brackett. I'm your son's attending physician." Kel took a seat in front of the older couple inside the small corner office.

"Dr. Brackett….what happened to him?"

"Well, honestly I was hoping you could help answer that question." Kel looked back and forth between the two frightened faces. "Has he ever been sick like this before?"

"He's a healthy normal young man, Dr. Brackett. I spoke to him less than a month ago and he just had a slight cold; he never even missed a day of work from it." Mrs. Gueterrez wiped her eyes with her fingertips.

"Dr. Brackett, we haven't been close with our son for about two years now. He's made some decisions that…well, that his mother and I don't agree with. Is this something he might have gotten from someone else?"

"Mr. Gueterrez, right now it's hard to say because we don't actually know what it is he has." Kel answered as honestly as he could.

"It's….it's God's punishment isn't it?"

"Maria, please!" Mr. Gueterrez admonished his wife.

"I'm sorry…uh…punishment for what?" Dr. Brackett asked staring intently as Mr. and Mrs. Gueterrez shared grimaces.

"Please, if you know something that might help us figure this out then please share it with us." Kelly Brackett wanted to shake his fist at the silent couple.

"Dr. Brackett…it's a very private matter; nothing related to his health."

"Maybe so and maybe not."

"Not…..definitely not." Mr. Gueterrez spoke up quickly.

"I see." Kel felt his lips purse into a thin line of frustration.

"Please, Dr. Brackett. Please do what you can for our Constantine."

"I certainly will, Mrs. Gueterrez." He said standing when the couple in front of him stood. "But again…if you can think of anything that might help us…"

"We'll let you know." Mr. Gueterrez said abruptly ending Kel's sentence.

Dr. Brackett swallowed hard to keep from responding to them in a less than professional manner.

He opened the door for the Gueterrez couple when suddenly Mr. Gueterrez spoke what almost sounded like an afterthought.

"Uh…Dr. Brackett…since he's single….we are still considered his next of kin, right?"

"Yes, sir….you are."

Mr. Gueterrez straightened his back standing a little taller. "Very well then…..we don't want him to have any visitors except immediate family."

"Alright." Kel acknowledged. "He's in ICU so that will be easily enforced. We limit visitors to only two at a time for only a few minutes anyway."

"Whether he's in ICU or not…as long as we are making the decisions…we say no visitors…..except immediate family."

"Then I'll ask one final time…..is there anything I need to know that you aren't telling me?"

This time it was Mrs. Gueterrez who spoke up. "He's had some friends who were….well, they've had a negative influence on him. We want to help him break away from them."

"Well, I'll see that your wishes are honored as long as he is unable to make the decisions for himself." Dr. Brackett opened the door a little wider and the older couple walked away headed back to the ICU waiting area; patiently waiting for their next scheduled visit with their son.

E!

Richard Owens walked up to the entrance of Rampart Hospital. This was the third day he'd been to see Constantine Gueterrez and he hoped that today was the day Connie would wake up. He clutched the Get Well card in his hand tightly as he pushed the button inside the elevator car that would take him to ICU. He glanced at his watch and realized he still had about fifteen more minutes before the next round of visitations. He stepped off the elevator and walked immediately up to the nurse's station.

"Hello….Richard Owens….I'm here to see Constantine Gueterrez, please." He said.

"Uh….Mr. Owens…I'm afraid that you won't be able to see him." The pretty brunette behind the counter announced casting a sideways glance at the older couple reading magazines behind him in the waiting room.  
"What do you mean? What's happened?" Richard's heart began to beat wildly inside his chest and panic spread throughout his body making his limbs feel heavy.

"I'm sorry but his parents have said that he can have no visitors besides immediate family."

Richard used his thumb to slide the ring around on his finger. "I am immediate family." He voiced through gritted teeth.

"Like hell!"

"Carlos, please. Not now." Maria Gueterrez pulled on her husband's arm urging him to return to his seat.

"You have no right to be here and you damn sure have no right to refer to yourself as immediate family." Carlos growled.

Richard swallowed back the bile he was tasting in the back of his throat. "Yea? Where were you when he lost his job because his boss was afraid he'd lose a few customers if they found out? Where were you when he had to sell off what few possessions he owned just to put some food in his mouth while he was looking for work? And where the fuck were you the night he was attacked and beaten within an inch of his life, huh?"

"Don't you dare speak to me like that you queer little bastard." Carlos seethed.

"You're ashamed of him, aren't you? Don't want your drinking buddies to find out you have gay son, right?" Richard had known this day would come; the day he'd finally confront the man who'd made Connie's life a living nightmare.

"You go straight to hell, Richie Owens!" Carlos' felt his face turn red instantly and his temples began to throb. His blood pressure was rising and he knew he needed to calm down.

"Sit down, Carlos. Leave him alone." Maria begged.

Richie looked straight into the eyes of the man who hated him more than he ever knew one human could hate another. "Too late for that, Pops…I'm already there." With that final statement, he slammed the card down on the nurse's station. "Please see that he gets this, will you?" He said never taking his hazel eyes off the deep mahogany eyes of his nemesis.

"Yes, Mr. Owens." The brunette nurse said staring back and forth between the two men. She held her hand on the handset of the desk phone prepared to call security if the situation escalated any further.

Richard felt his nostrils flare as he turned away trying desperately to calm his emotions. He walked past the elevators choosing instead to take the stairs down to the ground floor. Once inside the stairwell, he lost his battle with the pain; clutching his ribs and dropping down to a sitting position on the top step. His shoulders hunched over as hot tears stung his face racing towards his chin. He wanted so badly to hold Connie in his arms; to soothe away his pain and run his fingers along his fevered brow. He had promised Connie that he'd never leave him no matter what obstacle stood in their way. They'd vowed to each other their undying love and promised themselves to each other until death. Now, only a year later, the love of his life lay motionless in an ICU bed…..and Richie couldn't be there with him. If he recovered from his illness, at least he'd have the cards to let him know that Richie had been there. Richie had brought one by each day since Connie was hospitalized three days ago. It was the only consolation Richie had now; Connie would know that it was his own parents who'd kept Richie away and not the fact that Richie had deserted him in his time of need.

Back in Constantine's ICU room, his parents stood a silent vigil praying for their son's recovery. While Maria held his hand and stroked his brow speaking to him in a soft whisper, Carlos pulled the mustard colored envelope from the pocket of his suit and quickly ripped in in half; dropping the pieces into the small waste basket near Connie's bed…..where it fell in a heap with the scraps of the other unread cards Richie had left over the previous days.

E!

"Roy, uh….do you and Joanne ever…..well, I mean…..does she like …" Johnny was stuttering more than Roy had ever known him to stumble over his words except for the time he clammed up when they were doing a television interview.

"Johnny, damn ….will you just say it!" Roy said rather forcefully.

"Do you and Jo ever…..you know…..do things other than just have plain sex?"

"Huh? What'd'ya mean by plain sex, Johnny?"

"You know….missionary position…..shit, just forget It….sorry I asked." Johnny's embarrassment was obvious.

"No, no….I'm not opposed to answering your question, I just don't exactly know what your question is. Do we play around with positions? Yea, sure."

Johnny felt a sense of relief. Roy had allowed the door to be opened and he'd encouraged the dialogue between them so Johnny continued.

"Yea…but not just that….I mean." Johnny huffed running his fingers through his hair. "Ok….what about oral?"

Roy gulped and felt the heat rise up his neck. "Um, yea…we like it…..both of us. Do you?"

Johnny wasn't expecting to be asked his own question but he answered it anyway. His crimson stained cheeks accented his lopsided grin. "Hell, yea!"

Roy snickered at his partner's enthusiastic response.

"Ok, then Roy. Lemme ask you this. If you had your eyes closed and you didn't know it was Joanne, how would you know if it was a man or a woman?"

"Junior, the anatomy is a hell of a lot different so I think I'd be able to figure it out fairly quickly." Roy said sarcastically.

"No, no, no….I mean if you were…..ok, if you were the one receiving it and you had your eyes closed then how would you know if the person giving it to you was a man or a woman?"

Roy shifted in his seat as a sense of discomfort began to develop within him. "I'm….not…sure, John. I mean, the sensation would be the same wouldn't it?"

"Exactly my point, Pally. Kinda scary isn't it?"

Roy shrugged his shoulders.

"One more question, ok?" Johnny asked encouraged by their frank discussion, thus far.

"Ok, go ahead…..but this conversation better not EVER and I mean EVER leave this truck, Junior. I'll end up divorced." He mumbled as much to himself as to his partner.

"Never, Roy….I swear. What about um, anal?"

"What?"

"Some couples really like anal sex." Johnny said staring back out the windshield and hoping he hadn't pushed his partner too far.

"Never thought about it, Johnny. I mean, why would we? We're real satisfied using our anatomy the way it was designed. Know what I mean?"

"Yea, I know what you mean." Johnny jumped catching what he'd said immediately. "I..I…I mean I don't KNOW what YOU mean….with Joanne of course, but I know what you mean."

Roy could only laugh at his partner's attempt at serious communication again. "Well, let me ask you the same question."

"What, have I ever…." Johnny asked with his open hand splayed across his chest.

"Yea….you?" Roy responded.

Johnny sat silently for a moment. "Once…..this one chick I was dating for a while asked me if I wanted to do that. She said she liked it and…..well,…we both really enjoyed it, Roy." Johnny could feel the pressure building and shifted in his seat.

"So,…..she..uh…..she could…." Now it was Roy's turn to stammer.

"Yep, very intense one too, Pally." Johnny grinned knowing exactly what his partner was trying to ask.

"And, you did too?" Roy blushed at his question.

"Oh…yea…of course. It was kind of like doggie style but not exactly. But, it just got me thinking…"

"That if you had your eyes closed you might not know if your partner in the act was a man or a woman?" Roy finished Johnny's statement for him.

"Well, I didn't think about it then but …..now…today….yea. So back to my original question, Roy….what makes them different from us?"

"Johnny, you may not be as shallow as everyone thinks you are." Roy said cranking up the squad and backing out of the parking lot to return to the station.

E!

Kelly Brackett walked quickly to his office. Dixie had called to tell him that the autopsy report had come in on Gavin Brewer. He'd already recognized similarities between Gavin's symptoms and the symptoms of Constantine Gueterrez. He hadn't told the Gueterrez family that their son had pneumonia because even though he was convinced that was what the young man was suffering from he simply had no idea why the treatments weren't working.

Dixie walked in with a cup of coffee for him. "You look tired, Kel." She said handing him the steaming cup.

"I am tired, Dix. I'm tired of treating routine pneumonia cases that aren't responding the way they should when we're doing everything right."

"So you think the Gueterrez case is somehow connected to the Brewer case?" She asked sincerely.

"Connected? I don't know. Is it a new strain of bacterial or viral pneumonia that is somehow resistant to our treatments? That's my biggest fear, Dix. I'm afraid we're dealing with something new."

Kel took a quick sip of coffee and felt the burn of the hot liquid as it made its way down his throat. "Have a seat, Dix. Let's see if we can get any answers from this report."

He opened up the envelope and began to scan the documents contained therein. Dixie watched with bated breath as his blue eyes darted back and forth and his lips moved as he read the report. After several minutes she saw tiny sweat beads began to pop out on his forehead and upper lip.

"Ohmygod!" He said slapping the papers down on his desk. "Dixie, ask Joe to come here quick, please." He ordered reaching for his phone. "While I call ICU and change the medication on Mr. Gueterrez…that is if it's not too late to save him."


	5. Chapter 5

Humanity Is Vulnerable-5e

"Joe's with a patient but he knows you want to see him."

Dr. Brackett looked up and nodded to acknowledge to Dixie that he'd heard her but he continued his conversation on his phone. He tapped the end of his pen against the desk as he listened to what his colleague at Harbor General was telling him.

"Well, what about Saint Francis?" Kel asked dropping his pen down and rubbing his fingers across the worry lines in his forehead.

"I see. Yea, I know. We'll keep in touch, Charles."

E!

The mood around the station was not as light as Johnny had imagined it would be so he decided to forgo the whole chopstick idea. The engine crew had been called out earlier for a dumpster fire and Hank had gotten into a shouting match with the manager of the nearby restaurant about code violations. Johnny placed the chopsticks in his locker as Marco was brushing his teeth getting ready for bed.

"What you got there, Gage?"

"Oh," Johnny grinned. "A prank for Chet that I think I'll hold onto for another day."

"You two just don't know when to quit do you?" Marco smiled drying his face.

Johnny opened his mouth to reply when the tones sounded jerking both men from their frivolous conversation and into full attention.

"_Station 51…unknown type rescue…..meet a law enforcement officer at 998 East Renton St….9-9-8 East Renton Street…..cross street…Bonita. Time out 2045."_

"Station 51 KMG-365." Hank acknowledged as the rest of the station pulled on helmets and turnouts headed towards their respective vehicles. He handed the slip of paper to Roy who passed it on to Johnny as the bay door rose. Roy pulled out of the station code R with Mike following in the engine immediately behind him.

Johnny consulted his map quickly and then directed Roy toward the location which fortunately was not far from the station. Roy saw the police car drive up to the scene just ahead of them and pulled in behind it. They arrived at a neat little bungalow with only a couple of lights on inside but the sound of a very persistent tiny bark was easily heard.

"What've we got, Vince?"

"Not sure, Hank. Dispatch said they got a call from this location with the sound of a weak voice whispering for help." The two men looked at the peaceful setting and then back at each other. "Kinda thought I'd drive up to a fight or something…..not this."

"Yea," Hank muttered as his crew retrieved the needed supplies. "Well, at least you're here if we need to break our way in."

Vince and Hank jogged toward the front door with the rest of the crew following closely on their heels. Vince arrived first and pounded on the front door with his fist. "Police and Fire Departments."

The barking sound rose a couple of octaves and morphed into a hideous howl. When no other sounds came from inside the home the men decided to breach the locking mechanism on the front door and force their way inside.

Marco and Chet quickly popped open the door and the tiny canine fluff ball ran to the back of the house.

"Hello?" Roy called out.

"Fire Department." Hank echoed.

Johnny and Mike made their way to the back following the ticking sound of the dog's toenails on the tile floor while the others also searched various rooms.

"In here!" Mike called out as Johnny rushed to the bedside.

"Ma'am, can you hear me?" He said gently shaking the older woman who lay there clutching her chest with her eyes screwed shut.

She opened her eyes slightly as she nodded.

"What's your name?" He asked as the others in the crew joined him and he and Roy began to assess their patient.

"Sa..Sarah Brewer." She explained as Roy placed the oxygen cannula under her nose.

"Here you go. This will help you feel better. My partner's gonna get on the phone with the hospital while I take your vitals ok?"

Chet handed Johnny the orange box containing the biophone. Johnny kneeled down on the floor beside the bed opening it up and screwing in the antenna. "Rampart this is Squad 51, how do you read?"

E!

"I'll get Mike on this one, Joe. Kel's waiting on you." Dixie said when she saw the gray haired physician turn around at the sound of the unit calling in.

Joe nodded and walked on over to office number 127 knocking before he entered.

"Come in." Kel called from behind his desk.

"You wanted to see me, Kel?"

"Yea, please have a seat, Joe." Kel motioned to the chairs in front of his desk. "I've..ah…well, I've got something I need to run by you."

"You sound worried."

"I am." Kel picked up the autopsy report from Gavin Brewer and removed the first page with his identifying information on it. "Joe, would you read this report and tell me who you'd expect the patient to be?"

Joe took the proffered paper work and began scanning the pages. Kel stood up placing the manila envelope on his desk and stepped over to the window staring out at the hospital campus.

Joe flipped the pages until he reached the end. He removed his reading glasses placing them back into his pocket and returned the papers to Kel's desk. "Well, I'd say this was an elderly patient most likely."

"Guess again, Joe."

"Ok, then a younger patient with an advanced stage of cancer." Joe acknowledged confidently.

"Wrong again." Kel said over his shoulder still looking out the window.

"Alright….then suppose you tell me, Kel. I've never heard of Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia occurring in anyone else. It's pretty rare, you know." Joe stood up from his seat.

Kel turned around to face his most trusted colleague. "Try a twenty-five year old man with no significant medical history and who's only vice seemed to be cigarettes."

Joe's face grew ashen and his normally sparkling blue eyes grew dull. "Are you saying this is the autopsy report from Gavin Brewer?"

"Exactly." Kel turned back around staring out the window.

"How is that possible? PCP only kills people whose immune systems are shot. With his age and his health factored in he should have beaten this thing with no problem." Joe stated emphatically.

"I know…..and he isn't the only one either, Joe. I believe that Constantine Gueterrez is suffering from this same illness. He's got the same symptoms and he isn't responding to standard treatments." Dr. Brackett turned around coming face to face with Dr. Early.

Joe could see the frustration on his face along with something else Kelly Brackett never exhibited…..fear. "Kel, how do you explain it?"

"I can't, Joe. And that scares the hell outta me." He once again ran his fingers over his brow then pocketed both hands in his lab coat. "I've called my colleagues at Harbor General and they've had two cases exactly like ours. And Saint Francis has had one."

"Well, has PCP somehow mutated or is the protozoan responsible for it resistant to our treatments?" Joe knew he was grasping at straws.

"No."

"Kel, then what's the connection? How are the cases similar?"

Dr. Brackett turned around quickly. "That's what scares me the most, Joe. All five cases are in young men in their twenties and thirties who were healthy until this illness hit them….and four of the five are confirmed to be gay. The only one not confirmed at this point is the decedent….and based on the interaction I saw between Gavin and his father, well…..I believe he was too."

Joe exhaled looking at his hands and waited a minute before he continued. "Do you realize the implications of what you're suggesting?"

"That there's something out there that's attacking gay men? Oh yea, I've been stewing over that political hot potato since I realized it half an hour ago."

"Are you gonna call the boys down in Atlanta?" Joe asked.

Now it was Kel's turn to exhale and hesitate before he answered. "Do I have a choice, Joe?"

Dr. Early crossed his arms. One of his greatest strengths was helping others figure out what they already knew deep in their heart. "You always have a choice. If you're wrong and you go public claiming that there's some new disease out there that could kill young gay men then are you prepared for the hell you'll face?"

Kel looked away one more time. "And if I'm right and I don't contact the Centers for Disease Control then hundreds perhaps thousands of lives could be lost needlessly. Now that's a hell I can't face."

Joe waited a beat before he continued. "You know, a lot of folks out there would just say 'good riddance' to the homosexual population. This will not make you a popular doctor in some circles."

Kel spun around with anger flashing on his face. "I'm a doctor for everyone; regardless of their personal circumstances. I'm not their judge and if there are people out there who want to persecute me for taking care of people…ALL people…..well…. then those are circles of people I sure as hell don't want to be popular in anyway. No one should have to die the way that young man did." He said animatedly pointing at the paperwork on his desk. "And no one deserves to suffer the way Mr. Gueterrez is currently suffering up in our ICU. If I can somehow alleviate that…..then I don't care what THOSE people think." He suddenly realized his chest was heaving.

Joe gave a brief smile. He'd successfully done it again. "Sounds like you already know what you need to do then, Kel. And you know I'll support you all the way." Joe walked over to his friend and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Kel gave him a brief smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Thanks, Joe. I needed to hear myself say it, I guess."

"You're welcome. Now…you've got a phone call to make." He said heading for the door.

E!

"You need me, Mike?" Joe asked sticking his head in the door of treatment room four.

"Not right now, Joe." Mike said continuing to work. "Carol, let's get routine labs and check her cardiac enzymes. Then I want to get some chest x-rays."

Carol Williams nodded her head. "Gonna be a stick, Mrs. Brewer." She said to the woman she remembered from when her son was hospitalized. She filled the tubes, labeled them and then placed them in her pocket. "I'll get these to the lab now." She said walking out the door.

"Oh, Carol?"

"Yes, Mrs. McCall?"

"Is that the mother of Gavin Brewer; the young man who died from pneumonia a couple of weeks ago?" Dixie asked with Joe standing by her side.

"Yes, it is. I just drew her blood and I'm headed to the lab now." She replied.

"Ms. Williams, may I have a word with you as soon as you can? It's about the Brewer case."

"Of course, Dr. Early." She said turning on her heels and heading quickly to the lab.

E!

Once Roy was dismissed he headed out of the treatment room. Finding his partner at the nurse's station restocking their supplies, he turned and walked towards him.

"How's she doin'?" Johnny asked.

"The nitroglycerin is working so she's feeling better. Dr. Morton won't know for sure until the labs get back but he thinks it might not be her heart; well, her physical heart anyway."

"Huh?" Johnny asked not following.

"Johnny, her son was brought in here a couple of weeks ago in respiratory arrest. We couldn't save him. He died from pneumonia." Dixie said dejectedly.

Johnny hung his head. "Man, that's gotta be tough."

"Yea…yea, that's what I was thinking when she told me that on the way in." Roy's face displayed his emotions.

"Well, I've got us restocked so if you're ready…" Johnny began.

"Yea….let's head back to the barn…see ya, Dix." Roy said waving as he turned to leave.

"Catch ya later, Dix." Johnny said grabbing the box of supplies under his arm and following his partner out the door.

E!

"Dr. Early…you wanted to see me?" Carol Williams asked.

"Yes, would you come with me please?" He said holding his arm out toward Dr. Brackett's office. "Dr. Brackett is interested in what you might be able to tell us too."

He knocked on the door and opened it upon Kel's command.

He ushered Ms. Williams in and closed the door behind them. "Kel, Carol Williams was the nurse who interviewed Mrs. Brewer when Gavin was first brought in. Mrs. Brewer is in here now complaining of chest pains but Mike's handling her case. I thought perhaps she'd be able to answer your question about Gavin or at least be able to ask Mrs. Brewer the question when she's feeling better."

"Um, what question?" Carol asked looking back and forth between the two men.

"Ms. Williams, please keep what we discuss in here completely confidential; even from other hospital staff until we know more about what we're dealing with ok?"

"Certainly, Dr. Brackett."

"There are a few cases of Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia in this city right now and Gavin Brewer was one of them. In fact, it's what caused his death. All the other cases so far have occurred in gay men. What we're trying to determine is if.."

"Yes, sir. Yes he was."

Kel and Joe exchanged glances.

"You're sure, Ms. Williams?"

"Yes, Dr. Brackett. I feel terrible. I didn't think it was relevant so I didn't record it in his chart. I…I had no idea that it mattered." She said hanging her head and looking at her hands in her lap.

"It doesn't matter, Carol. You've done nothing wrong here. I suspected it by the way his father interacted with him but I didn't think it was important either or else I would've asked his parents." Kel said hoping to comfort her.

"Mrs. Brewer mentioned it when I interviewed her. She made a comment about not knowing if Mr. Brewer would even come to the hospital because he was ashamed of his son. When I told her I was sorry she was having to deal with this alone she said that she'd been dealing with Gavin alone since he was sixteen when he first told them he didn't like girls." Ms. Williams looked up into the faces of two of the doctors she admired most in the entire hospital. "How can a parent turn his back on his own child?"

"I don't know, Carol. But it happens. Now he's got to live the rest of his life knowing he wasn't there when his son needed him. And that's going to be a tough pill to swallow." Kel said.

"Thank you, Ms. Williams, for the information. We appreciate it." Joe offered.

Carol smiled and then retreated from the office.

"Well, made that call to CDC yet?" Joe asked.

"As a matter of fact, I did. And it's worse than I thought, Joe."

E!

Roy backed the squad into the bay beside the engine and both paramedics exited headed toward the latrine.

"Didn't realize it was 'lights out' already." Roy managed to say pulling his toiletry bag from his locker preparing to brush his teeth.

"Yea, me either." Johnny said undressing and preparing for bed himself.

The two took care of their personal needs and made their way to their bunks. Both hoped for a quiet night. Johnny lay down on his back with his arm draped over his face. Within a couple of minutes he was out.

Roy tossed and turned for several minutes unable to find a comfortable position to allow sleep to overtake him. Several times in the last few hours his mind had taken him to his bedroom with Joanne. The conversation he'd shared with Johnny earlier had gotten him thinking; thinking that perhaps he could spice up an already great sex life. Now, all he had to do was figure out how to broach the subject with Joanne. Finally, he was lulled to sleep by the gentle snores of his crewmates.

E!

"Worse how, Kel?" Joe asked worriedly; exhaustion from his shift evident on his features.

Kel yawned and rubbed his red rimmed eyes. "Joe, Los Angeles isn't the only city reporting this unusual pattern. It's happening in New York and Miami, as well. And it's not just PCP either…..Kaposi's Sarcoma is also showing up…all in otherwise healthy gay men."

"So, somehow the immune systems of gay men are being compromised so that these other two diseases can step in and kill them?"

"That's it in a nut shell, Joe." Kel said scrubbing his weary face with his open hand. "One doctor in New York has gone so far as to say that gay men should stop having sex."

"What kind of response did he get from the gay community?" Joe questioned.

"Exactly what you'd think. He was seen as trying to interfere with their lifestyle; seen as the enemy instead of someone trying to save their lives." He spoke with a hint of sarcasm.

"And it's only showing up in gay men? No one else?" Dr. Early asked confused.

"Yea….I know what you're thinking, Joe." Kel said without looking up. "The human body doesn't know the difference…..and neither do diseases. So it's somehow being transmitted by the gay lifestyle."

"And if….it suddenly leaps from the gay community to the general population?" Joe asked.

"Then all humanity is vulnerable."

The room was quiet for several minutes as the two doctors tried to think through the new mystery.

"So, no women and no heterosexual men have contracted this yet?" Joe asked again.

"None have been reported." Kel answered.

"So then it isn't airborne." Joe deduced.

"It's got to somehow be related to semen but there again, why isn't it showing up in the female population? I mean, some men are bisexual and if they are passing it to each other in the same way that venereal diseases are transmitted then why isn't it showing up in the female partners of bisexual men, Joe?"

"Well, it's baffling, Kel…I'll admit that….let's just give the CDC time to figure it out." Joe suggested to his friend.

"And what the hell do we do in the meantime, Joe?" Kel stood up pointing towards the door of his office toward the treatment rooms." Stand by and watch other mothers grieve for their sons who've suddenly died from a simple case of pneumonia?"

E!


	6. Chapter 6

Warnings: graphic sexual encounter and strong language.

Humanity Is Vulnerable-6e

Roy tried to open the front door by turning the knob but it was locked. He looked to his left once again to verify that the family sedan was still parked in the garage. Seeing it brought a smile to his face and a warm feeling began deep in his belly and made its way up his body finally resting on his pink tinted cheeks. The locked door was the signal he and Joanne had used ever since the kids had started school. He knew that it meant that she was in the mood for romance as long as his shift hadn't been exceptionally dreadful. Of course, like most men his age, it didn't matter how badly the shift had gone; as long as he still had a pulse he was ready for romance too.

He fished his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door. He pushed it closed behind him and locked it back then made his way slowly upstairs with his duffle bag in his hands. He creaked open the door to the bedroom he shared with Joanne and there she was; sprawled out seductively across their bed wearing a red lace corset with matching tiny red panties.

"Morning, Baby." She said in an exaggerated whisper batting her long eye lashes at him.

Roy stood mesmerized by the beauty before him. He dropped his duffle bag closing the door to their bedroom behind him. "Damnation, Jo. You look incredible." He began untucking his shirt and toeing off his shoes.

"You like?"

Roy finished removing his clothes without ever taking his eyes off of her. When he finally stood before her completely naked he spoke. "No, I love!" He held up one hand momentarily. "Hold that thought, Sweetheart while I get a quick shower."

"Don't let the water get cold." She grinned looking down his lean body and smiling at the erection she knew she'd produced.

"Nu-uh….no way….quick and hot." He said grabbing a towel as he headed for the bathroom. This shower would be faster than any firehouse shower he'd ever taken.

He returned in less than four minutes to find his gorgeous wife waiting on him. He quickly brushed his teeth and then joined her on the bed. "God, Jo…..where'd you get this outfit?"

"I did a little shopping yesterday." She flashed him a grin revealing her pearly white teeth peeking out from behind her bright red lipstick.

Roy's groin began to ache as the pressure was building. He wanted her so badly and the sight of her dressed like this made him want to take her fast and hard. He inhaled deeply to calm himself down as he stroked her perfect complexion from her temple down to her chin. He took her chin in the crook of his fingers lifting it up to meet his own as she lay back down beneath him. She cast him one last look through deeply hooded eyes before closing them as their foreheads touched. She met his open mouth with her own moaning slightly at the taste and feel of his lips on hers. Their tongues teased each other as their hands roamed the familiar body of the other.

Roy trailed hot kisses down her neck and across her collar bone; sucking just a little bit harder there as a reminder of what she'd done to him on his first day back on shift. She smiled then arched her back hissing as he made his way lower down her body removing the tight fitting corset as he worked his way down.

Joanne ran her hands down his hairy chest and across his naked hips; feeling him quiver as goose bumps covered his body beneath her sensuous feather-light touches. She let her fingers move slowly across his lower belly until she felt what she was after. Roy shuddered and groaned beneath the strokes of her dainty fingers.

Roy's fingers also explored and he quickly felt her shiver as he made his way lower down her body. He opened his eyes, desire burning like coals in them, and stared into the eyes of the only woman he'd ever made love to; and the only one he ever wanted to make love to. "Jo….god I love you so much, sweetheart."

She smiled at him again through eyes nearly completely closed as her own desires grew.

"Jo…..I want to try something …new….please?" He whispered breathily into her ear as his hands continued to make her squirm beneath him.

"Whatever you want, Baby." She said wrapping her arms around him as her breath grew more ragged; shifting her head from side to side as his ministrations continued.

"On your belly then…please?" He said gently turning her over and removing the garment that lay between him and what he so desperately wanted.

She complied and continued to feel her desire growing as he placed gentle kisses down the back of her neck and across her back. His ministrations continued lower, into territory uncharted in their lovemaking but she didn't stop him as the sensations were bringing her closer to her climax. Then the pressure became more intense and the pleasurable feeling was replaced by something quite painful.

"Uuhh." She moaned nearing a panic as the pressure and subsequent pain intensified.

"Whu..? Ohmygod, Jo. Are you alright?" He asked as he rolled onto his side.

Her whimpers broke his heart as she curled up away from him momentarily. He reached out to touch her but she didn't notice as she got up and rushed into the bathroom. Roy thought she was moving away from his touch; rejecting him for what he'd done to her. He had no idea that she hadn't known he was reaching for her.

She sat gingerly on the toilet holding her breath. She blotted her bottom with some tissue and was alarmed when she saw bright red blood on it. Unbidden tears welled up in her eyes; the morning hadn't turned out at all the way she had envisioned it. A soft knock at the bathroom door brought her hands to her face trying in vain to dry her eyes.

"Jo….god Jo…I'm so sorry. Please, let me in. I..I want to make sure you're ok….please, Baby?"

Jo tried to answer her distraught husband but her efforts failed. She sniffed then blew her nose without being able to answer him.

Outside the bathroom door, Roy heard the movements on the other side and knew he'd made a horrible mistake. Never in all their years together had she ever refused to speak to him; never. He hung his head in despair; all romantic thoughts completely gone. He felt the burning in the back of his eyes and throat as he tried one last time to get her to talk to him.

"Please, Baby? Please…..don't…don't shut me out. I'm sor.." His voice broke on the last word as he nearly lost his ability to control his emotions. When she didn't respond, he meandered over to the place he'd left his clothes on the floor. He dressed hurriedly then headed downstairs to leave her alone.

Roy didn't know that behind the bathroom door sitting on the toilet was Joanne with her arms wrapped around herself in a hugging position; hot tears burning the sides of her face. She managed to finally draw in a breath and clear her throat to answer his pleas.

"It's….uh….I'm ok, Roy….I'm sorry I…uh…..I couldn't do….what you wanted…." She sniffed again and hesitated expecting to hear his consoling voice from the other side of the door. Instead, the only thing she heard was her own heavy breathing. "Roy?" She called out; her voice raspy. She gulped then stood flushing the toilet and opened up the door. He was gone, his clothing no longer piled on the floor near the doorway. He'd walked out leaving her there alone. She closed the door back shut and locked it, leaning against it with her back and sliding down to the floor hugging her knees and sobbing uncontrollably.

Roy slowly made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen. He padded over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. It had been sitting for a while and was very strong but he didn't care. His mind wasn't on the coffee; it was upstairs with the love of his life….. kicking the shit out of himself. _Damn it, DeSoto….what the fuck were you thinking? _ He took another tentative sip then grimaced and poured the rest down the drain. He gripped the coffee cup in his hand wishing he could throw it at something. When he heard the water running upstairs he decided to walk out onto their deck and clear his head; trying to think of some way to make it up to her.

Upstairs, Joanne turned off the bathwater then tentatively tested it with her toe. It was hot but that was ok; she wanted nothing more than to burn away the pain in her heart. Her hips slowly lowered into the water and the stinging sensation nearly made her yelp. She finally managed to lean back against the cool porcelain and leaned her head back closing her eyes. _How did I not see this happening?_ She had accepted that her body was not the same after the births of two babies. But Roy had never complained about not being satisfied in their bedroom. He'd always made her feel sexy and beautiful; never hesitating to compliment her on a variety of things; both publically and privately when it involved something no one else needed to know. She had always thought she'd been able to satisfy him until today. Now, she knew she wasn't giving him what he needed. Her body wasn't as attractive to him anymore as it had been when she was younger. As these thoughts invaded her psyche she propped her elbow up on the side of the tub and leaned her forehead into her palm; glad that Roy was no longer outside the door within hearing range of her gut-wrenching sobs.


	7. Chapter 7

Humanity Is Vulnerable-7e

Sarah Brewer had been sleeping for several hours when Harold walked into her hospital room. He had been out of town on business and had arrived home to find a note stating that his wife had been taken to Rampart General Hospital by ambulance and that Izzy, their three year old pomeranian was being cared for by their neighbor Claire. His breath hitched as he saw his wife lying in bed; her breathing very even and deep. Dr. Morton had spoken to him briefly about her condition and he was relieved to be told that she had suffered from a panic attack rather than a heart attack. No doubt, the condition had been brought on by the recent death of their only son, Gavin. Dr. Morton had prescribed a tranquilizer for her and wanted to keep her overnight for observation. He'd also suggested therapy for her as a way of coping with her grief.

Harold removed his coat and loosened his tie then sat on the edge of her bed. He didn't want to disturb her but he needed to touch her; feel her and know that she was alive. He also recognized that she was not the only one suffering from grief. He'd poured himself into his work as a way of coping with his own short comings as a father. In his mind he rationalized that if he stayed away from home then he could just pretend that everything was like it had always been; Gavin would be estranged from them but he'd be alive. But when Harold was at home he was reminded that his son was indeed dead; and he'd died without ever hearing his father tell him that he loved him. He died with only the loving touch of his mother by his side because Harold had found his lifestyle too repulsive to accept. He exhaled sharply as he stood up and crossed over to the recliner; exhaustion taking its toll on him too. If he was totally honest with himself he had to admit that it wasn't that Gavin's lifestyle was repulsive to him….he was embarrassed by it instead. And now, his son was a corpse in a cold grave, his wife was suffering, and Harold was afraid he'd never be able to remove himself from the hellish nightmare he now found himself in.

Shortly after 8:00am, a knock on the door brought him out of his self-loathing thoughts.

"May I come in?" The young physician asked with his head stuck in the door.

"Yea….of course." Harold answered.

"Mr. Brewer….I hate to bombard you like this but I was wondering if you'd mind answering some questions for me?"

"No…not at all Dr. Morton. Please come on in. She's…ah…she's still resting." He said looking tiredly at his wife.

Dr. Morton took a seat in the only available chair and lowered the tone of his voice so as not to disturb his patient. "Sir, I know this will be difficult for you but it's about Gavin's health."

Harold hung his head and scrubbed his face with his thumb and fingers; removing the tears he'd allowed to fall. "Yes…..I ….ah…I understand. Go ahead, Dr. Morton. I ….well, I have nothing to hide."

Mike reached out to the grieving man and placed a consoling hand on the older man's shoulder. "Sir, I am truly sorry for your loss. We've gotten his autopsy report back and what actually took Gavin's life is a type of pneumonia that we rarely if ever find in young healthy people. It's usually in older people and folks with compromised immune systems like people with cancer who are on chemotherapy." Mike looked into the eyes of Gavin's father. "Sir, he is one of five young men in L.A. whom we know of who have gotten sick from this same illness. And, we've found out it's happening in other large cities."

"What does all this mean, Dr. Morton?"

"We don't know exactly but every case…so far….has occurred in young gay men." He watched as the older man slumped forward resting his elbows on his knees and staring down at the floor.

"Why?" He finally looked back up at the doctor. "Why them?"

"That's what we're still trying to figure out. The CDC is working on this too. But, we didn't want you to hear about it through the media without hearing it from us first. "

Harold nodded his head then sat back in his chair. "I..I ..uh..appreciate that, Doctor. Is it contagious? I mean, could Sarah….or I have it too?" He asked glancing at his wife's sleeping form.

"Well, it does seem to be contagious but….well, it isn't showing up in women or heterosexual men. So, I can't answer your question exactly. The folks at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta are working on it but right now it's just so new that…..well, it doesn't even have a name yet. Some folks are calling it GRID or Gay Related Immune Deficiency but we aren't exactly sure how it's transmitted…..other than it involves the gay lifestyle."

Harold swallowed back the bile he was beginning to taste in the back of his throat. "So…..so his lifestyle is what killed him?"

Dr. Morton chose his words carefully. "It seems that there is a connection but we just don't know for sure yet. I'm terribly sorry that I don't have any more answers for you than this. But, I was wondering…do you know who Gavin might have had sexual contact with? It could help us understand what took him away from you." Mike hoped his bedside manner was coming across as more caring than he feared it was. He'd really worked hard on improving it in recent years.

Harold shook his head negatively. "I'm sorry, Dr. Morton. We…Sarah and I…we didn't talk to him about it. Well, maybe Sarah did." He stood up then and walked over to take his wife's hand in his own. "She…she talked to him more than I did. I'll…" He gulped. "I'll ask her when she wakes up if that's ok?"

Dr. Morton took Harold's cue and stood up as well. "Yes sir, Mr. Brewer. That will be just fine. We'd appreciate it." Mike offered his hand to the older gentleman who accepted it graciously in a firm handshake. "I'll be back to check on her later on today." He said turning to leave.

"Thank you, Doctor." He ran his thumb across his wife's soft hand. "Uh…Dr. Morton?"

"Yes?"

"I need to correct something you said earlier about this disease taking Gavin away from us."

Mike clutched the paperwork he'd been holding a little tighter. "Go on." He encouraged.

"It…it wasn't this disease that took Gavin away from us." He said staring straight into the dark eyes of Mike Morton. "It…ah…it was me…..I pushed him away." He looked back down at his wife again and wiped his eyes. "If I can do anything to help you …..help you save someone else's son…I'll do it….I'll do it for Gavin." He said sinking back down into his chair but never letting go of Sarah's hand.

Mike took a tentative step backwards as he pursed his lips into a thin line. "Thank you, Mr. Brewer." He said as he walked out the door.

E!

"Kel, have you even been home?"

"Do I look that bad, Dix?" He asked from behind his desk piled high with papers and open books.

Dixie closed the office door behind her and sauntered over to take a seat in front of his desk. "You look like you've gone a couple of rounds with Ali."

Dr. Brackett snickered and closed the book he was reading. "Well, well, you certainly have a way of making a guy feel good about himself."

"I'm just worried about you, Kel. If you collapse then you can't do anyone any good." Her blue eyes bore holes into his soul with her sincerity.

"Doesn't seem to matter if I'm conscious or not, Dix." He said running his hand through his disheveled hair. "I'm not doing anyone any good any way."

"Kel, you know that isn't true. Constantine Gueterrez is still alive. And if you hadn't figured out why the treatments weren't working then he'd be in the morgue now…..so don't feed me that bullshit, alright?"

"Yea….maybe…but I feel like I'm just shifting chairs on the Titanic. If he has this disease….this GRID….then he's a dead man anyway…..maybe not today or next week…..but the end result is the same." He leaned back in his leather chair and rested his tired neck on his chair back. He looked up at the ceiling and huffed.

"Kelly Brackett! Don't you huff at me!" Dixie stood up and leaned over on his desk looking straight into his red rimmed eyes. "This is not the first time in history that something new has cropped up in the human population…..and it won't be the last either. Maybe you are shifting chairs on the Titanic, to use your own analogy, but you are also giving them longer to live, Kel. More time to understand what's happening and maybe….just maybe prevent it from spreading to some other young man. More time for someone with a lot more brain cells than I've got to develop a cure. And more time to reconcile with their estranged families, Kel." She leaned in closer knowing she had his complete attention. "And yea….maybe you are just shifting chairs on the Titanic as you put it…..but the slower that ship sank the more time people had to get off that damned boat. Now if you give up then all you've done is just take away another lifeboat from these young men…..and damn it, Kel….we all know there weren't enough lifeboats on that ship to begin with so how dare you take away the only chance some of these men have?" Her voice trailed off into barely a whisper as she let her words sink in. She stood up then, straightening her uniform, and turning to walk out the door.

As she reached for the door knob she heard him call her name. "Dix?"

She turned around to look at him without saying a word.

"Thanks…..I needed to hear you say that." He smiled at her, wrinkling the dark circles beneath his eyes.

She never said a word but chose instead to turn her back on him and walk out the door; with a huge smile spreading across her face.

E!

Joanne used a cool cloth to soothe her tear-stained face. She stared harshly at herself in the mirror and scrutinized everything she saw there. Sniffling, she wrapped her white robe around her naked body and slowly walked out of their bedroom; preparing herself to meet Roy and try to help him understand how badly she felt for ruining his morning; and hoping he would somehow be able to overlook her shortcomings. She tiptoed softly down the stairs and made the turn into the kitchen expecting to see him there. She found the kitchen and living room empty and felt her breath catch in her throat. _Roy? Where did he go? _She knew then that things were worse than she had thought. She felt the stinging in her eyes again as she walked back through the kitchen headed for the stairs when she caught a glimpse of a familiar form on their back deck. She stood at the window for a few moments watching him before his misery became more than she could handle and she headed back for their bedroom to lie down.

Roy stood on their back deck slightly bent over with his forearms resting along the top rail. His left foot was perched on the bottom rail and his head hung down in despair. He had mentally relived the moment repeatedly and each time the result was the same. _What a fuckin' idiot, Roy. Of course you hurt her. Almost no lubrication and no preparation. Damn it! _He continued to kick himself for his behavior. He had tried to hold her; to tell her how sorry he was…..but she refused to talk to him. She'd locked herself inside their bathroom and wouldn't let him even examine her to make sure she was ok. _Of course she wouldn't, you sick bastard. She probably is afraid to let me touch her! _He stood back up straighter running his hands through his auburn hair; never knowing she had been watching him.

The ringing phone made him turn to go back into the house. "Hello." He said dejectedly.

"Roy? Uh…catch ya at a bad time?"

"No…what's up, Johnny?" He asked not exactly wanting to hear his partner's chipper voice at a moment like this.

"Cap called me a minute ago and said that Brackett had called an urgent meeting of all the paramedics at 10:00am. Said it's mandatory and I told him I'd call you and let you know. Want me to swing by and pick you up?"

Roy stammered trying to think of a reason why he couldn't go with Johnny but he also knew he probably shouldn't be driving in his current frame of mind anyway. "Ah, yea sure…that'd be great. Say in about 45 minutes?"

"Sure, Pally. Tell Jo I said 'hello' and I'll see you in a few minutes."

"Thanks, Johnny." He said then hung up the phone in the kitchen; leaning on it momentarily while trying to figure out what to do. He didn't want to leave Joanne like this but she wasn't speaking to him anyway. He finally decided to go upstairs and try to talk to her. He had a few minutes before Johnny would be there to pick him up so he had time to try to apologize. He made his way up the stairs to their bedroom trying to think of the right words to say.

Joanne lay on her side of their bed curled around his pillow in a fetal position, silent tears streaming down her face. She heard the door creak open and for a brief moment a sliver of hope rushed through her chest causing her to hold her breath; waiting for her loving husband to lie down beside her and cradle her in his arms. Waiting for him to whisper into her ear how much he loved and cherished her in spite of her inability to meet his sexual needs. Their love was based on more than just sex wasn't it? _Please, Roy? Please still love me anyway, please! _She hesitated to turn towards him, not wanting to see his hurt features in the event that he couldn't move beyond their earlier intimate debacle. Then she heard the door slowly closing and heard the floor creak as he made his way back down the hall and away from her. She gripped his pillow tighter and quietly sobbed for what she now knew she had lost.

Roy opened the door slowly not sure what he'd find. There she was lying with her back to him curled up in a fetal position wearing her white robe; her bright red toenails peeking out from beneath the hem. He once again cursed himself for not noticing her attention to detail. She'd gotten a pedicure using the bright red polish he loved so much. Everything she had done this morning had been for him; for his excitement and pleasure and for all intents and purposes he'd just thrown ice water on her and shoved her away. _Oh god, Jo….I'm so sorry. _ He took a tentative step inside the doorway wanting nothing more than to snuggle up to her, hold her gently and profess his undying love for her. He reached out for her, certain that she'd heard him enter their bedroom. But when she made no effort to turn towards him, he relaxed his arm and let his hand slowly fell back down to his side. How could he even think that she'd want him to touch her after he'd hurt her like he did. He'd bruised more than her body and he knew it. The only problem was that he didn't know how to let her know just how sorry he was for what he'd done. After a few tense moments he figured she was either sleeping or too upset to even look at him. Either way, he knew he needed to leave her alone and hope that time would help heal the wounds. He stepped backwards pulling the door closed as he exited the bedroom. He made his way back downstairs and decided to leave her a note explaining why he'd suddenly left with Johnny.

He stepped into the kitchen feeling like he was suffocating. When the weather was cool Joanne had a habit of opening up the kitchen window over the sink just a couple of inches. She liked the feeling of the cool air blowing into the kitchen while she cooked; keeping her cool in spite of the heat emanating from the stove. This was one of those cool mornings even though summer was almost upon them and Roy was thankful for the comforting breeze snaking across his perspiring forehead as he quickly scribbled a note to her about where he was going.

_Jo my love,_

_I'm so sorry I hurt you. Will you please, please forgive me? I never meant to do that. You are my world and I just want to take back everything I did wrong this morning. Dr. Brackett called an emergency meeting at the hospital for all paramedics at 10:00am and I'm riding over there with Johnny. Please don't shut me out. Please? I love you with all my heart._

_Roy_

He wanted to write so much more than just those few words but he wanted to be looking into her beautiful green eyes while he said the words that were on his heart. He didn't want her to read them on a cold piece of paper. He wanted to touch her, caress her and smell her scent as he kissed away her heartache; not simply tell her he was sorry. He stood at the counter lost in the moment for a long time until he heard the distinct sound of Johnny's horn blowing in their driveway. Just a short blast was all he heard but it was all he needed to hear. He laid down the pen beside the paper and left it lying on the bar separating their kitchen from their dining room; the place where he knew she'd see it as soon as she came down stairs. He then grabbed a soda from the refrigerator and popped off the pull tab dropping it in the trash on his way out. He needed something to wet his dry throat. As he opened up the front door he didn't realize that doing so would pull a draft in through the kitchen window; and he had no way of knowing that the note he'd just written was blown off the counter and slid underneath the refrigerator.

"Hey." Johnny said with his usual smile.

"Hey, Johnny…..what the hell's going on with Brackett?"

Johnny waited until Roy shut his door before he backed out of the DeSoto driveway and then headed toward Rampart General Hospital. "I'll be damned if I know."

They rode on in silence for a few moments. Johnny could tell something was wrong but he wasn't sure whether he needed to ask or not. Roy tended to be very private. Finally, as he made his way closer to the hospital he couldn't take it anymore.

"Somethin' wrong, Roy?"

"What? Oh….nah…everything's fine." He said finishing the last of his soda.

"Mmm-hmmm." Johnny smirked. He and Roy had been partners long enough for him to know when Roy and Joanne were having a lover's quarrel. This was one of those days. He pulled into an empty parking spot and the two 'A' shift paramedics from Station 51 joined with the paramedics from the other stations that operated out of Rampart in the conference room; everyone anxious about what Dr. Kelly Brackett had to say to them.

E!

Dr. Brackett slammed the chart down on his desk. "Damn it!" He mumbled to himself.

"Kel, they have the right to do it, you know."

He sat down and steepled his fingers in front of his mouth for a moment before he responded. "I know, Joe. And I know he'll be well taken care of over at Saint Francis' but…"

"But he's your patient?" Dr. Early finished his sentence for him.

"Something like that….I guess." Dr. Brackett propped his right hand on the chair arm.

"What else then, Kel?"

"Huh?"

Joe took a seat on the corner of Kel's desk. "I asked what else is bothering you about this case?"

The silence lingered a beat too long before Dr. Brackett responded. "Joe, you and I both know that the emotional stability and health of our patients makes a huge difference in their recovery."

"Right."

"Well, Connie Gueterrez doesn't have the emotional support I feel like he needs in order to give him the best chance at recovery." He smirked without making eye contact with his colleague.

"Oh…..you're talking about his lover aren't you?" Joe was never one to mince words.

"Yea, Joe…his parents are making his decisions for him while he's unable to do so for himself and they've decided that only his immediate family can see him."

Joe examined the back of his own hand for a moment. "Kel, you're right. He needs to know that his partner is there for him and….well, loves him."

"Humph….that's what I told them and….well, now he's being transferred over to Saint Francis'."

"Not your fault, Kel. All you did was tell them the truth." Joe offered as consolation.

"I know. They're making a mistake, Joe. Not with his physical care, of course. But when he finds out what they've done…..he'll never forgive them." He said looking into the eyes of the older physician.

Joe nodded and stood up from his corner seat quickly glimpsing at his watch. "Well, the meeting is about to start and the speaker isn't there." He held out his arm toward the door.

"Oh yea….let's go share the news." Kel said in a depressed and somewhat sarcastic voice.

E!


	8. Chapter 8

Humanity Is Vulnerable-8e

Dr. Kelly Brackett looked into the faces of most of the paramedic teams who worked out of Rampart Hospital. Many of them were the faces of men he'd personally trained. A few of the men were unable to attend this mandatory meeting because they were on runs but the vast majority was present.

"Gentleman, I know you are wondering why I ordered you all to come in here today. This is a first for me as well. I have to give you some news that quite frankly will be difficult to believe but I have to tell you it is absolutely true. " He paused, taking a moment to look into the faces of each man present.

Johnny and Roy exchanged worried glances.

"A couple of weeks ago a young man was brought in here by 99's in respiratory arrest. He had pneumonia but our usual treatments failed and that young man died a short time later. Before I received his autopsy report we had another young man brought in with the same symptoms…again, he didn't respond to standard treatments. However, before we lost this second young man, I received the autopsy report on the first one." He paused to take a deep breath. "What the first young man died from was Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia. That's an illness we only see in people with compromised immune systems like the elderly and chemotherapy patients…NOT young men in the prime of their life." Kel watched as the paramedics began to shift uneasily in their seats; none of them knew where this meeting was heading.

"Yes, the second young man had it too. I've been in contact with my colleagues at Saint Francis and Harbor General and between our three hospitals we have a total of five patients with identical symptoms…and the only common factor between them…." He hesitated knowing how his next comment would sound. "….is homosexuality."

Various murmurings made their way through the assembled group. Kel looked at Joe who had joined him for moral support.

Kel held his hands up as a way of shushing the group. "I know that sounds unbelievable but men…..I've been in contact with the CDC…..and it's happening in New York too."

Craig Brice was the first to raise his hand. "Dr. Brackett, this sounds remarkable. Are you telling us that gay men have immune systems so weak that Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia has the opportunity to actually kill them?" He asked using his index finger to push his thick rimmed glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose.

Johnny shook his head in disbelief and used the back of his hand to tap Roy on his forearm. Roy cast his partner an irritated glance then returned his attention to Dr. Brackett, anxious for his answer to Brice's question.

"Craig, not all gay men, no. But some gay men DO have some illness that is damaging their immune systems. And it isn't just PCP that's being identified as an opportunistic infection…Kaposi's Sarcoma is being seen in New York…not here…yet."

Wheeler was the next one to ask a question. "So we have some sort of Gay Cancer out there?"

Dr. Brackett ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Well, something like that…..but right now we can't figure out why it's only appearing in the homosexual community. It's being tentatively referred to as Gay Related Immune Disease or GRID."

"Who cares…" came a mumble from the back of the room. No one knew who said it but the harsh comment made its way to Dr. Brackett's ears.

Kelly Brackett stood up a little straighter as his resolve strengthened and his determination dug in. "Gentlemen….let me be very clear. I care….and each of you better damn well care too. These men are our citizens, our patients, our neighbors…and just because it's showing up in the gay community now doesn't mean that it isn't …or won't be….in the general population as well. We don't yet know why this particular segment of the population has this disease but let me be very clear….illnesses do NOT know sexual orientation. And if you think they do then you need to go back through your paramedic training course."

The room grew deathly quiet as the gravity of the situation sank in. Finally it was Roy who spoke in a gravelly voice.

"Dr. Brackett…..why did you bring us all in here? There's more isn't there?"

"Glad you asked, Roy….and yes there is."

Ears all over the room perked up at his statement.

"I'm making a change in the protocol for personal safety reasons. From this point forward, any time you are dealing with a case that appears to be GRID then I'm ordering you to use masks and gloves before you even touch the patient."

Various sounds of frustration could be heard and again he had to raise his hands to quiet the room. "I know…I know. You're thinking this is a waste of time and lives could be lost by you taking the extra time to use the protection. Well, that's a chance we're going to take. It's not a choice, men. It's an order. You will be given enough supplies to get through a few runs before you have to restock. It'll take time to remember to do it but I don't think we have a choice here. And, depending on how this thing spreads….and make no mistake here, I am expecting it to spread…we may just have to use this protection on every patient at some point in the future."

Joe had watched the faces in the rooms and he could tell that some of the men weren't believing what they were hearing. "Men, there's another reason why you are being ordered to do this. Why do you use gloves when you examine a laboring woman or when you are delivering a baby?"

Understanding seemed to make its way across the faces of several of the men. Johnny was the one who spoke for the group.

"Doc, one reason is to keep from spreading our germs to the newborn." He said, understanding not quite reaching his face.

"Exactly, Johnny. What you men are being told is that these individuals are immune-compromised. Your germs could kill them so it's to protect them from you more so than to protect you from them."

"Thanks, Joe." Kel said appreciatively.

"So, how is this thing spread?" Bellingham asked.

"We don't know yet. The only thing we have to go on is that it is somehow spread by the gay lifestyle."

Johnny gulped and tapped Roy again. Both men were thinking about their previous conversation about how many heterosexual couples enjoy the same activities as homosexual couples. Roy however, was hurled back to what had happened in his bedroom earlier.

"Is it in semen then?" Dwyer asked.

"We don't know for sure because we don't actually know what we're dealing with. But we are assuming at this point that it is in semen…but it could be in any body fluids…that's why we want you all to use the personal protective equipment when you are dealing with a patient you suspect may have this."

"Could it be airborne?" Another asked.

"We don't think so. If it was airborne then it would be infecting many more people including women and heterosexual men through casual contact," Kel responded. "Any other questions, men?"

The stunned group said silent; completely amazed by what they had heard.

"Alright, I wanted to tell you before you heard about it on the news. Once the media gets a hold of this it's going to explode. There will be lots of rumors floating around and I don't want any of you practicing your trade based on rumors. If you have questions you come to me, Joe or Mike. All three of us have worked with the two patients we've had here so far. As we learn more, I'll call additional meetings. Now, for those of you who are on duty, stop by Dixie's desk and pick up additional supplies. And if there are no other questions, I'll adjourn this meeting."

E!

Joanne finished applying her make-up giving extra care to her swollen and red-rimmed eyes. She had no idea where Roy had gone but she'd heard the sound of Johnny's horn blowing and knew that wherever Roy was he was with his partner. Her insecurities had reared their ugly heads inside her mind but her anger had fought them back down. Now, she stood before the mirror with a different look on her face and a new resolve in her heart. _Two can play this game, Roy. I may not be able to satisfy you like I once did but damn it…I haven't let myself go either. Plus, I've given you two beautiful children. How dare you walk out on me like this? _She walked to her closet and pulled out an outfit that Roy wouldn't have approved of for her to wear grocery shopping. Her cleavage was revealed by the plunging neckline and her rounded bottom and shapely legs were accentuated by the tight short skirt. She pulled her hair back in cloisonné combs allowing ringlets to drip around her ears seductively while she added large sparkling gold hoops to her ears. Bright red lipstick made her pouty lips come alive as she gave herself one final look in the mirror and turned off the light.

She walked downstairs and considered leaving him a note as to her whereabouts. It was only a fleeting thought as she picked up her purse and keys then headed out the door.

She pulled into a parking spot near the end of the parking lot; very near a crew of men who were working on the sidewalk close by. There were closer places to park but she specifically chose this spot. She looked one final time in the mirror to make sure she still looked her best. She then pulled her purse onto her shoulder and did something she'd never done in her life.

E!

"You're mighty quiet, Roy." Johnny said worriedly.

"Just thinking's all." Roy answered. He had no intention of discussing his problems with his partner. He was too embarrassed.

"Yea….got me kinda freaked out too, man. How can it be only in gays you know?"

"Huh?" Roy had only caught part of Johnny's statement.

"I said how can this only be happening to them? It doesn't make sense. I mean, if it is in semen then how'd it get there? What about the bi's you know?"

Roy rubbed his aching forehead. "Johnny, I have no idea what you just said."

"Ok, look, Roy. If this…whatever it is…" he said with animated hand motions. "...is in semen then how'd it get there to begin with? And, there are some guys who …uh….go to bat for both teams, you might say. So, how come they aren't spreading it to the women they have sex with too?"

"Shit, Johnny…..I didn't think about that."

"Well, I did but that was a hostile environment back there," he said pointing his thumb behind him to indicate the meeting they had just left. "I sure as hell wasn't gonna ask today."

"Afraid someone might think you were bisexual?" Roy asked with a silent smirk.

Johnny's lack of an answer confirmed Roy's suspicions.

Johnny slowed down to turn into Roy's driveway. He didn't even notice that the family sedan was gone. "Well, I'll see ya next shift, Pally."

"Thanks for the ride, Junior." Roy answered as he slammed the door shut. He was much more concerned with the health of his relationship with Joanne than with the health of a small minority of the population in Los Angeles.

E!

Joanne opened her car door and slowly allowed one bare leg to emerge. She leisurely got out of the car and then bent over pretending to retrieve something from the floorboard and thus allowing her skirt to ride up a little higher on her thighs in the back. After a few moments, she stood up and patted down her skirt in the front. She cast a quick glance toward the men in the sidewalk crew and noticed that several of them had stopped working to eye her. She seductively flipped her hair over one shoulder and turned to saunter towards the grocery store entrance, well aware that the cat-calls and a couple of lewd comments were aimed at her.

Inside the grocery store, a couple of older ladies eyed her with disgust. A couple of men stared at her smiling and one even licked his lips. Suddenly, she questioned her own sanity. She began to get a sick feeling in her gut about what she was doing. She began to feel exposed dressed as she was and suddenly an overwhelming desire to run away over took her. She abandoned her shopping cart and headed straight for the door; dreading her walk back to her car.

"Woohoo, come to Papa, baby."

"Need a ride, little lady?" One older man asked with a hand over his crotch.

The phrases and whistles stung as she hurriedly made her way to her car. She threw her purse inside and slammed her door locking it. She gripped her steering wheel fiercely, battling the tears that were stinging her eyes. _Joanne DeSoto….you are a married mother of two….not some cheap slut! _Finally she made her way back out into traffic and headed home; hoping she'd get home before her husband.

E!

Roy entered the quiet house and walked quickly to the counter where he'd left Joanne the note. He was expecting to see her beautiful cursive handwriting below his on the slip of paper but instead the bar was empty except for the pen. He knew then that she'd found the note…and was not impressed with his apology. He thought briefly about running out to buy flowers; he knew she loved them and right now he'd do anything to make her happy. He jingled the keys in his pocket and turned to walk out just as he heard the front door opening. He was taken aback by the sight of Joanne.

Joanne pushed open the door and froze. Her green eyes locked with Roy's blue ones and she watched his mouth drop open in horror. To hide her embarrassment she averted her gaze, dropping her purse into a chair and then rushed up the stairs.

"JO!"

Joanne rushed into their bedroom and locked the door behind her. She could hear his heavy footsteps down the hallway and knew she needed to change her clothes quickly. He'd seen her and there was no way to avoid the confrontation she knew was coming.

Roy pushed on the bedroom door never imagining it was locked. He stumbled into it and then shook the knob as a wave of nausea swelled in his stomach. He pounded his fist on the door. "What the hell was that supposed to be, Jo!" He cringed as soon as he'd said it. "Damn it." He mumbled realizing that she wasn't going to unlock the door for him and he didn't want to spend his off day repairing a damaged bedroom door. "Hope you had a good time." He said sarcastically then turned heading back downstairs to the kitchen.

He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a beer then walked outside to the backyard. He sat down on the steps of their deck and popped the pull tab guzzling the ice cold contents. He had to cool down before he did something else he'd regret.

E!

Kel slammed his phone down cursing. "Sonofabitch!" He hadn't noticed Mike Morton had pushed open the already slightly ajar door.

"What now, Kel?"

Dr. Brackett looked up suddenly and grimaced. "Oh….sorry, Mike. Come on in."

Mike closed the door behind him then took a seat. "I…I just wanted to let you know that I've discharged Mrs. Brewer. She seems fine now and she's going to follow up with a psychiatrist in a couple of days. I spoke to both of the Brewer's and neither of them knew who their son may have had sexual contact with."

"Figures….." Kel said leaning back; exhaustion and defeat spreading across his face. "Mike…..we've lost another one."

"Who?"

"Well….not us here at Rampart but over at Harbor General. Same thing." Kel huffed.

Mike didn't reply but just sat staring into his lap. "I feel so damn helpless, Kel."

"Yea…..you're in good company there but…." He hesitated as his ringing phone interrupted him. He held up a finger to let Mike know to stay put.

"Dr. Brackett," he announced. He listened momentarily then closed his eyes wiping the perspiration from his forehead with his free hand. "I see, Charles…..yea…thanks." He rested the handset back into the cradle then looked up at the young physician sitting in front of him.

"Well, the flood gates are about to open." He said sarcastically. "The national media has set up outside of Harbor General. The CDC has made an announcement about this illness and the media is flocking to all the area hospitals."

"Better call security, Kel." Mike said with a stoic expression on his face.

"Yea…..but our hospital security can't help all those people out there who are about to hear this news."

E!

Joanne finished cooking dinner and sent Jennifer out to let Roy know it was ready. She hadn't seen him since she ran upstairs when she returned from the grocery store. He'd gone outside while she was changing clothes and removing some of her make-up before the kids got home from school. He was furious and she knew it. He had every right to be; in fact, she was furious with her own risqué behavior. She looked around at her home, the security of her family dwelling; the normalcy of it all and again fought back her tears.

Chris bounded down stairs and sat down at the table. "Smells great, Mom. I'm starving."

Joanne grinned at him. The older he got the more like Roy he was and he was now at an age where he was a bottomless pit. Then she heard the back door open and Jennifer's jabbering voice made its way inside. "She looked so silly, Daddy but it was funny." She heard Jennifer say.

Roy then stepped inside the dining room and took his usual seat. To the children, everything seemed normal but to Roy and Joanne…everything was very different.

E!

Richie Owens walked through his door from work and dropped his keys on the television set. He turned it on and let it play while he went into the kitchen to put a TV dinner in the oven. While he waited for his meal to heat up he picked up the telephone and dialed the number to the ICU at Rampart General Hospital. He'd been calling the hospital for updates on Connie and while no one was allowed to give him information on Connie's condition at least he would be told when Connie had improved to the point he was moved to a regular room. His plan at that point was to make another attempt to see him. He'd go in uninvited and then the Gueterrezes would have to kick him out in front of Connie. Connie would know that Richie had been trying to see him and that he still loved Connie. He also had planned to bring Connie home to his apartment when he was ready to be released from the hospital. He had promised he'd take care of Connie forever and he was going to make good on that promise. The ringing sound on the line brought him back from his thoughts.

"ICU."

"Uh…yes, ma'am, I was wondering if you could tell me if Constantine Gueterrez is still in your unit?"

There was a fumbling sound on the other end before the feminine voice came back on the line. "I'm sorry, sir. He's….ah….I'm afraid he's gone." She said reading the note that indicated she was not allowed to reveal to which hospital he'd been transferred.

"G..gone?...he's been discharged to a regular room?" Richie asked as the tendrils of fear and anxiety crawled up his spine and wrapped tightly around his throat.

"No…sir….all I can tell you is that he's gone." The female voice repeated.

Richie slowly hung up the phone staring at the wall. A million images ran through his mind at once. An image of Carlos Gueterrez spewing vile words at him the last time he had been to Rampart made its way to the forefront of his mind's eye. Then the image that he knew he'd take to his grave came into clear focus. It was the image of Connie Gueterrez, the love of his life, dying without Richie by his side.

Richie picked up an ashtray from his coffee table and threw it against the wall where it left a gaping hole in the sheetrock and ashes on the floor. He then balled up tightly on his couch and cried; he cried for the life he was never going to have with Connie and he cried for not being able to fulfill his promise of taking care of Connie forever. He hugged himself as he sobbed into the dingy smoky scented cloth covered furniture for over thirty minutes; until the timer in the kitchen sounded. He knew he wouldn't be able to eat tonight but he got up, removed the tin foil tray and turned off the oven. He reached inside his refrigerator and retrieved the remaining three beers he had in there and returned to the living room where the news was just coming on the television. Once he drank those three beers he'd go out and get more…..or do something to relieve his stress.

E!

Roy and Joanne cleaned up the kitchen in silence; neither one knowing exactly what to say to the other. Afterwards, the entire family sat down in the living room just as the evening news was coming on. Joanne picked up a magazine while Chris began adding baseball cards to his latest binder. Jenny was drawing with her art supplies and Roy sat mesmerized by the information being released to the world that night. His respirations increased as the news broke about the new disease killing young gay men. Chris heard the word 'homosexual' and his ears perked up. He, Roy and Joanne sat glued to the television set until the end of the segment.

"Oh, so what if a bunch of queers die?" Chris blurted out.

Roy's response shocked everyone in the room. He slammed his fist down on the end table knocking over the lamp. "Damn it, Chris….I better not EVER hear you speak like that again, mister."

Chris gulped and his eyes grew wide then teary. His father had never cursed at him before in all of his thirteen years. Jennifer sat stone still sniffling as her tears poured out and smeared her color pencil sketch. Joanne's nostrils flared at the anger she felt.

"Chris, Jennifer….go to your rooms." Joanne said in a low stern voice.

Roy rubbed his hand over his face and felt the trembling he couldn't control. Once the kids were out of hearing range Joanne began.

"Did Chris really deserve that?"

"Jo," he gritted his teeth. "You heard what he said. We have not raised him to treat other people like that…..this disease…..might be affecting only a few people today but Dr. Brackett says it's gonna spread…and it's not just the disease either. Where did he learn to devalue human life like that?"

"Probably school…..it's his age, Roy. Besides, ….a lot of people do and say things when they should know better." Her voice trailed to a whisper as her eyes lowered to her lap in shame. She needed a segue to apologize to Roy for how she'd behaved earlier. She opened her mouth to speak when Roy stood up quickly.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys….."Don't wait up for me."

Roy drove out of his driveway and let the night air rush across his face. _Sure, Jo….kick me when I'm down why don't you? I know I messed up this morning but damn it…..I apologized and you just can't forgive me can you? _Roy drove into the night feeling very demasculinized. He'd been admonished for trying to teach Chris a lesson. Then the admonishment had moved on to him as a lover. Now, all he wanted to do was race his sports car down the freeway and never look back.


	9. Chapter 9

Warning: strong language and graphic sexual content including slash

Humanity Is Vulnerable-9e

Roy drove around for over an hour before he finally pulled into the parking lot of a bar he'd been to before with some of the guys from 51's. He wasn't one to frequent the bar scene but right now he needed a drink and a place to sort out his conflicting emotions.

He walked in and nearly choked on the cigarette smoke that cloaked the place like a thick fog. He wandered over to an end seat at the long wooden bar and sat on the black leather stool.

"What'll you have?" Asked the balding bartender placing a cocktail napkin down in front of him.

"Uh….gin and tonic." Roy said looking around feeling very out of place.

"Start a tab?"

"Um…..yea sure….why not?"

Roy turned sideways appearing to be checking out the other patrons when he was actually thinking back over the day's events. _How could something so good turn so bad in such a short period of time?_

"Problems with the wife?"

"Huh?" Roy mumbled turning back towards the bartender and noticing his drink sitting in front of him.

The bartender smiled at Roy then leaned on his forearm. "I asked if you were having problems with the wife?" He nodded at Roy's left hand. "Most married men who come in here to pick up women remember to remove their wedding ring first."

"Oh…um, I'm not here to pick up anyone."

"I know…..and I've seen that look before. Just don't drink too many….or stay away from your old lady for too long, buddy." He then turned to the seat next to Roy. "What'll you have?"

"Um…..I think I'll have what he's having." The voluptuous young blonde said smiling flirtatiously at Roy.

E!

Richie finished off his last beer while he watched the evening news. He'd heard the report about the strange new illness killing gay men and then the last statement from a local reporter sent him over the edge. The fact that there had been a second death in Los Angeles related to this disease sent his mind reeling back to Connie. He'd lost everything he held dear and unlike the rest of the population when a loved one was lost, there would be no comfort food brought to him by friends. No one would offer him condolences or remind him of what a good man Connie had been. No flowers, sympathy cards or hugs for him; his grief was his to bear alone in silence. He couldn't mourn publically for his loss and worst of all he couldn't even attend the memorial service. His anger boiled barely beneath the surface as reality crashed in on him. He methodically went to his bathroom and showered. Removing Connie's ring from his finger, he placed it on his dresser knowing he'd never wear it again. He no longer cared about anything or anyone; a part of him died today also.

He glanced at himself in the mirror and almost didn't recognize the image staring back. He no longer looked like the man who was once the life partner of Constantine Gueterrez. Now, he looked like the young frightened man he was when he'd first accepted his own sexuality. He was dressed in clothes for a man much younger than his thirty years. But none of that mattered because he was headed to a place where no one cared about societal status or what kind of clothing was worn; a place where everyone was equal and more importantly…..everyone was accepted. He was returning to the refuge of a place he frequented before Connie came into his life.

E!

Roy was nursing his fourth gin and tonic trying hard not to listen to the chatty blonde bombshell sitting beside him. He knew she was expecting him to pick up the tab for her drinks but he had no intentions of doing so. All he'd wanted to do was get away from his problems for a little while.

"Heeeeey, I love this song…dance with me, Roy." She said standing up, reaching inside the crook of his elbow and pulling him to his feet."

"No…I'm not much of a dancer." He said silently cursing himself for telling her his name.

"Oh, come on….just move to the beat a little. That's all you have to do." She said as she began to gyrate to the beat and move herself closer and closer to him.

Roy backed up against a wall feeling like he was going to suffocate. "Ah, look….umm…"

"Amber."

"Amber…..I'm married so I don't need to be doing this."

She pouted her bright coral lips out at him. "So? I don't care. I won't tell. Besides, if you're married then why are you here trying to pick me up unless you're looking for a little action on the side?" She spoke in a lower tone as she eased herself closer to his ear and placed her arms on his shoulders.

Roy began to sweat bullets. The alcohol was fogging his brain and the nearness of the attractive woman began to make him feel waves of heat washing over his body. He swallowed hard and blinked his eyes tightly trying to calm himself down and make the room stop spinning. Amber saw her opportunity and reached up locking her lips onto his.

Roy was shocked at her boldness. Her breasts crushed against his chest and her hands were squeezing his butt as her tongue desperately tried to find an entrance into his now very dry mouth.

E!

Richie walked up to the dusty lavender door with the number 111 in bold gold paint. To those who didn't know, it appeared to be a residence but to the population who frequented this establishment, Ozzy's Gym was a perfect place to get what they wanted with total anonymity. He inhaled deeply remembering how he thought he'd left this part of his life behind but that was before Constantine died. And what awaited him behind the door was his life before Connie. He felt as though he'd lost control over everything in his life and tonight he was determined to take it back. He couldn't control the Gueterrezes, or his homophobic neighbors. He couldn't control the hospital policy that denied him information on the health of his lover nor could he control the damn disease that took Connie. But he could take control of himself and his actions and tonight he would be in total and complete control.

He twisted the door knob of the seedy bathhouse and entered the darkened corridor leading up narrow stairs to the entrance where a dark wooden counter served as a gateway. He was taken aback by how the place had deteriorated during his absence. He recognized the man behind the counter but neither spoke more than was necessary. Richie laid the bills out in front of him and was handed the key to a locker on an elastic band he could wear around his wrist along with a towel. He picked up a small tube of lubricant and turned heading toward the lockers ignoring the condoms offered to him; tonight he felt a sense of urgency to go bareback. He didn't want anything to numb the experience he so desperately needed.

The three story building was narrow with long corridors but it was the upper two levels where all the action occurred. Richie had always wondered what it had been originally but had never taken the time to ask the questions. The reality was that it really didn't matter what ghosts might haunt the place; he was only concerned with the living patrons all of whom had similar needs as those which brought him here this night.

Heading towards the lockers, the smell assaulted him and thrust him back in time to this same place a couple of years earlier. The heavy blanket of cigarette smoke mingled with the musky scent of men, sweat, and sex. Music blared throughout most of the establishment with only minimal lighting where it was needed most. Several men meandered around all searching for the same thing. Some wore their towels around their waist while others were completely naked. He quickly disrobed and placed his belongings into his assigned locker casting the towel over his left shoulder. He'd just use it when he needed a quick clean up; fresh towels were offered at the showers.

He made his way up the still familiar stairwell to the second level. His eyes adjusted to the dim lighting finally and looking around he could see bodies moving in the darkness engaging in various sexual activities. A few moans and grunts were audible over the sound of the music. He passed an area where a couple of guys were sitting in various corners; some observing with voyeuristic expressions while others seemed oblivious to their spectators while they groped, sucked and stroked each other into a state of mutual bliss. Nothing appealed to him on this level so he made his way up to the final level; a maze of cubicles awaited him and he stroked himself, his erection rising with each creaking step.

He passed a couple of open doorways and took a moment to watch the activities going on in them. An open doorway was an invitation to watch or to participate. He peered into the third opening where he saw a middle aged man lying on his back obviously stoned and stroking himself. Richie looked at him briefly and the man nodded in invitation but Richie knew the invitation was to bottom and he was determined not to allow himself to become vulnerable tonight. The curtain was closed at the next cubicle but the groaning and slapping noises he heard coming from within left no doubt as to what was happening inside. The final doorway was an opening into the coveted corner cubicle and a young man was lying on his belly with his arms crossed underneath his chin. He cast a quick glance at Richie's hardened member and grinned. Richie walked in and pulled the curtain.

E!

Roy's blue eyes popped open as he grabbed Amber roughly by the arms and pushed her back. "Amber, cut it out." He said through gritted teeth.

"Oh come on, Roy. She won't know." She purred slithering up next to him again.

"Damn it! I said no!" He briskly walked past her dropping a twenty down on the bar in front of the bartender. He didn't wait for change; all he wanted to do at the moment was get the hell out of that God forsaken den of iniquity.

He made his way to the door and looking over his shoulder briefly caught a glimpse of Amber sauntering up to some other poor unsuspecting fellow. He stepped out into the night and made his way to his car. He knew he shouldn't be driving but he had no other way to get home. He couldn't call Joanne to come and get him and he figured Johnny probably had a date anyway. Then he saw a small all-night diner about two hundred yards from the bar. He decided to drive slowly on the shoulder of the road to the diner and drink some coffee until he felt safe driving home. The way he felt at the moment he didn't care about any injuries he might sustain in an accident but the thought of causing harm to some innocent person was more than his conscience could bear.

He waited until there were no cars coming in either direction and then eased out onto the edge of the highway. He inched along until he reached the diner parking lot and pulled into a spot next to the large front window. An older woman with a gray bun and a pale blue uniform ushered him to a seat in a booth near the window.

"What can I get for you, Hon?" She asked kindly.

"Coffee….strong and black." Then he waited until she'd turned away before he completed his thought. "And a side order of hemlock." His elbows rested on the table and his face fell into his open hands. _How the hell did I get into this mess?_

E!

Both men were breathless and damp. "Fuck." The stranger mumbled as he sank back onto his belly after Richie withdrew from him.

Richie wiped the sweat from his brow. He took a minute to clean himself a little before collecting his lube from the floor and stumbling out the door; he would recuperate in a short time and then he wanted more.

E!

Finally, Roy felt sober enough to make it home safely. He left his money on the table and headed out the door; he waved kindly to the older waitress who was sweeping up at the other end of the diner.

Somehow, the drive home seemed to take forever and yet was over much too quickly. The lights were out in the house prompting him to look at his watch. _Two AM? Shit! _He slipped his key in and heard the clunking sound of the locking mechanism. He tried to walk quietly up the stairs but he heard every creaking sound the floorboards made underneath his weight. He finally reached their bedroom door and sighed. He really didn't want to face the wrath of Joanne but he knew he had it coming. His sweaty palm grasped the doorknob allowing him to re-enter the real world he'd walked out on several hours earlier.

The soft light from the street filtered into their bedroom casting a soft glow on Joanne's face; a face Roy thought looked anxious even in sleep. _God, Jo….what happened today? _He reached out and gently pulled the blanket back over her shoulders before he walked into their bathroom to shower away the scent of cigarettes and liquor and hopefully the memory of Amber. He didn't notice the fluttering of Joanne's eyelids, the quiver of her chin when he stood to walk away or the solitary tear glistening in the beam of the street light as it fell across her face.

E!

Richie walked down the hallway half leaning against the wall for support when someone stepped up behind him wrapping one arm around his chest briskly fondling his nipple while the other groped along his groin. While he had to admit the sensation was exhilarating, he wasn't in the mood to be seduced tonight. He twisted out of the grasp of the unseen force and continued on his way thankful that the guy understood that he was not planning on bottoming tonight. No, tonight was a night for what he and Connie used to call 'grudge fucking' and all he wanted to do was top until he was completely spent.

He kept wandering down the musty corridors until he found a vacant cubicle. He lay on his back with one hand behind his head and the other slowly running his fingers softly along his shaft feeling his manhood begin to swell again; his wait was not long until a man many years his senior stood before him in the doorway. A barely perceptible nod between them was all it took for the older man to walk in and close the curtain.

It was after midnight when Richie stepped into the shower of Ozzy's Gym washing off the remnants of his activities. He would be sore the next day but he didn't care. He'd been able to come four times with a multitude of partners; most of whom would no doubt be sore as well. He had not been gentle by any stretch of the imagination. No one complained about his aggressiveness and now his buttocks and thighs ached from the strain which left his nuts dry heaving. None of the encounters had involved anything other than blind unprotected sex. He'd never looked anyone in the face and refused to make eye contact; that was just too personal. He preferred complete anonymity; this was about nothing more than raw hot fast sex. He later walked out of the dusty lavender door disappearing into the cool night not even knowing the first names of the four men he'd just inadvertently infected.

E!


	10. Chapter 10

Humanity is Vulnerable-10

Roy stood underneath the hot spray of his shower and let the wet warmth flood his body. He poured shampoo into his hand and then rubbed his scalp briskly, feeling the soapy lather slide down his backside. He stood facing the stream of water as he rinsed the residue out of his hair and picked up the bar of spring smelling green soap. He worked up a rich lather and coated his body in it before stepping back into the hot stream to rinse clean. The scent of the night still lingered in his nostrils although he had no idea if it was real or imagined. Just to be safe, he repeated the entire process of shampooing and bathing finishing by scrubbing his face a little harder than was necessary. Some of the soap splashed into his eyes burning them worse than the cigarette smoke or Amber's perfume had earlier.

"Shit!" He whispered to himself planting his face underneath the hot stream one final time trying to rid himself of the burning sting. Finally feeling clean, he turned off the water and stepped out onto the bathmat then reached for a towel, allowing its thick fluffiness to blot away the dampness from his overheated body. He combed his towel dried hair into place, brushed his teeth and pulled on his boxers and a t-shirt. Then with a deep sigh, he turned off the light and slipped into bed quietly trying to silence, the throbbing in his head and trying even harder not to wake up Joanne.

E!

Morning around the DeSoto household was much too reserved for a normal 'last day of school' day. Neither DeSoto child seemed excited to be finishing up their school year and neither spoke fondly of the week they'd be spending with their grandmother later even though she was planning on taking them to Disneyland during their visit.

"Owe!" Jennifer cried as Joanne pulled a brush through her tangled tresses.

"Jennifer DeSoto….I'm not hurting you. Now hush." She said much more sternly than she'd intended as she began to french braid her daughter's blonde hair.

Joanne finally finished and the two of them made their way towards the stairs. "Go ahead, honey. I need to start a load of clothes while you and Chris are at school."

Joanne quietly turned the door knob to their bedroom. She didn't want to wake Roy; not because she cared if he slept in or not but because she wanted to avoid a confrontation. She slipped quietly into their bedroom and collected dirty clothing from the clothes hamper. She then tiptoed out of the room closing the door without disturbing him. She made her way down the stairs unknowingly dropping a couple of pieces on the way. She padded to the laundry room and began a load of white clothing as the children ate their breakfast.

"Mom, bus is here!" Jennifer yelled; her voice echoing into the laundry room.

"Ok, sweetheart. I'll be at the school to pick you up in a little while and then we'll head on over to the party."

"'Bye."

"Bye Jen, Bye Chris." She called out but Chris didn't respond. In fact, he hadn't said a word since she sent him to his room the previous night. She huffed worried that Chris might be blaming himself for his parent's fight.

"Not your fault, Chris." She mumbled to herself as she continued to sort the laundry and made a mental note to discuss it with him first chance she had when Jennifer wasn't around.

She measured a scoop of the powder detergent and poured it into the washing machine and closed the lid. She then headed into the kitchen to eat some breakfast herself. Rounding the corner from the laundry room, she spied the sock and the shirt she'd inadvertently dropped on the stairs. She picked up the sock first and then pulled up the shirt. The odor emanating from it reminded her that it was the shirt Roy had worn the previous night and she had no doubt he'd gone to some bar somewhere. The cigarette smoke had imbedded itself in the fibers as well as a faint smell of something she couldn't quite identify. She threw it over her arm and turned to make her way back to the laundry room when she saw it. There, just beneath the left shoulder on Roy's shirt was a smudge of coral colored lipstick.

The room swayed and her empty stomach lurched. _No…no he wouldn't do that. Oh God…please no!_

She sat down hard on the stairs and wrapped her arms around her knees; her green eyes glowing in contrast to the redness surrounding the Irish irises. Finally, she could hold back no more and allowed the tears to fall freely. She'd pushed him away. She'd been unable to please him in their bedroom, then he'd caught her dressing provocatively, and finally she'd yelled at him about disciplining Chris. How long had it been going on she wondered? When had their marriage begun the downward spiral that left Roy hung over in bed and her weeping on the stairs? And at what point had he begun to seek companionship outside of their marriage?

E!

"You're here early, Kel." Joe said by way of announcing his presence.

Kelly Brackett rubbed his eyes and looked up at his older colleague. "No….no Joe, I'm just here late."

"Does Dixie know?" Joe chuckled lightly but his question was serious.

"Hell no!" He smirked twitching his upper lip. "She'd have my head on a silver platter if she did."

There was a brief silence between them that was neither unusual nor uncomfortable. "So I take it this illness is still making its presence known?" Joe asked pulling his coffee cup up to his mouth.

Kel dropped the papers he'd been reviewing. "Yea…..San Francisco, Chicago, New Orleans….. "

Joe sipped his coffee and then looked at his weary colleague. "Kel, killing yourself isn't the answer."

"Then tell me what is?" He said much more harshly than he'd intended. "Damn it, Joe. I'm sorry."

"Hey, no problem….you're tired…..I get it." He set his coffee cup down on Kel's desk. "So, any ideas?"

"About what?" He asked not sure what the older man meant.

"Ideas on how to combat it? Ideas on how to keep it from spreading?" Joe asked earnestly.

"Uh… no. Hell….nobody even knows what it is for sure or exactly how it's spread."

"Well, we know it attacks the immune system and we know that at the very least it's found in semen. So, it sounds like the way to prevent it is the same way we recommend preventing other sexually transmitted diseases."

Dr. Brackett couldn't stop the guffawing that erupted. "Joe, do you remember the Stonewall riots?"

"Yea."

"Do you want to have our own version here at Rampart and YOU play the role of the police? Because I sure as hell don't." He said leaning back in his leather desk chair. "If we lose the trust of our patients then they won't let us help them."

"Well, like it or not….the truth has to be told….at least what we know at this point." Joe offered picking his cup back up and taking another sip; his eyes glued on Kelly Brackett.

"And at this point what we know is that gay men are dying from having sex with each other. That's shaky ground, Joe. We'll come across as a couple of homophobic zealots if we go public telling men to stop having sex with other men." Kel scoffed.

"And if we don't?" Joe asked playing devil's advocate.

"More men die…..I know, Joe. It just seems like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't."

"Well," Joe said with his usual grin. "If that's the case…. then let's at least be damn right."

"And right isn't always popular, is it?"

"Nope." Joe responded slapping his friend on the shoulder. "Now, you get going before Dix gets here with her silver platter."

E!

Richie rolled over in bed hearing the springs squeak beneath him. He lay on his back staring at the ceiling, noticing a spider web forming in the corner above his bed.

"Humph….just like my fuckin' life! A web….nothing but a tangled web and no way to get out of it."

He crawled out of bed feeling more exhausted than when he'd lain down hours earlier. His body protested every movement he made as he walked into the bathroom and relieved himself. He looked at the man staring back at him from the mirror. Dark circles made his face appear hallow as they seemed to support reddened eyes. His blonde hair was disheveled and his face was scruffy. He hadn't shaved in a couple of days and didn't care about doing it today. He stepped back into his hallway trudging towards his kitchen phone. He placed his index finger into the appropriate circles on the rotary dial and called his boss.

"Bill….uh…Richard. I've picked up some virus or something and I feel like shit. I won't be able to make it in today." He lied even as his stomach summersaulted. "Yea….thanks, man." He returned the handset to the cradle and headed back to bed; he had no idea just how much truth had been embedded in the lie he'd just told.

E!

Across town a very weak moan escaped from beneath a humid oxygen mask. Eyes fluttered beneath ebony bangs clinging to olive skin damp with fevered perspiration. Frail fingers grasped at the white hospital sheet pulling the tape on the IV tighter on his forearm. A mother's caress brushed across his fevered brow feeling familiar and yet different somehow.

"Rw..ri.." He mumbled.

"Sshhh, sweetheart." She crooned looking over at her husband whose countenance fell with the groanings of his son trying so desperately to call for his beloved.

In some faraway place he heard the echoes of a rapping sound. Through tiny blurry slits, coal eyes watched as the backs of two people walked out the door; their gaits were well recognized by him as he watched them exit his own personal hell. But not the grotesque features of their alien-appearing bodies. The taller one was draped completely in seal blue with white gloved hands, one hanging limply along his right hip while the other wrapped protectively around the waist of the smaller one. The smaller one was covered from head to toe in pale yellow garments that made a swishing sound when she moved. Her dainty hands were also gloved in something that reminded him of the color of Richie's hair. _Richie…..where are you, Babe?_ _You said you'd stay…..forever. Where are you? Richie? _His boney fingers lifted briefly, shakily into the air for the briefest of moments hoping beyond all hope that Richie's firm grip would capture them thereby easing the dull ache in his heart and quieting the restlessness of his terrified soul. When there was no touch returned to his outstretched hand, he lowered it back down, squeezing his eyes closed tightly then relaxing again into narrow dark unseeing slits. A flurry of activity surrounded his fading pale body as in the background a steady beeping noise hiccupped and then faltered completely into a flat monotone fading away softly. Strangely garbed bodies rushed around his still form; sheets were removed revealing his nakedness as desperate attempts were made to restart his broken heart. Within only a few minutes all efforts ceased and the noisy equipment was silenced. The oxygen mask was removed as were all indwelling tubes that seemed to have grown into his body in some bizarre attempt to root him to this world. Finally, his body was draped in a white sheet that covered him completely as an unseen wisp hovered momentarily over his body and then quickly escaped like the remnants of smoke from an extinguished candle.

E!

The sound of a toilet flushing brought Joanne out of her mind wandering moment. She sniffed, drying her eyes on the sleeve of her robe then rushed into the laundry room. She hastily tossed the errant sock into the already rumbling washing machine but hesitated with the shirt in her hand. She stared at it realizing she was holding the evidence of her husband's infidelity and decided to stash it away for the eventual confrontation. But, it was a confrontation she didn't want to have today; not when she still had to take Jennifer to a birthday party this afternoon. She remembered how the frightened little girl had cried at the sound of Roy's harsh words towards her brother. She knew in her heart of hearts that Chris's behavior needed to be corrected but it was the harshness with which Roy had chosen to deal with their young son that had set her on edge.

She opened up a cabinet above the washing machine and hid the offending garment behind the washing powder box. She inhaled a shuddering breath and then exited the laundry room prepared to paint on a smiling face for her husband. She'd give him back the outward shell of the Joanne she once was; but inwardly she didn't know how long she could keep up the façade before she cracked underneath the strain of their relationship.

Roy's head pounded as he made his way downstairs. He needed aspirin and water. The house was quiet except for the gentle distant hum emanating from the laundry room. He rounded the corner and felt his head pound even more at the sight of her standing at the coffee pot pouring a cup into his favorite mug. Their eyes never met as she turned around and thrust the cup at him. He took it from her hand and quickly placed it down on the counter while using his body to block her exit from the kitchen.

"Jo…..Joanne, please. I'm….I'm so sorry."

Joanne felt the muscles in her jaws flexing as she listened to his words; wondering if perhaps there was a double meaning to them. "Yea….me too." She whispered.

He hesitated briefly before closing the distance between them opening his arms wide and enveloping her in an embrace. "No…you haven't done anything to be sorry about, sweetheart. It's my fault." He kissed her cheek quickly then nuzzled his nose into her hair in the crook of her neck. She slowly allowed her arms to rise from her sides to his lower back but couldn't bring herself to return his passionate embrace. Roy was lost in the nearness of her never realizing that his warmth was being met with a chill. He used his nose to push aside the collar of her robe slightly so he could gently kiss the creamy soft flesh hiding seductively beneath it. Joanne closed her eyes wanting to enjoy the sensation and yet she felt her stomach nearly lurch at the thought of his lips doing the same thing to some other woman only hours ago. She swallowed hard and pulled away from him quickly pulling her robe tighter around her; the feel of the material effectively erasing the sensation Roy's lips had created.

"I've got to get ready…..busy day." She said side stepping him to head upstairs.

Roy exhaled as he got out of her way. He hadn't expected his apology to set things right that had gone so wrong twenty-four hours ago. But, he did find some glimmer of hope in the fact that she'd seemed to accept his apology and offered up one of her own. At least now they were talking. He reached for his cup and sipped the black liquid; his need for aspirin and water no longer a priority as his aching head had found some relief in the brief encounter he'd just had with Joanne.

E!

Most of Roy's day off was spent working diligently on his 'honey-do' list. It served two purposes; it satisfied Joanne's requests of him and it kept his hands and mind busy and off his marital problems. By early evening, Joanne had returned from the birthday party dragging an exhausted Jennifer in the door. She was shocked at the smells making their way from the backyard.

"Chris, I owe you an apology for last night, son." Roy told his sulking teenage son as the two of them stood in front of their grill cooking burgers for their dinner. "I got upset when it sounded like you didn't care whether someone lived or died." Roy paused hoping he'd opened a door.

Chris shrugged his shoulders. "But, they're not like us, Dad."

"No, not like us in terms of their sexual relationships; but Chris, people are people. We are alike in all other ways." He flipped the burgers before he continued. "Son, all life is precious and we can't ever take it for granted. Besides, what would happen if you found out that, say…..Uncle Johnny was gay?" Roy hoped his example would hit a raw nerve with Chris.

Joanne stood at the open kitchen window eavesdropping on the conversation between her husband and son while Jenny went upstairs to change her clothes.

Chris thought for a few moments and Roy allowed the uncomfortable silence to remain between them. He wouldn't accept the pat teenage answer of 'I dunno.' He would force Chris into an answer just to make the young man realize the significance of his statements.

"Well, Dad…..that's hard to say. I mean, I know that Uncle Johnny isn't so …"

"That's not my question, Chris. Sometimes gay men will even marry as a cover because of all the discrimination they face. Or sometimes, they are bisexual. Do you know what that means?"

Chris shook his head negatively.

"It means they enjoy having sex with both men and women."

Chris's eyes widened and Roy heard an audible gulp. Chris had heard the word used a few times at school but didn't exactly know what it meant.

"Now, hear me out, Chris. By no means am I saying that Uncle Johnny is gay or bisexual, alright? I'm just using him as an example to make a point. You and Jen love him just like he was your real uncle so would you stop loving him if you found out something like that about him? Would you care if he died?" Roy checked the burgers again and decided they were done. He used the metal spatula to remove them from the grill to the awaiting platter while he allowed Chris time to dwell on the subject. Finally, he closed the lid of the grill and picked up the plate. "Ok, take your time thinking about what we talked about before you answer me. Now, let's go see if your Mom and sister have gotten home yet. We still need to fry up some French fries and cut up the veggies for these alright?"

Chris nodded and turned toward the back door. Joanne sniffed turning from the window where she'd been listening and quickly opened the refrigerator door to pull out the red bag of crinkle cut fries and the vegetables Roy had mentioned. In spite of her current misgivings, Roy was a good father to the kids. But, she didn't know if it was enough to sustain their marriage.

When Chris and Roy came in the back door, Joanne stood in front of the stove waiting for the oil to heat up so she could add the fries. She looked at Chris for a moment. "Chris, would you go see what's keeping your sister, please? We'll be eating soon."

Chris nodded and headed for the stairs. He was old enough to know that the real reason his mother wanted him to check on Jen was just to make him leave the room so she and his Dad could talk about something privately. He once again worried that he was going to be the topic of an argument between his parents yet again. His young heart fell a little lower as he made each step toward his sister's room.

Roy gulped and felt his guard go up as Chris exited the room. He set the platter of burgers down. "Jo, I'm sorry I didn't get the rest done before you got home. I wasn't trying to make your job more difficult."

Joanne still had her back to him and she closed her eyes taking a deep cleansing breath before she turned to face him. "Roy….I…I appreciate your efforts here." She said waving her arm around the obviously freshly cleaned kitchen and the platter of grilled burgers sitting on the counter beside a large package of sesame seed buns.

"But?" He asked staring down at the platter of burgers.

"No….no buts, Roy. Listen, I…um, I overheard your conversation with Chris and…..well, you did a good job." She said turning back around to add the fries to the heated oil.

Roy listened to the sizzling sound of the icy fries hitting the hot oil. "Thanks, sweetheart." He offered still unsure of why she'd sent Chris upstairs.

Joanne heard his term of endearment and cringed. Before yesterday, she'd have sauntered over and wrapped her arms around her man when he called her 'sweetheart.' But, this was a different day and she no longer felt the desire to feel his closeness. "Roy, there's a lot of burgers here. Want to call Johnny over for dinner? Give Chris a little something to think about while it's fresh on his mind."

Roy smiled briefly. A warmth washed over him as he realized just how special it was that after the last thirty-six hours or so, he and Joanne were working together for the good of Christopher. Maybe…..just maybe things weren't as bad as he had assumed they were after all.

E!

"Uncle Johnny's here!" Jennifer called out from the open front door.

"Hey there, little lady." Johnny patted her on her head while flashing her his trademark grin.

Johnny then inhaled deeply. "Mmmmm, smells delicious, Jo!" He walked over to the place where Joanne was standing slicing tomatoes while Roy stood beside her slicing onions. He leaned down kissing Jo on the cheek before clasping his hand on the shoulder of his partner. "Got you doing the dirty job, huh?"

"Nope, Junior, just helping out my precious wife." He said not sure if the onion or his emotions had caused the sudden teary sensation.

"Roy and Chris cooked the burgers; I didn't even ask them too." Jo said hoping to at least fake it through dinner without Johnny catching on that there was trouble between his friends.

Chris rounded the corner of the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks. Joanne stared up at him with a brief smile then began tearing apart the lettuce. She knew what was going through his mind.

The young teenager gulped in horror as he saw the backs of his Dad and Uncle Johnny standing hip to hip with Johnny's hand clasped on his Dad's shoulder. Johnny then turned around and saw Chris staring at him.

"Hey, sport. Last day of school today, huh?" He grinned then whispered to Joanne. "What can I do to help out?"

"Uh….yea…yea, Uncle Johnny. It's summer now." He said but didn't make an effort to step towards him.

"Ummm, let's see, Johnny. I think we're about ready. Mind getting the drinks out?"

"Sure thing. What does everyone want?"

"I want coca cola, Uncle Johnny." Jennifer called out.

"Ok, sprite." He cajoled.

"No! Coca Cola!" She said not understanding the nickname he'd just used.

"No, Jen…a sprite is a little fairy that..….well, never mind. Coca Cola for Jen. Chris?"

"Uh, yea me too."

"Jo?"

"Tab for me, thanks." She said with a slight smile.

"Roy?"

"Water, thanks."

"Ok, so we've got two cokes and Tab and a water…..but there're five people here. Oh yea, John, what'll you have? Why thank you for asking, Johnny. I think I'll have milk. Then milk you shall have, John." Johnny grinned over at Jenny who was laughing at him for talking to himself. Chris however just stood back much more quiet than normal.

Roy took his seat at the head of the table with Joanne at his left. Jenny sat beside her in her usual seat while Johnny took the seat at the other end directly across from Roy. Chris normally sat across from Jenny so that Johnny had one on each side of him leaving an empty seat beside Roy. However, tonight he chose to sit next to his Dad leaving Johnny wondering if he'd somehow offended the boy. He decided to say nothing and just see how he reacted the rest of the night.

The conversation around the table during the meal seemed as normal as ever to Christopher. His Dad and Uncle talked about their last shift and the upcoming one they'd be starting in the morning. He began to let down his guard over his initial shock of seeing his uncle's arm draped across his Dad's shoulder earlier. After everyone had eaten their fill, Johnny leaned back. "Chris, you and your Dad sure know how to grill a mean burger." He offered patting his stomach.

"Why thank you, Junior." Roy said with a grin and finally Chris opened up.

"Yea, thanks Uncle Johnny…um, wanna see my new baseball cards I got the other day?"

"I sure do, sport!" He said with a smile. Whatever had Chris uneasy earlier seemed to have disappeared. _Uh-oh…..must be girl troubles starting….._


	11. Chapter 11

Humanity Is Vulnerable-11e

The air around the DeSoto household still hadn't cleared more than three weeks later. Roy and Joanne were little more than cordial to each other and their once incredible sex life had come to an abrupt halt. Joanne found more and more reasons to be away from home when Roy was there and wept alone in their bed when he wasn't. She felt as though she were living in some alternate universe where she both loved him dearly and hated him at the same time. Her warring emotions were taking their toll on her. She'd tried making herself more attractive by paying more attention to her hair, make-up and nails but Roy hadn't seemed to notice her efforts. She then thought that if she initiated sex more often then maybe he wouldn't feel the need to seek fulfillment elsewhere. She'd tried to fake her way through it pretending she wanted it as badly as he did but her body knew she was living a lie. She knew that her orgasms were more between her ears than between her thighs and no matter how hard she tried to climax she just couldn't. After the second failed attempt to reach her climax she simply couldn't continue her efforts in the bedroom and she was more than a little exhausted from the stress and strain of their relationship. The rift between them was growing into a chasm and she felt powerless to stop it. His shirt from that fateful night remained hidden in the laundry room. She knew she needed to talk to him about it. Perhaps even suggest marriage counseling but she simply couldn't bring herself to admit that he had strayed and she had failed. And she didn't want to accept that what they'd once shared was over.

Roy continued to suffer in silence. He'd done everything he could think of to satisfy Joanne sexually but no matter what he did she didn't have an orgasm which left him feeling worthless as a lover and somehow not the man he'd once been. In his heart he knew that their marriage was more than just the sexual components but somehow it all seemed connected. He'd seen her fixing herself up more than usual and now she was gone more on his off days than ever before. His mind began to put the pieces together and it sickened his stomach.

He looked at himself in the mirror as he prepared for another shift. He smeared the shaving foam along his face and neck and began to pull the blade along his throat in a smooth upward stroke. He tried not to let his mind wander to the deep darkened corners where his relationship with Joanne seemed to be hiding. Instead, he focused on the positive aspects of his life - his son Chris and his daughter Jennifer. He pulled the razor across his cheeks as he pondered the conversation he'd had with Chris last night when they were alone on their back deck.

"Dad?"

"Yea, son," he answered Chris without looking up from his lap. The two of them had been sitting in their lawn chairs drinking ice cold bottles of coca cola watching the sun go down and discussing Chris's desire to play football in the fall. They'd found a comfortable silence before Chris called out to him.

"I…well, I thought about what you said the other day…about Uncle Johnny."

Roy held his breath hoping his experiment hadn't backfired on him. "And?"

Chris looked down in his lap searching for the words he needed. "Um…..is he?"

Roy closed his eyes as images of Johnny and one pretty young woman after another flashed in his mind. A broad smile stretched across his lips. "No, son. No, he isn't…..but I'll ask you again. What if he was? Would you hate him? Would you be the least bit upset if he caught this illness and died?"

Chris drew in a jagged breath trying desperately to hold his emotions in check. "No, Dad." Chris sniffed at the thought of his Uncle Johnny dying from the hideous illness afflicting gay men. "He'd still be my Uncle Johnny…wouldn't he?" His comment was more of a statement than a question.

Roy reached over grasping his son's neck in the crook of his elbow and pulling him into a manly sideways hug. "And these men who are now dying….they're someone's uncle, son, brother….." He let his cheek rest momentarily on Chris's head letting his words sink in.

The splash of water on his face brought his thoughts back to the present as he washed the remaining shaving foam from his face and finished getting ready for work.

E!

"We gotta victim inside; kid's probably in his bedroom." Cap's voice boomed over the background noise of nervous chatter, honking horns in the distance and the crackling of a well involved structure fire. He waited only a moment then continued once he saw his paramedics were in gear and headed toward the structure. "Give 'em some fog, Marco."

Marco nodded his understanding while Chet backed him up with one hand on his shoulder. Marco switched the straight stream to a fog pattern sending steam mixed with smoke bellowing out of the open doorway while Roy and John made their way inside, lifelines dangling behind them.

Once inside the single story dwelling, Roy and Johnny began searching the three bedrooms. The master bedroom was empty so Roy made his way back out into the hallway.

Johnny had already searched the first smaller bedroom but found the second bedroom door locked. Roy stepped into the hallway just in time to see Johnny kick in the bedroom door. Flames were licking their way up three of the walls. The closet door was burning giving Johnny a sick feeling. If the kid was in there then he'd most certainly be dead.

E!

Outside the burning building a young teenage girl with strawberry blonde hair was on all fours vomiting from the smoke she'd inhaled as well as being distraught. She'd been looking for her younger brother until she'd nearly collapsed inside somehow managing to crawl to the door where one of the policemen pulled her away just as the firefighters arrived.

Now she pulled up clumps of grass with her bare hands as she frantically fought the urge to return to the doomed structure to retrieve her younger brother. She had been babysitting while her mother was at work and knew that whatever had happened to cause the fire must have been her fault.

Hearing a screaming sound she recognized, she looked up wiping her mouth with the back of her hand as her hysterical mother charged towards the burning remains of what was once their home. Her stomach summersaulted again as her mother locked eyes with her, looking down on her in more ways than just their physical positions.

Mike had caught sight of the young girl and stepped over to offer her his assistance. She waved him off initially but then caught his arm as she faltered while trying to stand – her pain filled eyes never leaving the glare of her mother.

The older woman, chest heaving in anguish, was released by the officer after seeming to calm down a little. She walked over to the young girl and Mike released her fully expecting her mother to embrace her lavishing her with a grateful emotional display. He felt his blood boil when the older woman stood at arm's length from her daughter; her daughter who obviously was emotionally devastated and hurting. Then the stinging slap that landed the girl in a crumpled trembling heap made Mike almost coldcock the mother. He'd never hit a woman but if this had been the girl's father….well, Mike felt certain he would've been arrested for what he would've done to him.

Vince had witnessed the exchange and quickly came to the aid of the young girl from her abusive mother. He grabbed the woman from behind effectively pinning her arms at her sides so they could inflict no more damage; but what he didn't know was that the damage had already been done.

E!

"Here!"

Johnny jerked his head around at the sound of Roy's yelling and saw his partner on all fours reaching underneath the small twin bed in the corner of the room. Just as Johnny got to him he pulled out an unconscious boy who appeared to be around six years old. Roy didn't take the time to check for a pulse; he cradled the still form into his arms and charged for the front door with Johnny close on his heels.

Once outside, the senior paramedic gently laid down the child and immediately began to strip out of his gear while Hank retrieved the needed equipment. Johnny also stripped himself of his gear and the two began quickly assessing their young victim.

Meanwhile, a woman who appeared to be the child's mother was struggling with Vince Howard, clawing at him in desperation trying to reach her son.

"Let me go, damn it….he's my baby. Ohmygod!" She screamed.

"Ma'am…ma'am, stay back and let them work. They're doing everything they can for him."

"Roy, pulse is weak and his respirations are 10 and shallow." Johnny immediately placed the oxygen mask over the child's mouth and nose hoping he would be able to inhale the clean air deeper into his already smoky lungs.

Roy pulled the stethoscope from his ears and immediately got on the biophone with Rampart for instructions.

Johnny looked up and saw the struggle Vince was in with the child's mother. "Hey Vince….mother?"

"Yea."

"Let her over….we need her permission to treat 'im." Johnny said as he began to assess the child for trauma.

"Ma'am…."

"He's….he's dead isn't he?" She trembled sinking to her knees beside her unconscious child.

"No ma'am….he's very much alive." Johnny assured her. "But, we need your permission to treat him."

"Ye..yes, do whatever you need to do." She mumbled never letting her eyes leave her son.

"Ok, does your son have any medical conditions? Allergies? Taking any medication?" Johnny asked in a rapid fire of questions.

"No..uh..yea..yes, he's got hemophilia." She stuttered.

Roy overheard her comment and immediately added that bit of information to the vitals he was already relaying to Rampart.

E!

Mike kneeled down beside the young girl who was now dry heaving near the engine. "Hey….you okay, Miss?"

The strawberry blonde nodded in affirmation but didn't meet his gaze. He reached out a hand to her and felt her tense underneath his touch.

"Just take it easy. Your brother?" He asked looking over her small form to the place where the paramedics worked feverishly on their young victim.

"Y..yes."

"You did everything you could to get to him. He's alive or they wouldn't be working on him. So…."

"Doesn't matter." She croaked out interrupting him.

Mike knew where she was headed and he wanted to stop her negative stream of thoughts. "Listen, we need to get you breathing some clean air." He stood up pulling her up as well and leading her over to the tailboard of the engine. He pulled the oxygen out of its compartment and gently placed the mask over her mouth and nose. "Try not to talk alright? Just breathe." He softly reached for her hand and placed it on the mask indicating that she needed to hold it in place then returned to his control panel.

E!

The structure was small with no other structures nearby so Hank keyed up the microphone. "LA…return other units responding to our incident."

"10-4, 51."

He stepped back around to speak to his engineer and noticed Mike's blue eyes staring in the direction of the rear of the engine. "Something wrong, Stoker?"

Mike's azure gaze met that of his superior. He knew that with the noise level no one would hear what he was about to say except for Hank. "Yea…child abuse."

"What?"

Mike grimaced. "The mother of our victims seems to have forgotten she has two children. She slapped that little girl back there." He indicated with a nod of his head. "Didn't even seem to care that the girl got out alive with just a little smoke inhalation but she's acting like mother of the year to her son." He mumbled turning back around to check the controls.

"Damn shame." Hank said. "She must blame the girl for the fire."

"No excuse, Cap."

"No…no it's no excuse. I can't imagine what must be going through that child's..….."

Hank stopped in mid-sentence as he caught sight of the young girl making her way through the throng of onlookers; she was inching her way toward the back of the structure and suddenly Hank's gut tightened.

"Oh no you don't, sweetheart!" He whispered brushing past his engineer and making a charge to the back of the property where the remaining fire continued to consume the older home.

E!

"Rampart, our victim is beginning to regain consciousness." Roy reported as his partner looked on with a wide grin.

"Oh, thank you…thank you for saving him." His mother cried running a soothing hand over her son's soot covered forehead.

"10-4, 51. Transport as soon as possible and keep a check on any signs of bruising or bleeding."

"10-4." Roy looked over at the child's mother. "You want to ride in the ambulance or are you ok to drive?"

The weeping woman gulped trying to find her voice to answer. "I..I can drive. Thank you….thank you both." She looked down into the hazel eyes of her frightened son. "Mommy's going to be right behind you ok? You're gonna get to ride with the firemen, alright?"

The exhausted child wasn't able to answer but simply let his heavy eyelids droop closed again.

"Let's go, fellas." Roy called out to the ambulance attendants.

"Um, his doctor is at Children's Hospital…..that's where we usually go. Will you take him there?" She asked nervously.

"Yes Ma'am. We'll take him where ever you prefer but I'll need to notify Rampart since that's where my orders have been coming from." Roy answered.

"Hey Roy, I'll be on in a minute. Want to make sure the guys are alright." Johnny said waving towards the still smoldering structure.

"K." Roy said packing up the biophone after notifying the hospital of their new destination while Johnny held the IV bag up over the small boy.

"What's his name, Ma'am?" Roy asked his mother.

"Peter."

"Ok, Peter….lets you and I take a fast ride ok?" He said to the still child. He watched as the child nodded slightly and he knew he'd been heard.

Johnny closed the ambulance doors with the customary two slaps and watched as the ambulance drove away with lights and blaring siren. He then turned his attention to Mike to ask how the fire fight was going but noticed Mike tilting his head in an unusual stance straining to look at something in the distance. Johnny turned quickly in the direction of Mike's gaze just in time to see the young girl dashing towards the back of the unstable burning structure; their captain sprinting close behind.

"Shit!" Johnny spat out louder than he'd intended. He quickly threw on his turnout coat and gloves; foregoing his SCBA hoping he wouldn't need it.

Hank's eyes were burning as he chased the girl through a thick cloud of smoke. "Mi, uha….Miss!" He called amid coughs. A spray of water enveloped him and a pair of strong hands reached around his chest pulling him towards the door. "No..uha….no…girl." He called out trying to let whichever crew member held onto him know why he had returned.

"I know, Cap. I know….Marco saw her and he's goin' after her. Now, you're comin' with me." Chet had never spoken to his captain in that tone before but he knew what he was doing was right as he dragged the older man through a cloud of smoke and steam onto a clear spot on the back lawn.

Johnny reached the place where his captain lay still coughing just as Marco emerged from the steamy smoky entrance dragging the girl who seemed intent on resisting her rescue. "What the hell happened, Cap?"

Hank lay down on his back coughing while trying to breath in the air from Chet's mask. "Here." He said thrusting it back at the junior lineman. "Go back and finish this bastard off, will ya."

"Yea, sure Cap. We're almost done anyhow." He said accepting the proffered mask and returning to assist Marco in placing the kill shot to the blaze now in agonizing death throws.

Vince and Mike saw what was happening and made their way over to the scene, Mike carrying the oxygen from the engine. "Here, Cap. Deep breaths," he said pulling his captain's helmet off and placing the mask over his nose and mouth

"Go…uha…" Hank couldn't finish his thought as his body convulsed with another episode of coughing. He nodded his head to his left and Mike knew what he meant.

"Cut it out!" Johnny jerked his head back after feeling the stinging blow of the distraught girl now writhing on the ground beneath him. Vince Howard managed to restrain her flailing arms, albeit a few seconds too late to save the paramedics bleeding lip.

"Get off…uha….off me…uha ." She tried to scream as her struggling only seemed to entangle her more within the tight grasp of the two men who were working feverishly to subdue her.

"What'cha need, Gage?" Mike asked surveying his paramedic straddling the girl.

"Oxygen." He said through clenched teeth. "And maybe the backboard so we can restrain her."

Mike quickly retrieved the items, glancing at the engine's control panel before he returned. He dropped the requested items on the ground beside the still struggling paramedic. He placed his open palm on the forehead of the frightened girl serving to restrain her thrashing long enough for him to get the oxygen mask on her face pulling the rubber strap over her head.

Her eyes flew wide with panic as the mask covered the lower half of her face. Johnny could feel her arching her back in an adrenaline filled attempt to break free from her captors.

"Mike….go take…..care of the men." Cap was on his knees beside his struggling paramedic, trying to speak between deep inhalations of oxygen from the mask in his hand.

Mike nodded his understanding and returned to his post.

"Can you do a relay, Cap?"

"Sure, John."

"I need permission from her mother to treat her or else Vince will have to assume custody."

"Johnny, the mother took her own vehicle to the hospital so I'll assume custody and give you permission to treat her." Vince offered.

"Listen to me…..listen to me." Johnny gripped the girl's head between both his hands trying to establish eye contact with her. "You're gonna be a'right, ok? So's your brother. He and your mom are already headed to the hospital. Now calm down and we'll get you there too."

Her green eyes seemed to melt away as she closed them squeezing out tears onto her soot covered cheeks. "No…..no, please…uha." She coughed out the words.

"Ssshhhh…..just relax a'right and we'll let you go. If you don't then I'm gonna have to strap you down to this backboard to treat you." He hoped his threat would bring her to her senses.

"Please stop….uha….please don't…uha."

"Take it easy, sweetie." Johnny soothed.

Stop…uha…please le'go." She continued from behind the mask but she was losing her will to fight.

"Vince…how 'bout get us another ambulance rolling will ya, Pal? I got her now." Hank requested replacing Vince's handholds with his own.

"You ok, Cap?" John asked.

"Yea." Hank croaked out then turned his attention back to their young female patient.

Johnny wiped his bloody lip with his shirt sleeve then eased himself off of her. "Easy now. We're gonna help you…..we're not gonna hurt you."

She curled into a tight fetal position on the wet ground. "Leave me alone…uha….please?" She begged knowing her request would be denied.

"Can't do that…..now, what's your name?" Johnny asked his sobbing patient.

"Be..Bethany."

"A'right, Bethany. You're gonna be ok. I'm gonna take good care of you."

E!

"So, what's with the young chick?" Chet asked Mike during overhaul.

"Not sure…..she knew we got her brother out." Mike answered. He didn't tell Chet what he'd seen happen between the girl and her mother.

"Anybody who runs back into a burning building is either trying to retrieve something really important…..or else really suicidal." Marco mused as he continued to search for hot spots.

Mike pondered over Marco's comment as he watched Johnny climb into the ambulance with the now subdued girl strapped onto a gurney. Vince handed Johnny the IV bag and then turned to look at Hank.

"I'm goin'." Hank responded begrudgingly climbing on board.

Mike smiled to himself. "Cap's getting a taste of his own medicine." He laughed as the other two firefighters looked in the same direction as their engineer.

"Haha….about damn time he had to make that run to Rampart." Chet quipped. "Uh….he is ok, right Mike?"

"Yea….just ate some smoke. He'll be fine." But Mike wasn't so sure about the young girl riding in the back of the ambulance between his captain and Johnny.

E!

The following morning a very haggard Dr. Brackett dropped the phone back into its cradle and rested his forehead on his thumbs. After a few moments he reached for the handset again and paged Joe Early. He had predicted this day would come…he just hadn't predicted its arrival would happen quite so quickly.


	12. Chapter 12

Humanity Is Vulnerable-12e

Kelly Brackett lifted his head at the sound of a knock on his office door. "Come in."

"I heard you were looking for me…but these days, I'm almost afraid to find out why." Joe Early had a feeling that whatever the news was, it wasn't good.

Dr. Brackett leaned back in his leather desk chair tossing a stack of papers toward his colleague. "Sometimes, I really wish we weren't right."

Joe picked up the notice and pulled his reading glasses from his coat pocket. He placed them on the end of his nose and then quickly scanned the document; bile making its way into his throat as the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. "God help us." He whispered as he reread the document just to make sure he hadn't made a mistake.

"Well, Kel…..you called it from the beginning." He removed his glasses slowly folding them and returning them to his side pocket.

Dr. Brackett grimaced with a huffing sound. "Yea, well….still don't know what to do for them."

"From what I've read here…..there's nothing we can do except treat the symptoms. Maybe they'll get better and live a while longer until…."

"Until one opportunistic infection or another takes 'em out." Kel finished for him. "This does confirm what we were thinking though…..it definitely is blood-borne."

"And since this patient was diagnosed at Children's Hospital and he's a hemophiliac then…" Joe scrubbed his face with his palms before continuing. "Then it's in our blood supply."

"Bingo." Kel leaned forward elbows resting on his desk. "And that means we….all of us who come in contact with human blood…..have got to be extra vigilant to protect ourselves."

"This…" Joe held the paper out at arm's length trying to see the small writing. "Human immune-deficiency Virus….ah, so CDC has named it….can be passed from one person to another through blood or semen right?"

"Yea, so it seems. We both know that the skin acts as a barrier but this HIV is so tiny that it could be introduced into a new host through the tiniest entry point. Hell, we've always joked that you can't die from a paper cut but now I guess you can."

Joe stood up placing the documents back on the desk again. "You know it isn't the paper cuts scare me. It's the needle sticks."

"Damn…..and how many of those do we get in this facility a year?"

Joe looked at his hands before answering. "Too many…and now they might do more than just make us sick….they can kill."

A heavy silence fell between the two physicians; each lost in thought. Finally, Joe broke through the silence. "You know, you're gonna have a fight on your hands with administration if you implement what the boys in Atlanta are recommending."

Kel appreciated how his friend had a way of stating the obvious just to make him think out loud. "I know. But I'll tell you this much…..they'll have one hell of a fight on their hands if they deny my request." Dr. Brackett's voice boomed inside his office; laced with a fury Joe knew was just beneath the surface.

Joe began to walk towards the door. "Well, you can easily explain to them what HIV means."

"Yea," Kel pressed his palms into his desk to rise to his feet. "It stands for Humanity Is Vulnerable….like I said before."

"That's right, Kel. All humanity…..even administration." He reached for the door knob. "Oh, I'm assuming this calls for another mandatory meeting with the paramedics?"

"This calls for a mandatory meeting for everyone…paramedics, police officers, doctors, nurses…..hell, even cafeteria workers aren't immune."

"That's just it isn't it? No one is immune." Dr. Early said as he exited.

"Nope…" Dr. Brackett reached back down and picked up the document on his desk. "Not even six year old little boys."

E!

Roy stood in front of his locker pulling on his uniform pants and tucking in his shirt. He pulled his belt to the familiar spot but found his pants still too loose. He had to adjust his belt using the fourth notch instead of the third as he'd done for years. He'd lost weight and didn't even realize it.

"You ok, Roy?" Johnny queried.

"Did ya say something?" Roy asked sincerely as he looked over at his partner.

"Yea…I asked if you're ok?"

"Fine, Junior." He responded nonchalantly turning back to his locker.

Johnny sat down on the bench to put on his socks and boots. He stared briefly at his partner, noticing that he'd lost a few pounds and his blue eyes were now encased in dark circles and petechiae. He glanced around noting that there was no one else in the locker room before he spoke.

"Roy," he said standing again so he was looking his partner in the eye. "Level with me. What's going on, Pally? You look like hell. You've lost weight and if your eyes are any indication you've been losin' sleep and pukin' your guts up."

Roy leaned into his open locker and placed his face into his open hands. He released a half chuckle before he removed them down to his sides to grip the wood he was leaning against. "Damn it, Johnny. Why can't you tend to your own business and leave me alone."

Johnny was a bit taken aback by his partner's uncharacteristic outburst. He'd been leaning against his own closed locker door and pushed off with his shoulder moving around so he'd be in front of Roy.

"Because I'm worried about you, Pal. We've been best friends and partners for too many years for you to just blow me off like this." Johnny looked down at his feet then back up at his partner. "I care about you, man. Something's wrong and I'd like to help."

Roy looked deep into the dark eyes he'd grown accustomed to over the years. "Yea, well….you can't."

Johnny nodded his head briefly looking away from his partner then looking back at him. "Jo, the kids or both?"

Roy squinted his eyes as he questioned what John had just said. "What'd you say?"

"I asked is it Jo, the kids or both? Your family means more to you than anything else in this world so whatever is eatin' at ya, it's got to involve your family." Johnny watched Roy's shoulders slump and knew he'd been right.

"Yea….ok…. Jo and I aren't getting along too well."

Now it was Johnny's shoulders that slumped. "Damnit…look, I'm sorry man."

"Ya happy now?" Roy asked in a voice dripping with sarcasm as he lifted his butt out of the locker and closed it.

"No…no, I'm not. And I'm sorry I pried into your business…if there's anything I can do just…"

"There isn't." Roy spun on his heels and left the locker room leaving a confused and worried John Gage standing alone.

Roy quickly made his way to the dorm room to make a private phone call while John exited the locker room in search of his first cup of morning coffee.

"Hey, Gage."

"Hey, Chet." Johnny said reaching beside the sink to grab a clean cup from the dish drain and then pouring himself a cup of the hot brew.

Mike and Marco exchanged confused glances but Mike gave voice to their thoughts. "You ok, Johnny?"

"Sure, why?" Johnny leaned his backside against the counter while blowing a cooling breath across his steaming cup.

Mike turned back around casting a quick blue-eyed look at Marco. "You just don't seem like your usual cheerful self is all."

"It's Monday and I'm at work. Couldn't be better." He said unconvincingly then sampled his coffee.

"Roll Call, men." Hank said sticking his head in the kitchen doorway.

Marco handed the sports section back to Mike who then folded up the paper. Johnny took another quick couple of sips of coffee then set his cup down to cool a little more during morning announcements. Chet poured the remnants of his cup down the drain then led the rest of the men into the apparatus bay.

The four of them took their places in line as Hank cast an exasperated look at his watch. He opened his mouth just as Roy exited the dorm room and briskly walked over to take his position in line.

"Glad you could join us, DeSoto."

"Sorry, Cap. I had to take care of some personal business."

"Alright men, listen up. There's a mandatory paramedics meeting at Rampart at 10:00am in the training room. It says here that Dr. Brackett has updated information on GRID. He'll be sharing information that you're to bring back to the rest of us. If you're on a run then you'll be expected to attend a make-up session tomorrow at the same time."

"Hey, I hear the health department is shutting down the bathhouses in San Francisco to slow down the spread."

"Where'd ya hear that, Chet? On your last visit?" Gage quipped.

"Oh real funny, Johnny." Chet smirked.

"Will you twits let me finish, please?" Cap commanded.

Both men fell silent at their admonishment.

"Ok, Marco you've got meals, Mike dorms, Chet kitchen and dayroom clean up, Gage apparatus bay and DeSoto latrine. Now let's have a safe shift."

E!

Joanne's hands were shaking as she packed up her bags. Roy knew that she was taking the kids to spend a week with her mother but what he didn't know was that she was going to be staying there as well. She was taking enough clothing to stay longer if they needed to and she'd told the kids to pack extra too. She looked back down at the note she'd written explaining that she didn't know when…..or if….they'd be back. She didn't tell him about the lipstick she'd found on his shirt. She wanted to but knew that was something that needed to be said face to face; if they ever had another face to face conversation. Her tears were threatening to fall when she heard the doorbell ring. She quickly dried up her eyes and headed downstairs.

"I'll get it, Mom!" Chris called upstairs as he walked to the front door. He opened it up and then a stunned expression came over his face.

"DeSoto residence?" The pretty young woman asked.

"Yes."

"I have a delivery for Joanne DeSoto." She said handing him a vase of beautiful red roses.

"That's my mom. I'll give them to her."

"Ok, thanks." She said with a smile then turned and walked away.

Chris walked carefully over to the kitchen table and placed the creamy white vase down. "HEY, MOM!"

"I'm right here Chris, you don't have to…." Joanne couldn't complete her sentence as she caught sight of the flowers.

"What on earth?" She reached for the card quickly opening it.

_Dearest Jo. I don't know how to fix what ever has gone wrong but I still love you_

_more than you could ever know. Please, let's talk when I get off shift tomorrow. _

_Love,_

_Roy_

Joanne sniffed and wiped her eyes.

"You ok, Mom?"

"Yes, Chris….this is just a surprise that's all." She wouldn't lie to him but she wasn't planning on telling him the entire truth either. It was a surprise as this was something she was not accustomed to receiving from Roy. He would occasionally pick up a bouquet on his way home from work on special occasions but he never spent this kind of money to have flowers delivered to her. She placed the card back inside the tiny envelope and turned around. "Are you all packed and ready?"

"Yea." Chris said still not understanding her tears. He knew his father had sent the dozen red roses to her so why did that make her sad? He hoped this would make things better around their house.

"Well, go get your sister and let's load up the car." Joanne turned to walk up the stairs sticking the card inside her purse as she walked past it on the counter. _Sorry, Roy…_

E!

The early morning was quiet for the squad. The engine had gotten toned out for a tire fire at an illegal dumping site but the paramedics had stayed behind hoping to make their meeting at Rampart General Hospital.

"Wonder what Brackett's got for us now?" Johnny asked his partner after they'd finished their inventory and morning calibrations.

"Guess we'll find out soon." Roy responded glancing at his watch. He thought about the flowers he'd ordered for his wife and hoped she'd appreciate the gesture. They needed to talk and iron out whatever had gone wrong.

Johnny plopped down on the dark sofa beside Henry and picked up the paper. Roy was pouring himself another cup of coffee to combat the fatigue he was already feeling when the ringing phone jolted them both.

"I'll get it." Gage said leaping from his sitting position. "Station 51, Firefighter Gage speaking."

Roy's ears perked up and his heart skipped a beat. _Jo? Did you get the flowers?_

"No, I'm sorry but the engine is out on a run….."

Roy exhaled and turned around to face the sink. He didn't want Johnny to see how disappointed he was that the call hadn't come from Joanne. He had hoped she would be overjoyed by his gesture and was calling to thank him. _Maybe they haven't been delivered yet._

"Cap needs to call Mrs. Stanley when they get back." Johnny said even though he suspected Roy hadn't heard him. He watched as Roy remained standing facing the sink and staring at the wall behind it. _Come on, Roy. Snap out of it._

The sound of the bay doors opening brought Roy out of his trance. Johnny stepped through the doorway into the apparatus bay and waited while Stoker backed the engine into its spot. The smell of burning rubber permeated the bay.

"Damn, you guys stink!"

"Thanks a lot, John." Marco snickered stepping off the engine.

"Yea, Gage. If you did any work around here you'd smell like us too." Chet quipped.

"Yea, well you remember that the next time I come in smelling like blood, puke, piss and …"

"Cool it, fellas." Cap intervened. "We probably should leave the bay doors open and let this place air out a bit though."

"Sure, Cap." Mike said passing him headed to the latrine. They all needed a shower after that last run.

"Junior, we better go."

"Comin', Roy." Johnny jogged back to the passenger's side of the squad. "Oh….Hey, Cap?"

"What?" Hank's voice sounded from inside his office.

"Mrs. Stanley called and wants you to call her when you can. She said it wasn't urgent."

"Alright…..thanks, John."

E!

Joanne pulled the sedan onto the southbound lane of the 405. Her mother lived over an hour away and she needed the time to come up with an excuse for staying with her for a while. Everyone knew that her mother hated Roy and the last thing Joanne wanted was to add fuel to that fire. By the time she reached the halfway point Jennifer piped up from the back seat.

"Mom, I needed to use the restroom."

"Didn't you go before we left?" Chris chided.

"Yes, but now I've got to go again."

"Alright, honey. I'll stop at the next exit and we'll find a gas station, ok?

"Thanks, Mom." She said softly from the back seat.

Joanne merged right at the following exit and quickly found a gas station. "Chris do you need to go too?"

"No, Mom. I'll just stay here."

"Ok, do you want a snack or something?" She asked her son.

"Um, yea….I'll go pick something out ok?" He asked not wanting his mother to pick out his snacks when he was thirteen years old.

"Ok, just meet us at the cash register."

Joanne and Jennifer got the key from the station attendant and went around the side of the building to use the restroom. When they were through Joanne rounded the corner and walked back inside the station just behind her daughter. She nearly choked at the scene before her. There was Chris, standing at the register just like she'd asked him to but looking at his profile took her back to her seventh grade year. He looked exactly like Roy did at that age. She felt the now familiar burning in the backs of her eyes and sniffed quickly trying not to let her children see her becoming emotional. Chris turned quickly looking her way and she could see Roy's baby blue eyes looking back at her. She faked a quick yawn to cover up the fact that her eyes were watering and smiled at her son.

"Ready to check out?"

"Mom, what about me?"

"Ok, Jennifer….hurry up….grandma's waiting on us."

The remainder of the trip was spent listening to the kids crunching on chips and peanuts while Joanne drove the monotonous miles allowing her mind to stroll down memory lane.

E!

Kelly Brackett looked at the clock on the wall at the back of the training room. "Ok, gentleman...we've been talking for nearly two hours. Are there any more questions? I don't want anyone to leave here with unanswered questions; at least not if Joe or I have the information to answer them. There are still a lot of unknowns surrounding this disease."

"Yes, Johnny?" Joe said noticing that John had his hand raised.

"Um, I've heard that the bathhouses in San Francisco are being shut down. What about here?"

"Well, I know that Kel and I as well as several other area physicians are recommending it but I don't know what our city officials will do. But make no mistake….this disease is an equal opportunity disease. Unprotected sex…ANY unprotected sex can expose you to HIV."

"Joe's right…HIV/AIDS is now showing up in females as well as males. It's confirmed to be in blood, semen and vaginal fluid."

The two physicians heard various groaning sounds coming from around the room. They each looked at each other and then Kel spoke up. "And yes men…..protect yourselves with condoms….every time."

Johnny inhaled deeply thinking back over his sexual encounters and noticed that Roy sat staring at his hands on the table. _What the hell is he worried about? He's never been with any woman other than Joanne._

_E!_

Roy and Johnny made their way out to their squad, along with several other paramedic teams, with their arms full of supplies. They filled their compartments with their new personal protective equipment then each took his usual seat.

"Man, I can't believe this! " Johnny propped his elbow on the window ledge of the squad and looked out.

Roy cranked up the truck and eased out of the parking lot without saying a word.

"I mean, damn…I never thought it was something we'd have to worry about for ourselves ya know?"

Roy eased up to the stop sign then rolled on without coming to a complete stop.

"WHOA! Shit!" Johnny yelled as the blaring horn from a very skillful driver brought Roy out of his trance.

Johnny held his breath as his body was pitched forward then slammed back in his seat while a green Chevrolet veered into the inside lane to miss the nose of the squad. "What the fuck?" He wheezed trying desperately to regain his breath. He failed to swallow the lump in his throat; his mouth had gone completely dry.

Roy eased off the brake pedal and then slowly drove the squad into an old parking lot.

Johnny looked over at his partner and noticed that not only were his knuckles white from his death grip on the steering wheel but so were his face and lips. Perspiration beads were appearing on his forehead and upper lip. Johnny recognized the symptoms and quickly jumped out and ran around to assist Roy out of the driver's seat.

"Easy, Roy." He said through the open window. "Slow breaths, Pal. I'm openin' the door."

Roy continued to stare forward while allowing Johnny to assist him out of the squad. His breathing became more rapid until finally his stomach lurched. Johnny eased him to the ground on his knees as he continued to heave the remnants of his morning meal.

"I know, Roy. I know; I can't believe it either. That little boy we rescued …..I can't get his face out of my mind either. It's just so unfair…..you're tired, I get it. You'll feel better in a little while." Johnny kept talking trying to soothe Roy until the man finally sat back on his haunches; his stomach completely empty. "Ok, just take it easy. I'm gonna get you some water." He said leaving Roy on his knees wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Johnny opened the compartment where he stored his canteen and pulled it out. He grabbed a few 4 x 4's and wet them to wipe Roy's sweaty face with while the man rinsed out his mouth.

"Jo..John….I…I think…you need….to drive." He huffed out still breathing much too fast.

"Ok, man…no problem….let's get you back to the ER…."

"No…no…just…the station….please?" He looked up into Johnny's brown eyes and found a bit of sympathy there.

"Yea….ok…..if you're sure."

Roy nodded his head then allowed Johnny to assist him up and into the passenger's seat.

"Let me know if I need to pull over, a'right?"

Roy nodded then leaned his head back against the seat back and closed his eyes trying desperately to slow down his breathing.

Johnny didn't look at Roy as he drove along with his right wrist resting on the steering wheel and his left elbow propped on the window ledge. The wind was whipping through his dark tresses as he stared straight ahead. "Roy…..I know how you are when we have a run that involves kids but…..man, you can't let that run get to you like this."

Roy swallowed hard and then nodded in agreement without opening his eyes. _It isn't the boy, Junior. _He thought to himself. _It isn't the boy….._


	13. Chapter 13

Humanity Is Vulnerable-13e

Johnny carefully backed the squad into the apparatus bay then slipped the truck into park. He reached to turn off the ignition and glanced at his partner. Roy still had his head lying on the back of the seat with his eyes closed. His paleness made the dark circles much more prominent which made Johnny worry even more about his welfare.

"Hey….we're here."

"I know." Roy groaned then grunted with the effort it took to remove his body from the squad. "I need to lie down for a few minutes."

Johnny watched as he trudged toward the dorms.

"Something wrong, John?" Hank queried stepping into the open doorway of his office. He leaned against the doorframe with one elbow propped loosely on the frame and the other on his hip.

Johnny kept gazing after his friend until his form had retreated into the dorm. "I dunno, Cap. But I think Roy might need a replacement for the rest of the shift." He turned around to face his captain and Hank could see the worried expression that so rarely made its presence known on the face of his younger paramedic. "Uh….can I speak with you privately?"

"Of course…..come on in and close the door." Hank said standing up straighter and retreating inside his office.

E!

Roy's feet grew heavier and heavier as he made his way to his sleeping area. He pulled off his boots silently praying that they wouldn't get a run in the next few minutes. He sat on the edge of his bunk staring at the floor for a long moment as his mind raced back over the last few months. So much had changed in such a short period of time. Last summer he was a happily married man with two wonderful children, a career he loved, friends he adored, a nice home…the list went on and on.

_And now I've got a wife who barely speaks to me, kids who know something's wrong at home, a house that seems filled with misery and a job that has turned into a nightmare…and no one I can talk to about it…..not even Johnny._

He exhaled loudly then pulled his socked feet onto the twin bed and lay on his back with his fingers interlaced across his abdomen. _Hell, I feel like a corpse…..might as well look like one._

E!

"John, what's up?" Hank asked leaning back in his chair with one elbow propped on the armrest. He watched as his young paramedic seemed to struggle to find the right words.

Johnny ran his slim fingers through his dark mussed up hair. He stood with his back to his captain trying to find a way to explain why he'd driven the squad back and why Roy had suddenly headed off to the dorms.

"Cap," he said spinning around then leaning against a file cabinet. "I think Roy might need a replacement for the rest of the shift."

Hank drew his eyebrows together. "And I heard you say that in the bay but why are YOU telling me this instead of him?"

Johnny exhaled running his open palm down his face. He didn't want to tell Cap any more than he had to but Roy hadn't asked him to keep it quiet.

Hank saw the outward signs of the internal struggle Johnny was experiencing. "John, have a seat, Pal. Your pacing and fidgeting are making me nervous." He watched as Johnny complied with his request but couldn't help noticing that now the young man's left leg was bouncing uncontrollably. "If something is going on with Roy that's affecting his ability to perform his job then as your captain I need to know about it."

Johnny stared at his hands clasped tightly in his lap. His lips were pursed into a thin line as he tried to think of a way out of what he'd just gotten himself into. "If I tell you somethin' ….will you keep it between us?"

Hank stared at Johnny who still had his chin nearly resting on his chest. He leaned over with his elbows on his knees so he'd be a little closer to the younger man. "John, you know that I'll do my best to keep it confidential but I can't promise you that I'll be able to do that…not if it involves someone's health or safety."

Dark eyes finally slowly made their way up to look directly at Hank. He gulped trying to find enough saliva to swallow but his nervousness had left his mouth uncomfortably dry. "Cap…..Roy's really upset about that little boy we rescued from the house fire last shift."

"What? He was taken to Children's Hospital…..Roy said he was gonna be fine. What's happened?" Hank questioned.

Johnny licked his lips. "He has HIV." Johnny blew out his breath then leaned forward, elbows on his knees staring at the floor.

Hank leaned back in his seat again. "Ok, buddy….speak English."

"It's Human Immunodeficiency Virus….it's what causes AIDS."

"Again, Pal…speak English. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh yea…..sorry, Cap." Johnny's leg stopped bouncing momentarily. "The meeting we just came from at Rampart….Brackett was talking about GRID….you know…the gay cancer? Well, CDC is now calling it HIV and it's the virus that causes Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome or AIDS." Johnny sucked in a calming breath.

"Repeat that would ya, Pal?" Hank still didn't understand completely.

"Ok…..HIV is the virus that kills the immune system. Once the immune system is shot to hell, then the person has AIDS."

"And this…..AIDS….that's what's been killing gay men?"

Johnny thought a minute. "Well, not exactly. But when a person has AIDS they can't fight off other infections like pneumonia or cancer."

"Ohhhh, and it's the pneumonia…..or whatever…that actually kills them?" Hank asked just to make sure he was clear.

Johnny nodded affirmatively. "Yep."

"Ok, but what does this have to do with Peter? He's just a kid not a gay man…..unless some guy….."

"No, no, no….it isn't that…..it's that….well see….…it's not just gay men any more. Now it's showing up in straight guys, women and children. It's in semen, vaginal fluid AND in blood."

"Aahh, ….. damnit." Cap exhaled. "Peter has hemophilia right?"

"Exactly."

"But Johnny, you and Roy have lost patients before…. even children…. and while it's tough, really tough, Roy has always handled it as well as could be expected. Why is this one different? And the kid didn't die?" Hank was assuming there was more that Johnny wasn't telling him and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

"Well, he isn't dead yet….but this thing will kill him …eventually. But Cap…" Johnny closed his eyes and hung his head again. "There's more."

"I figured as much….go on." Hank encouraged.

This time, Johnny couldn't look his superior in the face. This time he felt like he was betraying a confidence from his best friend. "Cap, Roy and Joanne are having some marital problems….and it must be really bad because he's lost weight and he isn't sleeping…and I'm pretty sure he isn't holding down all his food either….well, I know he isn't." Johnny mumbled the last few words.

Hank cocked his head to the side. "And how do you know this?"

"He told me they weren't gettin' along well…and..uh…."

"Johnny, this is really important. I know you feel like you're telling me something you shouldn't but if it affects his job then I need to know, Pal. You aren't doing him any favors by keeping this information to yourself and allowing him to hurt someone."

Johnny felt his eyes begin to burn and closed them tightly. "A'right…..we nearly got t-boned on our way back here just a few minutes ago." There…. he'd said it.

"What?" Hank asked in astonishment. He knew that Roy had a perfect driving record but the way Johnny said it he also knew that it wasn't the other driver who was at fault.

"He was so….I dunno…..distant when we were leaving Rampart that he rolled through the stop sign. The other driver…..and he was one helluva driver too…laid down on the horn and somehow swerved and missed us. Roy pulled over in a parking lot and puked up his toenails for a while then asked me to drive back here. He's really pale and he's got dark circles under his eyes and petechiae."

Hank grimaced as his mind replayed images of his paramedics nearly getting killed because of Roy's mistake. "Uh….John…what's pe…pete…"

"It's those tiny dots around his eyes…they look like bruises….well, they are bruises but you get 'em from strainin' and breakin' the capillaries. It's what can happen when someone strains pullin' or pushin' something…or strainin' from vomiting a lot."

"This is really serious, John."

"I know…..you can't keep it to yourself can you?" Johnny already knew the answer.

"No….no I can't….but you've done the right thing here. You might have even saved someone's life…an innocent driver….yours…..and even his."

Johnny felt his shoulder's slumping. "I know….but he sure as hell won't think so."

"Give him time…he'll realize it." Hank placed a reassuring hand on John's shoulder and squeezed lightly. "You might want to…uh….not go in the dorm for a little while though."

Johnny shook his head in agreement as the two of them stood.

"And how about keep the others out of there too. Tell them I'm talking to Roy in private."

"Ok, Cap…and, uh….thanks." Johnny said offering the older man his hand in a firm handshake.

"You're welcome….and thank you, John. This wasn't easy for you, I know. But, it shows a hell of a lot of maturity on your part." He said with a somewhat sad smile. "I'm going to stand us down for an hour. That'll give me time to talk to Roy and call in a replacement. How long will it take you to explain the rest of what Brackett had to say?"

"Um, maybe thirty minutes."

"Ok, I'll stand us down an hour and a half then…I might be in the dorm a while."

"Yes, sir."

E!

Joanne pulled the sedan into the circular driveway of the house she grew up in.

"Can I go swing, Mom?" Jennifer asked from the back seat.

"Take your luggage in first and then you can go swing." Joanne's mind went reeling back to her eighth birthday. Her father had built her the large swing and hung it securely from the heaviest limb he could find in the back yard. The old oak tree had provided hours of swinging fun and cool shade for her during her growing up years and she always enjoyed watching the kids swinging in it when they were here.

The three of them made their way up the sidewalk and onto the porch. The heavy wooden door with the stained glass window pulled open to reveal a petite gray haired woman with a delightful smile. Her short hair was neatly combed and styled. Her make-up was picture perfect and her accessories of a colorful scarf and button earrings made her look much younger than her years. And today, with Joanne's tired eyes, miniscule amounts of make-up and hair pulled back in a large barrette, they looked more like sisters than mother and daughter.

"Hello, Dear." Louise Mathis crooned and reached out to hug her daughter. Joanne had already told her that she wanted to stay a while so she knew something was amiss between her daughter and son-in-law. She held onto Joanne just a moment longer than normal then pulled back and reached for her two grandchildren.

"Jennifer, you look so much like your mother did at your age." She said stroking her granddaughter's silky blonde hair. "And Chris…..my my you have grown up so much since I saw you last. And you have your father's beautiful blue eyes." She caressed his cheek just briefly not wanting to embarrass the young man at his age.

Chris cast a mournful glance at his mother then pushed on into the house carrying his duffle bag on his shoulder and a smaller suitcase in his hand. He knew he looked like his dad and right now he knew his mother didn't love his dad which meant she probably didn't love him much either since he reminded her of him.

Jennifer hurriedly took her small suite case into the guest room where she normally slept. The room had been her aunt's room as a little girl and she enjoyed looking at the pictures and old dolls that still decorated the mint green room. She hoisted her suitcase onto the bed and then rushed back down the hallway. "Mom said I could go swing, Grandma." The child yelled out as she rushed toward the back door. Within a couple of minutes she was pumping her little legs and arms leaning forwards and backwards as she made the swing go higher and higher.

Joanne plopped her suitcase down on her bed in her old room. Nothing had changed since the day she had moved out; the day she had married Roy. She slowly spun around drinking in all the sights and smells of her childhood….and she could no longer hold back the tears that suddenly flooded her cheeks in a deluge of saltiness. Staring at the memories this room held – Prom pictures, stuffed animals won at fairs, her high school diploma – all made her realize that there had only been a few years of her entire life without Roy. They were just small children when they met in elementary school and until this moment, she'd never really thought about how much a part of her life he had been. She made her way slowly over to the window that overlooked the backyard. She watched Jennifer's long hair flying behind her as she leaned back in the swing. Then she saw Chris standing behind her; pushing her and being the ever protective older brother. She wrapped her arms around her mid-section as the images looked so much like she and Roy had looked years ago…..back when they were happy just spending time together. Her heart ached at the sight…both for what had been…..and for what might never be again.

"She looks just like you, honey."

Joanne quickly wiped her cheeks and sniffed. She hadn't heard her mother enter her room and now she was ashamed to be seen crying for the husband she knew her mother hated.

"Yes….yes she does doesn't she?" Joanne managed to squeak out around the lump in her throat.

"And Chris…..my what a handsome young man he's becoming. He's just like his father isn't he?"

"Mom, please don't." She whispered hanging her head down resting her clenched fist beneath her chin; squeezing her eyes closed forcing out the remaining moisture.

The older woman remained behind her daughter gently rubbing Joanne's upper arms with her soft hands. "Don't do what?"

Joanne felt like a little girl again inside this room and she really wanted to sink back into her mother's embrace and be told that everything was going to be alright. But she was no longer a little girl and her mother no longer had the power to make everything alright in her world. "Mom….. just please….. don't compare Chris….. to Roy. You hate… Roy and I don't want you…. to hate Chris too." She whispered between sobs no longer able to control her emotions.

"Joanne…it's time you and I had a heart to heart talk." The older woman gently grasped her crying daughter's arms and led her over to her childhood bed, never taking her arms off of Joanne as the two of them sat down side by side.

E!

"Hungry, Gage? There's still plenty of sandwich fixings in the fridge and the soup is still warm." Marco had noticed how dejected Johnny was when he walked into the kitchen and he hoped a warm meal might help.

"Thanks, Marco…..I think I'll just have a sandwich and some milk."

"You think Roy will want any soup or should I put it in the refrigerator?" The older man asked.

"Um…..better just put it in the fridge. I doubt he's gonna want anything to eat after Cap gets done talkin' to him."

"Whoa! DeSoto's in trouble? What'd he do?"

"Chester B., why can't you keep your mouth shut for once and stay out of other people's business!" Johnny slammed a piece of cheese onto the large stack of sandwich meat then slathered another piece of bread with plenty of mayonnaise before crushing it on top and gulping a huge bite.

"Damn, Gage….sorry, man. It's just that Roy never gets in trouble and…"

"And he still isn't, a'right? He isn't feeling well and Cap's checkin' on him. And Cap wanted to do it privately and said for me to tell you guys not to disturb them." He said chewing a mouthful of sandwich then swallowed.

"Well, if he isn't feeling well shouldn't you be checkin' on him instead of Cap? I mean, you're the para…"

"Drop it, Kelly." Mike warned pinning the young lineman to his seat with his icy blue stare.

Johnny offered up a weak smile to his engineer and Mike understood he appreciated his help in silencing the annoying younger man.

E!

Hank inhaled and blew out a cleansing breath as he stood before the door to the dorm room. He had no idea what might await him inside but he knew it was his job to find out and make some difficult decisions. Finally, he used only his fingers to push the door open and quietly walked towards the back of the room.

"Roy, are you asleep?" He said in a deep subdued voice.

"Uh…no, Cap…..just resting a minute." Roy said without moving.

"Good, because you and I need to talk."


	14. Chapter 14

Warning: Strong language

Humanity Is Vulnerable-14e

Roy sat up swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and began to put his boots back on.

Hank hesitated for a moment thinking Roy would ask him what he wanted to discuss. He watched as Roy silently laced up his boots but never questioned his captain.

"Roy, is there something going on I need to know about?"

Roy's hands finished their task of tying his laces but his eyes never looked up. Instead he lingered with his elbows on his knees. "Uh….don't think so. Why?"

Hank licked his lips. "Because you don't look so good…..and it isn't like you to lie down in the middle of the day unless you've had a bad run."

"Just a little tired is all." Roy shrugged his shoulders but Hank noticed he never made eye contact.

Hank saw his opportunity and chose to dive in. "Too tired to drive the squad?"

Roy felt a sense of dread creeping up his spine. He finally found the courage to look his captain in the eye. "What'd Gage tell you?"

Hank didn't like looking down at his men unless he needed to exert his authority. This was not one of those times so he chose to sit on Johnny's bunk so he would be on the same level as his paramedic. He hoped that position would foster a feeling of equality and openness. "Yes, I did talk to John. But I'd rather hear what you have to say."

Roy inhaled a shaky breath and exhaled audibly. Frustration swirled with anger inside his gut making him feel queasy again. He pressed his lips together while he tried to think of something to say.

Hank watched Roy's jaw muscles flexing repeatedly and knew the man was on the brink of discussing the subject at hand; whether he would talk openly with his captain or whether he'd fire a barrage of angry bullets at him remained to be seen. He decided to let the silence work its magic with his paramedic.

Roy grew increasingly uncomfortable with the quiescence knowing that Cap was waiting on him to break it. His nostrils flared briefly. "Ok…I haven't been feeling well lately."

"Well, have you been checked out by a doctor?"

Roy only shook his head. "No need, Cap." His shoulders became more rounded. "It's just stress."

"Stress can kill you, Roy. You know that as well as I do." Hank watched as Roy only nodded his agreement.

"You look like you've lost weight."

"I have a little."

Hank began to feel exasperated. Getting Roy to talk was like mowing the lawn with a pair of scissors so he decided to just lay it all out. "Is it that kid, Peter?"

Roy froze. Now he knew that Johnny had told their captain what had happened earlier. Johnny thought that Peter having HIV was what had Roy so upset and Roy had never told him any differently. That meant that Johnny had told Cap. But had he also told him about Roy's near miss pulling into traffic from Rampart?

"I know that when kids are involved it's tough; especially for us as fathers." Hank hoped he could make a connection with Roy. "This isn't like you, Pal. You aren't normally this shaken up by a patient….and it's certainly never impacted your ability to focus before."

Hank watched as Roy gripped the side of his bed. He noted how rapidly he was breathing now and Hank knew he'd hit a raw nerve.

"What exactly did that bastard Gage tell you?" Roy seethed; his blood shot eyes burning as he stared down his superior.

"Calm down, Roy. My conversation with John is between the two of us…just like this conversation."

Roy stood up and began to pace and tremble. He wanted to be anywhere but in this room with this man at this moment. He wanted to kick something, throw something and punch something…or someone…..all at the same time. "That sonofabitch." Roy muttered running his hands through his hair.

"Roy…..have a seat."

"How could he do this to me? I have one lousy bad day and he runs to you to tattletale on me like some little snot-nosed schoolboy."

Hank knew he had to stop what was happening. He stood up to his full height of six feet four inches and stared down at the slightly shorter man. "Stand down, Roy…..that's an order!"

Roy gulped; he hadn't been spoken to like that since he'd left the service over a decade earlier. His weak knees nearly gave way as he stepped back closer to his bed and sat back down. "Yes, sir." He reached up and wiped his sweaty brow.

"Johnny and I did discuss you…..your health. He's deeply concerned for you as am I. Just so you know….I'm the one who initiated the conversation by asking John what was wrong with you because I happened to see him backing the squad in earlier. He did NOT run to me as a 'tattletale' as you say. And I'll even say this much…..the man was not at all comfortable discussing you with me. "

_Then he should've kept his damn mouth shut! _Roy thought to himself. He figured he was already in enough trouble so he didn't dare verbalize his thoughts to his captain.

Now, I'll ask you again….what's going on? I'd like to help you but I can't if you won't trust me."

Roy looked up into the eyes of the man he respected like a father. "With all due respect, Captain Stanley…..you can't help me."

Hank looked his man up and down noting the changes in his appearance over recent weeks. "I see….…then I have no choice but to dismiss you and call in a replacement until next shift." He watched as Roy gritted his teeth together and began working his jaw muscles. "Now, take the next few days to get yourself together…..see a doctor if you need to….I can refer you to the department psychologist if you'd like…..then come back here next shift….or whenever….. ready to work. We need you at your best…and right now….you are not at your best."

Roy stiffened his back but dared not look at Hank. _He thinks I'm a fucking wack job! Goddamn you,_ _John Gage!_

"Any questions?"

"No….sir." He said somewhat sarcastically.

"Very well…..dismissed." Hank waited while the younger man got up and made his way toward the locker room to change. Roy got halfway across the dorm room when Hank called out to him. "Roy…." The younger man paused but didn't turn around. "I'm always available to you….any time day or night on duty or off." He saw Roy drop his head down looking deflated. He hoped the auburn haired man was about to speak but instead he watched Roy slowly continue on his way inside the locker room. He really wanted to help the man but obviously Roy didn't feel like he needed any help. Once Roy left the room, Hank stood up and made his way to his office. He needed to contact headquarters to call in a replacement paramedic.

E!

"Jo-baby," Louise began. "What's happened between you and Roy?"

Joanne couldn't fight her emotions any more. "Mom, I….I wish I knew." She sniffed and Louise reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand.

"Here."

"Thanks." Joanne whispered taking the proffered box and pulling out a couple of the white squares. She wiped her eyes and nose then inhaled a deep ragged breath. "Mom, he….he doesn't love me anymore."

"Oh, baby….come here." Louise pulled her daughter into a sideways hug and allowed Joanne to lay her head on her shoulder as though she were a small child. "What makes you say that?"

"I don't know." Joanne lied. She couldn't tell her mother about his supposed infidelity. "I just don't feel it."

"Joanne, look at me?" Louise pulled back slightly pulling her daughter's chin up so that she could see into her pretty eyes; eyes that were now glowing green amid the red background they were swimming in. "Has he told you he doesn't love you?"

"No….not in so many words." Joanne leaned back against her mother's shoulder. "But, he doesn't act like it."

"And how is he acting differently?"

"I don't know, Mom…..he just is." She pulled out another handful of tissue and blew her nose.

Louise was not a woman who tolerated having her questions avoided. She wanted to get to the bottom of this and she needed answers now. She decided to switch tactics.

"Ok…is it money, the kids, or sex?"

"MOTHER!" Joanne cried cringing inwardly.

"Well, I know he doesn't make much money and he thinks I hold that against him….which I don't. He's in an honorable profession and he saves lives….alot of lives. I wish he were able to provide a better living for his family but that's just not in the cards for a firefighter. As for the kids….let's see, Chris is a teenager now so I know that can cause a lot of marital strife. He wants to discipline Chris one way and perhaps you another. That happens in pretty much every household with children eventually so that might be it…but…." She again, turned her daughter's face upwards. "You said he didn't love you any more…..or that you didn't feel like he loved you anymore. That means it involves sex….am I right?"

"MOM! I am NOT having this conversation with you!" Joanne stood up then and walked back over to the window. She looked out and saw her children lost in a conversation of their own. Jennifer still sat in the swing barely moving with her face cocked sideways looking over at Chris. Chris was leaning against the tree trunk sitting on one of the unearthed roots at its base. He was shaking his head in agreement with whatever his younger sister had just said. _Roy and I used to talk so easily. Why can't we talk now?_

Louise remained seated on Joanne's bed. "Honey…you act like your father and I never enjoyed a little hanky panky…..how do you think you and your sister got here?"

Joanne tried to clear her head of unbidden images of her parents engaging in romantic interludes.

"You and Roy have two beautiful children and I know you didn't find them under a cabbage leaf..….I read somewhere once that each generation thinks they invented the pleasures of sex…it's been around for a very long time, sweetheart. And so have the problems that can go along with it. Now, sit down here and let's talk about them…..woman to woman…..not mother to daughter….ok?"

E!

Roy changed into his civvies and then crammed his uniform into his duffle bag. _Gage better stay the hell away from me. _He thought as he shoved his work boots into his duffle bag a little harder than necessary.

He pulled the strap over his shoulder and shoved the locker room door open with enough force that it slammed into the brick wall of the apparatus bay.

Johnny had just walked outside to take out the garbage when the slamming noise made him look up. Angry blue eyes locked with worried brown ones as Roy once again worked his jaw muscles and clenched his fist.

Johnny wanted to say something but he had no idea what to say. He stood near the garbage cans behind the station as Roy made his way to his car which unfortunately was parked opposite the hose tower in the back lot. To get to his car he had to walk directly past the spot where his partner was standing. He felt his blood boil as he got closer to Johnny.

Johnny instinctively backed up against the wall as his best friend charged past. "Roy….I…"

Roy wanted to ignore Johnny but he just couldn't. Once he got to the spot where they were side by side he spoke through gritted teeth. "How many times, Junior?" Roy turned slightly, squaring up his shoulders with his partner. "How many times have I covered for you when you were off flirting with some new nurse at Rampart….doing your best to get in her panties …and when I have a problem you can't wait to run tell Cap. Well… let me tell you something you cocky little asshole. I'm through with you! I'm getting a new partner. Hell, I'll transfer out of this hellhole if I have to just to keep from working with you, you mother fuckin' sonofabitch!" Roy growled as he pointed his index finger at a startled John Gage. "I regret every time I ever pulled your sorry useless ass out of a fire….you miserable …..and…" Roy was seething and could feel the rivulets of sweat pouring down his temples. "Fuck you!" He mumbled turning to finish his trek to his car.

A stunned…and very dejected John Gage…..stood against the brick wall of the station; the lid to the garbage can still in his right hand. He fought to catch his breath and calm himself down before he replaced the lid and made his way into the latrine. He needed to splash some cold water on his face before he could face the rest of his crew.

E!

"Here you go, sweetheart." Louise Mathis handed her daughter a steaming cup of chamomile tea with honey. "This will help you relax so we can talk."

"I don't need to relax, Mom."

"Oh yes …..you do." Louise sipped her own cup while she waited for Joanne to do the same.

"What if the kids come looking for me?"

"They won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because, Grandma Lou got out the cookies, chips and soda and asked them to watch television for a while." Louise grinned with a glint of mischief in her eyes. "It won't hurt them to eat junk food for one afternoon; especially if it gives us some uninterrupted time."

Joanne shook her head in exasperation taking another sip of her tea then setting the saucer down on her nightstand. She blew her nose again then released a slight chuckle. "Guess you do know about sex and raising kids, huh?"

"That's right….." Louise hesitated before she continued. "And, believe it or not I know a thing or two about marital conflict."

Joanne gulped then slowly looked up at her mother. "What? You and Dad had problems?" Joanne watched stunned as her mother took another sip and nodded. "I….I never knew."

"We didn't want you to know. It was important that you girls felt safe and secure in your home…so we kept our issues between us…and we worked them out too."

"I don't know if Roy and I can, Mom. He….." She sniffed again shaking her head negatively as she lowered her chin; tears splashed onto her hands.

"Oh for God's sake, Joanne." Louise knew what she had to do and truthfully she was going to be just as embarrassed as Joanne was but she had to get the young woman talking. "Just say it. Is he having problems getting an erection? Is he climaxing too soon for you?"

Joanne's heart leaped into her throat and she thought for a moment that she would faint. Her mother was asking questions about what she and Roy did in the privacy of their bedroom. "Uh….he…well he…."

Louise heard her daughter's stuttering and so she pressed forward knowing that she was heading in the right direction or else Joanne would have stopped her. "Ohhh, I think I see…do you feel like you aren't as attractive to him since the kids came along? Perhaps things don't feel quite the same as they once did?"

"No! I mean…..I don't know…to me they do but…" She hesitated.

"But what?"

Joanne jumped to her feet; her discomfort with the conversation evident. "I…I think….." She sniffed again. "He's having an affaaiirr." She cried drawing out her last word as she began to wail.

Louise held her daughter while she wept; gently pulling her trembling body back down onto the bed. She felt Joanne's thin frame shaking beneath her embrace. She held her until she began to settle down constantly soothing her with her gentle caresses along her arms and back. Finally, when Joanne had cried herself out Louise pulled back slightly and looked into her daughter's red and swollen face.

"Have you caught him with another woman?"

Joanne couldn't find her voice. She only nodded.

"Then what makes you think he's cheating on you, Baby?"

Joanne's breath hitched as she tried to speak. "I….I found his….his shirt…lip….had lipstick on it." She hiccupped as she tried, albeit incoherently, to explain the situation to her mother.

Louise gulped as her stomach clinched. "Joanne…..where was it?"

Joanne leaned her head back down onto the firm shoulder of her mother. "In…the clo…..clothes hamper."

"Ssshhhh…I meant where was the lipstick?"

"Left…shoulder." Joanne continued to sniffle.

"Ok….where had he been?" Louise continued slowly soothing Joanne with her gentle touches along her upper arm as they sat side by side on her childhood bed.

"Bar…."

"Why was he at a bar? Hasn't he always spent time with the three of you when he was off duty?"

Joanne inhaled deeply trying to calm herself down enough to speak. "We…uh…had a disagreement."

Joanne picked her head up reaching for another handful of tissue. "He…ah…we were watching the news when this gay disease was being announced and….Chris….he made a comment about not caring if a bunch of queers died."

Louise huffed; she was beginning to understand Roy's frustration with his son. "Ok….and what exactly did Roy say?"

"That he….ah…he better not hear Chris say that again." Joanne felt herself crumble at her own words. Somehow what Roy had said didn't seem so bad anymore.

"And that caused your disagreement?"

"He…ah…he said 'damn it'." Joanne squeaked out. "He felt like…um….like Chris was devaluing human life."

"And I have to agree, sweetheart." Louise thought for a moment. "But how did he end up in a bar? Did the two of you have a fight about him swearing in front of the children or was it how he wanted to punish Chris? I'm still confused."

Joanne felt a sense of shame cloaking her. "Yes….I got mad at him for swearing in front of the kids and….I sent the kids to their rooms so he and I could talk but…he left." She took another sip of her tea. "He came home late smelling like cigarettes. The next day when I pulled his clothes out of the hamper to wash them….I…I saw the lipstick on his shirt."

"And how did he explain it?"

Joanne felt her eyes burn again. She could only shake her head negatively.

"Oh, sweetheart." Louise reached out to her again. "You haven't asked him have you?"

Joanne didn't answer her mother's question; she didn't have to.

Several minutes passed with neither woman saying a word. Finally, Louise once again pulled back from Joanne and looked her directly in the eye. "Honey…..when was the last time you and Roy actually talked?"

Joanne shrugged her shoulders like a young teenage girl who didn't want to answer a question.

"Ok…..when was the last time you told him you loved him?"

Joanne didn't know she had any more tears left and yet they once again began to pour. "Oh, Mom…..I don't even remember."

Louise closed her eyes and allowed her own tears to fall. "And, when was the last time he told you he loved you?"

Joanne pressed a tight fist to her mouth. "This…..this morning….he sent me roses and…and it was on the card."

Louise watched as Joanne's shaky hand reached inside her purse on the nightstand. She withdrew the small card that had been sent with the roses. Louise reached out her hand as Joanne offered her the card to read. She carefully opened it with her free hand and read the words written on it. It did not escape her that Roy had asked Joanne about talking when he got off shift in the morning. And yet she'd run away instead.

Again, Louise looked her daughter in the eye. "Joanne…you do still love him, dear." She then pulled her close into another hug. "Honey, only people we truly love can hurt us the way you are hurting right now. If you didn't love him then what's going on between you might make you angry…..but it wouldn't hurt. Now, my guess is…..since Roy sent you roses this morning and said he loved you on the card…..then he's feeling hurt too."

"Why should he be hurt? He cheated on me!"

"You don't know that for sure. I agree that it looks suspicious but…Jo-Baby….he didn't try to hide the shirt. What if some inebriated woman stumbled and he caught her to keep her from getting injured?"

Joanne set her lukewarm tea on the nightstand and pulled out a handful of tissues. "I….I never thought of that…" She blew her nose as she continued to sniff. "Oh Mom….what have I done?"

Louise leaned in and lightly kissed her daughter on the forehead. "You've been hurt…..and you've done some hurting…you're human….and so's your husband. Now….the question is….what are you going to do about it?"

E!

Roy turned into his driveway stopping with a screech of his tires. He jerked up the emergency brake and then grabbed his duffle bag as he hurriedly exited his car slamming his door. He wasn't surprised to see the garage empty knowing that Joanne had taken the kids to her mother's for the week. Truthfully, he was glad she wasn't back yet. At least he'd have a little while to himself to figure out what he was going to tell her about why he was home in the middle of his shift.

He fumbled with his keys until he managed to get the front door unlocked then pushed open the door. He yanked his key out of the lock with a slight twist causing the deadbolt to push out slightly. It banged on the doorframe as he took out some of his anger by slamming yet another door but the deadbolt left it slightly ajar.

He dropped his duffle bag just inside the doorway and made his way into the kitchen where he was stunned to see the roses he'd ordered sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. _She did get 'em before she left…why didn't she call? _He pulled open the refrigerator and snagged a cold bottle of beer. He didn't normally drink this early in the day but then again, he didn't normally get sent home because of his partner's big mouth either. _You're gonna pay for this, Gage! _He thought as he twisted off the cap and turned up the bottle. He ran the cold bottle across his sweat covered forehead releasing an obnoxious belch. He continued guzzling the cold brew while he stewed over the events of the morning. A few moments later, set the nearly empty bottle down on the kitchen counter then decided he needed a shower to help him cool off.

He made his way up the stairs and pushed open the door to their bedroom. He reached into his chest of drawers for a fresh t-shirt and boxers. Turning to head into the master bath he noticed a piece of paper lying in the middle of their neatly made-up bed. "What the hell?" He mumbled reaching for the note.

His blue eyes darted across the page as he processed the words in the familiar cursive handwriting of his wife. Roy's hands trembled as the room began to sway and spin. His mouth went dry and his knees buckled causing him to drop the note. He tried to sit on the edge of the bed but missed and ended up pooled in a heap on the floor beside their bed; one hand clutched his chest and the other ran through his hair while he began to gasp for air while the impact of what he'd just read took root deep inside his broken heart. His family, his entire world, was gone.


	15. Chapter 15

Warning: Strong language

Humanity Is Vulnerable – 15e

"Hi there." Dixie said softly, looking up from the chart she was reviewing at the nurse's station in the emergency room at Rampart.

"Hey, Dix."

"Why the long face, Tiger?" She asked closing the metal chart with a clanking sound.

Johnny seriously considered being honest with his friend but then thought better of it. "Did ya see who I got saddled with when Roy went home sick?" He jerked his thumb behind him toward the treatment rooms.

"Oohhh, yea. I did see him come in a few minutes ago with the motorcycle accident victim." Dixie cast him an exaggerated grimace. "So, Roy's sick huh?"

"Yea…..he..ah…he got sick after we left here this morning. We had to pull over and….uh….well I'll spare you the gory details but….he went home a little while ago." Johnny didn't lie to Dixie but he really didn't tell the entire truth either. He knew that Roy wasn't feeling well but he didn't know why. He knew that Roy and Joanne were having some marital difficulties but he also knew that whatever was bothering Roy involved something deeper than a simple tiff between spouses; he sensed that his best friend was in deep trouble.

Dixie craned her neck to the side slightly and then batted her long lashes back up at Johnny. "Here he comes."

"Hello, Gage. Have you procured adequate supplies to replenish our depleted stock?"

Johnny rolled his eyes at Dixie and then turned around in time to see Craig Brice push his black rimmed glasses back up onto his nose. "Not yet…..just got here."

"I see."

"What do ya need, fellas?" Dixie decided to rescue her young friend.

"Well, Ms. McCall…..we used quite a bit of our personal protective equipment as there was a lot of blood at the scene…..and we'll need two bags of LR along with…

Johnny let his mind wander as Craig continued giving Dixie his list of supplies they needed. He thought briefly about how much time he'd spent pulling on the latex gloves. He knew it was necessary but he hated to take the time to do it. He was so accustomed to being the first to jump in and go after a victim; he knew that it was going to take some time to get used to gloving up every time.

A swishing noise brought his attention back to the present. He looked to his right and felt one eyebrow arch unconsciously. Someone covered from head to toe in yellow plastic including a clear face shield, gloves and boots, was walking out of a treatment room at the opposite end of the hall. The person began to remove the unusual garb and Johnny realized that who he was seeing was actually Dr. Brackett. His curiosity got the better of him and he walked over.

"Hey, Doc…what the hell?" He stood at arm's length as he took in the sight before him. His eyes made their way down Kel's body to the floor and then back up again.

"Damn, Johnny…I didn't know I was your type?" Kel kidded.

"Huh? Oh…no, no….what…what's this for?"

"Well, this is for when we have a known AIDS patient. Personally, I think it's overkill unless there's a lot of blood or other body fluids present but…" Kel looked around him to make sure no one else was within earshot. "Not everyone agrees with me…if you know what I mean."

Johnny nodded even though he still looked stunned.

"Don't get me wrong, John. I think we need a face shield and we need to cover whatever exposed body parts we have but I have to admit…treating a patient is going to be cumbersome in this get-up."

Johnny glanced toward the room Dr. Brackett had just exited.

"No….just practicing," Kel said in response to Johnny's nonverbal question.

"Gage, we need to make ourselves available." Brice called from the nurse's station.

Dr. Brackett snickered crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Guess it's time for you to relieve Dixie."

"Yea…..I guess." Johnny spun on his heels and keyed the mic on the HT. "Squad 51 available."

"10-4, 51." Responded the dispatcher.

Kel watched as the two dark haired paramedics walked down the corridor and made the left turn to the parking lot. He and Dixie then locked eyes as he walked up to the nurse's station. "Where's Roy?"

"Seems he got sick after your class this morning and had to go home."

"Geez….hope it wasn't something I said," Kel said with a grin.

Dixie shook her head with a slight chuckle. "Surely you wouldn't have that kind of effect on him, Kel. How about some coffee?"

"Fresh?"

"You bet." She said pushing herself off the stool and pocketing her hands. Kel held open the door for her to the staff lounge then followed her in for a much needed break.

E!

Roy sat on the floor in a puddled heap in his bedroom; the bedroom he'd once shared with his wife but now feared that was no longer the case. His eyes and cheeks were burning as he continued to wipe his face and nose with his shirt sleeve. The paper he held in his hand was slightly damp; his sweat and tears had mingled together to coat it as he repeatedly crumbled it then opened it up again hoping that the words therein might have somehow morphed into words of affection. Each time he was disappointed when the harshness of Joanne's words took another bite out of his already tender heart.

The shadows began to grow longer along the skirting of the bed where he sat. He had never felt so alone in his entire life; he had even felt less lonely during his tour in Vietnam. Back then he had known that as soon as he returned home Joanne would be there waiting on him. Now, not only was she gone, possibly never to return, but she'd taken with her the two most precious beings on earth – Chris and Jennifer. Back in Vietnam, had he been one of the many men who'd received a 'Dear John' letter he would have had his buddies to turn to for support. Now, he had no one; not even his best friend. Back in Vietnam there was always a job to do and once it was completed he was able to return to his home and family. Now, he had been sent home from his job and told not to return until he was better; how could he be better when his family was no longer there? Back in Vietnam, he'd served as a medic and had managed to avoid injury and returned home completely healthy. Now, he was convinced that his health was waning; one look in the mirror was all it took to confirm it.

His swollen eyes produced a blurred vision of both his present and his future. He tried to think through the fog that had somehow overtaken his brain but his thoughts seemed to only be shattered fragments bouncing around inside his head. He even briefly tried praying but his prayers simply bounced off the ceiling and fell back into his lap unanswered. Roy had never been one to drink heavily but right now all he could think about was numbing the pain. He pulled himself up and looked inside his closet. There, in a small brown paper sack, he kept a bottle of crown royal. He'd won it in a round of Dirty Santa at last year's Christmas party for 'A' shift. He slowly pulled the bottle out and realized that the seal had never been broken. _Cheers…you worthless loser! _He thought to himself as he twisted off the cap and turned the bottle up to his lips.

Two gulps later he lost his breath as the molten amber liquid torched his mouth and throat. The burn continued to his stomach and wincing he raised up the back of his hand to wipe his mouth. He sat down on the edge of the bed and continued to drink straight from the bottle as he berated himself for one failure after another – more perceived failures than actual. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror over Joanne's dresser. The man who looked back at him appeared much older than his thirty-six years. The stranger's eyes were red swollen and now had dark bags hanging underneath. His hair was mussed up looking more like Johnny's than his own. His skin appeared pale and thin and his face bore witness to the loss of more than a few pounds. He thought he looked more like a demonized caricature of himself than his true self. _No wonder she left me and took the kids. I don't even know who I am anymore so how could they?_

By the time the bottle was a third empty he'd reviewed every reason imaginable why his family should come back home and why they shouldn't. Unfortunately, in his depressed and alcohol-induced self-loathing the list for them to stay away was much longer. He felt he no longer had anything left to offer them. As the last rays of the fading sun shone through the window of the bedroom his mind took him to the darkest places he'd ever been emotionally. He chuckled inappropriately to himself as he held the remnants of the liquor bottle. He was suddenly catapulted back to his childhood when he would explore and climb in his grandfather's old barn in Wisconsin. He remembered finding some old medicine bottles stacked up on a shelf inside the rickety old barn and was amazed at the number of dead bugs inside the bottles. Somehow, they'd managed to get themselves inside the glass containers but they couldn't get back out. They could see the entire world continuing on just like it always had but they were no longer a part of it and eventually they died. _Is that all I am now? Just some fucking dead bug?_

E!

"Joanne, dinner's ready….Jo-Baby?"

"Ummm, oh…I didn't mean to fall asleep, Mom." Joanne pushed herself up from her bed and pulled the afghan off her legs. She assumed her mother had covered her up when she'd fallen asleep.

"It's alright, dear. I could tell you haven't been sleeping well so I just let you sleep."

Joanne yawned then jerked her head up quickly opening her mouth. "The.."

"The kids are fine. I told them you were tired and needed a nap. They're a little hungry though so why don't you come on down and eat."

Joanne tried to smooth her hair down and rub the sleep from her eyes. "I'm really not very hungry. I think I need to go on back home and….."

"Joanne, you said yourself that Roy was on shift and besides it's getting late. Just stay here and get a good night's sleep then head out first thing in the morning….maybe your head will be more clear if you aren't so tired."

Joanne knew her mother was right but she also knew that she had to retrieve her note before Roy found it. She had been wrong to write those things on that note and now all she wanted to do was take them back. Of course, it wouldn't do any good if she fell asleep on her way back to Los Angeles in the dark and was in an accident. The last thing she wanted was to upset Roy any more than she already had.

"I guess you're right, Mom." She attempted a smile as she stood up from the bed.

Louise walked over to her daughter and held her in another long warm embrace. "For what it's worth, dear, I think you're doing the right thing. " She pulled back holding Joanne's upper arms with her hands as she looked her deep in her eyes. "He thinks I hate him and so do you…but Jo-baby, I promise I don't. You and Roy get what's wrong between you right and then he and I will have a long talk. He is my son-in-law, the husband of my daughter and the father of my grandchildren…and I DO love him."

"Oh Mom!" Joanne broke down crying again and fell into her mother's arms. She'd longed to hear those words for so many years; she just hated it had taken such a disaster as this for her mother to say them. Now, she just hoped Roy would accept the love her mother was ready to give.

E!

Johnny lay awake in his bunk wishing for the tones to sound. He didn't want anyone to be sick or injured and he didn't want there to be any damage to property but he hated lying awake in his bunk not knowing what was going on with Roy. His friend had said some harsh things to him when he'd left the station over twelve hours ago. Johnny just hoped that he'd said them out of frustration or sickness and not because he really meant them. He'd tried to call three times and neither Roy nor Joanne had answered the phone. His heart and his gut were telling him that something was terribly wrong but his head kept telling him that Roy hated him now and that he should simply leave him alone; perhaps one of them should transfer out to another station. _I really did not mean to throw you under the bus, Pally. I only wanted to help you; something's wrong, I just know it. Please…don't shut me out. _

Johnny tossed and turned watching each hour tick away on the clock and wondering how it was that everyone else could sleep when something was so obviously wrong with Roy. But, he also knew that no one else in the dorm room knew Roy the way he did and no one else had been the victim of his savage verbal assault the way Johnny had been earlier either. Even so, Johnny vowed to go over to Roy and Joanne's house as soon as he was off shift in a few hours. _You might tell me to go to hell but at least I'll know you made it home safely and that Joanne is with you. _

That last thought sent chills up his spine and for a brief moment he thought he might vomit as heat waves seemed to overwhelm him. If Joanne wasn't answering the phone then maybe she wasn't there. _He did mention something about her taking the kids to see her mother….was she going to spend the night too? _Dots of perspiration burst out all over his face as he continued to think about the possibility of Roy going home and spending these last few hours alone in the frame of mind he'd been in. His stomach summersaulted and he got up and rushed to the latrine.

E!

Roy relaxed his facial muscles a little. He knew everything was going to be alright now. He stepped into his closet and reached onto the top shelf. All the way in the back was a locked metal box in battered army green. His hands groped around until they found the metal handle they were looking for then pulled it off the shelf. He swayed slightly as he staggered back out of the closet. With one hand carrying the box and the other wrapped around the crown royal bottle he leaned against the wall as he made his way down the corridor to the stairs. Looking downwards his vision suddenly doubled and he had to grip the hand rail quickly or fall. He stayed upright but the hand with which he grasped the railing was the hand carrying the metal box and it crashed down the stairs with several thumps and a sickening thud as it hit the carpeted floor at the base of the stairs. "Fuckin' klutz_." _He said with a drunken drawl as he continued to slowly make his way down the stairs still clutching the bottle. He left the box on the floor and staggered to the closet inside the guest bedroom at the base of the stairs. Everywhere he looked in that room he saw Johnny. There was a picture of Johnny with Jenny on his shoulders and Chris sitting between his knees that had been taken on the steps of the back deck a couple of years earlier. There was an old toiletry bag on the night stand where he knew Johnny kept his personal care items for overnight stays when he was babysitting or injured. He opened up the top left hand drawer where he kept the key to the metal box and found sweat pants, boxers and a t-shirt Johnny had left from his last stay. Johnny had decided to leave them here in case he was ever here rather unexpectedly and needed a change of clothing. Roy reached all the way in the back and pulled out the tiny key to the metal box. Johnny knew it was back there and they'd agreed it was safer to keep all three items separate so the kids wouldn't get hurt accidently. _At least the kids will still have you, Junior. They love you…and actually, no matter what I said today…..I do too. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. _

One more item to retrieve and his plan would be complete but after looking at the reminders of Johnny in this room he knew he couldn't leave without apologizing to his partner. Johnny hadn't deserved the words he'd hurled at him earlier. He'd done exactly what he should've done; exactly what Roy would have done if their situations had been reversed. He could see that now; his anger had been replaced with despair and now he thought he understood things much more clearly. He continued on over to the linen closet and swept his hand on the top shelf until it found the box he was looking for. He stuck the small box into his pants pocket then walked clumsily back into the kitchen to retrieve a piece of paper and a pen. He stuck those into his other pants pocket then bent down to pick up the green metal box still lying at the base of the stairs. Bending over then standing back up proved to be too much in his condition and he stumbled back against the kitchen table knocking over the vase of roses. Water poured across the table and down the back of his shirt. "Damn it!" He cursed as he pulled himself up using one of the table chairs to prop his elbows on. After a few weak-kneed tries he did manage to right himself then head for the back deck.

He dropped the box at the top of the steps that led to the backyard then sat down on the second step in a sideways fashion. He leaned his back against the side railing and stretched his legs out in front of him across the second step. He used the first step like a table, placing the liquor bottle beside the paper and pen. He tried unsuccessfully several times to write a note of apology to Johnny but the letters kept crossing in front of his eyes. Finally, he just wrote the word 'sorry' sloppily across the page and stuck it underneath the edge of the metal box. He pulled out the smaller cardboard box from his pocket and slammed it onto the top of the metal box. He then sat there twirling the tiny key around in his hand. He finally placed the key beside the cardboard box on the metal box and picked the crown royal bottle back up again. _I can't fuck up any worse than I already have. _He thought as he gulped another swallow of the burning liquid. He waited for the burn to subside before taking the next drink. He sat there looking across his small backyard and swore he could see Chris as a toddler kicking an orange ball around. He then looked underneath the large tree and saw Chris playing around the roots with his fire truck and police car. He snickered to himself as he somehow heard the small boy's version of sirens echoing around the tree. He blinked and there was Chris a little older now pulling a red radio flyer wagon with a chubby blonde haired cherub perched in it. He'd been so proud when his little sister was born and was always looking out for her. _I've always been so proud of you, son. _

He continued his gazing into the past and heard a precious giggling sound. There, in the corner of the deck stood a five year old Jennifer blowing bubbles into the cool autumn breeze and laughing as they climbed higher and higher in the sky. _Daddy loves you, princess._

His eyes drifted on around the deck until they came to rest on the kitchen window. There stood Joanne, the love of his life as pretty as ever watching him play with the kids. She had a bright cheerful smile on her face that lit up her green eyes. She had always enjoyed watching him playing with the kids. _Jo, you mean more to me than life itself. The day we married was the happiest of my life. I'm sorry I couldn't be the husband you deserved._

His eyes fell back on the bottle and again he lifted it shakily to his mouth. The burn was gone and had been replaced with nothingness, no feeling, no pain, no nothing. _Just the way I hoped it would be. _He reached for the key and fumbled with it until he managed to get it into the tiny lock on the handle of the metal box. His hands shook, his eyes watered then clouded over, his ears rang with echoes of yesterday and the total darkness of today came in quickly and carried him to another place.


	16. Chapter 16

Warning: strong language

Humanity Is Vulnerable-16e

The buzzing of the alarm clock woke Joanne from a deep slumber. Groggily she pulled herself out of her childhood bed; she threw on her clothes and hurried to the hall bathroom. A couple of minutes later she had her teeth brushed and hair pulled back in a barrette. She had decided to forgo make-up in her effort to get home before Roy returned from shift. She threw her night clothes in her suitcase and charged back down the hall headed for the front door.

"Jo-Baby? Aren't you going to eat something?"

Joanne peered into the kitchen where her mother stood, still in her robe and slippers, pouring two cups of coffee.

"Can't, Mom. I really do need to get home before he does. The note I left …uh…well, I just need to get there before he does and I've got at least a two hour drive ahead of me."

"All the more reason for you to eat something, dear." Louise reached into her olive green refrigerator and retrieved a small bottle of orange juice. "At least take this with you."

"Thanks, Mom…..for everything." Joanne accepted the juice and the embrace her mother offered.

"Call me and let me know how things go…please?"

"I will…..I love you, Mom."

"Love you too, Jo-Baby." She ran her hand down her daughters back in a soothing fashion then relinquished her embrace.

"Uh….do you have a styrofoam cup or something I can pour that coffee in? I want to stay awake and it's still dark out."

Louise grinned as she poured her daughter a cup of strong black coffee into a travel mug. "Here….better than styrofoam."

Joanne inhaled the aroma deeply then picked up her suitcase, stuck the orange juice in her purse slung over her shoulder and headed for the door.

Louise watched her drive through the circular driveway and head back towards Los Angeles...and she prayed that when Joanne arrived she would be able to patch things up with Roy. _Then I'll need to explain my past behavior too._

E!

Johnny was already sipping his third cup of coffee by the time wake-up tones sounded. He strummed his fingers on the kitchen table while his chin occupied his other hand. He'd thought back over every conversation he and Roy had had since he'd returned to work from his near fatal accident and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why Roy had gotten so angry. _Damn, Roy. Cap called in a replacement because you were puking your guts up. Maybe feeling nauseated was why you pulled out in front of that car instead of the other way around. _That's when it hit him like a ton of bricks. _Oh geez, man. I never made the connection between what happened yesterday and what happened five months ago. You nearly died because you got T- boned by that kid then yesterday it almost happened again only this time it would've been your fault. Add problems with Joanne to that….no wonder you were sick. _Johnny placed his open palms on the table then laid his forehead on them. _I'm a damn fool; just an inconsiderate asshole instead of a friend. _

"Morning, John. Couldn't sleep?"

Johnny jerked his head up; so lost in his own thoughts he didn't even hear the kitchen door open or the shuffling sound of Hank's boots as he entered.

"Uh…no, no I couldn't…..worried, ya know." Johnny returned to his lukewarm coffee and grimaced when it reached his lips. "Shit." He pulled himself up from his seated position pouring out the contents of his cup and then poured himself a fresh one.

Hank leaned against the counter blowing across his hot cup when Marco and Brice came in for their morning java. "John, let's go in my office for a minute, Pal." He pushed off the counter and was met by Chet in the kitchen doorway.

"Morning, Chet."

"Mornin', Cap…Gage." Chet stood near the door an extra moment wondering what Johnny could have done already to be in trouble so early in the morning. Then deciding that Johnny could get himself into trouble no matter what time it was, he grinned beneath his full mustache and sauntered over to the coffee pot.

"We don't know either so don't bother asking." Marco said effectively silencing the younger lineman before he'd even had a chance to speak.

"Morning, guys."

A chorus of 'mornings' made its way around the kitchen as the final member of the crew walked into the kitchen heading straight to the coffee pot.

"Who got up early?" Mike asked pouring himself a cup of coffee that he knew hadn't had time to perk since they had gotten up.

"Gage." Brice answered and Mike knew better than to ask the replacement paramedic anything more or else he'd risk a monologue for an answer…and the quiet engineer was not in the mood for that much conversation so early in the morning.

E!

"Have a seat."

Johnny slumped into the chair beside his Captain's desk. "Cap, I've tried calling Roy four times since about seven o'clock last night but I haven't gotten an answer."

"Well, maybe he's trying to sleep….it was obvious he wasn't feeling well when he left." Hank felt his gut tighten but managed to keep his demeanor calm in Johnny's presence.

"I don't think so. I mean, why wouldn't Joanne answer the phone? And I think Roy mentioned something about her taking the kids to her mother's for a week but what if she stayed there….and Roy went home…and he's been alone?"

"I don't like the sound of this. You want to take the squad over there?"

Johnny stood up and began pacing which did nothing to relieve his superior's feelings of concern for Roy's welfare. "Cap, I don't want to drag Brice into this. I mean, Roy was really pissed off at me yesterday. He saw me takin' out the garbage and…well, I thought he was gonna punch me or somethin'…and the things he said….well, let's just say he hates me right now."

"I'll call another squad to check on him then." Hank reached for the phone and began to dial the number for headquarters.

"Wait, Cap." Johnny stood with one hand on his hip and the other briefly rubbed his nose. "Can you stand us down until Bellingham gets here? That way I could go on over there and check on him. I don't think he'd appreciate it if he's fine and you sent out a squad to check on him….and if he isn't fine…well, I'll be there to see about him and I can call it in from there."

Hank returned the phone to its cradle but didn't remove his hand. He twitched his lips which Johnny knew meant he was contemplating his next move. He knew his captain didn't do anything without thinking it through and for that John was grateful. Hank twisted his left wrist to check the time then picked up the phone. "Alright, John. Get over there now and I'll call dispatch."

"Ok..thanks, Cap."

"But Johnny…..no matter what you find, you call and let me know, you hear?"

"Yes, sir. You goin' straight home?"

Hank nodded his head, afraid his voice might betray him if he tried to speak. _Roy…what did I do, Pal? Why didn't I order you to the hospital? _ He quickly dialed the familiar number to dispatch to stand down the squad for another half hour or so. Then he pulled himself out of his chair grabbing both his coffee cup as well as John's. He had no idea what he'd say to the rest of the crew but he'd think of something. Right now, Roy's welfare was much more important than anything else.

Johnny sped through the locker room changing into his street clothes in record time then hustled out to his rover. He slammed it into gear and peeled out of the parking lot. He had no idea what he might find but one thing was for sure….he needed to see for himself that Roy was alright…..and if he wasn't….he knew he'd never be able to forgive himself.

E!

Joanne felt her stomach rumble and knew she needed to drink the orange juice but she was much more concerned with the time than with her stomach. She was still at least fifteen miles outside of town and knew that she would be cutting it close on time if she was going to get there before Roy. _Maybe they'll have an early morning run that will delay him. _She then silently cursed herself for feeling that way. How could she wish for that to happen knowing that it meant someone was in trouble. Her stomach churned again and she reached inside her purse for the bottle of orange juice. She'd only taken her eyes off the road for a second but when she looked up again all she could see were tail lights.

"Oh damnit!"

She swore loudly dropping the orange juice bottle in the seat and standing on the brakes with both feet. She did manage to bring the car to a stop before she rear-ended the person in front of her. The screeching sound of not only her brakes but several other cars as well could be heard in the distance. All south bound traffic on the 405 had come to a complete halt. She slammed her hand against the steering wheel repeatedly knowing that unless Roy got held over on a run he was going to get home before her. She shoved the car into park and rested her head on the steering wheel. Her eyes began to sting a little and she knew she was going to lose control of her emotions again. As time began to drag by slowly she could hear the sound of sirens in the distance and watched a California Highway Patrol motorcycle speeding past her on the shoulder of the freeway. Moments later she lost her battle to dam up her tears and she let them flow. Her shoulders shook and her nose ran as she sobbed. She dug around inside her purse for some tissue then remembered storing some fast food napkins in the glove compartment. She opened it up and pulled out a few then blew her nose and leaned her head back against the headrest contemplating her words to her husband when she finally got home.

E!

Johnny pulled up at the DeSoto home and noticed Roy's car parked haphazardly in the driveway and the garage door was open revealing an empty parking spot. From the way it was positioned it was obvious that no other vehicle could have gotten in or out of the garage. That could only mean one thing…Joanne had not been at home when he'd arrived.

He jogged up to the front door and resisted the urge to barge in. He knocked hard nearly stumbling inside when the heavy exterior wooden door opened up. He noticed that the deadbolt was shifted just enough to have prevented the door from closing shut. He peered inside but heard no noises. His stomach drew up in knots as he looked around. Near the door, he saw Roy's duffle bag; the one he'd been carrying when he yelled at Johnny just before he left the station.

"Hello! Anybody home?"

Hearing nothing, he made his way into the kitchen where his breath hitched. There on the kitchen table was an overturned vase of red roses; water trailed across the table and onto the floor. The chair nearest the water puddle had been shoved back away from the table. "ROY? JO?" He continued to call but again received no answer.

Seeing no signs of the DeSoto family on the first floor he took the stairs two at a time and rushed to the far room. The door was opened slightly and he could feel his heart pounding in his ears as he gently pushed it open enough to enter. "Roy? Joanne? Anybody home?"

He gulped when he saw the comforter wrinkled and pulled to one side. It appeared that there had been some sort of a struggle near the bed; the covers were pulled toward the left side near the foot. _Maybe someone used them for leverage to get up off the floor_, he thought to himself. The door to Roy's closet was opened and the light was on. An empty paper bag was lying just inside the doorway as was a very wrinkled piece of paper. He opened it up and began to read the note. There were smudges on it from what appeared to be water drops and he felt his own fear level rise a few notches when he read the very private message Joanne had left Roy. _What the fuck? How could you, Jo? He loves you more than anything in this world and you walked out on him when he needs you most?_ Then he berated himself slamming his open hand against the closet door frame. Hadn't he basically done the same thing? Hadn't he known something was wrong and yet he'd allowed Roy to distance himself from his partner?

He continued his search inside the master bathroom but saw nothing alarming. Then a sickening thought crept into his consciousness. _No, Roy…no you wouldn't. _He leaped back over to the closet and looked on the top shelf. There was an empty spot there. A spot where he knew Roy kept his weapon from his time in the army. He and Roy had devised a safety plan to keep it locked separately from the ammunition and then keep the key in the room John normally used when he stayed over. His respirations increased and his mouth went dry in a matter of nanoseconds. If the gun was gone then where would Roy have gone without taking his car? Johnny knew where Roy liked to spend his off time and he slowly made his way over towards the bedroom window that overlooked the back deck. _Please no…please no….ohmygod…please don't be there. _Heat waves rushed over him in an undulating manner while sweat began to pour from his brow. His stomach knotted up and his heart slammed around inside his heaving chest. Clammy hands touched the window seal as he leaned forward enough to look out into the back yard; seeing nothing there, he leaned over slightly farther so that the back deck he and Roy had built together right after they became partners came into his line of sight…and there he saw the sight he had been hoping he wouldn't. Lying in a heap on the back deck he saw Roy; beside him was an empty bottle of crown royal and the green metal lock box from the closet. _Shit…oh shit…please don't be….oh fuck…..NO!_

Johnny nearly tumbled down the stairs in his rush to get to his partner shouting expletives all the way. His stomach summersaulted and he fought back the nearly overwhelming urge to vomit. He shoved open the back door that led out onto the deck and dropped to his knees at Roy's side. His face was pale and the obvious stench of vomit, alcohol and urine assaulted Johnny's senses as he leaned over closer to observe his partner who lay unmoving on his side.

"ROY! Oh, God NO! Roy….ROY!" He shouted grabbing his partner by the shoulders and shaking him violently but he got no response.

A nervous hand searched for a carotid pulse as dark eyes scanned for entry and exit wounds. He found no trauma or signs of blood but did manage to find a pulse. And in an uncharacteristic move, Johnny picked up Roy's upper body and held him close rocking him gently back and forth.

"Wake up, Pally! Please….please….talk to me."

He continued to wail as he held Roy in his arms with his head resting in the crook of John's left elbow. He ran a hand over Roy's left cheek brushing away a small leaf that had stuck to the side of his face. He held his right palm over Roy's left ear searching his face for some sign of life; all the while he continued his gentle rocking motion. "Please…." His voice cracked amid his tears. "Roy…I'm sorry…..I'm so sorry….please…..stay with me, please!"

Several long moments passed before his paramedic instincts kicked in again and he laid Roy back down and began his assessment. He still saw no obvious signs of trauma but there was a pool of vomit near where his face had lain and the dark area on the front of his pants bore witness that he had lost control of his bladder at some point. A weak groan escaped from his pale lips and his eyelids fluttered slightly. "Roy….Roy can you hear me? Roy…..it's me.,,,,.it's, Johnny…..wake up buddy…..god… please wake up."

"Whu…..ah….no…..go 'way." Roy tried to push Johnny away while he mumbled incoherently but to Johnny it was the sweetest sound he'd ever heard.

"Roy," Johnny continued knowing that hearing his own name would help him regain consciousness. "Come on, let's get you to Rampart, Pally." He tried to sit Roy up but Roy began to resist his efforts.

"Ge' yourrr fuckin' hans off a me." He slurred barely cracking open his eyes.

"No way, Roy. Not gonna leave you alone this time, Pally." He kept his grip firm on Roy as Roy continued his efforts to escape. "Let's get you cleaned up first but then you need some fluids."

"NOOO!" Roy yelled finally rolling away from his partner. "Nooo goddamn hosss…pital."

Exasperated and yet relieved that his partner was still alive, Johnny relented. "Ok, a'right…no hospital…..but you gotta drink some water."

"Nu…uh..."

"Did you stay out here all night?" Johnny asked trying to keep Roy's ascent to full consciousness moving.

Roy tried to push himself up to a sitting position but his world tilted and he fell over on his side again. "Shiii…"

Johnny arched an eyebrow. He'd never scene Roy like this nor had he ever heard him swear this much either. "Come'ere. Lemme help ya up and we'll get ya bathed and some fresh clothes."

"Jus' lea….me …'lone." He dropped his right arm into his lap and felt the wetness there. "Dammnn."

"You passed out, man." Johnny reached over pulling Roy's now damp hand away from his lap. "Roy, what were you goin' to do with the gun?" He already knew the answer but he needed to hear Roy's confirmation.

Johnny watched as Roy's emotional wall began to crumble around him. He knew Roy didn't want to admit what he'd been thinking. Roy hiccupped opening his mouth but there were no words. He just continued to sniffle amid jerky breaths.

"Wha….if I…I got it, Junior?" Roy mumbled leaning his head back against the railing.

"What? What if you got what?" Johnny's frustration was beginning to show.

"Pete…r…..he got blood an'….. he got it…..I got ….." He couldn't finish his sentence and he didn't have to.

Johnny sat stunned. He'd never thought about that possibility before. The weight loss, fatigue….everything he'd attributed to stressful marital problems now might actually have a physical cause. "Oh, god no…no Roy…..don't even think like that."

"But…..I coulda gave…. it to Jo…Joanne too!" He lost all control then collapsing onto the deck hugging himself and curling up in a fetal position. His breathing was ragged and his entire body convulsed with his cries. He felt Johnny's hand on his shoulder gently rubbing soothingly.

"I…I jus' wanna ….."

"No, Roy…..no….ssshhh." Johnny soothed. "Let's get you cleaned up and sobered up then we can talk about it, a'right?" He said softly.

E!

Joanne looked at her watch through tear-filled eyes. It was already 8:15 am. He'd be home by now.

"Oh, what have I done?" She cried to herself.

Suddenly the line of traffic to her left began to slowly inch forward. She dried her eyes again using the remainder of the fast food napkins then glanced at her reflection in the mirror. She appeared ten years older than she had just a few months ago. She swallowed around the lump in her throat and began repeating her explanation to Roy for the hate-filled note she'd left him yesterday. By the time her lane of traffic began to crawl forward, she had strengthened her resolve to face him. She'd do whatever it took to earn his forgiveness. She'd also remain calm while she allowed him to explain the lipstick…and whatever else had happened between them to cause their current marital discord. She knew it wouldn't happen overnight but right now…more than anything else…she wanted her husband and marriage back.

E!

Johnny finally got Roy upright and draped his arm over his shoulder then grabbed Roy around the waist. "A'right, lean into me now…..we've done this before."

Roy closed his eyes to combat the dizziness and nausea. His knees began to weaken and Johnny realized that he wasn't going to make it inside.

"Whoa, whoa…..a'right. I gotcha…lean over my shoulder." Johnny leaned down reaching between Roy's legs to wrap his arm around the older man's thigh hoisting him into a fireman's carry.

"Uuhhh." Roy heaved as he was jostled but then seemed to relax a little as Johnny carried him inside the house.

Johnny looked around inside the house and determined that he didn't need to try to navigate the stairs. He headed on down the hallway to the bathroom and slowly slid Roy onto the floor with his back against the wall.

"Joh….gon….gonna puke." Roy mentioned breathlessly.

"Easy now…just sit real still and let it all settle. I doubt you got anything left in ya." He tried to think of a way to get Roy cleaned up while protecting his dignity but decided there wasn't a way to do it. He'd just have to strip him down and bathe Roy himself. He reached over into the tub and let the water begin to run. When it was warm he flipped the lever to close the drain.

Roy kept his eyes closed willing the contents of his stomach back to their hiding place. He felt hands on him removing his clothing and wondered for a moment if he was at Rampart. Johnny's voice was the only voice he heard as first his shirt and shoes were removed then his socks and undershirt. When he felt the tug of his belt he rolled his head to the side and opened up his eyes. "Wha…..whatcha doin'?"

"Gettin' ya cleaned up." Johnny didn't feel the need to remind him that he'd vomited and urinated on himself during the night. "You'll sleep better if you're clean."

"No…hell…no." Roy tried to stop Johnny's ministrations but couldn't in his current state. In short order he felt the cold tile on his naked backside as his pants and boxers were removed. He made an attempt to cover himself with his hands but couldn't while Johnny was transferring him from the floor into the warm bath water.

"Lean back, Roy. Lemme get ya cleaned up."

Roy released a moan as the cold porcelain met his warm back. He sensed Johnny standing up and heard the cabinet door open and close then felt a warm wet washcloth running over his body. If he'd had the strength he'd have been embarrassed but at the moment the feeling was soothing and he relaxed.

Johnny ran clean water over the washcloth then started with Roy's face. He gently washed away the specks of dirt that had stuck to him during his night spent on the back deck. He then then used the cloth to wet Roy's body before reaching for the bar of ivory soap. He lathered up the washcloth then quickly ran it over Roy's upper body ensuring he'd removed all traces of vomitus. He knew what he had to do next and even though he didn't want to embarrass his friend further he knew it was necessary. He quickly washed away the dried urine from his groin area then rinsed him completely. He watched Roy's face for a reaction but figured his partner was as embarrassed as he was so neither spoke or acknowledged the act.

"Now you should be able to sleep comfortably for a while."

Roy heard the telltale clicking of the drain lever being flipped upwards then the gurgling sound of the water draining. In short order, the water was gone leaving him naked and shivering until he felt a towel being patted along his body finally coming to rest covering his nakedness.

Johnny leaned over the tub to help Roy out and realized that he could still smell the noxious scent of urine and vomit. He quickly removed his own shirt and his undershirt then rinsed himself off. He then began the task of removing Roy from the tub and carrying him across the hall to the guest bedroom. There was just no way he'd be able to get him upstairs at this point.

E!

Joanne pressed the accelerator harder as she neared the city limits of Los Angeles. She needed to get home as quickly as she could to try to control the damage as much as possible. Of course, there was still a chance he hadn't made it home yet. Her stomach growled again and she decided to go ahead and drink the orange juice that she'd dropped in the seat earlier. She retrieved it from the passenger's seat and shook up the contents before twisting off the cap. Slowly she drank the acidic juice and by the time she'd reached their neighborhood she was feeling a little stronger; the juice had taken away the hunger pangs. She pulled up to the traffic light and waited for the signal to change so that she could make the left hand turn that would bring her closer to facing her husband.

E!

Finally, Johnny had Roy laid on the twin bed with the towel draped across his groin area.

"Easy…I'm gonna get you some clothes and somethin' to drink. I'll be right back."

Roy heard Johnny's words but was drifting ever nearer to sleep; the bath had relaxed him but his head was aching. He felt the cool sheets beneath him then heard Johnny's footsteps leaving the room. He reached for the towel to ensure it didn't move from its current spot. His heart was heavy having lost both his family and his dignity.

Johnny ran up the stairs and pulled open a couple of drawers before he found a t-shirt and boxers. He then hustled back down quickly stopping inside the kitchen. He found some ginger ale and poured it into a tall glass. He pulled open the kitchen drawer nearest the refrigerator and removed a straw then returned to Roy.

Johnny breezed through the doorway using his foot to shut the door. He then set down the ginger ale on the nightstand to begin trying to help Roy get dressed. He started with the boxers and pulled them up as far as the towel.

"Roy, lift your hips a little, a'right?"

Roy shifted slightly but it was enough for Johnny to pull his boxers up to his waist tossing the towel onto the floor. He then pulled Roy's arms through the arm holes of his t-shirt before pulling it over his head and down his chest. He covered Roy with a blanket then propped an extra pillow beneath his head.

"Roy…..gotta drink a little for me, ok?"

"Nu…."

"Come on…open up for me. Open your mouth." He ordered and was pleased when Roy complied. He dipped the straw into the tall glass of ginger ale, covered the top with his finger then held it over Roy's slightly parted lips.

"Open up a little wider, Roy so I can get it in…..atta boy…now suck a little and…..good job." He knew then that Roy knew what he was doing and was cooperating. "Ok, let's do it again."

Johnny continued placing the straw in the ginger ale then placing his finger over the top while he withdrew it. He then placed it inside Roy's open mouth waiting for him to place a little suction on his end before Johnny released his finger allowing the stomach calming liquid to enter his partner's body.

"Ok, I got somethin' for you." He reached into the nightstand and withdrew a bottle of aspirin. "I know your head hurts so lean up a little a'right? That's it…..now open wide, gonna put it in the back of your throat…." Johnny released the small white pills and watched Roy contort his face as the bitter tasting tablets began to mix with the remnants of the ginger ale and dissolve on Roy's tongue.

"Nu-uh..no, no….don't spit….swallow….it'll be over quickly here….." Johnny returned the full straw to Roy's lips and released more ginger ale. "Swallow, Roy…..don't hold it in your mouth like that or it'll taste worse…..swallow." He finally felt relieved when Roy's adam's apple moved and he knew Roy had swallowed the aspirin.

Johnny knew the man needed fluid more than anything else but he also knew he didn't want to go to the hospital. He'd honor his wishes for a little while hoping he could get more liquids in him once he'd slept. He noticed Roy was relaxing and hoped he'd be able to sleep for a little while; he needed to let their captain know what he'd found when he'd arrived.

"Ok, Roy…Roy…..roll over, Pally. Come on….on your belly." He worked with a very relaxed Roy until he finally got him rolled over on his stomach. He didn't want to take a chance on him aspirating in his sleep.

"Hu…hurts…" Roy mumbled, his head pounding with the roll over.

"I know…..I know but it'll get better soon. I promise, a'right…..now just relax." He positioned Roy's head so that his neck would be comfortable then waited for his breathing to become deep and rhythmic. He didn't want to leave the room until he knew Roy was asleep and hadn't gotten sick again. Once Johnny was sure Roy was asleep he would call Cap.

E!

Joanne arrived to find Johnny's rover parked in the yard.

"Oh shit! He's called Johnny over….he found it." She hesitated briefly before getting out and making her way inside to face her future.

She entered the front door and immediately saw the overturned vase and resulting wet mess. Her breath hitched as she envisioned Roy's anger causing the carnage after he'd read her note. She then heard mumbling down the hallway and headed in that direction. The sound was coming from the guest room. She reached to knock on the door but stopped when she heard parts of the conversation taking place inside.

She backed up against the wall in the hallway; her stomach seemed to lurch as her heart pounded out a bizarre rhythm inside her chest. She couldn't believe what she was hearing and stood frozen by shock and horror. Her hand covered her mouth as she replayed in her head bits of the dialogue she'd heard coming from inside the guest bedroom and in her emotional state the conversation she'd heard held a very different meaning.

E!


	17. Chapter 17

Humanity Is Vulnerable-17e

Joanne was overwhelmed by what she'd just heard and suddenly all the pieces starting fitting together. She thought about Roy's anger at Chris for his comment about 'a bunch of queers' and the follow-up conversation using Johnny as an example. The memory of his request for anal sex ran through her mind. Now, the lipstick smudge on his shirt the night he'd left and came home late. _Did you go to a gay bar, Roy? Was the lipstick from some drag queen?_

Suddenly, she was face to face with not only her husband's infidelity but the humiliation of learning that his lover was such a close family friend whom she had trusted….and a man. She'd always considered herself to be open minded but now she was forced to face her own prejudices. She could taste the bitterness in her throat as she thought over and over again about everything that had happened in the last fifteen years. _When, Roy? When did you start wanting men? _She wondered if it had happened during his time in Vietnam but then she was assaulted with a barrage of images and thoughts that she wished she could rid her mind of. Images of Roy and Johnny going camping, building the deck together, Roy taking care of Johnny when he was sick or injured, and the worst part of all was the fact that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't win him back. If he were seeing another woman then maybe…..just maybe….. she had a chance to change his mind…but she couldn't compete with another man.

Her face displayed horror, disgust, and defeat as she hugged her abdomen with one arm and held the other hand over her mouth. She made no effort to stop the tears from burning her face and continuing on down her neck dampening her blouse. Her trembling fingers covered her mouth to prevent the escape of her cries while she pushed herself away from the wall and slowly dragged her heavy feet up the stairs. She decided not to interrupt what they were doing. It was over; she had lost her husband. Her children had lost their happy two parent family. Then another abhorrent thought over took her as she pushed through the doorway to their bedroom. How was she going to explain this to her children? And worst of all, how would Chris and Jennifer survive the taunts of their classmates when word got out that their father was homosexual? She entered the room and saw the bed linens askew. _Shit! They did it in our bed? _The images that assaulted her brain of Johnny and her husband having sex in their bedroom proved more than she could handle. Her field of vision narrowed and stars drifted aimlessly before her eyes; she reached out for the edge of her dresser to maintain her vertical position. She began to heave and grabbed the door frame of the master bathroom pulling herself through it and over to the toilet. Then, on her knees alone in the bathroom with her husband engaging in gay sex with his best friend directly beneath her, she lost the battle with her stomach.

E!

Johnny sat in the recliner beside the bed where Roy now slept. He couldn't stop his brain from thinking about how close Roy had come to taking his own life. Although Johnny didn't know for sure, he assumed that Roy had simply passed out before he'd been able to unlock the box and load the bullets into the pistol. He leaned his head back against the back of the recliner and closed his eyes briefly. _Roy, please don't ever do this again. No matter what you say, I'll never leave you alone….no matter how hard you push me away._

Soft snoring sounds escaped from Roy's dry lips bringing Johnny back to the present. He glanced at his watch and knew he needed to call their captain. Since he'd arrived an hour ago he'd refused to leave Roy alone for more than a minute but now that he was asleep, Johnny felt comfortable walking to the kitchen to use the phone. He pulled himself up and made his way to the kitchen, feeling a cool rush of air on his bare back. _Oh yea….gotta wash our clothes. _He decided to call Hank first and then wash the clothes that he'd left piled up in the bathroom.

He rounded the corner into the kitchen and picked up the phone dialing the familiar number. On the second ring a deep voice answered.

"Stanley residence."

"Cap? Hey, it's John….he's …uh….." Johnny wasn't about to lie to his captain but he also wasn't going to tell him the entire truth either. His voice sounded weak as he heard himself say the words. "He's gonna be ok. He's pretty dehydrated but I'm trying to force some fluids…he's refusing to go to Rampart for now."

Johnny heard his captain breathe a sigh of relief into the receiver. "Thank God. I was really worried, John."

"Yea, …..me too. I'm gonna stay here with him though since Joanne's visiting her mother." He refused to tell Hank why Joanne was gone; that was more than he wanted to reveal at this point.

"Things ok between you two?" Hank remembered his earlier conversation with Johnny in his office.

"Yea….he just doesn't feel well, Cap."

Hank accepted John's explanation without question. "Alright, thanks for calling me and if you need me to do anything you call me alright?"

"Yes, sir. Thanks."

Johnny hung up the phone and slowly turned around; his mind still reeling from the morning events when an image he hadn't expected revealed itself through the small window of the front door. Joanne's car was parked beside his rover. "Jo?"

The sound of her name escaped his lips just as he heard a toilet flushing from upstairs. "Jo! Thank God you're here." He charged up the stairs for the third time this morning but was unprepared for what he'd find.

E!

Joanne sat back against the wall completely exhausted. She reached over to flush the toilet then somehow managed to pull herself up to the sink. She refused to look at herself in the mirror, unable to accept the face she knew she'd see. She leaned over and rinsed out her mouth with water then followed that with a mouthwash rinse. She splashed a little cool water on her face and patted it dry just as she heard her name being called.

"Joanne? Hello? Jo?"

Johnny. She did not want to see him but she heard him come into the bedroom and unexpected indignation forced its way up from her gut. She threw the hand towel back down on the counter and opened the bathroom door to face the man who, in her mind, had instigated the downfall of her marriage.

"Jo? Hey, I'm so glad you're here…he's down….." Johnny stopped mid-sentence as he saw the flush coloring her face.

"You fucking sonofbitch!" She seethed at him through gritted teeth. Her respirations increasing rapidly as she faced her rival.

"Jo? What the hell?" His voice cracked.

She was shocked at his audacity; had they heard her come in? Could Roy not face her and yet here Johnny stood half naked in front of her as if flaunting his accomplishment of bedding her husband?

He backed up slightly as her fury made its way to her red rimmed eyes. She charged at him; her fists landing repeatedly against his chest and one catching his cheek. "Damn you, John Gage! How could you do this?" She screamed amid her blows.

"Joanne! Sshhh, he's trying to sleep!" He said trying to defend himself by blocking her flailing arms.

That comment further enraged her, thinking that Johnny had so satisfied Roy sexually that he'd drifted off into satiated slumber.

Johnny managed to grab one arm but she continued to fight with the other. "Jo! Shit, cut it out!"

When she continued her attack by adding her knee in an attempt to connect with his groin, he decided to put a stop to her outburst. He swiftly spun her around wrapping his right arm around her midsection pinning both arms at her sides while covering her mouth with his left hand pulling her head tightly against his chest. He lifted her just enough for her feet to lose contact with the floor and carried her over to the bedroom window; the window where he'd first seen Roy lying unconscious on the deck.

"Look damn it!" He positioned her where he knew she could see the area he wanted her to see. "Look at the deck, Jo! That's where I found him a little while ago! He was passed out drunk….been there all night."

"Muhh." She mumbled behind his hand; eyes remaining tightly closed.

"Now look closer, Joanne. See that puddle? Puked his guts up….…. coulda choked if he hadn't been on his side. "

"Muhhnn!" She continued to struggle against him but managed to open her eyes.

"And do ya see that lock box? Do ya?" He shook her for emphasis. "Now what the hell do ya think he was gonna do with that, huh? Luckily he passed out first!"

"Muhhooo!" She saw it and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what it meant. Her insides boiled as she resumed her struggle against Johnny, using her legs to try again to make forceful contact with his manhood.

He lifted her up higher and threw her struggling body on the bed facedown. She continued to try in vain to kick him and he roughly forced his right knee between her thighs protecting his most vulnerable area. He then let his weight fall on top of her pinning her completely to the bed while he growled into her ear.

"I don't know what the hell's wrong with you but you better cut it out NOW!" He whispered hoarsely feeling her body tense but knowing she was unable to move beneath him.

Joanne lost her breath at the swiftness of Johnny's moves. In the blink of an eye she found herself pinned face down beneath him. Fear coursed through her veins while she briefly considered what he might do to her. Never had she ever been afraid of her husband's best friend but now she no longer knew who John Gage really was. His weight had her sandwiched between his right arm and his chest crushing her. Her ribs ached and the inside of her left thigh was stinging from the blunt force of his knee. Knowing she was helpless and now feeling hopeless, her eyes began to burn behind closed lids.

"Mmm," She vocalized all she could with his hand blocking her mouth.

"Jo…I read the note…do you have any idea how badly you've hurt 'im? He got sent home from work yesterday for bein' sick and he came home to that shit!" Johnny was furious and his breathing hitched. He had to say it out loud. "Jo…he …..he had his pistol out! Don't you even care about that?"

Johnny felt her relax a little beneath his weight. "I'll take my hand off your mouth but do NOT scream, damnit! He needs to sleep….hell, he needs to be in a hospital…..understand?"

Joanne didn't know what to make of what Johnny had just said. _Passed out drunk on the deck all night? Hospital? Pistol? _Her tears forced their way out from behind her lids as she nodded in answer to his question. She sucked in a panting breath when he removed his hand away from her mouth slightly. She knew if she made a sound he'd clamp it back and she definitely didn't want that. The pain in her side and thigh increased as he shifted and she groaned.

Johnny felt the wetness of her tears on his hand as he pulled it back just enough to see if she'd raise her voice again. The last thing he wanted was for Roy to hear her scream. Somehow, he needed to calm her down so they could talk rationally. She coughed slightly and he pulled himself up off her enough for her to catch her breath.

"Jo…uha….Johnny….you're hur..ting me." She whimpered softly crying.

Johnny rolled over onto his right side pulling her with him while he shifted his legs. He felt her scramble to pull free of his grip then curl up with her back to him. Both of them were gasping for air from their struggle. Johnny lay panting on his back watching her shoulders heaving with deep gut-wrenching sobs. She pushed herself up slightly reaching underneath her to the place where the pain was the worst on her ribs.

Johnny felt terrible for what he'd done to her but he didn't know any other way to stop her. "Jo, I….I'm sorry….I didn't mean to….to hurt you." He said continuing his efforts to regain his normal breathing.

Joanne sniffed and wiped her eyes while she continued to hug herself. She tried to remember what he'd said but her brain didn't want to process the information. She felt his fingers brush her lightly on her shoulder and she jerked herself away.

"Joanne, please…I'm sorry…..please don't do this …don't leave him…not now. He's…..he needs you so badly….he loves you, Jo. You and the kids…you're his whole life."

"How…..long?" She asked still lying on her side with her back to him.

"I don't know. I haven't exactly been a very good friend, ya know? If I had, then I would've known he was in trouble. I should've known something was wrong but he just kept brushing…."

"Johnny!" Joanne couldn't let his rant continue. She wasn't going to allow him to avoid her question.

"What?"

"How long? How long have you and Roy been…..you know…doing this?"

"Doin' what?" Johnny asked feeling like he'd missed a very significant part of the conversation.

"I heard the two of you when I came in. I know, Johnny…but I just need to know how long it's been going on? How long have I been living a lie?"

Johnny leaned up on his right elbow and knitted his eyebrows together. "What are you talkin' about?"

"Don't make me say it…please?" She cringed inwardly; she needed to know the answer and yet she didn't want to know it.

The puzzled look on Johnny's face intensified. He sat up completely and reached for her again. "Jo….for the life of me… I don't know what you mean."

Joanne allowed his hand to rest on her shoulder; she no longer had the energy or the desire to avoid the contact. She exhaled loudly realizing she'd have to play his little game in order to find out what she wanted to know. "How long have the two of you been…..lovers?"

"Who?" He asked confused, then his eyes widened when he realized what she meant. He splayed an open hand on his naked chest. "Me…. and Roy?" He asked, his voice rising a couple of octaves.

"I heard you…..I know, alright." She sniffled. "I just want to know how long it's been going on?"

Johnny released something that sounded like a chuckle. "Me and Roy? No, no….no way….nu-uh….not my thing…not his either. Why the hell would you think that?" He asked in a stunned voice as he used his fingers on her shoulder to gently encourage her to roll over onto her back. He wanted to face her, to look deep into her eyes to find out where this idea came from.

"Come on, Johnny. I heard you when I walked in." She covered her eyes with her hand.

Johnny shook his head. "I don't know what you think I said but whatever you heard …that damn sure wasn't what I meant."

Now it was Joanne's turn to release a nervous chuckle. She'd been around Johnny long enough to know exactly what he was trying to say. "John….I heard the two of you in the bedroom downstairs. I heard you telling him to…." She couldn't finish the statement; her shoulders began to heave as her sobs started again and both hands flew up to cover her face.

Johnny wanted to hold her but he couldn't stop thinking about what had happened in the guest bedroom. He replayed everything over and over again in his mind…then hung his head. "Jo…." He reached out again placing a soothing hand on her upper arm. "Jo…what you heard was me trying to get him to take a few swallows of ginger ale. He was barely conscious and lying on his back. I was using a straw and trappin' it in the straw with my finger. Once he started to suck on the straw a little then I released it….so he wouldn't get strangled." He rubbed her shoulder some more then continued. "I asked him to roll over on his stomach because he's been vomitin' for hours…..didn't want him to aspirate. His head was hurtin' so I gave him some aspirin too. The pills started to dissolve…..tasting bitter I'm sure…so I kept tellin' him not to spit them out but to just go ahead and swallow them." Johnny thought about how that conversation might have sounded to Joanne standing in the hallway, not knowing what had happened before she arrived.

Joanne sniffled again and felt the bed shift as Johnny got up. She heard the water running in the bathroom. Moments later, she felt the mattress sink again underneath his weight.

"Joanne, look at me, please?" He gently pulled her hands away from her face and began to wipe away her tears with the damp cloth. "Sshhh…." He crooned.

"You…you mean, you aren't…" She said hiccupping.

"No….no way…never."

"God, I'm so embarrassed." She tried to roll away from him but he stopped her.

"Nu-uh…..come 'ere." He reached out to her pulling her up berating himself when he saw her wince.

"Aw, damnit….I really did hurt ya didn't I?" He asked with deep regret in his voice. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok. I….I."

"Nope, no excuse. Um, lemme check you out, a'right?"

"Really, I'm just a little sore. I'll be ok."

"You sure?" He asked feeling relief when she nodded.

"Ok….…we really need to check on him again." Johnny whispered. "I tried to get him to lemme take him to Rampart but he, ah…he begged me not to."

Joanne sat staring at the floor. "Did he…did he really want to…."

"Yea….yea, I think so."

"Oh, Johnny….what have I done?" She sobbed and this time she welcomed Johnny's warm embrace.

"It's a'right…..well, it'll be a'right if you…um…if you're back…" He continued in a low voice as he ran his hand down her hair and back in a calming manner.

"That's why I'm here." She sniffed. "I came back to try to work things out and then….." She shook her head again as heat waves of shame caused her to perspire.

"Come on….let's go check on him." Johnny stood up and reached out a hand to her. She accepted it and he helped her up noting how she was guarding her right side and limping slightly as she walked.

"Uh…where's your shirt?"

He hesitated briefly but decided she needed to know the seriousness of the situation. "When I found him, he'd vomited and urinated on himself. I had to carry him inside and got some on my shirt too. The clothes are piled up on the floor in the downstairs bathroom. I…I had to bathe him before I put him to bed. I was goin' to wash them when I noticed your car in the driveway and knew I needed to talk to you first."

She nodded. "Wanna shirt?"

"Yea….I'd like that."

Joanne limped over to Roy's closet and reached in for a clean t-shirt. She turned back with it draped across her forearm when she stepped on a piece of paper on the floor. Looking down, she recognized the crumpled note as being the one she'd left for him. She retrieved it, painfully, and laid it on top of her dresser; it would be the topic of a very serious conversation later on when Roy was ready.

E!

Johnny stood behind Joanne and noticed her hesitation to enter the guest bedroom.

"What if….he doesn't wanna see me?" She asked still staring at the bedroom door.

"He's probably still sleepin' but….even if he isn't….Jo, he needs you." His dark eyes darted back and forth as he looked into her green ones. He side stepped past her gently pushing the guest room door open with his fingers.

Roy was still lying on his stomach; light snores continued to be emitted from his slightly parted lips. Joanne crept inside taking a seat in the recliner beside the bed while Johnny counted Roy's respirations and pulse.

"He's in a pretty deep sleep." He whispered without looking up from his task.

Joanne heard him but in her mind all she could see was Roy lying face down on the deck, pistol near him, blood pooled….."Jo..Johnny?" She gasped.

"Yea?"

"Is he…." She closed her eyes. "Is he really gonna be ok?" She asked in a stage whisper.

Johnny looked back down at his friend. "He needs fluids but….yea….yea, I think so."

"No, that's not what I mean."

Johnny pressed his lips into a thin line. He knew what she meant and he really didn't have an answer for her. "I hope so…..I think it'll take some time, of course, but….."

"If he'd done it….I'd never be able to forgive myself."

"Don't go there, Joanne." Johnny shook his head at her as he stood back up.

"But…..it's my fault…..it's…" Her voice cracked again as she felt Johnny wrapping his arms around her.

"Stop it, Jo! It didn't happen, a'right? It didn't! You're here now and he's alive and uninjured and….." Johnny began to feel the sting in his eyes. "And it woulda been my fault too."

"Uhmm."

Both of them turned to face the source of the moan they'd just heard.

Roy's eyes were shifting rapidly behind his closed lids. His lips were moving slightly and his face twitched and contorted as if in pain. "Peas….Jo….no…" He continued to moan in a mixture of groans and whimpers.

Joanne moved over to the bed sitting on the narrow edge beside her dreaming husband. Johnny stepped back knowing that both Roy and Joanne needed this time together.

"Roy?" She reached up and lightly brushed away a few errant strands of auburn hair from his forehead. She swallowed the lump in her throat then spoke again. "Ssshhh, baby….I'm here….it's alright….everything's gonna be alright. I….I love you, Roy."

Johnny watched with blurred vision as Joanne leaned over ignoring her own bruises and gently brushed her lips on her husband's cheek as she continued speaking sweet nothings into his ear. And Johnny was amazed at how quickly Roy relaxed as the words of his precious wife drifted into his subconscious and relieved his anxiety floating him away in peaceful repose.

Johnny eased out of the room and back down the hallway. He had another phone call to make; one he dreaded but knew had to be done. He dialed the number.

"Rampart Emergency."

"This is firefighter/paramedic John Gage….may I please speak to Dr. Kelly Brackett."


	18. Chapter 18

Humanity Is Vulnerable-18e

"Hello…Dr. Brackett speaking."

"Hey, Doc…it's Johnny…uh…listen, can I come in and talk to you? It's about Roy." Johnny kept his voice low trying not to be overheard by Joanne.

"Of course, Johnny. Is something wrong?" Dr. Brackett leaned forward in his chair with his elbows on his desk.

"Uh….yea, um…maybe…I'd really rather talk to you privately, please." Johnny rubbed his forehead and temple with his thumb and index finger; he really wasn't sure what he'd say to his paramedic director.

"Ok…I'll be here another.." Kel glanced at his watch before continuing. "Looks like another four hours or so. Can you come on in now?" He knew that whatever Johnny wanted to discuss must be urgent.

"Yea…that would be great. Uh….can we keep this between us please?"

"Of course…..would you rather wait and meet somewhere else besides here?" Dr. Brackett felt the muscles in his face tense up.

"Uh….yea but I don't think it can wait that long. Um….I'll just come on down now and maybe no one will ask any questions."

"Sure, Johnny…that'll be fine. I'm working on some paper work so just come straight to my office."

"Ok…thanks, Doc." Johnny hung up the phone and slowly headed back down the hallway to the guest room to check on his partner.

Kelly Brackett hung up the phone with a loud exhalation. "Wonder what this is all about…." He mumbled out loud as worry curled up in the pit of his stomach. Roy and Johnny were the best paramedic team in L.A. County; he just hoped that he wasn't about to learn something that might change that fact.

E!

Johnny walked back down the hall anxious to see if Roy was still sleeping. He walked past the bathroom and caught a whiff making a disgusted face. _Gotta wash those clothes next._

He didn't bother knocking but slowly and quietly twisted the door knob opening up the door just enough to slide his slender body inside. The sight before him tugged at his heart strings. Joanne was sitting on the edge of the bed slowly and lightly running her fingers up and down Roy's sheet covered back. His partner still lay perfectly still on his stomach with his mouth slightly opened. His pale skin exaggerated the dark circles underneath his eyes. She didn't look up when Johnny entered but he did see her quickly wipe her eyes with her free hand.

Johnny walked up to her side and placed a gentle supporting hand on her shoulder and squeezed it lightly.

Joanne looked up into the coffee colored eyes she knew so well. "Thank you." She mouthed the words instead of speaking them out loud but Johnny understood the message clearly.

"I need to check his vitals again."

Joanne nodded and started to move away but she felt the hand on her shoulder press downward ever so slightly.

Johnny saw the confusion in her red tear filled eyes. "He needs you to be here with him…..needs to feel your touch." He felt a sense of relief when she looked back at the sleeping man they both cared so much about and nodded her understanding.

Johnny kneeled down beside the bed and checked Roy's pulse and respirations. His pulse was still too rapid and Johnny noticed how pale and dry his lips were. He then removed his stethoscope and blood pressure cuff from where he'd left them on the floor. He pumped up the cuff briefly then slowly released the air. _Too low. _

"Joanne, are you ok to stay with him for a little while? Since I couldn't talk him into going to Rampart I really think I need to see if I can get Brackett to give me some D5W and bring it back here. He really needs fluids."

"Yea…..think he'll sleep awhile longer?" She asked looking back at Roy.

"I think so…..I hope so." He stood up to leave. "I'll start the load of clothes and then I'll head out. I promise to hurry."

"Johnny, leave the clothes….I'll take care of them."

Johnny nodded then quickly exited the room. He was about to walk outside to his rover when he stopped suddenly. He couldn't leave Joanne alone with Roy without taking care of the greatest risk. He quickly made his way out to the back deck and picked up the metal lock box. He noticed the sloppily written note with the single word on it and felt his heart skip a beat.

'sorry'

He exhaled hard folding up the note and placing it in his wallet; he needed to keep it. He carried the lock box back out to his rover. He knew that the safest place for it would be at his apartment; he'd be sure to return it when he knew the danger was over.

E!

Joanne sat for several long moments torturing herself with all the 'what-ifs' her broken heart could muster. _What if he'd taken pills along with the booze? What if he'd passed out and aspirated? What if Johnny hadn't gotten worried and rushed over? What if Hank hadn't let Johnny leave? What if she'd been the one to come home and find him? What if he hadn't passed out when he did? What if he'd managed to unlock the box? What if…._

She looked down again at her sleeping husband; agony etched on his handsome face. She let her hand rest sorrowfully between his shoulder blades, thankful for each slight movement that verified that none of her 'what-ifs' had actually happened. She sniffled and wiped her face one more time. Roy seemed completely unaware of her presence…..but according to Johnny, he'd been all too aware of her absence. Roy gave no indication of nearing wakefulness so she decided to wash the soiled clothing in the bathroom across the hall. When Roy did wake up, she wanted to be with him every minute; they had a lot to discuss.

She lightly kissed his exposed left cheek before standing up and wearily walking the few steps to the pile of clothing in the corner beside the bathtub. Her nostrils were assaulted by the stench she knew impregnated the clothing her husband had soiled during his drunken escapade the previous night. Her eyes stung and her head throbbed as she bent down collecting up the noxious garments...knowing that the damp clothing she held in her arms had almost been the last items of clothing Roy had worn while still alive. _Damn it, Joanne Mathis DeSoto! _She chided herself for her endless mental punishment.

She quickly rushed around the corner through the kitchen and into the laundry room. Standing in front of the white Maytag, she lifted the lid and shoved the reminder of the 'what-ifs' inside the basin. Her shoulder muscles ached as she reached up and pulled open the cabinet door above the machine to remove the box of laundry detergent. She scooped out the pale blue powder and sprinkled it on the clothing but when she reached back up to replace the box she grimaced as another reminder of her struggling marriage lay crumpled in the corner. She hesitated for a moment biting her lower lip between her teeth then reached in removing Roy's lipstick stained shirt and dropped it into the quickly filling machine before closing the lid and turning the knob. She just wished that removing the stains and stench from their marriage could be as easy.

E!

Johnny rushed through the emergency room doors at Rampart General Hospital, his lanky legs striding with determination straight to room number 127. He was grateful that the place seemed less busy than usual and even more grateful that no one seemed to be questioning why he was there when he was off duty. He passed by the nurse's station where he normally saw Dixie perched on her stool and exhaled in relief at seeing the stool empty. He stopped abruptly at the door of his destination and knocked.

"Come in."

Johnny entered Dr. Brackett's office quickly closing the door behind him. He was greeted by the dark haired physician who stood and offered his hand in a firm handshake.

"Johnny….have a seat." Kel gestured to the chairs in front of his desk. "What's going on?"

"Doc, Roy got sent home sick yesterday and when I went to check on him this morning he was….uh, well…he'd been vomiting all night. He's really dehydrated and still feeling queasy and…"

"Did you bring him in?"

Johnny had anticipated this question. "No….um, he's refusing to be brought in."

Kelly Brackett was stunned. "Why not? If he's dehydrated and vomiting then we need to get him some fluids and an antiemetic."

"Yea….I know…..look, Doc, can I level with ya?" Johnny knew the answer but he felt the need to ask anyway.

"Of course….you know that….what's really going on, John?" Kel leaned forward with his elbows on his desk and his fingers interlaced.

Johnny felt the heat of his flush rising up around the back of his neck and making its way to his tanned face. He looked down at his own hands while trying to decide the best way to approach the subject. The silence between the two men was deafening and finally Johnny looked up into the blue eyes of his medical director. "He…..uh, …..he and Joanne are having some …difficulties and…well, he did a lot of drinking last night. I think he….um, he doesn't want to get in trouble, ya know? And everyone knows us here and…."

"Whoa, slow down, Johnny. First of all, drinking on his own time is his business. He can't get in trouble for doing that unless it occurs on the job or impacts his job performance somehow. Now, there's no question that if he was sick with stomach flu or something then alcohol certainly exacerbated the problem and wasn't the best choice but….." Kel leaned back in his chair steepling his hands in front of him. "I think I see…..he's ashamed right?"

Johnny pressed his lips into a thin line. "Yea…..yea, I'm sure he is," his voice barely above a whisper.

"Ok…..so, why exactly are you here?" Kel asked.

"I know I shouldn't do it but…..I was kinda hopin' you might let me start an IV on him to at least get his fluid volume up." Johnny reached into his back pocket retrieving a crumpled piece of paper.

"Here." He placed the paper on Dr. Brackett's desk. "Here's his vitals for the last couple of hours or so." Johnny felt his heart beating in his throat as he waited for Dr. Brackett to read the numbers and make a determination.

"I don't like this."

Johnny nodded in agreement feeling the cold fingers of defeat squeezing his chest.

"But…under these circumstances and with your skills…I'll allow it." Kel stood up; the relief he saw on the young paramedic's face was unmistakable. "Wait here while I get what you'll need…but Johnny?"

"Yea?"

"Do your best to talk him into coming in here. There could be something else going on; especially since he's been having a lot of stress at home." Kel offered an understanding smile as he stood up and headed around his desk to his door.

Johnny was left alone and felt his heart rate begin to normalize again. At least he'd be able to get Roy's fluid volume up. He scrubbed his weary face with his palm. _Do I tell him the rest?_

E!

"Well, Desmond," Dixie began. "I think you're about ready to roll on out of here." The pretty nurse looked into the eyes of her young charge as she kneeled down in front of his wheelchair.

"Thank you so much, Ms. McCall."

"You're very welcome, Ms. Coston….it's my pleasure." Dixie smiled.

"Please, call me Janice."

"Sure thing, Janice…..but you've gotta call me Dixie then." She stood looking down at Desmond and giving him a wink.

Desmond felt his face get warm with the attention the pretty blue-eyed nurse was giving him.

"Ok Janice, if you'll get your car and pull it around to the pick-up area then Desmond and I will head that way too." Dixie walked around behind the wheelchair fully aware that a pair of young dark eyes were following her and the smile they were attached to was unmistakable.

"Alright, Dez….see you in a minute."

E!

Johnny jumped slightly at the sound of the door opening and craned his neck to see Dr. Brackett walking in with a box of supplies.

"Here you go….this should be everything."

"Thanks, Doc." Johnny acknowledged reaching for the proffered box as he stood up anxious to get back to his partner.

"Again, please try to get him in here as soon as you can talk him into it." Kel's stern eyes fixed Johnny with a worried stare.

"I will. Maybe when he feels a little better….and the uh….well, you know."

Kel offered a half smile. "I know. When he sobers up maybe he'll agree to come in."

Johnny nodded looking down at the box he held tucked underneath his arm. "Thanks for understanding." He said turning and walking toward the door.

"No problem, John." He said patting the younger man on the shoulder as he followed him to the door.

Johnny placed his hand on the door knob then hesitated. His actions were obvious to the attentive physician standing slightly behind him.

"Johnny?"

John closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply steeling himself for what he knew he had to do. It wasn't going to be easy but it was the right thing to do for Roy and he knew it. He huffed out his breath slumping his shoulders.

"What aren't you telling me?" Kel asked.

Johnny turned around slowly and leaned back against the wall for support. "Doc, there's more wrong with him….." He began.

E!

Janice Coston pulled her brown and tan buick up to the curb where her son waited in the wheelchair. He was tired and still in some pain she knew but he managed to light up his dark face with a huge snaggle-toothed grin. She was pretty sure it had more to do with the pretty nurse standing behind him whispering into his ear than it did with how he actually felt.

Dixie reached for the passenger's side door and opened it up. "Ok, Dez….are you ready?"

Johnny exited the doors and quickly recognized the small boy Dixie was talking to in the wheelchair. He desperately wanted to avoid Dixie right now but he couldn't walk past Desmond and Janice Coston without speaking.

"Well, well….who ya got there, Dix?"

"Johnny!" Desmond squealed causing his mother to sharply turn her head.

"Hey there, Dez. How ya feelin'?"

Janice smiled at the friendly conversation going on between the two adults and her son. "Johnny Gage, how nice of you to stop and check on Dez."

"And since you're here, Johnny….wanna give him a lift for me?" Dixie then batted her long eye lashes at the child. "Firemen are so much stronger than nurses." She teased.

"Sure thing." Johnny placed the box on the trunk of Janice's car and reached down to lift Desmond; briefly remembering their intimate conversation in the back of the ambulance when they first met. He placed him gently into the passenger's seat in the car and pulled his seatbelt across his shoulder. "Gotta buckle up."

"I know." He grinned up at the paramedic he so admired.

"Hey, kiddo…know what? Dix has blue eyes too. Not all blue eyes hurt, do they?" He said through his trademark grin.

Desmond didn't answer but his blush and grin aimed squarely at Dixie told Johnny all he needed to know.

"Thank you, Johnny."

"You're welcome, Janice." He said pulling his lanky frame out of the door and closing it securely. He reached up and retrieved the box of supplies then waved as the Coston's drove away.

"Looks like you have a friend there." Dixie smiled as she gripped the wheelchair handles and turned it around.

"Yea….he's a special one." He turned then raising his free hand in front of him to stop Dixie's tirade he knew was coming. "And don't say a word….I already know the lecture by heart."

Dixie made a very animated motion of zipping her lips then pushed the wheelchair back toward the automatic doors. She had given Johnny the 'don't get emotionally involved' lecture many times but this time she realized she probably needed to give it to herself too.

Johnny walked on toward his rover with his cargo tucked in the crook of his arm thankful that Dixie hadn't questioned him on the contents of the box.

Back inside Rampart General Hospital room 127, Dr. Brackett was waiting for a medical record to be brought to him. One he hoped might allow him to offer a measure of comfort to a couple of people who desperately needed it soon.


	19. Chapter 19

Humanity Is Vulnerable-19e

Johnny eased open the door of the DeSoto residence as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb Roy or Joanne. He heard the gentle hum of the dryer and knew that Joanne had taken care of the soiled laundry. He slipped silently down the hallway and lightly tapped on the door to the guest bedroom to announce his arrival. He heard movement and then the door creaked open slightly and the tear-streaked face of his partner's wife appeared.

"Hey, did Brackett let you have it?" She whispered opening the door wider for Johnny to enter.

He held up the box of supplies and flashed her his crooked smile. "Right here. Now, let's see if I can get it started so he'll feel better."

Johnny set the box down beside the bed and began to gently roll Roy over onto his back so he'd have better access to his forearms and hands to get a vein.

"Grummnnh." Roy mumbled smacking his dry lips but never opening his eyes.

"Roy…it's Johnny….gotta start an IV, Pal." He said pulling out the tourniquet and tightening it around his partner's arm. "Jo, try to hold his arm down for me. When I stick him he's gonna probably pull back and I don't wanna have to stick him but once."

Joanne sat down on the edge of the bed while Johnny kneeled down beside it. She put some pressure on Roy's upper arm and shoulder.

"Big stick, Roy." Johnny grimaced as he slapped the back of his partner's hand trying to raise a vein. Finally he was able to get one to pop up enough for him to attempt the insertion.

"Ughnmm." Roy's face contorted and his muscles tensed at the pain. His eyes fluttered cracking open slightly but not enough for him to truly wake up.

"A'right….I'm in." Johnny continued working quickly to withdraw the introducer needle leaving the cannula in the vein taping it all down and then attaching the bag of D5W. He looked around for a place to hang it.

Joanne saw him and realized what he was doing. "Uh….take that picture down right there." She pointed above the bed. "And hang it on the nail."

Johnny stood leaning over the bed and removed the picture of himself with the four DeSoto's at the Fireman's picnic several years earlier. The nail was too short for him to hang the bag on. "Jo, got any duct tape around?"

Joanne's features revealed her thinking for several moments. "Oh, yea….out in Roy's shop. I'll go get it." She said standing up.

Johnny continued holding up the IV bag allowing gravity to work its magic pulling the fluid into Roy's body. He carefully studied the face of his resting partner and images of Roy lying on his back in a casket quickly flashed unbidden through his mind. _Stop it, Gage! It didn't happen! _He chided himself. Minutes later he heard the door creaking open again and saw Joanne enter with a silver roll of duct tape in her hands. She and Johnny exchanged items so that she was left holding the D5W while Johnny ripped off a piece of tape then taped the bag to the wall high enough for the drip to continue.

Somewhere, in the darkness of his mind, Roy heard a tearing sound. He tried to open his eyes to see the source of the noise but his vision was blurry. Images of figures moving in front of him assaulted his mind and he became startled. He blinked rapidly trying to clear the haze and figure out where he was when a couple of familiar voices spoke up.

"Hey, can you hear me, Pally? It me, Johnny."

"Roy…baby…I'm here, it's ok." Joanne didn't know what to say other than to speak calmly and soothingly to him.

He blinked several more times then tried to raise his right arm but felt a tug.

"No no….Roy…you've got an IV. Don't move that arm, a'right?"

"Huh?" He looked confused as he surveyed his arm. Looking around the room he realized he wasn't in a hospital but was in his own home. "Whu.."

Joanne looked quickly at Johnny; her expression begging him for the right words.

"Hey, man. You got pretty sick on us. You wouldn't let me take you in to Rampart so Brackett let me start an IV on you here. You've been vomiting for a while now….remember?"

Roy finally managed to squint in the direction of Johnny's voice. Images of the note Joanne had left him flashed through his mind along with the taste of hard liquor. He tried to lick his lips but didn't have enough saliva to accomplish the task. The taste of bile, vomitus and alcohol nearly making him gag again. Then he felt a gentle touch running across his forehead. A touch he recognized and yet had feared he'd never feel again. He lowered his eyes to the image of the person sitting closest to him and whose fingers were soothing him. He knitted his eyebrows together in confusion. "Jo…anne?"

"Yes, I'm here, baby." She sniffed as her eyes stung and became watery. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere ever again…..I'm so sorry." She crooned lowering her face to kiss his forehead.

Roy closed his eyes as she neared him and relished the feel of her feather soft lips against his skin. He gulped back the lump that was forming in his throat. His heart wanted to reach out and hold her tightly, wanted to apologize for all he'd done wrong. But his head told him to keep his distance. He remembered the meeting with Brackett, Peter's diagnosis, and knew that if he had acquired HIV during his blood transfusion then he couldn't allow himself the pleasure of her touch. He couldn't allow her to kiss him and he'd never again experience the blissful joy that they'd previously shared during intimate moments. No, he had to keep her away. He felt a tear slip out of the corner of his eye and begin its journey slipping down his face toward his ear. "No….no, Joanne. Leave…please?" His last word was merely a whisper as he was overcome with emotion.

"No, Roy….no, I won't ever leave again..I promise. I never should've done that…..I was so wrong, Baby. Please…please forgive me?" She begged amid her own tears.

Johnny felt like he needed to leave them alone to talk but he had a feeling that Joanne was misunderstanding Roy's words….and he needed to be there as the conversation developed so he stood cemented in place as the scene before him unfolded.

"No…go, Jo…please." Roy heaved deeply inhaling in an attempt to dam up his tears.

Joanne looked confusingly at Johnny then back to Roy. Johnny laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Jo….let him rest a while. I'll stay in here with him while the IV runs."

Joanne nodded wiping her tears. She leaned down again and kissed him quickly before standing and exiting the room.

E!

Kelly Brackett scanned the notes in the chart. He was searching for something, anything that might give his patient a sense of hope. He read over the notes of the ER treatment to stabilize him and then moved on to the surgical notes. Nothing unusual or worrisome about the treatment he'd received during his stay at Rampart General. He then read the discharge notes and once again was at a loss. He flipped the sections over and started again.

"O-negative." He mumbled to himself in the privacy of his office. _Roy was always one of our most_ _dependable blood donors. He rolled up his sleeve every time Rampart sponsored a blood drive_. Dr. Brackett knew the chances of Roy contracting HIV through the blood transfusion were slim but he had no idea how to convey that to Roy and Joanne. After all, it wasn't him who was worried about contracting and transmitting the hideous illness to his wife.

He continued reading the notes. Roy's hemoglobin level had dropped slightly below the threshold of 10 g/dl and had required one unit of packed red blood cells. Kel remembered ordering three units on standby for the surgery but had ultimately only used one unit. Roy was in remarkably good health and had tolerated the procedure well.

Kel leaned back in his chair with his index finger resting underneath his nose and his chin on his thumb. Suddenly, he leaned forward again and reopened the chart. Scanning the notes one final time a smile broke out on his face replacing the torturous grimace.

The phrase he read silenced the alarms that had been ringing in his head and heart since John Gage had left his office over an hour earlier. He glanced at his watch and realized he needed to get to work on the remaining dictation he needed to complete. Then, he had a house call to make.

E!

Louise Mathis stood at her kitchen window watching Jennifer swinging on the tire swing in the back yard. The child was spinning around and around in a dizzying circle that left Louise lightheaded just from watching her. Her golden hair fanning out as she spun sent Louise back in time to the day Joanne had first played on the swing; the day her father had put it up for her.

George Mathis had been the only man Louise had ever loved. They had married as soon as she graduated from high school. The following year, Loraine had been born. Then four years later they were again blessed with a second daughter, Joanne. She knew that George had secretly hoped for a son but he dearly loved his girls and couldn't have been happier. They had always planned on having another child but instead fate intervened leaving her heart-broken.

The creaking of the refrigerator door brought her back to the present.

"Hi sweetheart, hungry?"

Chris cast his blue eyes at her briefly then returned his gaze back into the refrigerator without answering her question.

"Why don't I fix you a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches?"

Chris lingered in front of the open door contemplating the gooey melted cheese delights he so enjoyed. "I guess." He closed the door then shuffled over to the kitchen table and sat down with a huff. The sparkle he normally held in his bright blue eyes seemed to have been snuffed out.

Louise hurriedly prepared the sandwiches then slipped them onto a plate with her spatula. She poured him a glass of cold milk and walked over to the table setting them down in front of her grandson.

"Here you go…..eat up." She took a seat beside him and watched as he slowly nibbled at the food he normally inhaled.

"Chris? Honey, what's going on?" She knew he was a very perceptive child even as a toddler; she feared that now that he was older he was far more aware of the marital strife of his parents than anyone had realized.

Chris continued to pick at his food pulling the sandwiches apart stretching the cheese between the pieces of bread. He rested his cheek in his left hand while he slowly chewed the bite of food in his mouth. He glanced up at his grandmother without answering her question. Instead, he merely shrugged his shoulders.

"Nothing, huh?" She asked leaning back in her chair. "Christopher Roy DeSoto…I know you too well."

Chris looked up at his grandmother then straightened up in his seat. He sipped his milk but failed to make eye contact with her.

"Does this have something to do with your parents?"

Chris looked up at her quickly then back down at his half-eaten plate of food. "'s my fault."

"What's your fault?" She asked in a voice laced with concern.

"They're gettin' a divorce and it's my fault." He commented blinking hard to hold back his tears.

Louise felt like she'd been kicked in the chest. "Honey, that's not true." She reached out placing a gentle touch on his forearm. She opened her mouth to continue her reassurances but her ringing phone interrupted their conversation.

E!

Joanne pulled out the freshly dried clothing from the white dryer slamming the door shut with her knee. She then walked to their sofa and dropped the freshly laundered load from her arms before taking a seat. She reached over to the end table and placed the call she knew she had to make then turned her attention back to folding the clothes as the ringing began on the other end of the line.

"Hello?"

"Hi, mom." Joanne said holding the receiver in the crook of her neck while folding up Johnny's shirt and setting it on the back of the sofa to separate it from Roy's clothing.

"Jo-Baby….how are …things?" Louise asked turning her back to Chris who was listening intently.

"Ah…" Joanne hesitated and Louise could hear the sniffling on the other end of the line.

"Joanne?" Worry lines etched deeper into Louise's forehead as she stretched the long telephone cord from the kitchen wall to the refrigerator and opened the door. She needed to prevent Chris from hearing the near panic in her voice.

Joanne inhaled raggedly trying to find her voice. "Um….he's….he's sick, Mom. Got sent home from work yesterday throwing up and…"

"Uh-oh." Louise whispered while pretending to rummage through the shelves in the refrigerator door.

"Yea….he..ah." Joanne pulled her lower lip between her teeth momentarily then released it while she reached for Roy's pants.

"And?" Louise hoped Joanne knew what she was trying to ask.

"He found my note and…..oh, Mom!" Joanne set the folded jeans aside and reached for his shirt then hugged it lovingly to her chest no longer holding back her tears.

"It's okay….take your time." Louise peeked back around the refrigerator door and realized that Chris was no longer sitting at the table. "Baby, what happened?"

"He…ah…" Joanne didn't want to reveal everything to her mother….at least not yet. "He got upset and…um….he drank too much and passed out. Johnny found him this morning and…"

"Oh my God! Jo, is he at Rampart? I'll bring the kids and be there…"

"NO! No, Mom….he's…..he's here….wouldn't go to the hospital. Johnny got Dr. Brackett to let him start Roy on some IV fluids here and then …..hopefully, he'll let us take him to Rampart soon….once he's….well…" Joanne didn't want say it and she didn't have to. Her mother finished the sentence for her.

"Sober?"

"Yea." Joanne whispered continuing her task of folding Roy's shirt. "Johnny's sitting with him while the IV runs….he's …..he's sleeping now….I think."

"So the two of you haven't had a chance to talk then have you?"

"No…but we will….soon. I'll call you back then ok?" She asked reaching for Roy's socks.

"Yes….yes, that'll be fine, sweetheart. I love you, dear…..both of you."

Joanne was shocked by her mother's comment. She always ended their telephone conversations with words of love but this time was different….this time she had included Roy. "Love you too, Mom. Kiss the kids for me ok?"

"I sure will. 'Bye now." Louise hung up the phone slowly. The happy reunion she'd hoped would happen between her daughter and son-in-law had not happened the way she'd envisioned it. But right now she had a more pressing need; she had to find Chris and make sure he knew that his home wasn't as broken as he seemed to believe.

E!

"Take it easy, man. You'll feel better soon."

Roy heard his partner's voice but refused to look at him. He turned his face toward the wall and squeezed his eyes shut. Bits and pieces of the previous hours began to filter into his memory and he hated the picture they created.

"Leave me…. alone, Junior….please?" He heard himself say even though the raspy voice sounded foreign to him.

"Nope….promised Brackett I'd sit with you while the D5W runs….and I'm a man of my word, Pally." Johnny's jovial façade began to break as he watched Roy reach over with his left hand and begin to pull at the tape securing the IV to his arm.

"Damn it, man….cut this shit out!" He said in a loud whisper. He didn't want Joanne to hear him as he stood up pulling his partner's hand away from the IV site.

"Fuck…you!" Roy gulped breathing hard as he struggled weakly against the man he'd always considered to be his brother. His mind raced with phrases he'd thought of the previous night and unfortunately a few slipped out before he could stop them.

"Say what you want, Buddy….I ain't leavin' you like this. Now just take it easy and settle down. Try to sleep it off." Johnny continued forcing Roy's arms back down at his sides; a task made easier than normal in Roy's current condition.

"You…" Roy's eyes burned with fury. "Should be…you!" He heaved between heavy breaths.

"Whatever, Pally. Just relax a'right?" Johnny didn't know what Roy meant but decided to simply try to placate him.

"No…" Roy swallowed hard looking directly at his partner's dark eyes. "I love….Jo. Only Jo! You….you'll fuck any skirt you….can catch." He let his head fall back heavy against the pillow as the room spun slowly behind his closed eyelids. He felt Johnny's hands release his forearms but he no longer had the strength nor the energy to continue his efforts to disconnect his IV. Had he really said that to his best friend? And worse still….did he really believe it?

E!

"Yes!" Kelly Brackett whispered to himself. He'd been researching for over two hours for some information to help Roy and was thrilled to have found it. He slammed the file drawer closed and locked it as he exited the secure room.

"Well, well….you seem happier." Dixie batted her long lashes at him from her perch behind the nurse's station.

"Can't a guy have a good day?" He kidded.

"Not around here, Kel." She smirked. "But, since you're leaving I can certainly see why you've got a little more pep in your step."

"See ya, Dix." He responded throwing his sports coat over his shoulder and reaching into his pocket to retrieve his keys. He wasn't necessarily avoiding telling Dixie about Roy but Johnny had come to him in confidence and he wasn't about to violate that trust; it had taken them a while to have faith in each other back in the days of the fledgling paramedic program and he wasn't going to do anything to ruin their relationship now.

Kel exited into the bright light of the mid-day Southern California sun. He reached into his pocket pulling out his Ray-Ban aviators and positioned them on his face then headed across the parking lot to his designated space. He glanced into the back seat of his shiny black Porsche just to make sure his brown leather bag was still there. He hadn't made a house call since the early days of his medical career. Then again, he'd never had the best paramedic team in the state of California on the verge of collapse either.


	20. Chapter 20

Humanity Is Vulnerable-20e

Louise Mathis knocked on the guest room door softly.

"Chris? Christopher, are you in here?" Louise slowly pushed open the door.

Chris sat on the floor leaning back against the navy blue comforter on the twin bed. His hands made busy work of spinning a baseball around as though he were counting the threads in the white leather. However, Louise noticed that his gaze was transfixed on a spot on the navy and beige oval rug upon which he sat.

"Chris? You ok?"

Again, Louise's questions were answered with a typical teenage shrug. She made her way over to the bed and sat down placing a comforting hand on Chris' left shoulder.

"Christopher….that was your mother I was talking to just now."

Chris stopped rotating the baseball and held it loosely with both hands. Louise noticed his stillness and continued with her one sided conversation.

"Honey, seems your Dad picked up a stomach bug yesterday at work. Your Mom was just calling me to let me know that he wasn't feeling well. He might have to go to the hospital and get some medication to help him feel better. If that happens, would you like to go with me to visit with him?"

Slowly Chris tilted his head up and to one side; his blonde bangs falling haphazardly across his sad blue eyes. "You'd take me…..to see Dad?"

She brushed the wayward strands out of his eyes then cupped the back of his head lovingly as she leaned down and kissed the top of his head. "Yes….of course I'd take the three of us down there to visit with him." She whispered adding emphasis to the word 'three.' She sat back up a little straighter. "I know I haven't always been as loving toward your father as I have the rest of you…"

"Humph." Chris mumbled a little louder than he'd intended.

Louise grimaced at the obstinate sound but she knew she deserved his disbelief. "But I do love your father….…and I know that he loves you and your sister….and your Mom very, very much."

Chris drew his crossed legs up to his chest wrapping his arms around them and relaxing his knees into the crooks of his elbows. "She doesn't love him though….not anymore."

Louise swallowed back the bitterness she tasted in the back of her throat. "Chris, your mother and I had a long time to talk last night. It's true that your parents haven't gotten along well lately…..but they do still love each other…..deeply." Again, she brushed the hair on the back of his head with her long, neatly manicured fingers. "She wanted to go home last night so they could get everything straightened out but we both thought Roy was on shift and your Mom was tired. So I talked her into spending the night and leaving early this morning. That's why she wasn't here when you woke up."

He stood up and in a move that was very uncharacteristic of his age and gender, he sat beside his grandmother and hugged her closely. "So, they aren't gettin' a divorce?"

Louise embraced her only grandson, marveling at how he was beginning to fill out with more muscles losing his previous boyish physique. "Oh sweetheart….they were never going to get a divorce. When you're older you'll understand that just because adults have disagreements doesn't mean they're going their separate ways."

He hugged her a little tighter. "I love you, grandma."

"I love you too."

E!

Dr. Brackett turned into the driveway of the DeSoto home pulling up his emergency break. He peeled off his sunglasses and reached for his medical bag. He hurriedly made his way to the front door and gave it a quick knock.

Joanne had just poured a couple of cups of coffee when she heard the quick knock on the front door. She pressed her lips into a thin line. She was definitely not in the mood for company under the circumstances. A second knock echoed through the house and she hurriedly walked to the front door hoping she'd be able to convince the unwelcome visitor to leave. She pulled open the heavy wooden door and gasped.

"Oh…uh…hello." She stumbled over her words as she examined the man standing before her holding a medium sized brown leather bag.

"Hi, Joanne…may I come in? I'd like to check on Roy." Kel's blue eyes conveyed his concern but there was also something else in his voice; a certain lightness that Joanne couldn't quite identify.

"Um, yes….yes, of course." She stepped aside suddenly feeling the blush of her embarrassment creeping up her neck and coloring her cheeks.

"Thanks." He walked inside a few steps then turned back towards her. "Has the D5W helped him any?"

"I…well, I'm not sure….uh, Johnny's sitting with him." She turned to walk down the hallway. "He's this way."

Dr. Brackett followed her down the short hallway and slipped into the guest room behind her.

Johnny looked up from where he sat in the chair in the corner; his head leaning back while his dark eyes stared at the ceiling without actually seeing it.

"Johnny…..Johnny…Dr. Brackett's here."

The sound of Joanne's voice caused him to finally blink and he turned to face them suddenly realizing that he hadn't even heard them enter the room. He stood slowly stretching out the stiffness in his exhausted limbs then struggled to stifle a yawn. "Ah…hey Doc…..somethin' wrong?"

"No no….just thought I'd come by and see how our patient's doing." He set his bag down near the bed where Roy lay resting.

"His vitals are right there." Johnny waved his arm toward the paper on the bedside table then folded his arms across his chest. "His IV's almost finished so I thought I'd just wait with him until it runs out and then remove it. He's been sleeping for a while now."

"No he hasn't."

Dr. Brackett turned quickly at the unexpected sound of Roy's gravelly voice.

"Ok, Doc…he's all yours." Johnny stepped past Kel placing his hand on Joanne's elbow.

Joanne looked up at him bewilderedly but followed his lead and exited the room. Johnny followed closely behind her closing the door behind him.

"Coffee's ready."

Johnny scrubbed his weary face with his palm. "I'd love some."

Joanne returned to the coffee pot and poured a bit more of the hot liquid into each cup to warm up the contents. She then placed one in Johnny's outstretched hand.

"Johnny, I….I just wanted to say Thank You."

Johnny looked at her from beneath one arched eyebrow. "Uh…you poured it for me so I think that's my line."

She smiled bashfully looking down at the dark liquid in her cup then felt her lower lip quiver as she fought with her emotions. "No….I mean for…..for saving him…." Her voice cracked as she squeezed her eyes shut. She felt strong arms around her removing the cup from her hands then pulling her into a firm embrace. Her fingers gripped his shirt….the shirt that normally was worn by her husband…..and she sank beneath his chin against his chest.

"Sshhh…he's ok now. Doc's with him and …...he'll be good as new soon." Johnny heard himself saying the words and hoped Joanne was easier to convince than he was. Because truthfully, he knew that while Roy may be out of physical danger he was still deep inside an emotional fog and Johnny had no idea how to help him find his way back out.

Joanne felt the vibration of his voice as he held her closely to his chest. She also felt him swallowing several times and knew that she wasn't the only one who didn't believe what he was saying. She knew in her heart that Johnny didn't believe it either.

E!

"How ya feelin', Roy?" Kel sat on the edge of the bed which quickly reminded him just how convenient hospital beds were for examining a patient while standing.

"Like hell."

Kel smirked his lips to one side. "Thought you might say that."

"Johnny told you…..didn't he?"

"Told me what?" Kel couldn't hide his concern for his patient who even now lay facing the wall instead of the doctor sitting at his bedside.

"Don't play games with me, please? I'm a grown man same as you….he told you what I did right?" Roy rolled his head over facing the ceiling but closing his eyes. He had no desire to face the man who had been his medical director…..and friend….for years.

"Yea…..he did. But not to embarrass you, Roy. He was worried about you…..same as you'd be about him in the same situation."

Roy had nothing more to say and feared that the next words out of Kel's mouth would be the death bell for his paramedic career. He knew there was no way he'd be allowed to work if he was considered suicidal….or if he did in fact have HIV. The silence lingered between them until Kel finally decided to break it.

"Roy….I've reviewed your record and it took me a while to put all the pieces together but….well, I hope I can make you feel better…..offer you and Joanne some relief."

E!

Joanne stood at the kitchen window nursing her second cup of coffee. Outside the window she saw the slumped shoulders of John Gage as he leaned against the railing of the deck. His elbows held his weight along the top rail while one foot was propped along the bottom rail. His now cold cup of coffee sat beside him looking as though the two of them were deep in conversation.

She placed the cup in the sink then walked over to the sofa picking up the folded clothing she'd left there earlier. Her fingers ran across Roy's shirt that she'd finally brought out of hiding from the laundry room; the shirt that had first seemed so offensive to her when she saw the lipstick smudge on the left shoulder. Now, it looked just like it always had….just a benign shirt…...there was no residual evidence of the turmoil their marriage had been thrown into recently. Leaving Johnny's shirt on the back of the sofa she picked up Roy's garments and headed for the stairs. The mumbling voices she heard coming from the guest room made her curious and yet relieved that at least Roy was feeling well enough to talk now. Ascending the stairs, she silently prayed that Dr. Brackett would know what to do to help him.

E!

"Dr. Brackett….I wish there was some way to undo what's already been done but…..you can't." Roy blinked his eyes open staring at the ceiling. "Nobody can."

"Well….I think you're wrong." Kel leaned over reaching for the paper with Roy's vitals on it then sat with his elbows on his knees. He scanned the paper as he continued. "When Johnny told me that you were really worried about contracting HIV from the blood transfusion you received when you were injured several months ago, I decided to see if I could find out just how risky that transfusion was for you."

Roy's mouth felt dry as he realized that the conversation was heading in the direction of the disease first….that meant that Dr. Brackett was saving his suicidal ideation for last and Roy dreaded that part of the conversation even worse than what they were now discussing.

"There's no way for you to know that, Doc…..even I know that much." Roy interrupted.

"Well, there isn't a test for it yet if that's what you mean. And no I can't look at the blood and tell which unit is tainted and which isn't….but that's not what I mean, Roy." He hesitated, waiting for his patient to look in his direction. When he finally saw Roy turn his head slightly in his direction, he continued. "I know that finding out that the little boy you and Johnny rescued from that house fire was diagnosed with HIV was a shock to your system…..and I know that you're comparing your situation to his…..but the two are not comparable because…"

"Because Peter doesn't have a wife that he's possibly infected with this bastard illness." Roy growled immediately regretting the harsh statement that was so out of character for him.

Kel placed a hand on Roy's chest…..less to remind Roy of his presence and more to quiet the storm beginning to rage within him. "That's not what I was going to say…..now hear me out." Dr. Brackett watched Roy close his eyes again.

"Sorry." Roy mumbled.

"Now, like I was saying….I read your record. Johnny said something about you getting transfused with three units of blood back then."

"Yea….yea, that's what they told me." Roy whispered hoarsely as he continued to blink rapidly then resumed his seemingly perpetual stare.

"Well, that wasn't exactly right. See, I had three units on standby….but you only required one unit of PRBC." He waited for his words to sink in with his patient.

Roy turned his face towards Kel. "I only got one unit of packed red blood cells?"

"That's right, Roy…one unit from one donor."

Roy gulped as his brain quickly processed the information he was being given. "Guess that cuts my risk by two-thirds then, huh?"

"More than that actually." Kel continued. "See, I also studied the information from the label on that unit. First of all, of course it was from a volunteer donor, as is all our blood now. But the date it was procured was the date of our big blood drive at the hospital, remember?" Kel hoped what he was saying was beginning to sink in.

"Yea….big storm that day…..Joh…Johnny and I kept coming in with patients from traffic accidents." Roy reminisced.

"Exactly, and we kept saying jokingly that we'd be transfusing directly from donor to recipient if the rain didn't let up." He smiled down at Roy's pale face; he was glad to see him cooperating.

"But…..none of the injuries were that serious were they?" Roy asked wondering if perhaps his memory was failing him.

"No….no mostly the usual stuff. But the storm kept away a lot of our regular donors that day too. We normally purchase our blood supply from The Red Cross Blood Bank and only use our own to supplement." He continued.

"I don't see where this has anything to do with my transfusion." Roy's blue eyes darkened.

"When I read the label, I realized that the PRBC you received had been procured from Rampart during our blood drive. Now, you're blood type is O-negative which means you are the universal donor….but you can only receive O-negative blood."

"Yea….I always….well, I used to always donate whenever I could since my blood type is always needed." Roy knew that he'd never be allowed to donate again and the thought felt like another crack in his already shattered spirit.

"Exactly…we have a few of you O-negative guys we've always counted on." He waited for the wheels to once again turn in Roy's head.

"I was on shift and couldn't donate that day." Roy said sadly.

"No….no you couldn't but a few others could…and did." He began to see the signs on Roy's face that he was beginning to understand.

"Doc…..you….you don't know who my donor was…..do you? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" Roy finally looked into the face of Dr. Brackett and saw signs of hope.

"No…...I don't know exactly who it was but….I've been able to narrow it down quite a bit…and Roy let me just say that it's no one that I'd consider to be at risk of having HIV."

Roy felt a sudden rush of hope coursing through his body that maybe…..just maybe…he'd escaped the grasp of the Grim Reaper. "But….it's still possible, right?"

"Look, there are no guarantees for any of us at this point. And…until there's a reliable test for the virus then there won't be….and there may never be a foolproof system. But…..while your transfusion product came from a single donor…..that's not the case for young Peter." He looked down at the back of his hands opening them and closing them repeatedly.

"So, Peter's blood products came from more than one donor?" Roy asked sincerely.

"Could even be thousands…..concentrated clotting factor is what most hemophelia patients use to improve their clotting abilities and it's produced from a huge pool of blood donors. All it takes is one of those donors to be infected and everyone who receives concentrated factor made from that pool is potentially infected."

Roy swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. "Doc…..so if my one donor is healthy then so am I?"

"That's right…and I've reviewed the list of O-negative regulars and I'd take blood from any one of them." Kel hoped his comments were sinking in.

"Poor Peter…..and his mother and sister…he's an innocent victim in all this isn't he?" Roy said barely able to speak, feeling selfish and yet relieved at the same time.

"Well…..I consider them all innocent victims, Roy. No one deserves this illness….and it's very likely that whomever donated the tainted product that infected Peter doesn't even know he has it." Dr. Brackett reached for his stethoscope to begin taking another set of vitals.

"You're right….I shouldn't have said it like that. I didn't mean it like it sounded." Immediately his mind rushed in reverse to the night he'd spoken so harshly to Chris about his negative comments about homosexual men.

Kel released the bulb on the blood pressure cuff then moved his stethoscope to the side of Roy's chest. "Ok…roll over a little….deep breath." Kel listened to Roy's lungs and then his heart. He removed his stethoscope from around his neck and folded it before placing it back into his bag. "I know you didn't mean it like that, Roy. There's not a judgmental bone in your body. You'd never mistreat anyone no matter what." He said with a smile as he checked Roy's pulse and respirations.

Kel's words stung Roy to his core. His words to Johnny echoed in his ears while the ice cold fingers of remorse clawed at his heart and ripped apart his soul. "Doc, I….I never told anyone but Johnny…..not even Joanne knows."

"And you're my patient, which means I won't be saying anything to anyone…..not Joanne and not Johnny." He clamped off the IV but left it in place. "But, I think she deserves to know what's had you so upset….don't you?"

Roy nodded knowing Kel was right. There was a lot he needed to talk to Joanne about; a lot he needed to apologize for. He also had a lot of soul searching to do. He needed to decide exactly how he felt about certain situations…including his true feelings related to his comments directed at his partner earlier.

"I just…..I don't know if I can explain it to her." His face drifted towards the window and away from the place where Dr. Brackett sat filling a syringe from a small glass vial. And Roy couldn't help but notice that he was gloveless.

"Shouldn't you be gloved up? I have a feeling that's for me." He nodded toward the syringe Dr. Brackett was now directing at his hip as he pulled the sheet back and ordered Roy to roll back onto his side.

"Normally, yes…..but I wanted you to see that I'm not afraid of your blood, Roy." Kel was glad that one of his star paramedics was being so attentive even in his condition. "Now… this should help with the nausea…..and help you rest as a side effect…..are you feeling any better?"

Roy licked his lips before answering. "Yea…a lot actually…..about the illness anyway." He clarified.

"Good…..now how about letting Joanne take you to the hospital for some observation and another round of drinks." He smiled pointing at the empty IV bag Johnny had duct taped to the wall. "Clever fella, huh?"

"Yea….he is…and ah….yea…I'll go. Not fair to Joanne to stay here and worry her."

Kel stood up with a huge smile. "Good….we'll have you feeling like your old self in no time. Probably need to stay off the next shift but you can return on the following one, deal?"

Roy lay there completely stunned. "You'd….you'll sign off for me to return to work after the next shift?"

"Sure….you're in good shape….just need to get your strength back and rest a while. Besides, an extra day with your wife to get everything talked through can't hurt either." He gave Roy a knowing wink.

For the first time in a very long time, Roy cracked a smile. He'd fully expected his trip to the hospital to be for a psychiatric consult but that's not what Kel had said. In fact, he'd never said a word about it during the entire time they'd been alone in the room. Realization dawned on his pale features. _He didn't tell him. Gage didn't tell him. _

"Why don't I go let Joanne and Johnny know you've agreed to go to Rampart. It'll probably be just overnight. I'd like to get some blood work and get some more fluids in you. We'll help you get in the car and I'll meet you there; can't have some new intern taking over care of one of my favorite patients." He smiled reaching for the door.

Joanne heard the door of the guest room open and turned to see Dr. Brackett walking down the hallway.

"Joanne..…he's ready to go to the hospital now. He needs more fluids and I'd like to keep an eye on him for a day or so just to make sure that whatever caused the nausea and vomiting has run its course. I'd like to run some blood tests on him too just to make sure nothing else is going on."

For the first time in a long while, Joanne felt the corners of her mouth turn upwards into a smile. "He….he agreed to go?"

Kel smiled and nodded affirmatively.

"Oh, thank you, Dr. Brackett….I'll..ah…I'll get him a bag packed and….." She hesitated before she continued. "Can I see him now?"

"Of course…..I think he'd like that." Kel smiled stepping out of the doorway and allowing an excited Joanne to rush towards her husband.

Johnny's lanky frame was easily seen through the kitchen window. Kel knew he'd need John's help to load Roy up and get him to Rampart. He also knew that something was off kilter between them.

Johnny heard the sound of the back door opening and expected to hear Joanne's voice offering him more coffee. Instead, he was greeted by the deep baritone of his medical director.

"Good job, Johnny."

"Huh…..maybe." He refused to turn around choosing instead to continue staring at the ground several feet beneath him while he laced his fingers together.

"No….the way I hear it…..the ole' Gage instinct worked again. You likely saved his life…and at the very least…...you saved Joanne the trauma of finding him passed out back here." Kel joined Johnny in his stance at the deck railing. "He's agreed to go to the hospital, John. Will you help me get in their car? He's still pretty weak."

Johnny looked up into the distance of the DeSoto backyard. "Yea…..yea I'll give ya a hand. Now?"

"The sooner the better. Joanne's packing him a bag." Kel turned sideways facing Johnny and propped his elbow on the railing. "This isn't like you, Johnny."

Dark eyes stared into Kel's blue ones. Johnny opened his mouth to speak but then quickly changed his mind. He picked up his cup pouring the contents into the backyard. "Just tired, Doc. Just tired." He walked into the house followed by Dr. Brackett. He placed his coffee cup in the sink and noticed the coffee pot was still on. He quickly unplugged it then motioned for Kel to take the lead down the hallway. He was in no mood to face Roy's wrath for whatever wrong he might have unknowingly committed….and Roy's last few words to him were still stabbing him sharply in his gut.


	21. Chapter 21

Humanity Is Vulnerable-21e

Joanne inhaled deeply then pushed open the door to the guest room. She watched Roy's adam's apple bobble as he tried to swallow looking up at her with pain-filled eyes.

"Jo?" He moaned stretching his neck so that he could see her better.

She opened her mouth to speak but found the task impossible in her current emotional state so instead she simply closed the door quickly and rushed to sit on the edge of the bed by his side. She felt him removing his arm from beneath the sheets; his clamped off IV still taped firmly in place. She watched through blurry eyes as he reached a shaky hand up to brush away the tears now spilling onto her cheeks – tears he knew were there because of him. His touch was light and she closed her eyes and drew in a ragged breath enjoying the feel of him reaching out to her.

"Sweet…heart….I'm so sorry." He cried weakly as she leaned her face into his touch. He watched her shaking her head slowly from side to side reaching up to hold his hand in hers carefully avoiding the IV site.

"No….'s my fault." She croaked out; her voice breaking up.

"Sshhh, please don't….cry." He begged. He hated to see her crying. "It'll be alright….we'll be alright." He corrected.

"I..love you." Joanne whispered leaning down to kiss him. "I'm gonna go pack some things for the hospital. Dr. Brackett's gone to get Johnny to help you into the car."

Roy nodded his understanding. "Joanne… Mathis… DeSoto…..I love you more today….than yesterday…"

"And I'll love you more tomorrow than I do today." She finished his sentence for him.

"Uh…will you….um….I need…pants." He could feel the Phenergan taking effect beginning to make him drowsy.

"Of course, be right back….I love you, Roy." She watched him smile as his weary eyes grew heavier and heavier.

"Love ….you." He replied.

She exited the door leaving it open as she was greeted by Dr. Brackett coming down the short hallway followed by Johnny.

"I'm gonna go get him some sweatpants and his slippers. I'll be right back."

"Ok. We'll go ahead and start getting him up then." Kel responded entering the room.

He directed his attention to Roy who was groggily watching them. "Well, let's see how you feel when we get you upright."

"Ok…Doc." Roy's voice was beginning to slur slightly and Kel smiled.

Johnny was eerily silent watching as Dr. Brackett took the lead. He watched as Kel pulled back the covers and heard him directing Roy to let them do the work. Johnny took the spot at Roy's head and reached underneath his shoulders to begin raising him up while Dr. Brackett pulled his legs to the edge of the bed. Between the two of them, they had Roy in a sitting position by the time Joanne returned with a pair of heather grey sweatpants and his brown slippers.

Roy heard the familiar voice echoing in his head, sounding like it was coming from a long distance away. He felt heavier than normal but wasn't concerned as he knew this was a normal reaction to the antiemetic. He also knew he'd be asleep soon. He then felt another familiar sensation – the arm of his partner reaching beneath his shoulders and lifting him up. He was still there; Johnny was still there helping him even after his harsh words to him earlier. He made a mental note to speak to him alone soon; that is….if Johnny would allow it. Roy knew he needed to apologize for his thoughtlessness but now wasn't the time and in front of their medical director wasn't the place.

"Ok, feeling dizzy or nauseated?" Dr. Brackett asked.

"A little lightheaded 's all."

"Just relax. We got you. We'll let the room settle down for you before we try to get you up."

Johnny remained behind Roy supporting him but he made no comment. He looked up as Joanne entered the room.

"Here you go. Got you some pants to wear and I brought your house slippers too." She said kneeling down in front of Roy carefully lifting first one foot and then the other and threading them into the appropriate pant legs. She left the sweat pants bunched up around his ankles while she placed his slippers on his feet noticing how cold they felt to her hands.

"Ok, Roy….let's get you standing so she can pull your pants on, alright?" Dr. Brackett directed.

"'K." He answered without opening his eyes.

"On three, guys…one, two, three."

Johnny listened for the count reaching under Roy's arm on his right side while Kel did the same on his left. Both men stood up slowly but in unison and as soon as Roy's hips were off the edge of the bed Joanne used a scooping motion to pull his pants on over his boxers.

"Ok…slowly Roy. There's no rush. Let us know if you feel like you're gonna go down." Kel ordered as the trio began to slowly trudge towards the open doorway.

Joanne hurriedly grabbed her purse and keys then opened the front door as the group of men made their way down the hallway; her plans to pack a bag completely forgotten.

Johnny felt Roy leaning into him more and more as they got closer to the front door. He'd assisted his partner before and knew exactly how to carry him. He'd never minded doing it and didn't mind it now but he still felt the ache in his heart from the jabs his partner had made at his personal life earlier. He and Roy had never talked in detail about their sex lives, except for that one conversation they'd shared in the cab of the squad the day they were checking fire extinguishers. Roy knew a lot about his dating habits but truthfully, he didn't know the details of Johnny's intimate encounters. Some things were too private to share even between best friends…..if in fact that's what they still were.

Joanne held the car door open as the small group made their way outside the house.

"Ok, lean into Johnny a little. I'm going to let you go so you can sit down, alright?"

"Ok." Roy managed to say feeling Johnny grip him a little tighter around his waist. He eased himself down into the passenger's seat knowing that Johnny wouldn't let him fall. _He's got me….he's always got me….. _Roy began mentally kicking himself yet again.

"Closing the door, Roy." Johnny said making sure his partner was far enough inside the vehicle so as not to be bumped by the door; especially since his IV hand was on that side.

"Thank you both….for everything." Joanne said walking around the front of the car heading to the driver's side.

"I'll lock up, Jo." Johnny offered.

"And I'll follow you to the ER." Kel countered.

Joanne smiled her appreciation while closing her door and cranking up the car.

Johnny watched as the two vehicles made their way out of the DeSoto drive and drove away in the direction of Rampart General Hospital. He hadn't told them he wasn't going to the hospital. But right now, he didn't feel very welcome there. He turned to head back inside. He'd strip the bed and put fresh linens on it. Then he'd wash up the coffee cups before he locked up the house and left. Afterwards, he planned on going home for some much needed rest. _I'll call the hospital later and check on him._

E!

Joanne pulled the sedan up to the emergency entrance. Shifting the car into park, she looked over at Roy whose head was leaning against the window, his eyes closed.

"Honey," she said softly, shaking his left arm gently. "Honey, we're here."

"Uurrmh." He grumbled forcing his heavy eyelids open and picking his head upright.

Two orderlies met Joanne as she exited her car. "Wheelchair or stretcher, Ma'am?"

Joanne looked at the speaker who was the taller of the two. "Wheelchair, please."

She continued on to the passenger's side of the car followed shortly by the two orderlies; one of them pushing a wheelchair in her direction.

"I'll find us a treatment room."

Joanne looked up to see Dr. Brackett walking past them and turning into the automatic doors. "Roy, these guys are gonna help you into the wheelchair. Dr. Brackett's getting us a room."

She backed out of the way of the two men who made quick work of assisting Roy out of the car and into the wheelchair. She walked ahead of them into the emergency department and saw Dr. Brackett standing inside the doorway of treatment room one looking for them.

Joanne entered first and smiled at nurse Carol Williams. "Hello, Ms. Williams."

"Hello….I hear Roy isn't feeling well."

"No….he isn't, I'm afraid." She turned then at the sound of the wheelchair being pushed through the doors.

"Mrs. DeSoto, will you go take care of the paperwork at the admissions desk while we get started in here? I'll come and get you when Dr. Brackett is finished with his examination." Her caring voice was perfect for her profession and Joanne appreciated that as well as the supportive way she placed her arm around Joanne as she led her towards the door.

"Uh, Carol that won't be necessary. Joanne, you can come on back in as soon as you finish the paper work."

Carol looked at Dr. Brackett with a bit of confusion but released her arm from Joanne's shoulder and turned to begin taking Roy's vitals.

"Thank you, Dr. Brackett."

Kel looked at Joanne briefly with a smile then returned his attention to the man who lay on the examination table. Feeling he owed Carol some sort of explanation he forged ahead telling her what had happened while he examined Roy's pupils, ears and throat.

"He's been sick for over twenty-four hours now with nausea and vomiting. Johnny started an IV on him so he's already had one bag of D5W." He pointed at Roy's right hand which Carol had just pulled from beneath the sheet with a stunned expression on her pretty ebony features. "I made a house call a little while ago and gave him a dose of Phenergan."

Carol nodded understanding now why Roy was semi-conscious. She pulled open a drawer and retrieved a pair of rubber gloves. She, like all the others in the hospital, stilled struggled at times to remember to glove up for every patient. One thing she was familiar with though was the fact that Dr. Brackett ordered complete blood counts on most patients so she was preparing to draw his blood even before the order was given.

"Carol, I want a CBC on him please and start him on another bag of D5W." He turned his attention to Roy. "Roy….you with me?"

"Yea." Roy's eyes fluttered and Kel was glad to see him able to focus under the bright lights of the exam room.

"Ok…I need you to open your mouth for me so I can look at your throat. Have you been vomiting up any blood?" Dr. Brackett asked as Roy heard the distinct sound of rubber gloves snapping against flesh.

"Um….don't think so." He mumbled then opened his mouth; the feel of the dry tongue depressor on the back of his tongue making him gag.

"Hurgg." Roy blinked his eyes rapidly pushing back the tears created from his sudden dry heave and wincing from the soreness of his overworked abdominal muscles.

"Oh, sorry….just trying to see as deeply as I can." Kel removed the depressor and clicked off his pen light. "I don't see any damage."

Roy smacked his tongue inside his mouth trying to wet it again after the invasion from the thin piece of wood. "Water?"

"Sure…small sip only." Kel turned to the sink and quickly filled a small cup assisting Roy up enough to swallow the refreshing liquid. "Better?"

"Yea."

"You're vitals have improved a little since Johnny began taking them." Dr. Brackett looked again at the piece of paper he'd retrieved from the bedside table earlier. "You're blood pressure is still a little too low and your pulse is still a little too high."

"Which means…..I'm still a little…too dry?" Roy quipped.

Kel couldn't stop the snicker that escaped; this was the first sign of the old Roy he'd seen and he was grateful for it. "Yea….something like that."

He turned to Carol who was just hanging another IV bag. "Let's get him settled into a room for observation."

"Certainly, Dr. Brackett. I'll drop his blood work off at the lab and then call upstairs to get him a room."

"Thank you." He smiled at his efficient assistant. He patted Roy's shoulder and noticed the man once again opened his eyes. "Try to rest. Joanne is getting your paper work completed. We'll have you in a room soon."

"Thanks, Doc…..I mean that…I really appreciate what you're doing…..what you've already done."

"Hey, we're all a part of the Rampart family….we take care of each other." He smiled again as he lowered the lights and exited the room.

Joanne pulled her purse onto her shoulder a little tighter as she stood up from the admissions desk. She turned to walk back to treatment room one and gasped at what she saw. Her eyes widened and her hand flew up to her mouth in shock.

E!

Kel walked out of the room and turned to his right where he saw his grey-haired colleague in full personal protective equipment from head to toe. He walked over as Joe began pulling off the face shield and blue garments and placing them in a red plastic wastebasket followed by Dixie who was dressed similarly and mimicking his actions.

"Another one?"

"Afraid so…female, age 27, heroin overdose brought in by 36's. I'm ordering an autopsy but I have no doubt. I suspect Karposi's Sarcoma from the lesions we saw." Joe removed his gloves pulling them into a tight ball before depositing them in the designated container.

"She looked like a skeleton." Dixie said forlornly.

"So was it the heroin that killed her?" Kel asked.

"That's my assumption….we'll know more after the autopsy….but I don't think she had a lot of time left anyway." Joe turned to Dixie. "Let's go scrub up."

At the other end of the hallway, Joanne watched in horror as Dr. Early and Dixie walked out of a room looking like colorful aliens from an episode of "Star Trek." She walked slowly past the chairs in the waiting room when two more similarly dressed individuals stepped out of the elevator and walked into the same room. She stood cemented in place until a few minutes later when the two aliens re-emerged from the room pushing a gurney. She had no idea that the body beneath the sheet had been deposited inside two body bags as a precaution. The pair pushed the gurney in the direction which she knew led to the morgue and her breath caught in her throat. She thought again just how close she'd come to being widowed a few hours ago because of how close Roy had come to taking his own life.

Suddenly, another thought crossed her mind. Dr. Brackett hadn't mentioned it to her at all. The only thing he'd mentioned was talking Roy into coming to Rampart for fluids and blood work. _Didn't Johnny tell him? No….he wouldn't have because Roy would be fired. _"Oh, Johnny…." She whispered behind closed eyes. "It's up to you and me then…."

She started to walk to the room where Roy was temporarily receiving treatment but walked past the payphone bank and thought about her mother. She fished inside her purse and pulled out enough coins for a quick phone call. She listened to the clinking sound they made and waited to hear the dial tone. Her fingers made quick work of punching in the numbers and she waited for her mother to answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Mom, uh…Roy's at Rampart now."

"Oh goodness….is he being admitted?" Louise could hear the fatigue in her daughter's voice.

"Yes….just for more fluids and observation. Dr. Brackett said he might be able to be released tomorrow and he should only miss one shift." She said sounding relieved.

"Well, I've had a good talk with Chris, dear. I think it'll be good for him if I bring the kids to visit for just a little while. Chris…well, he needs to see for himself that his Dad's ok and…..and that the two of you are together." She didn't want to add to Joanne's burden but she did want her to understand that it wasn't just the DeSoto adults who were hurting.

"You…uh…you'd do that? I know Chris is upset. I'd hoped to have a chance to talk to him about everything but it just never seemed to be the right time, you know?"

"Yes, I know…and yes, I'd do that…..for Chris and for Roy." She held the receiver in her hand looking at the back of Chris' head as he lay on the sofa watching an old episode of "The Six Million Dollar Man" with Jennifer. Neither child had heard her conversation.

"Oh Mom….I love you. See you in a little while." Joanne heard the automated voice come on her end stating 'please deposit twenty-five cents' so she hurriedly finished the conversation and hung up the phone. She took a deep cleansing breath then headed back to join her husband.

E!

Johnny returned to the kitchen of the DeSoto home and washed the coffee cups. He cleaned out the coffee pot and then noticed the nearly dead flowers standing haphazardly in the vase on the kitchen table. He'd cleaned up the water from the floor and table yesterday but he couldn't help but stare at the vase. _I know how ya feel, roses. Got slapped around when all ya meant to do was help. _ He considered tossing them into the trash but it wasn't his place to do that. Those roses had been purchased by Roy for Joanne and whatever happened to them was in their hands. He turned left and walked down the hallway, stopping first at the linen closet to remove clean sheets for the guest bed. He yawned and wobbled against the wall as the fatigue of the previous shift began to weigh heavy on him. He was glad for all the times Cap had assigned him dorms for chores. All the practice would help him make quick work of stripping and making the bed so he could get home and into his own bed. But thinking about the dorm chores also reminded him that he needed to update Captain Stanley on Roy's condition.

He used his elbow to push open the guest room door and laid the linens down in the chair. He stepped over to the bed and began stripping it when his foot kicked something unexpected. Looking down between the bed and night stand he saw Dr. Brackett's leather medical bag.

"Shit!" He blurted out, glad that he was alone in the house. He knew he'd need to return it to the hospital before he'd be able to go home and sleep. He pulled the bag out of the way and finished making the bed. He carried the dirty linens to the laundry room placing them in the hamper before returning to retrieve Dr. Brackett's bag. He stopped by the phone in the kitchen preferring to call his superior from the DeSoto's rather than wait until he got home. He lifted the receiver and dialed the number.

"Stanley residence." The female voice answered.

"Hey Mrs. Stanley, this is John. Is Cap available?"

"I'm sorry, John. He's run to the hardware store for a minute. Can I take a message or have him call you when he gets back?"

"Uh….yea…yes ma'am. Would you let him know that Roy is feeling better but he's at Rampart overnight for observation? He'll probably be released tomorrow. Um, Dr. Brackett said he'd miss the next shift so he'll need a replacement but it should only be for the one shift." He finished with another yawn.

"Sure, John. I'll let him know. Thank you for calling." Mrs. Stanley said in her normal pleasant voice.

"Yes, ma'am. G'bye." He hung up the phone feeling a bit dizzy from exhaustion. He thought about the ride to Rampart before he could go home and decided that the DeSoto sofa was looking very inviting at the moment. _Just a quick power nap….that's all I need. _He toed off his shoes and curled up on his side falling asleep in record time.

Forty-five minutes later, he bolted upright in a full blown panic. He gulped diving over the back of the sofa barely touching the floor on his way to the back door…certain that the sound of a gunshot had awoken him. _Oh fuck no….can't be…NO! _He swore pulling back on the locked doorknob straining his wrist in the process. He finally unlocked the door even though his wrist was burning continuing his mental panicked rant then stood frozen on the DeSoto back deck. His knees buckled and he collapsed to the hard wooden surface feeling the coolness beneath his palms and the streams of sweat surging down his temples on their way to his heaving chest. _Goddamn dream….just a fucking stupid-ass nightmare. _He alternately held his breath and then blew it out in an effort to prevent the hyperventilation he could feel beginning. The tingling eventually faded as he calmed down his rapid breathing and replayed the events of the morning. _It didn't happen…..he's at Rampart…Joanne is with him…..he didn't do it…..he didn't do it…. _Finally, his pulse returned to near normal and he managed to push himself into a vertical position, hands on his hips, staring at the place where he'd found Roy that morning; found him unconscious and weak, but alive. He scrubbed his face with both open palms and then looked at the spot again. It was still empty further confirming that what he'd heard had only been in a dream. He exhaled hard feeling the ache in his tightened shoulder muscles then returned inside the house locking the door behind him.

He sat down on the sofa picking up his hiking boots and pulling them on. His fingers didn't want to cooperate with his brain initially and it took extra effort to tie them. Once he'd redressed completely he reached for the medical bag then secured the lock on the front door on his way out.

It only took him about ten minutes to drive the distance to Rampart. He wheeled in a little too fast and brought his rover to a quick stop at the entrance to the emergency room. Wiping his forehead with the back of his hand again, he leaped out snagging the medical bag and rushing inside.

"Moonlighting, Gage?"

"Huh? Oh…yea right." He mumbled at the young orderly who was joking with him about carrying around a medical bag. He walked quickly to the nurse's station where he plopped the medical bag on the counter in front of the nurse in charge.

Dixie looked up suddenly at the image of something brown being dropped in front of her. "Well, Tiger….didn't know you'd gone back to school?"

Johnny ignored her teasing. "Um, Doc left this at Roy's house and I was just bringing it back for.."

"Geez, didn't even realize I'd left it!"

Johnny turned around without finishing his sentence and saw Dr. Brackett, without his lab coat, looking like he was ready to leave….again.

"Oh, I found it in the bedroom where Roy was…thought I'd bring it back to you." He said offering the bag to Dr. Brackett and wincing at the strain on his wrist.

Kel took it from him noticing how weary the young paramedic appeared to be. "Johnny..…you got a minute? I'd like to talk to you if I could."

"Well, actually…I'm really beat and.."

"It'll just take a minute." Kel pressured.

Johnny knew he really had no choice. "Sure, Doc." He said turning and heading to Dr. Brackett's office leaving behind a very curious Dixie McCall.

E!

"Hello, can you tell me which room Roy DeSoto is in, please?"

The red haired receptionist looked up at the older woman standing before her. She smiled genuinely at the young blonde haired girl standing to her right and then saw the sadness in the face of the young teenaged boy on her left. "Yes ma'am." She opened up her file and began scanning the pages following the lines with the long iridescent fingernail of her right index finger. "Ah, he's in room 317." She noted the hand written name in the column indicating he'd been admitted after the census had been printed that morning.

"Thank you." Louise held Jennifer's hand while placing a guiding hand on Chris' back. They walked to the elevators where Jennifer rushed forward eager to push the button with the upward arrow on it.

The doors opened and the three entered turning around to face the closing doors.

"I press the three, right, Grandma?"

Louise smiled down at the child who reminded her so much of her own daughter at that age. "Yes…that's right." She smiled at Chris who was staring forward blankly.

Joanne sat staring at Roy while he slept; grateful for second chances and for good friends. That thought made her wonder why Johnny hadn't arrived yet. She glanced at her watch realizing they'd been at Rampart for nearly two hours already when a soft knock brought a smile to her face. She walked quietly across the room not wanting to disturb her husband and opened the door expecting to see Roy's dark haired handsome partner.

"Mom? Kids!" She whispered loudly, grasping the two DeSoto children in a warm embrace. She kissed the tops of their heads then looked into the eyes of her mother…..noticing how watery they were becoming.

"Is Daddy a'right?"

Joanne snickered at the way Jennifer had picked up Johnny's pronunciation of the word 'alright' and smiled at her daughter. "Yes, Jenny." She whispered. "He's going to be fine. The medicine has made him sleepy but he hasn't gotten sick anymore."

"The kids are getting hungry and I'm sure you are too, Jo-baby. Why don't the three of you go down to the cafeteria and eat while I sit with Roy?" Louise hoped that Joanne understood her meaning.

"I am a little hungry….haven't eaten all day." Joanne announced. She understood completely that the kids needed some time with her and needed to hear her tell them that everything was going to be fine at home.

The three of them had barely made it to the elevators when Roy began to stir. "J..Jo?"

Louise walked over to the bed and laid a gentle hand on Roy's shoulder. "She and the kids have gone to get a bite to eat, Roy. They'll be back soon. Can I get you anything?"

Roy was stunned into complete silence. _Ohmygod…..I did do it….and now I'm in hell!_


	22. Chapter 22

Humanity Is Vulnerable-22e

"Have a seat, Johnny." Dr. Brackett gestured toward the empty chairs in front of his desk while he sat on the nearest corner, arms crossed.

Johnny ran a nervous hand through his hair then sat in the chair nearest the door. "What's this all about, Doc?"

Kel hesitated, eyeing suspiciously the young man who sat in front of him. "Well, to be quite honest, I'm not sure."

Johnny couldn't stop his eyebrows from knitting together in confusion as his chin dropped leaving his mouth gaping open. "Huh?"

Kel stood up walking slowly toward the window and gazing out at nothing in particular as he spoke. "Obviously, I'm missing something, Johnny." He turned around to face the young paramedic so he could see his reaction.

"Uh….me too….I guess."

"Something's happened that you're not telling me about." He tried to put his hands in the pockets of his lab coat only to realize he wasn't wearing it. Johnny wasn't the only one battling fatigue. He folded his arms across his chest again before he continued. "You two are barely speaking now…..and when you do, it seems to be with invisible barbs. Is there something going on or is there something wrong that I might need to know about?" Kel couldn't shake the feeling hatching in his gut that he was witnessing the demise of one of the best paramedic duos in the country.

Johnny felt his mouth grow dry and sticky in an instant. He hung his head trying to hide his expressive face that had betrayed him too many times in the past. He carefully chose his words so as not to reveal too much while still being honest with his medical director. His dark eyes looked up beneath his long lashes as Dr. Brackett's azure gaze pinned him to his seat. "Yea." He whispered. "Yea but….it's nothing to worry about now, a'right?"

Kel didn't believe Johnny for one minute. He realized quickly that his question had not been fully answered but he knew better than to push because truthfully, unless whatever was going on impacted their ability to perform their jobs then he had no right to intervene. However, that little hatchling in his gut was beginning to gnaw on his insides. _He may not be lying but he damn sure isn't telling me the whole truth._

"Very well….I'm just a concerned friend." Kel stood up from his perch.

"I know…..and I appreciate it. I really do." Johnny said extending his hand and trying his best to hide the pain in the firm handshake he received. _Shit! Gotta ice it. _He thought to himself feeling the throb in his aching wrist.

Johnny pulled open the door inhaling the sickening antiseptic smell that assaulted his nose and seemed to settle in his brain and along his spine. The odor was so harsh he was sure he could taste it. Looking for the source, his eyes came to rest on the housekeeping cart parked outside of treatment room two. The door was slightly opened and he could see a tall person, covered from head to toe in pale blue garments with matching gloves and a face shield, mopping the floor. _What the fuck?_

E!

Joanne helped Jenny remove her food from her tray then stacked all three trays together and placed them on the edge of the table. She passed Chris the ketchup knowing he wouldn't eat his French fries without first drowning them in the crimson condiment.

"Thanks." He mumbled propping his elbow on the edge of the table, chin in hand.

"Mommy, when's Daddy gonna go home?"

Joanne looked at her beautiful blue-eyed princess. "Soon, sweetheart. Since he hasn't been able to eat without getting sick, Dr. Brackett is giving him some fluid and medicine in his vein. He'll be fine and heading home maybe tomorrow."

Jennifer looked at her brother, confused by his seeming lack of concern for their father, then leaned her head against her mother's shoulder. "I'm not hungry anymore." She said softly, barely articulating her thoughts.

Joanne had taken only a few bites of her chicken salad but she placed her fork on her napkin beside her plate and looked at the sad faces of her children. _Roy….what've we done to our babies? _She wrapped her arm around Jennifer pulling her closer to her side then reached beneath the table grabbing Chris' hand; the hand that wasn't supporting the weight of his head. Surprisingly, he didn't pull it back but allowed her to hold onto him. He refused to look at her and she could feel the trembling in her grip unable to tell if it was Chris' hand or her own…..or perhaps both.

"Chris…Jenny….I want you both to look at me." She felt Jennifer lifting her chin and knew the girl was being obedient. "Chris….you too." She waited until their eyes met before she continued. "Your father and I love you both very, very much. And I want you to understand clearly that he and I love each other very, very much too." She glanced down at the watery eyes of her daughter squeezing her a little tighter then returned her gaze to the young man who reminded her so much of her husband. "We've been arguing a little bit lately but it has nothing to do with the two of you. Nothing. We're getting our differences settled like we should've done a long time ago. Now, he's getting out tomorrow most likely and he'll rest up a day or two and then he'll go back to work with Uncle Johnny and everything will be just like it's always been." The mention of Johnny's name reminded her that she hadn't seen or heard from him since they'd left their house a couple of hours earlier.

"Chris said you're gettin' a divorce."

"Did not!" Chris shot his sister an angry glare then sat up straighter in his chair.

Jennifer hid her face against her mother's shoulder and began to sob. The sound of her cries mixed with the forlorn looks she'd seen on the faces of both her children nearly ripped Joanne's heart right out of her chest. "Look at me, Jenny. I understand why Chris thought that." She squeezed his hand for emphasis to let him know she wasn't upset by his comment. "But, that isn't going to happen, ok?"

Jennifer sniffled and wiped her face on Joanne's sleeve. "Promise, Mommy?"

"I promise." She smiled looking into the blue eyes she'd inherited from her father. She then looked over at Chris who appeared to be sulking and gave his hand another quick squeeze.

Chris lifted his chin knowing that this was a signal for him to look at her.

"I promise, Chris." She was relieved when, even though he didn't return her smile, he did quickly swipe at the corner of his eye with his free hand, released her grip on his other and dove into the cheeseburger and fries on the plate in front of him. _Atta boy, Chris….eat up, baby boy!_

_E!_

Roy felt completely paralyzed by the vision in front of him. He knew he should say something but at the moment nothing came to mind…..at least nothing he could repeat out loud in front of his mother-in-law.

"Roy…..are you feeling nauseated again?" Louise didn't wait for an answer. She quickly rushed into the bathroom and wet a washcloth then returned and began carefully wiping Roy's stunned face. "There's an emesis basin right here if you need it."

"Uh….no….ah…Joanne?" He stuttered out finally, still wearily moving his eyes around the room. He thought it looked like a private room at Rampart but he couldn't be sure with his present company standing by his bedside.

"She took the kids to the cafeteria to eat. They were hungry and she hadn't eaten all day either." Louise looked into his sky blue eyes and saw a mix of confusion and hurt and perhaps even a little fear. "She's been so upset and worried about you, Roy."

Roy gulped, not sure what to say. Finally, his brain kicked in again. "I…I thought the kids were staying with you for a week?"

Louise smiled down at him and folded the cloth setting it on the small bed tray. "They were…well, they are." She reached down pulled the bed linens up around him tucking him in. She saw the look on his face and again regretted her behavior for the last fifteen years. "They needed to see you and I thought it might make you feel better to see them."

"Yea…I'd like that." _Them…I'd like to see them…..not you, you ol' ding bat! _Roy's mind took him back to the note Joanne had written him. He knew that Louise knew Jo had left him and somehow he couldn't help feeling like she was here to gloat over the fact…..or perhaps ensure that Joanne's return to Roy was only temporary. He tried to roll over to turn his back to her but his arm got tangled up in the IV tubing.

Louise saw what was happening and she knew exactly what he was doing. In the past, she'd have allowed him to turn away and truthfully, she didn't blame him now for trying. But, today was different; their lives were different. And now, Louise Mathis had to come clean with her son-in-law.

"Roy," she reached for the tubing helping him disentangle himself. "I really need to talk to you." She watched as Roy rolled his eyes and knew she deserved it.

"Congratulations, Louise….you won."

She didn't try to hide the hurt in her eyes. Whatever insults he felt like throwing her way were more than deserved and she'd take them. "I'm not talking about winning and losing, Roy. I need to explain some things to you…..and I need for you to listen….….please?"

Roy huffed loudly. He was being held captive by his wife's mother and he had no choice but to listen to whatever it was she was going to slam him with. "I know, Louise….I'm not good enough for your daughter. I don't make enough money. I really suck at being a father. I'm the worst excuse for a son-in-law you've ever met. How'm I doin' so far?"

"You're 'O' for four, Roy. Want to try again?"

"Nope…..I'm sure there's plenty more failures on that list of yours for me. Why don't you save us both the trouble and just spit them out. Not like I'm goin' anywhere." He knew he was being disrespectful but the bantering between them seemed to be energizing and right now he needed all the energy he could muster.

"Ok….I deserved that." She sat back down in the chair beside his bed. This was going to be hard enough without looking him eye to eye. She took a deep cleansing breath then began.

E!

Johnny continued walking slowly down the hallway in the emergency room, passing the offending cart and unknown mopping entity. He realized that housekeeping was cleaning up after treating another HIV patient and his stomach clenched into a tight knot. Roy was worried about being infected with the virus and passing it on to Joanne. Johnny had mentioned that fact to Dr. Brackett who hadn't seemed too worried about the possibility even though Peter had contracted it from the blood supply. He then thought about his own personal encounters over the years. Roy had hurled some very cruel remarks his way in the last twenty-four hours. Johnny hadn't wanted to admit how badly they hurt but they went far deeper than Roy could've known or ever intended. He hung his head forcing back the emotions he thought he'd hidden long ago and turned toward the automatic doors when he heard voices he recognized. He turned back to catch a glimpse of Joanne and the kids walking toward the elevator. He turned away before they had a chance to see him staring at them but he wasn't quick enough to get away from the line of sight of a certain eight year old girl.

"Uncle Johnny!"

He heard the unmistakable squeal and turned back to the trio in time to see blonde pigtails bouncing towards him. "Hey, kiddo." He said bending down to intercept the bundle of energy.

Jennifer pulled back from him looking at him with a dark face. "Daddy's sick."

Johnny felt his heart ripping open a little. He was quickly thrown back to the day he had to tell Pam Burke that Drew had died from injuries he'd sustained in a traffic accident. He remembered kneeling down in front of her and their tiny tow-headed daughter just the way he was kneeling down in front of Jennifer DeSoto now. He gulped around the lump in his throat realizing just how close Jennifer had come to losing her precious Daddy….and how close he'd come to losing another friend…..his best friend. He caressed her pigtails gently as he spoke into those familiar crystal blue eyes. "I know, sweetheart but the doctors and nurses here are making him feel better and he'll be home soon, ok?"

"I told her that too but I think she believes it more coming from you."

Johnny looked up at Joanne and for the first time she could see the dark circles underneath his chocolate eyes….eyes that looked like they belonged on a sad stray puppy more so than on John Gage.

Johnny looked back at Jennifer. "Now kiddo….you know that you're Mommy wouldn't tell you something that wasn't true. He's gonna be a'right, ok?"

"Then in a few days he'll be back at work with you?" Chris asked after being strangely quiet.

Johnny looked up at Chris. "That's right….he'll be well enough to return on shift."

"He's probably awake now and ready for some company." Joanne gave Johnny a pleading look. "Mom's with him."

_Damn, that won't help him feel any better. _"Ah, I wish I could but..ah..I really need to get some sleep before I pass out. I..well, I've been up too long and I…uh….I wouldn't be very good company, I'm afraid." Johnny stuttered standing up slowly.

Joanne knew he was exhausted but she also knew that no amount of fatigue could keep Johnny away from Roy…at least until now. She didn't understand but she accepted his explanation. "Ok, I'll tell him you were here."

"Yea….do that please. Tell him I'll….uh…I'll see him later, ok?"

Joanne nodded her agreement as she placed her hands on the backs of her children and turned them toward the elevators. Johnny turned his lanky frame around and stepped through the automatic doors making quick strides towards his rover….and a quick ride home.

E!

"Roy, I've known you since you were a little boy. I watched you grow up. You know a lot of things about the Mathis family…but I've never told you about how my relationship with Joel impacted my relationship with you."

Roy opened his eyes wider, not sure he'd heard her correctly. "So the reason you hate me has to do with Joanne's father?"

Louise hugged herself and leaned forward slightly. She knew this was going to be harder than she had initially thought but she knew it had to be done.

"Let me give you some history, Roy….then I think…well, at least I hope, that you'll understand. Joel and I married in June after I graduated from high school. That was back at the beginning of the war and shortly after the wedding he enlisted in the Army. He was stationed in England when I realized I was pregnant with Lorraine. I thought my symptoms were just the stress of having a husband in a war zone so it wasn't until I was nearly half way through my pregnancy that I went to see a doctor." She stared at the peak where his toes stood up beneath the blankets while she continued.

"I had to tell him that he was going to be a father in a letter, Roy." She didn't look up; didn't see the emotion now displayed on Roy's face as he listened to her pouring out her heart to him for the first time.

"I..I'm sorry, Louise. I can't imagine what that must've been like."

She pulled the corners of her mouth slightly into something akin to a smile. "It was awful. But the worst part was going through the remainder of the pregnancy and the delivery alone. I mean, I had my family there but family doesn't replace a husband. He should've been there to celebrate the birth of our first child with me but he wasn't. He missed out on that. She was a week old before he even knew she'd been born and three months old before he ever saw her."

Roy watched as she dabbed at her eyes with her fingers and he reached over to the nightstand and passed her the box of tissues. He really didn't know what to say so he remained quiet.

She graciously accepted the box and pulled a few out to dry her eyes. "Thank you. Later, when he returned home, he was such a good father. It broke my heart to know what he'd missed; and what we'd missed together. I really needed him during my labor….all twenty-three hours of it…and he wasn't there – couldn't be there. He had trouble finding a job when he first returned. He drove a cab for a while. We didn't have much money, of course…..but money wasn't important. We had what we needed and we had each other. A few years later, he felt like we needed more money and he told me he was going to re-enlist. By then the war was over but that didn't mean another one wouldn't start, you know?"

Roy nodded in agreement; he was still amazed by the conversation taking place between them.

"Anyway, he was determined to do it until I told him that he was going to be a father again." She smiled at the memory. "That really helped him make up his mind to remain a civilian. He was so good to me during my pregnancy and this time he was there for the birth. Joanne was such a beautiful baby and he was so proud." Louise's mind drifted back to the day Joanne was born and remembered the way Joel's face at lit up as he held his baby daughter for the first time. "He brought me two dozen roses later that day; one for each daughter since he wasn't able to be there when Lorraine was born."

Roy's mind also drifted back to the day Chris had been born. He remembered climbing into the bed with Joanne and holding her through each contraction. He had never thought about what it would've been like for Joanne to have gone through that alone but he also never thought about what he would've missed had he not been there. He remembered both of them being calmer when Jennifer was born because they knew what to expect. His features mellowed as his mind drifted in and out of the past and a distant smile appeared on his pale face. "I sent Jo a dozen roses when Chris and Jennifer were born." He mused softly.

"I remember….brought back good memories for me too." She smiled at him genuinely. "We were so happy then….at least for the next eight years. He'd found a job working in construction. We bought a house. We were living the American dream. The swing he put up in the back yard for the girls was such a wonderful day; one of the happiest days of our lives…..and unfortunately, one of the last."

"How long from that day until the day he died?" Roy asked, knowing where the conversation was headed.

"Two weeks. Two weeks later he fell to his death from the fourth floor of a building he and his crew were working on." She pulled a few more tissues from the box and blotted her smearing make-up.

It was the first time Roy could ever remember when she didn't look completely perfect. Her pain was palpable in the room and he couldn't help but feel it. "That must have been really hard for you? Louise, I've never said it before, but you did an amazing job raising the girls alone."

Louise felt her lower lip tremble uncontrollably. She reached out to grasp his hand without looking in his direction; knowing that if their eyes met she'd lose what little control she had over her emotions and wouldn't be able to finish the story she desperately needed to tell him. She was relieved when his larger, warmer hand returned her gesture and held hers…giving her the strength to continue.

"Joel wasn't there to teach the girls to drive, see them go on their first dates, proms or graduations. He wasn't there to walk Joanne down the aisle when the two of you got married. I cried many bitter tears that day; not because the two of you were getting married but because Joel wasn't there. I was crying for what he was missing; crying for what Joanne was missing." She sniffled.

Roy was listening intently to every word she uttered. He began to realize what was happening and understanding tiptoed into his heart.

"The day you left for Vietnam was a horrible day, Roy. Joanne cried for three days straight and so did I. Not only were we worried about you returning to us safe and healthy but…."

"You were worried she might be pregnant." Roy finished the sentence for her when her voice faltered momentarily.

Louise rested her elbow on the arm of the chair and lowered her forehead to rest on the tips of her fingers. She could only nod her head affirmatively for several seconds until she regained her composure. "I held my breath for several weeks until I knew she wasn't but Roy…..I never told her my fears. I didn't want to worry her any more than she already was, you know?"

Roy remembered the day he had to leave his new wife and head to the other side of the world. He had known that he might never see her again but honestly, he'd never thought about what it would've been like if she'd been pregnant.

"I was relieved when you returned safe and sound. Then not long after, you announced that you were joining the fire department and that night she also confided in me that she thought she might be pregnant, well….I just…..just…" She sniffed again and cursed under her breath. "Damn…..it was like I was watching my daughter, my precious Jo-Baby, living my life! It broke my heart, Roy. I felt like I died a little that day. I mean, I was so excited at the prospect of being a grandmother but I was also hurting because I didn't want my baby girl to be a widow at a young age like I was….can you…understand that?" She looked up with red-rimmed eyes and tears streaming down her face. Her mascara was leaving black smudges around her eyes but for the first time, Roy looked at his mother-in-law and didn't see a monster looking back at him.

"I was so afraid that you'd get killed on the job….just like Joel….and.." Her breath hitched in her throat causing her to gulp. "I know now….that it can still happen….but…..I know that you're happy in your career choice. You're good at what you do….from what I hear, you and Johnny are one of the best teams ever. What I'm trying to say, Roy….is that I'm proud of you. Proud of the husband you are to my daughter; proud of the father you are to my grandchildren; proud of the way you provide for your family; I'm….I…."

Roy watched Louise pull both her hands up to cover her face as her shoulders shook. He could hear her gut-wrenching sobs and felt helpless. The backs of his eyes began to sting and he reached out a shaky hand barely touching the back of her head. "I…I get it, Louise." He croaked out.

Louise couldn't believe what she was hearing. After the way she had behaved for the entire time Joanne and Roy had been married, he was telling her he understood. She stood up, albeit on weak knees, and stepped closer to his bedside. She reached out a loving hand and caressed his face seeing him swallow at the feel of her touch; his crystal eyes searching her soul. "Roy…..I don't expect an answer now but please know how sorry I am and I hope that one day….someday….you'll be able to forgive me…please?"

Roy swallowed around the lump in his throat. "This whole thing has really made me realize what's important and what isn't. People….people are important…and that includes you too, Louise. I don't need days to think about it…..I do forgive you. And I'm grateful to you for sharing this with me…I hope….well, I hope we can be more of a family unit from now on."

Louise reached down and hugged him; nearly collapsing into his chest when she felt his strong arms envelop her. She buried her head into his shoulder and allowed herself to cry a bit longer; the release feeling remarkably cathartic. She pulled back reaching for more tissues. She dried her eyes and blew her nose with a nervous giggle; excitement swirling with relief from letting go of a burden she'd carried for far too long.

"Does Jo know?"

Louise looked at her son-in-law and saw trepidation growing on his pale features. She knew he was wondering why his wife had never shared this with him; why she hadn't explained why her mother had not gotten along well with him all these years. "Bits and pieces…..certainly not all that I've shared with you today. Perhaps…..well, perhaps it's time she knew, huh?"

"Yea….it would help her put all the pieces together."

"Soon, Roy…..you and Jo work things out first…..then I promise to go over everything with her. She has a right to know. She deserves to know. I'm not making excuses for how I've behaved but as long as there's still breath in us then there's time to set things straight."

They were still holding hands without either one realizing it, when there was a soft knock on the door and it creaked open. A small set of blue eyes peaked inside. "Daddy's awake!"

"Hello, Princess." Roy managed as Louise pulled away from him allowing Jennifer access to her father.

Chris and Joanne followed closely behind her. Jennifer crawled up into the awaiting arms of her father, careful to avoid the tubing attached to his right hand. Roy leaned his head down and kissed the top of her head as she snuggled in closer to his chest. He reached out a trembling arm toward his son waiting patiently for Chris to decide that Roy really did love him dearly. Roy watched Chris take the first tentative step toward him and he waited. Soon Chris closed the gap remaining between them and fell into place behind his sister allowing his father's strong arm to embrace him.

"I love you guys." Roy whispered hoarsely forcing the words out amid his tears. "Everything's gonna be alright, kids." He pulled them just a little tighter. "Everything."

Joanne watched the scene play out before her and felt a swirling of emotions overtaking her at once. She walked over to the bedside and watched Roy reach out to her pulling her into the family embrace. She lost control of her emotions then and allowed the cleansing sobs she'd held in check to finally escape. She felt the kids begin to squirm between them but was determined to hold them protectively in place. They all needed to feel it. When she opened her eyes she realized that the squirming was simply the children adjusting to Roy's movements…..he'd reached out to Louise and had invited her to join in the family hug…and invitation she had graciously accepted. Joanne's heart leaped inside her chest and for the first time in a very long time, she felt truly happy and fulfilled.


	23. Chapter 23

Warning: Strong language

Humanity Is Vulnerable-23e

Johnny revved up his rover and peeled out of the parking lot. He had to hurry or he'd be late for shift again. He felt like a heel; he'd called Dixie yesterday and found out that Roy was being released later that afternoon. He seemed to be doing better, eating and maintaining a bit of food on a bland diet. Joanne had never left his side and his mother-in-law had kept the kids at the DeSoto home the previous night. She'd planned to stay until Roy got released. 'Felt like the kids needed to see him at home,' or something like that he recalled Dixie saying. The conversation was cut short due to a patient being brought in with a probable myocardial infarction. However, before the heart attack patient had arrived, he'd been able to glean enough information to deduce that Roy and Joanne were making amends and they'd wanted the kids to see them getting along well before they left to spend a week with Mrs. Mathis. He knew he should've gone to the hospital to check on Roy, or at least he should've called him. He'd done neither and now was feeling guilty. But he didn't think he could handle another DeSoto debacle.

"Morning, Gage."

"Hey, Wheeler." Johnny greeted Roy's replacement for the shift. He continued changing into his uniform then headed out to get coffee; his subdued demeanor did not go unnoticed by the rest of the guys.

"What the hell's his problem?"

"Not sure, Chet…..but I'm not looking forward to spending the next twenty-four hours as his partner." Tom Wheeler pushed open the locker room door headed across the apparatus bay to get his own cup of caffeine.

Johnny poured himself a cup of coffee then turned around and leaned his slender frame against the cabinet holding his coffee level with his abdomen allowing it to cool.

"Morning, John. Can I have a word with you, please?"

"Oh, yea sure, Cap." Johnny took a tentative sip and followed his superior out of the kitchen towards the Captain's office.

As the kitchen door swung open allowing Johnny and Hank to exit, Chet and Tom entered on the back swing. "Hey, did he screw up again?"

Marco rolled his eyes at his junior lineman while Mike poured himself a cup of rich black brew.

"No, Chet…..Cap just wanted to talk to him." Mike replied without looking up. "Coffee, Tom?"

"Yea…thanks, Mike." Tom reached for the proffered cup then took a seat at the table with the remainder of the crew waiting for roll call.

E!

"Well, John…how's Roy?"

"Doin' good, far as I know." John was becoming quite skilled at question evasion. "He went home yesterday afternoon and he and Joanne are working things out."

"Yea…...I called the hospital just before he was discharged. I didn't want to give it away that I knew about the…ah…marital discord…but Joanne basically told me the same thing you just said. She did mention his medication and diet restrictions. Glad he's home and will be able to return to work." He leaned forward in his chair with his elbows on the desk. He deliberately avoided eye contact with his young paramedic waiting for the information he'd just given John to sink in.

Johnny felt the heat rising up from his shirt collar tinting his cheeks a slight pinkish color. He tried to swallow but suddenly found his throat dry. He knew that if Cap had talked to Joanne long enough to find out that much information then there was a possibility that she'd told Hank more than Johnny had wanted to reveal…..and thanks to his own selfishness, his captain now knew much more about Roy's condition than his own best friend knew. Hank would also know that Johnny hadn't visited or called Roy during his hospital stay. Johnny's heartbeat seemed to be double stepping to the ticking of the clock on the wall. He sat perfectly still until Cap gave him the word he was desperate to hear.

"Dismissed."

It took a lot of effort for Hank to hide his disappointment. He'd hoped John would open up a little and give him some insight into what was happening to his paramedic team. Joanne had mentioned that she had neither seen nor heard from Johnny since she'd driven Roy to the hospital. She hadn't been able to hide her concern which quickly became a concern for Hank as well. He waited for his paramedic to leave his office then counted slowly to ten before he stood up and made his way to the kitchen to announce roll call.

E!

Joanne awakened to the smell of fresh coffee. She checked the clock on the nightstand and was surprised to see that it was 8:30am. _Oh my goodness. I haven't slept this late in weeks. _She rolled over and was startled to see blue eyes staring back at her.

"Honey…are…are you feeling okay?" She asked looking back at her husband who lay seemingly emotionless beside her.

Roy nodded, slowly blinking his eyes reaching out to cup her face with his hand. The softness felt amazing beneath the pads of his fingers as he ran them down the length of her jawline then finally lightly brushing his thumb across her full lips.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Maybe half an hour." He answered sounding much stronger than on the previous day. "You looked so peaceful lying here beside me. I could hear your breathing and it was just….so….I don't know….it…it just made me feel…." His emotion-laden voice cracked as he watched her eyes well up with tears.

"Roy…" She whispered around his thumb as he continued to lightly caress her lower lip. "Mom's leaving after breakfast and taking the kids back with her. Let's…" She sniffed.

"Talk….we need to talk, Jo." He walked his fingers up her pretty face and whisked away the tear that had started to make its way down around the edge of her nose.

She nodded closing her eyes as he leaned toward her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. He didn't dare allow himself to consider anything more than this simple gesture. "Smells like Louise started the coffee. We better head downstairs and see them off."

As if on cue, there was a hesitant knock on their bedroom door.

"Come in." Joanne said loud enough to be heard on the other side of the door.

The doorknob turned and a timid tow-head poked her way through. "Mommy? Daddy? Breakfast is ready."

Roy propped himself up on his right elbow and motioned Jennifer over towards him. Happily, the youngster bounded across the room and pounced on the bed wedging herself between her parents unable to control her joyful giggles.

Several moments later, Roy and Joanne made their way down the stairs in their robes with Jennifer staying three steps ahead. She wasn't able to contain herself and as soon as her small feet reached the bottom step she spun around. "Ta-Daaa!"

Roy and Joanne looked around astounded at the sight before them. The table was draped with a white linen tablecloth accented with a vase of fresh flowers where only a couple of days ago an overturned bouquet of faded roses lay strewn and dying. There were two place settings of their fine china; each coffee cup perched atop a matching saucer with curls of steam drifting upwards. Two crystal goblets were filled with apple juice while each plate contained a mixture of fresh fruit and cottage cheese. The bread and butter dishes each held half a toasted bagel topped with cream cheese and Joanne's silver she'd inherited from Louise's mother completed the table.

"Wow." Roy looked down at his precious wife and pulled her a little tighter, kissing her on top of her head. He glanced over to the place where his mother-in-law stood watery eyed. He mouthed the words 'thank you' to her and watched her nod an acknowledgement, turn her back and swipe her fingers across her face.

"Are you hungry, Dad?" Chris couldn't hide the grin on his adolescent face at the sight of his parents snuggling closely.

"Starving….but…this is too beautiful to eat." He marveled at his miniature lookalike.

"Grandma let me help pick out the flowers."

"And you did a fantastic job, Jenny. Yellow daisies are my favorite." Joanne brushed the wisp of bangs that had fallen out around the pink headband she was wearing.

Louise cleared her throat in an effort to find her voice. "Ahem….we thought we'd make you a welcome home breakfast…it should be bland enough so that it won't cause you any stomach pain and the coffee is decaf…just like the doctor ordered." She beamed at her daughter and son-in-law. "Now, there's more of everything over here on the counter and in the refrigerator, more coffee too." She turned to finish wiping down the countertops before shooing the children upstairs to brush their teeth. They needed to get started on their trip…and they needed to give Roy and Joanne their privacy to get started on repairing their marriage.

Roy pulled out Joanne's chair for her then joined her in his usual seat, smiling when he saw the prescription bottle of Pepcid beside his plate. _If only there was a pill I could take to heal the damage to my marriage as easily as this will heal the damage to my esophagus. _"Louise…this is…..."

"Lovely…..no, it's….it's…." Joanne was rendered as speechless as her husband by the presentation.

"It's the least I could do for the two of you. I have….. a lot of making up to do….. and I…" She turned her back to them once more, reaching for a paper towel to dry her eyes. She truly was ashamed for the years she'd wasted.

"Mom?" Joanne's worried voice broke.

Roy placed a hand on Joanne's shoulder as he stood. He folded his cloth napkin beside his plate and made his way over to the place where Louise stood. Reaching out, he did something he never thought he'd ever do; he embraced his mother-in-law in his own kitchen.

Joanne watched her mother return Roy's gesture and her heart fluttered as she saw them each comforting the other. _If the two of you can do this…..then nothing is impossible._

E!

Johnny had been assigned latrine duty and he had a feeling he knew why. _He knows I bailed out on Roy..…..and he's pissed. _He flushed the toilet he'd just scrubbed and moved over to begin the task of mopping the floor. _Well, I don't give a flying fuck! My life….my choice…..I choose to stay away. _ The sloshing sound of the saturated mop slapping the hard floor made him smirk._ Maybe it's time I gave it a shot. _His musings were interrupted by the klaxons sounding.

_Station 51….Motor Vehicle Accident with entrapment….Southbound 405 at exit 34…Southbound 405 at exit 34….scene can be accessed from the exit ramp. Time out 0908._

By the time Sam Lanier had completed his message, Johnny had propped the mop in the bucket against the wall of the latrine and scrambled towards the driver's side door of the squad. He pulled on his helmet securing the chin strap hearing Hank acknowledge the call.

"Station 51, KMG-365." Hank scribbled down the address and rushed the small slip of paper to the waiting hand of Johnny. He then took his place riding shotgun on the engine as the bay door completed its northerly climb giving the emergency vehicles access to the busy street.

Johnny passed the slip over to his passenger then eased the squad underneath the rising door making the left turn into the yielding traffic. He made a quick glance in his mirror to confirm that Mike was following close behind him. Amid sirens and flashing red lights, the two emergency vehicles carried their heroic crews down the ribbon of asphalt toward the carnage of twisted metal cages now holding their injured victims captive.

E!

Roy leaned back in his chair patting his full stomach. His appetite hadn't fully returned but he'd managed to eat half the bagel and most of the cottage cheese with bits of peaches and bananas mixed in. He'd chased it with a glass of cold apple juice and now sat back letting it all settle with the aid of a delicious cup of black decaf coffee; the perfect complement to the healthy breakfast. He watched Joanne finish the remainder of her breakfast. She set down her fork picking up her coffee with her right hand while Roy gently covered her left with his own. He raked his thumb across the back of her hand savoring the soft skin beneath his caress.

Joanne's heart fluttered again at the feel of his touch. She lifted the steaming cup to her lips while flirtatiously looking up at him through her long dark eyelashes; her green eyes melting his heart and sending a shiver up his spine. "Looks like you and Mom are on better terms."

Roy knew her comment was meant as a question, a very hopeful question, rather than a statement. "Yea….we…uh….we had a long talk day before yesterday while you and the kids were eating. She's….well, I think we've settled our differences." Her ensuing smile sent a blush to his face; he could tell she was truly happy by the latest developments in the relationship between her husband and her mother.

"Jo…why don't I help you with the dishes…..the house is quiet now and..…then we can, you know….talk about….us."

"Sounds like a wonderful idea to me." While she felt warm all over by their encounters over the last twenty-four hours, she knew that there were many questions left unanswered between them; lots of hurt left to be assuaged.

They quickly scraped the leftover food into the garbage can and began running hot sudsy water in the sink. She washed while Roy rinsed and dried making quick work of the task. When Joanne finished the last dish, Roy suggested that she go ahead and take her shower while he finished up in the kitchen. Then he'd take a quick shower and they could begin the difficult task of reconciliation.

E!

Johnny pulled the squad to a stop near the squad car that was blocking traffic. The havoc that lay before them was horrific. A small blue sports car had careened out of control in front of a semi loaded with lumber. Most of the lumber had tumbled across the lanes of traffic but a few two by four's were impaled through the windshield of a brown and tan Buick sedan. Bystanders were being kept back by the highway patrol but the guys in khaki uniforms and black boots had allowed a few men to begin moving the lumber out of the lanes to expedite the moving of the traffic.

"What've we got Officer….Baker?" Hank asked noting the name plate on the uniform of the blonde haired motorcycle officer.

"Looks like the sports car was switching lanes and cut in front of the truck causing him to jackknife and spill his load. The…uh….the driver of the sports car is DOA, the coroner's been notified, but we've got some folks trapped inside this brown Buick." He said jogging along with Hank toward the side rail where the Buick had crashed.

"Truck driver?" Hank asked.

"Shaken up but ok. Officer Grossman is talking to him now. Might wanna get one of your guys to check him out later." Officer Baker walked up to a dark haired officer who was using his riding gloves to try to pull one of the boards out of the windshield. "Hey, Ponch…fire department's here." He offered giving his partner a hand with the long piece of lumber he was removing.

"Good….guy's alive….not sure about the lady." The Hispanic man called out.

"Chet, pull those battery cables….Marco, get an inch and a half and start washing down this gasoline." Hank pointed towards the asphalt beneath and around the car. "Mike, Johnny…gonna need the jaws…got two victims in here." Hank said looking at the unconscious couple in the vehicle.

Johnny and Mike carried the jaws and a pry bar over to the side of the car that was not jammed against the guard rail. Chet made quick work of pulling the battery cables then ran back to the squad to assist Tom in loading up supplies onto the stokes including the trauma box, drug box, biophone, oxygen and backboard. By the time they'd finished loading them up, the loud sound of the Jaws of Life crunching through metal drowned out all other noise.

Marco continued washing down the pavement until there was no more threat of ignition from a spark. By the time that was completed, Mike cranked up the Jaws of Life and he and Johnny used the mechanism to peel back the roof of the car to grant access to the severely injured occupants. Marco pulled the hose out of the way of the rescue operations and just happened to be looking at the truck driver when the Jaws roared to life. The loud noise followed by the crunching metal proved to be more than the mesmerized man could handle. He was already sitting on the running board of his rig with a heavy set officer nearby but Marco saw his body slumping and the officer slowly laid him down on the pavement then began to wave frantically for help. Marco used the back of his hand to tap Wheeler on the shoulder pointing towards the now unconscious man. Wheeler ran quickly to the aid of the panicked officer while Marco and Chet lifted the stokes and quickly followed.

"What happened?" Tom asked Officer Grossman.

"I dunno….…just passed out when the noise started up."

Tom noticed that the officer looked a bit pale but quickly decided it was from the scare of having the driver collapse on him. Tom began his assessment and quickly determined that the man most likely had only fainted. He started him on oxygen and soon began to see his eyelids flutter.

"Got any smelling salts in that tackle box of yours?" Officer Grossman asked.

"Yea but can't use it on him." Tom responded while setting up the biophone. "He probably doesn't have any head or neck injuries but can't take a chance on him jerking away from the smell and further injuring himself."

Officer Grossman nodded his head in understanding. "Aahhh, didn't think of that."

"Rampart, this is squad 51, how do you read?"

"Go ahead 51." Dixie answered.

"Rampart, we have a truck driver approximately forty years of age who was involved in an MVA. He was conscious and ambulatory talking to a ChiPs officer when he experienced a syncopal episode. Rampart, please note that the sound of the Jaws of Life in use precipitated the loss of consciousness. He's on six liters of oxygen via nasal cannula….his vitals are…."

"Hold it, hold it!" Johnny shouted to Mike who was operating the large tool. "Ok, let's pull it up. I can get to him from here."

Hank had already tried to pry open the driver's side doors without success so the only way to extricate the victims had been with the use of the Jaws; peeling back the roof of the car like a tin can. Johnny snaked his lanky body through the wreckage; grateful for the turnout coat that saved his back from certain shredding on the debris. He pulled off his gloves to try to reach around his victim to check for a pulse when Hank's shouts stopped him.

"Gage! Gloves!" Hank commanded in his most authoritative voice.

"Shit!" Johnny cursed the situation and the new protocol that demanded its use. Suddenly a pair of rubber gloves was thrust in front of his eyes by his superior. He quickly donned them then reached back around for the neck of his first victim. He felt for a carotid pulse and found one; it was weak but definitely there. "A'right, this one's alive. Let's start gettin' him out." He slid across the backseat dipping his head down to slide beneath one of the boards still penetrating the vehicle until he could reach the passenger. He felt for a pulse but couldn't find one. He pulled her graying hair away from her neck a second time and began palpating again. "Come on, damn it!" He said through his gritted teeth as he continued to grope her throat until he found what he was searching for. "Yes…ok, hang on, Ma'am….just hang in there for me."

Marco and Chet had left Wheeler with the truck driver just as he was beginning to regain consciousness. Officer Grossman stayed beside him in case he became agitated. The two linemen hustled over to the Buick and were given quick instructions on extrication by Hank. Chet returned for the cervical collar and backboard filling Tom in on what the Buick held for them.

"Hey, got two vics over there….hurt pretty bad. Gage is gonna need ya, if you can leave this one."

Wheeler looked at Officer Grossman. "Can you stay with him until I can get back? Just keep the oxygen on him and he should be fine soon."

"Yea….sure…go ahead." The young officer replied.

"Thanks!" Wheeler packed up the biophone standing up just in time for a news reporter to snap a quick picture of him. He caught a glimpse of the guy right before he snapped the picture and knew that it would look as if he had posed for the camera. "Fuck….just what I need…Gage is gonna think I did that on purpose." He muttered to himself jogging the short distance over to the remains of the Buick.

"Hey, Tom…I've got the C-collar on this one here. He just needs to be strapped to the backboard and he's ready to go. I need another collar for this one, Mike."

Chet and Marco followed the instructions given to them by Wheeler and soon had the gentleman secured to the backboard and removed from the car. This helped free up more space for Mike and Johnny to use to extricate his passenger.

The passenger was much more difficult to remove from the wreckage than her husband. By the time she was extricated and had gotten halfway to Rampart, she bled out. Johnny had done everything he could to try to get her to the hospital alive but her injuries were too substantial. He looked down at his blood soaked but gloved hands and began removing them into the tight ball like he'd been trained to do. He slapped the wall next to the sink in the room knowing that behind him there was a sheet being pulled up to cover the body of a woman who had died while in his care; a woman who only an hour earlier had clung to life and whose only chance of survival had been the crew of Station 51. He had been in charge of her rescue and she hadn't survived. Her husband had already been moved to the operating room without knowing that his precious wife wouldn't be there when he woke up.

"Don't take it so hard, Johnny." Dr. Brackett said easing up behind Johnny and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder while the younger man stared at the tiled wall of the treatment room washing his hands. "We did all we could do."

Johnny turned around stoically, hands dripping. "Did we?"

Kel removed his gloves in like manner to Johnny and began scrubbing them at the sink. "Yes….we did." He turned off the faucet then stared into Johnny's blank dark eyes and knew that they weren't necessarily talking about the female MVA victim lying lifeless behind him.

Johnny looked over Kel's shoulder at the exam table and thought about how he'd feel if that were his partner lying there beneath the cold white shroud. And if it was Roy, then he knew that he and Dr. Brackett wouldn't be standing there saying they'd _'done all they could do.'_ Because he knew that when it came to Roy DeSoto, he hadn't done all he could do for him.

E!


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: Thank you for continuing to read this story. I have made it as historically accurate as I could without compromising the story. Please be aware that things are happening a little quicker in the story than they actually occurred. Basically, what happened over the course of about four years has been condensed to less than half that time in this story. Thank you for understanding.

Warning: Strong language

Humanity is Vulnerable-24e

Joanne stood in front of the bathroom mirror blow drying her dark hair. She'd already applied some make-up and brushed her teeth. She opened the door to their bedroom preparing to get dressed just as Roy walked in from the hallway.

"Kitchen's all cleaned up." He stated proudly.

"Shower's all yours." She smiled meandering towel-clad across the room to get dressed.

Roy entered the bathroom to take care of his personal grooming needs. He stepped beneath the hot spray and lathered up while trying to decide the best approach to take in the impending talk with Joanne. He turned face up toward the soothing stream allowing the relaxing water to rinse away his worries along with the remnants of soap and shampoo. _I want this to work, Jo…..I'll do whatever I need to do to make this work._

Joanne made her way around the queen sized bed making it up and smoothing out the wrinkles. She then sat down at the head of the bed with her legs stretched out in front of her. Her hands were trembling and in an effort to calm them down, she reached over and pulled her pillow tightly to her chest as she listened to Roy finish up with his shower. Finally, she heard the water turn off and felt her stomach knot up. She inhaled a ragged nervous breath. _I want to say the right things, Roy. I want this to work for all of us. _

E!

Johnny stood in the dayroom staring at the bulletin board. It had been a couple of years since the county began allowing paramedics to be promoted to captain without spending time as an engineer first. He and Roy had discussed applying for promotions. They'd both acknowledged that their jobs would become increasingly difficult with age. His thoughts were interrupted by Hank walking into the dayroom.

"Something interesting to you, John?"

"Huh? Oh, no….uh…well, yea maybe." His dark eyes darted around the room seeking his shift mates and relief washed over his face when he found the room empty except for the two of them…and their four legged mascot, Henry. Johnny placed a nervous hand on his hip while running a finger across his upper lip.

Hank recognized the gesture; John Gage was nothing if not expressive making him a terrible poker player; a flaw well noted, and often exploited, by the entire 'A' shift at the station. Hank had just opened up the paper but immediately folded it back and set it on the sofa. Henry opened one tired red eye to peek forlornly at Cap then closed it back again.

"My office?"

Johnny gulped at the question. He'd always thought that he and Roy might do this together but he also realized that he and Roy might no longer be best friends; at least that's how it was feeling to him.

"Ah….yea…..do you have a minute?" He asked shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Sure, Pal…as long as the tones will allow." He said with a smile. He was certain that Johnny was about to open up to him about his strained relationship with Roy and Hank wanted nothing more than to see his paramedic team healed quickly.

The two men promptly made the few steps from the dayroom to the captain's office; each man taking a seat. Hank leaned back in his squeaky chair shifting slightly to one side and propping his elbow on the arm of the worn out furniture. "Now, John…what's on your mind?"

Johnny's stomach flip-flopped causing him to catch his breath. He knew that he'd never be able to get through what he needed to do unless he just laid it all out in one long sentence.

"Cap, I've been workin' here as a paramedic on 'A' shift since 1972 and I know I've made a lot of mistakes.." He stood up then and began pacing as his rant went into full swing, arms flailing in animated gestures. "I mean, maybe not as many as Chet 'cause, hell…nobody can screw up that badly but my evaluations have been good and…I mean, you've even complimented me at times for my work and all the guys know you don't compliment us very…" His eyes grew as large as saucers with the realization of what he'd just said. "I..I…I mean, we like ya, Cap…we really like ya and all so don't take that the wrong way or anything…"

Hank's eyebrows were arched in wonder as he watched his younger paramedic struggle with whatever was on his mind. Finally, he'd had enough and decided to put Johnny out of his misery. "Gage….." He waited as Johnny continued rambling. "GAGE!"

Johnny's butt quickly made contact with the nearest chair. "Uh…yessir?"

"If you have a question for me then will you just ask it? I'm getting exhausted with the effort of keeping up with you here."

"Uh…oh….s..sorry, sir….yessir….ah….never mind." He stood up quickly turning to walk out of the office door.

"Halt!"

Johnny froze with his hand on the doorknob.

"Now…..turn your twiggy ass around and take a seat." Hank leaned forward in his seat. He watched as the younger man stared intently at his feet while returning to the chair beside Hank's desk. "Let's start this all over shall we?"

"Yessir." Johnny mumbled.

"Now, are you trying to ask me for a transfer? You and Roy can't work out whatever issues are going on between you?"

Johnny looked up and met his superior officer's gaze. The dumbfounded look on his face told Hank much more than any words could ever have revealed.

"Ok, so I'm assuming by the look on your face that you hadn't planned on a transfer request."

Johnny shook his head negatively; his words following a moment later. "No sir." He looked down at his clasped fingers. "I…..well, I'd like to go for a captaincy at some point in the future."

Hank gulped trying to keep his surprise from being exhibited on his face. "I see. Is this because of what's happening between you and Roy?"

Johnny didn't look his captain in the eyes. "No sir…..Roy and I have talked about it ever since the policy got changed to add a paramedic track to becoming a captain. We've always said that this job is for a young man and….well, I'm not old but.." He snickered a bit. "I ain't gettin' any younger, ya know?"

Johnny bounced his knees, anxious to hear what his captain's response might be.

"And is this because of the HIV thing that's happening now?" Hank's eyes bore holes in Johnny. He knew that if his paramedic was trying to escape the risks associated with the job then being a captain wasn't for him. He knew that a captain who would order his crew to do something that he himself wouldn't do didn't deserve the position and Hank would not recommend him no matter whom that man might be.

Johnny arched an eyebrow as he surveyed his superior. "Absolutely not, Cap. I mean, I don't like it but it's a part of the job." He thought carefully for a minute before he continued. "In our jobs, there's always a risk of injury or even death; HIV just happens to be the newest threat out there. I'm sure there'll be others in the future. We have safeguards in place and as long as we follow those then our risk level is lowered." He continued looking into Hank's eyes wondering what the older man was thinking.

"Johnny, I'm….well, this wasn't what I was expecting." He leaned back in his chair once more. "I was hoping you wanted to fill me in on what's going on between you and Roy because quite frankly, I've been concerned that my paramedic team is in jeopardy." He watched Johnny's adam's apple move and knew he wasn't helping the younger man's nervousness. "I guess you're wondering if I'd recommend you."

Johnny looked up with a hopeful gleam in his dark eyes. "Yessir….I was kinda hopin' ya would. I mean, do ya think I've got what it takes?"

Hank chose his words carefully. "John, you've been like a son to me since I arrived here eight years ago. You and the other guys have a year on me here at 51's but you've always made me feel like a part of the group….not like an outsider like a lot of other captains feel." He leaned forward placing a warm hand on Johnny's shoulder and felt the trembling against his palm. "If you'd asked me this a few years ago then I'd've said 'no, not yet.' But, John….I've watched you grow as a person as well as a firefighter/paramedic. Do I think you've got what it takes? Yea,…yea I do. I think there's a lot of young men…and now women too…out there who need some guidance and coaching as they go through their careers with the L.A. County Fire Department…and I think you'll make one helluva captain, Gage."

The way Hank had strung those last two words together struck a chord with Johnny and he kept repeating them inside his head. _Captain. Gage. Captain. Gage. Captain Gage. _He couldn't hold back the crooked smile that began to spread across his face. He watched Hank stand and mirrored his movements but extended his hand in gratitude.

Hank shook the younger man's hand. "Now…before you get the stripe on your helmet you'll need to work on one weakness you do have….." He waited as Johnny pondered his statement. Seeing the confusion on his young paramedic's face made him want to chuckle but he knew he needed to make this point a serious one. "Conflict resolution is a huge part of being a captain; might want to practice it on your friends first…..use them to hone your skills." He said with a slight smile. He knew Johnny was perceptive enough to know exactly what he meant.

Johnny couldn't stop the blush that rose from his chest towards the tips of his ears. "Yessir….uh, Cap?"

Hank looked at the younger man and had never seen a more serious look on his paramedic's face.

"I know me making it through the testing process successfully might be a long shot but…uh….if I do make it…I hope I can be just half the captain you are. You're a great role model and I….well, I appreciate you." He turned and pushed open the door leaving a speechless Hank Stanley battling with his emotions.

Hank stared at the floor of his office listening to the echo of Johnny's footsteps hustling back towards the dayroom. "You'll make it, John. I have no doubt…you'll make it."

E!

Roy exited the bathroom with his towel wrapped around his waist. He smiled uncomfortably at Joanne who was sitting on their bed clutching a pillow. _She's nervous…not a good sign. _He stepped into his closet and pulled out jeans and a button down shirt. He then made his way over to his chest of drawers to pull out his boxers and an undershirt.

"I'll go fix us something to drink." Joanne offered feeling self-conscious with the awkward silence between them.

"Sounds good." Roy smiled looking over his shoulder as he closed the drawer with his hip. "I'll be down as soon as I can get dressed." He watched Joanne give a slight smile while she replaced the pillow and straightened the bed covers before leaving him alone. He stood looking around the room. It looked so different than the last time he had stood alone here. He recalled his actions and felt shame slither inside his soul. He and Joanne had prepared for the possibility that she'd be widowed at a young age and the kids left fatherless. He'd bought enough life insurance to get them through it financially. But as he stood here looking around this room his eyes went immediately to the empty spot on his closet shelf where his pistol had been stored for years. It wasn't there and a shiver made its way up his spine causing goose bumps to spread quickly along his arms and legs. He thought about just how close he'd come to deliberately leaving his children fatherless and his wife a widow…and his stomach knotted. He knew he'd have to explain that to Joanne. She hadn't replaced his weapon to its designated place on the shelf. That meant she was hiding it from him and truthfully, he didn't blame her for doing that. It's what he'd have done if the situation had been reversed. He slowly finished dressing then headed down the stairs to begin the conversation he honestly wasn't looking forward to.

Joanne was pouring two glasses of fresh lemonade when Roy stepped into the kitchen. She handed him his glass and picked up two coasters. "Want to take these to the den?"

"Sure….thanks, Hon." Roy sipped the cooling drink refreshing his mouth, dry from the impending conversation.

The two of them settled down on the sofa, Roy sitting on the outside while Joanne sat more in the middle. Neither looked at the other and neither said anything for several long moments. Joanne leaned forward placing her drink on a coaster on the coffee table while Roy did the same with his on the end table.

"So….how do we do this?" He asked staring at the bruise on the back of his hand from the IV while his hands lay limply in his lap.

Joanne swallowed the lump in her throat. "Uh…..I don't know. I guess we just jump in." She nervously pulled her lower lip between her teeth.

Roy decided he'd started this whole downward spiral so it was his responsibility to begin the recovery. He thought back to the morning he'd physically hurt her during sex. Embarrassment washed over him but he inhaled deeply and forged ahead, unable to look at her.

"Jo….I'm sorry I hurt you that morning. I never would've done something like that intentionally. I just thought…..well,…..I thought you might like it and I didn't….think..." He exhaled an exasperated sigh. How could she possibly understand what he was trying to say when he couldn't string words together in a coherent sentence?

"No…" She whispered. "It's not your fault. I….I didn't realize how much having the kids changed me…well, changed my body anyway." She leaned forward needing a drink of lemonade to get through this part. "I mean, I just assumed that our sex life was still satisfying to you but looking back now…I see where my body changed and I wasn't able to make you hap…"

"Whoa….hold up." Roy turned slightly so that he could look at his wife.

Jo didn't return his gaze but instead sat with her shoulders slumped running a finger absently around the rim of her glass while she stared into nothingness in the direction of her lap.

"Baby," he began then carefully removed the glass from her hands placing it on the coaster and returning his hands to grasp hers. "I've always…always…been more than happy with our love making. You're, I mean…I've never had another lover….you know that…but I can't imagine it being any better. Nothing changed when the kids came along. Making love with you is just as good now as ever. Jo, you are such a beautiful woman…I.."

Joanne looked into his blue eyes not hearing everything he said. She'd heard him say that she was his only lover. She wondered if that meant the lipstick on his shirt hadn't been the result of a sordid encounter with another woman after all.

"Roy…" She stared deep into his crystal eyes interrupting his words of adoration. "You said that…I was your only lover?"

Worry creases formed across his forehead. "Jo…I never even dated anybody but you. You know that….don't you?"

"I..um." She had to say something now that she'd opened the door in the conversation.

"Joanne….talk to me, baby. Please?" Roy's heart was slamming around inside his chest as he waited for her to speak. He watched her bite her lower lip and pick at something unseen on the sofa; both gestures he recognized as habits she exhibited when she was under tremendous stress. He wanted to reach out to her and force her to open up but instead he summoned every ounce of patience he could muster and he waited until she was ready.

Finally, she inhaled a shuttering breath before she began. "R-remember the night…y-you went to that bar?"

"Yea….I shouldn't've left like that, I know and I'm sorry." He offered.

"We were both at fault that night, but…well, the next morning when I was doing the laundry I…well, I…" Her breath hitched.

"Go on." He urged her; he had no idea where the conversation was leading.

"I..found lipstick on the shoulder of your shirt. And…it wasn't mine and…" She sniffed wiping her fingers beneath her eyes.

Roy exhaled hard as he let his head fall into the cushion on the back of the sofa. He stared briefly at the ceiling then closed his eyes. "Jo….that night, I was sitting at the bar drinking…alone….and then this young woman…"

Joanne shivered as his confession began. She feared she was about to hear the words she had dreaded most. She pulled her hand out of Roy's grasp as he continued.

He briskly ran his palms down his pant legs drying the nervous moisture that had collected on them. "She sat beside me at the bar and..…well, she was kinda flirting, ya know? I wasn't paying her any attention, Jo, I promise but then when I stood up to leave she stood up and wanted to dance."

Joanne knew her husband wasn't much of a dancer so if the situation had been a little lighter she'd have found it amusing. However, in this situation she found no humor. She quickly placed her hands beneath her thighs like a school girl to stop them from shaking as she waited to hear the words she knew in her heart were coming.

"So, she kind of backed me into a corner. She leaned in to whisper something in my ear and I pushed her away." He thought a minute. "Left….it would've been on my left shoulder."

Joanne nodded in agreement as the memory of finding the lipstick brought on a fresh release of tears. She felt Roy wrap his arms around her and pull her gently into his chest.

"Oh my God, Jo! I never knew about this. I swear I would never ever do that! I wouldn't. I'd never cheat on you." He kissed the top of her head while he ran a soothing hand down her back. "Jo, you're the only woman I've ever loved. The only woman I ever wanted to share my life with. And.." He reached down and used the crook of his finger to raise her chin up so that they were looking into each other's eyes. "And the only woman I have ever…..or ever want…. to make love to." He watched her lower lip tremble and leaned his head in to kiss her forehead gently. He ran his left hand around the back of her head and held her tightly to his chest. "I love you, Jo. God I wish that hadn't happened. I wish I could take it back." Then fear gripped his soul as he felt her body quake within his grasp. "Why didn't you ask me about it before now?"

She sniffed before she answered never pulling her head off his chest. "It was…a busy day with the birthday party for Jennifer to attend and then…later when I got home…I overheard you talking to Chris and….then Johnny came over and it….well, it just never seemed like a good time."

"But all this time you've been thinking I'd cheated on you. I'm so sorry, honey." He crooned brushing her soft dark hair beneath his open palm.

"That's not the worst erroneous assumption I made." She sniffed finally pulling back from him. She needed to explain what had happened when she got home and overheard part of the conversation between Roy and Johnny.

She gave a nervous chuckle. "When I got home the other day, I overheard you and Johnny talking in the guest bedroom. I didn't know what had happened and I heard him saying things like 'suck it a little' and 'roll over on your belly' and 'swallow, don't spit.'" She couldn't look up at him, embarrassment coloring her cheeks. "After you wanted to try…anal sex…then got so angry with Chris' comments and used Johnny as an example…."

Sudden understanding bolted across Roy's face and he interrupted her. "You thought….I mean, you didn't…."

She nodded at him.

"Oh hell no…..no, never…..never ever with another woman and…..sure as hell not ever with another man…..and Johnny? Nu-uh!" He couldn't hold back the uncomfortable chuckle that escaped from his lips.

"You should've heard how upset Johnny got when I confronted him about it while you were sleeping." She shook her head as the shame seemed to have permanently tainted her pretty face.

"I'm sure." He commented brushing her hair behind her ear with a bit of a smile.

"Well, it led to a bit of an argument and…then he…ah…he helped me see how my note had really upset you…..he said you'd.." She couldn't say the words.

The slight humor on Roy's face disappeared and his continence immediately fell. He knew this would have to be addressed. "It was more than just the note, Joanne. It was a huge mistake but….well, I hope I can make you understand what I was thinking and…I….I hope you can forgive me." He released her and turned back around needing to wet his parched throat before he began.

"That morning…we'd had a meeting with Brackett and…..ah, we learned that a little boy we'd rescued from a house fire had been diagnosed with HIV. He's…..he's a hemophiliac and…well, that meant that this disease…..it's….it's gotten into our blood supply." He watched for her reaction but she wasn't understanding.

"Jo….I got a blood transfusion after the accident….I was so afraid….." His voice trailed off to barely a whisper.

"Oh no, Roy! No!" She sat horrified as she finally understood and again her cheeks dampened.

"No, I've talked with Brackett and he's told me that the odds are basically zero because of where the donated blood came from and he explained why Peter's chances of catching it were much higher but…" He looked into the green eyes he'd loved since fourth grade and brushed his thumb delicately across her moistened cheek. "I was scared that I'd given it to you." He lost the battle with his emotions and his shoulders slumped.

Joanne pulled him into a tight hug trying to calm his gut wrenching sobs. He was always the strong one in their relationship and to see how this had so completely broken him felt as if she were being drawn and quartered. She winced beneath his firm embrace; he seemed to need to hold her tighter than was comfortable but right now she didn't care. He needed her and she was determined to be there for him.

"Jo..I..I…couldn't live with it….if I'd given…. you this disease….I." He continued his staccato speech pattern amid intermittent sniffles. "Our kids….…orphans….my fault."

She held him tightly. "Ssshhhhh…..honey, even if it'd happened it wouldn't have been your fault. Roy…." She pushed him back so they could look face to face. He seemed determined to hang onto her but eventually gave in to her gentle prodding to sit back and let her go briefly. "If you'd have known you had it and intentionally passed it on to me then that would be different. But honey….." She stared deeply into his hurt blue eyes. "You didn't do it, infect me, I mean. You didn't do it on purpose and…in fact, you didn't do it at all so…."

She sniffed back the tears. "Um,…..Roy….were you really going to do…it?"

Roy licked his lips before he answered. They weren't talking about transmitting HIV anymore and he knew it. "I wish I could say 'no' but….I can't….I mean, the more I drank and the more I read the note and thought about what I might have done….I just…..I just wanted it to all go away, ya know?" His voice sounded so quiet it almost sounded foreign to him. "I just wanted to end it all quickly…I'm so sorry, Jo…I'm…..so…ashamed."

Joanne was at a loss for words. He had just confirmed her worst nightmare. He had wanted to kill himself. All she could think of doing was holding him tight and never letting him go. "I'm…..so glad….you didn't. I love…you, Roy." She pulled him into a hug and continued holding him while he cried into her hair.

"I…love you…too. I…I ah…passed out…I think. I guess….Johnny found me?"

She knew it was more of a question than a statement. "Yea….he did. He..ah…he cleaned you up…and tried to take you to….to Rampart but you…..you refused."

Roy thought the room had spun for a moment. "Wait….I…well, I assumed he didn't think….I mean, God I don't know what I mean." His frustration with himself poured out around him splotching his face and neck. "I told him I didn't want to go…and…and he didn't just call it in anyway?"

"No, Roy….he…...well, I think he was protecting you….your reputation and all." She watched his face grow even darker.

"He didn't tell anyone, did he? I mean, Brackett came here…I..I remember that and….he told me about my transfusion and all and….he never mentioned it."

"I don't think Johnny told anyone but me. He said I needed to know what I'd done to you and…..he made me look at the deck…where…..where I'd've found you if…..if he hadn't come here first." She felt the stinging in her eyes again as images of her husband unconscious…or worse…assaulted her brain.

"That's why Brackett said I could return to work next shift. That's why he didn't insist on a psych consult." He thought for a long moment before he continued. "That's why….why I still have a job, too. I owe Johnny…big time." He reached back out pulling her into a big hug. "I owe you even more….you came back."

"I'm never leaving again, Honey. And I'll never leave unanswered questions lingering between us. I was so wrong. I understand that now."

"And I understand why you thought I was seeing someone else. I….feel like a damn fool." Roy hung his head.

"Nope…..we made mistakes….but we're here now to fix them, all of them, right?"

He answered her question by slowly drinking in her beauty and lowering his face closer to hers. Their lips brushed lightly, warming them from the inside out. The kiss wasn't long; neither was ready to move on to anything more. They needed to make sure their heads were clear and their problems were resolved before they allowed the return of the physical aspects of their relationship. They still had a long way to go but each knew they'd made great strides in achieving that goal. And each was determined to make sure they never found themselves in the hell they'd just begun climbing out of.

E!

Kelly Brackett leaned against the counter near the base station staring blankly into a cold cup of coffee. He'd read the latest information from CDC and the situation was only getting worse. The spread of HIV was continuing and he was frustrated with the lack of information being provided to most of the public. The gay community was doing an outstanding job with education and prevention, getting the word out about how to protect its members and prevent the transmission of HIV. However, since the epidemic had first been seen among gay men it appeared that the rest of the population was unconcerned. Now, infants were being diagnosed with the illness after being born to HIV infected mothers. Sexual transmission was being identified through heterosexual contact. Additionally, the spread among intravenous drug users in Amsterdam was so rampant that the government had begun allowing drug users to exchange used needles for new sterile ones just to slow down the spread in that country. Yet, in the United States it seemed that only the gay community was taking this illness seriously. He inhaled deeply as he looked up to see his friend and colleague walking towards him.

"Well, by the look on your face I'd say you've perused the latest articles." Joe Early was able to read his friend like a good book.

Kel looked at Joe with deep ridges of concern crossing his forehead. "Yea….I've read 'em." He placed the cold coffee cup on the counter beside the base station. "It's only getting worse, Joe….and too many aren't listening."

Dr. Early removed his hands from his pockets and leaned against the nurse's station. "I know it's frustrating, Kel. But, I also read that there was a meeting in D. C. last week and it's been given an official name. Perhaps that'll help wake up the sleeping vulnerable."

Kel stood up a little straighter. "I missed that somehow…..what's the name?"

"Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome…the think tank is hoping that by using the word 'acquired' in the name that more people will realize that it isn't something that just happens randomly. We all can 'acquire' it if we don't avoid certain behaviors." He used his fingers to draw quotation marks in the air then rubbed a well-adorned hand across his forehead. "Of course, not every behavior can be avoided."

Kel pulled one side of his mouth into a grimace. "Nope, can't avoid getting it in a blood transfusion…..or from your mother in utero."

"Huh, we just have to keep shouting until we're heard by the masses." Joe offered pushing off from the counter and waltzing in the direction of the staff lounge. He snagged Kel's cup along the way. "Finished, I presume?"

"Yea….thanks, Joe." He mumbled just as the base station crackled to life.

"Rampart this is Squad 51, how do you read?"

"I got it.…go ahead." He said over his shoulder to the older physician. "We read you loud and clear, go ahead 51."

Joe pushed open the door to the lounge just as Dixie poured out the remnants of her coffee cup and began washing it.

"Want me to do the honors?" She asked with a sparkle in her blue eyes, reaching for the cup in Joe's hand.

He grinned. "Thanks….if you have time. Kel's taking a call from 51's at the base station."

"Guess I better make it quick then…..duty awaits." She quickly washed both her cup along with Kel's then dried her hands before walking out the door. Just as she walked up to the base station she heard the phrase that made her heart skip a beat.

"Rampart…..universal precautions are advised." Tom Wheeler's voice announced over the radio.

"10-4, 51…..Rampart out."

"I'll get the gowns and masks ready in treatment 2. What've we got, Kel?" She asked.

He knew she was aware that the paramedics considered their patient to be HIV positive just by her reaction. "Sounds like another case of pneumonia."

"Well…..let's go get ready." She turned on her heels in front of him.

E!

Johnny climbed into the back of the ambulance with his shivering emaciated male patient curled on his side and strapped to the gurney. He accepted the orange biophone from Tom along with the drug box. He noticed that Wheeler seemed to deliberately cast his gaze away from the patient. _Oh, c'mon, Tom….man, you're better than this._

Tom gave the two taps on the doors of the ambulance signifying the driver that the occupants were ready. He then turned his attention to his gloved hands and began to remove them, careful not to allow the exposed latex to touch his skin. No matter what CDC or the doctors at Rampart said, he wasn't taking any chances. There'd been no blood at the scene other than the small amount from the IV stick and Johnny had handled it. His only physical contact with the patient had been to assist Johnny in moving him from his bed to the stretcher and Tom had been very careful not to touch the man's skin, only his pajama covered legs. He knew he needed to follow the ambulance but instead his paranoia took over. He walked back inside the rundown apartment complex and knocked on the manager's door.

"Yea?" The older heavily made-up woman asked when she opened the door.

"Uh, ma'am….may I use your bathroom to wash my hands please?"

She looked at him with exasperation, cigarette smoke billowing from behind the door. "Did you touch that little fag?" She spat out.

Tom gulped as he realized he was standing face to face with his own prejudice, even though the face looked completely different from his own. "Uh, never mind ma'am….have a good night." He turned around to leave and heard the door slam behind him.

He got behind the wheel of the squad touching no more surfaces than was absolutely necessary, then drove to the nearest all-night service station. He got out and made his way quickly to the restroom where he scrubbed his hands raw before drying them off on the revolving towel and quickly returned to the squad, hopeful that Johnny would never find out what he'd done.

E!

Johnny adjusted the oxygen mask on the man's face and patted him on the shoulder. "Rest easy, we'll be there soon." He spoke from behind his protective mask. He saw his patient's reddened eyes open briefly and hated what he saw there. Pain….not just the pain his medical condition caused but a deeper emotional pain Johnny didn't understand. His eyes closed once more and the lull of the ambulance running sent Johnny's mind back to the last time he'd been at that apartment complex. The man lying before him looked nothing like the man he'd seen only a couple of months ago; the man with the tattoo of "Connie" on his bicep and who Johnny and Roy had seen painting over the offensive word "COCKSUCKERS" painted in pink on his door. Now he lay here appearing to be little more than a shuttering mass of skin and bones clinging to life and Johnny felt useless. He couldn't even offer the simplest of human comfort. _Fuck protocol!_

They were still at least ten minutes out so he had time. Using his right hand he carefully removed his left glove then did the same with his left hand. He swallowed back the fear he felt and forged ahead, reaching down to the frail hand that tightly gripped the white sheet. He laid his warm left hand on top of his patient's smaller left hand and allowed his fingers to curl lightly in the notch between the man's thumb and index finger. He watched his patient's face contort and wrinkle as he tried to keep his emotions in check. He never opened his eyes but Johnny saw the tears slipping from the corners as he felt a weak grasp around his fingers. Something inside of Johnny cringed at the other man's tears. Tears were body fluid so did this man's tears carry the HIV virus within them? Had this been another victim, he would've been sorely tempted to gently brush away the tears from the dying man's face. But this wasn't just any victim; this patient, he was certain, had the killer virus and no matter how hard he tried to pretend he wasn't afraid, Johnny finally had to admit it. He was afraid of this man's body fluids. He held his patient's hand just a moment longer then knew he needed to re-glove his hands before Dr. Brackett caught him violating protocol.

Richard felt Johnny release his hand and pull away. He didn't want to let the warmth of the stranger's hand go but he was too weak to stop it. "Thank….you." He mumbled from behind the oxygen mask but it was enough for Johnny to understand.

"Relax and rest now. We're turning in." Johnny told his patient as he snapped on another pair of gloves slipping the used ones into the red biohazard bag in the back of the ambulance, dropping the bag into the drug box. He'd dispose of his secret later in an appropriate container. He felt the ambulance backing up to the entrance and then watched as two orderlies, clad in full protective gear, met them at the door. "Damn it!" He mumbled through gritted teeth following them down the hallway and into the room where he assumed the two garbed figures inside were Dixie and Dr. Brackett. It was hard to tell when nothing was exposed.

He saw Dixie walk toward him, clipboard in hand. He answered her questions before she asked. "Richard Owens, age late 20's, difficulty breathing times four hours, productive cough times two days and fever in the field was 103.2 degrees. Here're his vitals from on the way in." He thrust a small piece of paper towards her then turned to hang the IV bag he'd been carrying.

Dr. Brackett began his assessment and ordered medication, blood tests and chest x-rays. Once the portable x-ray machine arrived, the medical trio exited into the hallway.

"I'll get his blood to the lab, Kel." Dixie said removing her face mask but keeping her gloves on.

"What are his chances, Doc?" Johnny asked pulling down his protective mask and relishing the coolness of the air on his sweaty face.

Dr. Brackett mirrored his motions as he responded. "Surviving this episode? I'd say fifty/fifty. Long-term survival? Slim to none." His weariness couldn't be disguised on his tired face.

"Helluva way to die." Johnny mused crossing his arms over his gown-covered chest.

"Helluva way to live, too." Kel noticed how clean Johnny's gloved hands were. "Johnny, you did use gloves out there didn't you?"

Johnny looked down at the shiny white latex and pursed his lips. "Oh, yea….second pair." He blurted out before he realized what he'd done.

"Double gloving on these cases is a smart move, Johnny." Kel responded. "You can go now. We'll take it from here."

"Thanks, Doc." He turned to walk away breathing a sigh of relief. He didn't correct his medical director about what he'd meant by 'second pair' of gloves. He knew Dr. Brackett had assumed he'd placed the second set over the first and then removed the soiled pair once he'd completed setting up the IV. He hadn't lied to the doctor; he just hadn't told him the complete truth. He looked around for Wheeler but when he didn't see him he decided to go ahead and dispose of his protective garments in the designated biohazard bin along with the gloves he'd removed in the ambulance. He then stashed the biophone and drug box behind the nurse's station while he went into the men's room to wash up. He hated the way his hands felt after wearing the latex gloves and a little soap and water always made them feel better.

When he stepped out of the restroom, he saw that Tom had arrived and was talking to Sally at the nurse's station. He began making his way down there when Dr. Brackett came out of treatment room 2 for a second time. Johnny looked at him hopefully.

"No change. We're moving him to ICU shortly. I'll keep you posted, John." He said flatly.

Johnny nodded but didn't answer audibly.

Kel hesitated, contemplating asking the question that had been burning in his heart for days now. He quickly decided to go ahead with it. "Do you have a few minutes?"

Johnny regarded Dr. Brackett guardedly. He could only assume the semi-conscious man had inadvertently revealed Johnny's momentary lack of regard for protocol and now he was being reprimanded. "Yea…sure." He said, his tone matching that of Dr. Brackett's.

He walked side by side with the dark haired physician making a quick comment to Tom as they passed the nurse's station. "Wheeler, restock us will ya? I gotta meet with the Doc."

"Sure, Gage." He turned back around, a little too happy to be loitering at Rampart Hospital. Johnny was certain that the pretty blonde nurse standing behind the counter had a little something to do with it.

Johnny followed Dr. Brackett into his office and immediately took his usual seat.

Dr. Brackett parked himself on the corner of his desk and got straight to the point. "How's Roy?"

"Should be back next shift…far as I know. Why?" Johnny shifted nervously in his chair. This was not the question he'd been anticipating.

"Look, Johnny. I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. I don't think you've been completely honest with me. Something else happened at the DeSoto house the other night….something you aren't telling me."

Johnny tightened his jaw muscles grinding his teeth together. How on earth was he going to get out of this without destroying something very dear to him?

Kel couldn't help but notice the younger man's sudden silence. His tense facial muscles also gave him away. "Johnny, I've batted this thing around in my head over and over for the last couple of days and I keep coming back to the same conclusion. Roy didn't refuse to come in here because he'd been drinking did he?"

Johnny leaned forward, elbows on his knees, staring at his feet. He felt sweat beads popping out on his chiseled face as his heart slammed around inside his chest. He never answered the question he'd been asked.

"You aren't going to tell me are you? It could be important, Johnny…don't you care about that?"

Johnny looked up from where he sat and stared into the deep blue eyes of his medical director. "Yea, Doc. I DO care about that…..so please…..I'm beggin' you…..just…let it go?" He whispered the last few words then coughed nervously into his hand. The air in the room seemed to grow thicker with each breath he took.

"I see. This means that my knowing might jeopardize him in some way." He watched as Johnny cut his gaze to the side and began rapidly bouncing his right leg.

"Johnny, is Roy's job more important than his life?" He questioned in his most demanding voice.

"No." Johnny answered standing and finding a new sense of empowerment. His voice deepened as he steeled himself to face the giant he now stood before. "But his life isn't in danger, Doc, no matter what you think." He turned to walk out the door.

"Wait."

Johnny froze but refused to turn back around.

"I think I get what you aren't telling me. And Johnny, no matter what you think about me right now I want you to know that I'm only looking out for Roy's best interest."

Johnny turned around and stared harshly at Dr. Brackett. He tried to put a lid on the sarcasm that began to bubble up from deep within his soul but somehow it made its way from his gut past his heart and out his mouth. "Is that so?"

"Yes…it is so." Kel shot back slowly closing the distance between them. "And I want you to know that I respect you for what you did for him and what you're continuing to do. But don't carry this burden alone, John. You don't have to. There are plenty of professionals here who can help." Kel could only hope the younger man was hearing him.

"Oh right, Doc. And as soon as I consult one of 'em Roy's on administrative leave. And if we happen to slip up and tell the truth then he could lose his job." In spite of himself he couldn't stop the behavior he knew would land him inside Hank's office as soon as he backed the squad into the station. He raised his right hand and pointed an angry index finger in Kel's direction. "No thanks, Doc. That's not helping at all. He'll be fine…is fine." He quickly corrected.

Kel crossed his arms but didn't allow Johnny's anger to be reflected back at the paramedic. Johnny was easy to provoke especially when the subject of the conversation was someone he felt protective of. Kel decided to diffuse the situation instead. "I get it, Johnny…I do. And I don't agree with it either. Just know this….you haven't revealed anything to me. I made a house call remember? I spoke to him for quite a while….figured it out on my own. And since it isn't substantiated, it never has to leave this office. And it won't, alright? BUT, please just promise me this one thing…..if it happens again, call me and let's work together to get him help."

Johnny felt the anger leave his body as quickly as his lungs expelled the breath he'd been holding. His lips pressed into a thin line as he contemplated whether he could trust what Dr. Brackett was saying. The man had never lied to him before and he'd always been up front and honest. He decided he needed to accept the lifeline Kel was currently offering. He swallowed hard before he answered.

"Um…'k….I promise, Doc. And..uh…I'm sorry for…"

"Don't apologize, Johnny. You were protecting your friend…your brother….and I wish the department didn't force you into that position but….it does….so I get it. I appreciate that in you. Just…just let me help if it's needed." Kel broke their uncomfortable eye contact first.

Johnny's agreement was a barely perceptible nod. "Thanks." He turned and walked out the door leaving behind a physician silently praying to every known deity who might be listening, that Johnny would never have to make that call.

E!


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: warning for sexual content and language.

Humanity Is Vulnerable-25e

"Need any more ice?" Roy asked looking at Joanne from behind the freezer door of their refrigerator. They'd made great headway during their morning talk. Both had swollen eyes from crying but even so, both were experiencing a feeling of fulfillment. The journey was painful but it was progress. '_Anything worth having is worth working for', _he could still hear his grandmother's voice even though she'd been dead for nearly two decades. He knew she was right and her words had never rung more true than at this moment. _It's work….it's hard work…but it's all worth it. _

"Um.." Joanne sniffed again as she looked down at the glass in front of her. "Maybe a little more."

Roy put a few extra pieces of ice in his empty glass to share with Joanne when he returned to the table, then closed the door. The ice cubes splashed some lemonade onto the table when he tapped the edge of his glass to pour the extra ice into her half-filled glass. "Oops…sorry." He reached for a napkin at the same time she did and they both giggled at their shenanigans.

He won the battle for the napkin and began to wipe up the mess. Seeing the liquid on the table immediately threw his mind into reverse and he remembered knocking over the vase of roses she'd left dying on the table. His mind lingered on how, to her, the roses must have made him look even guiltier of marital indiscretion than just the lipstick smudge. _No wonder she thought I was cheating…..I never take the time to send her flowers anymore. _

Joanne stared at her sandwich. She hadn't felt like cooking; neither of them felt like doing anything really. They were both exhausted from their emotional journey through the marital fog that had settled over them in recent weeks. She glanced up at Roy and noticed the faraway look in his eyes as he wiped up the moisture he had spilled.

"Roy? What are you thinking about?" She reached out taking over the clean-up from him.

He clasped his hands together and briefly rested his forehead on them. "Ah….just how….how I'm never going to take you for granted ever again." He didn't feel like delving deeper into the emotional abyss until after they'd rested for a little while so he reached down and took a bite of his sandwich.

Joanne mimicked his actions with her own sandwich but not before she added. "That goes both ways, sweetheart. That goes both ways."

E!

Johnny slammed the driver's door of the squad and cranked it up just as Tom keyed up the mic.

"Squad 51 available."

The mood in the cab of the squad was subdued as the two paramedics made their way back to the station. Johnny looked to his right as he pulled up to a traffic light. The expression on his partner's face spoke volumes. He pursed his lips into an exasperated thin line. _Cap, I know Wheeler wasn't who you were talking about but here goes…_

"Tough run, huh?" Johnny said as he continued driving back towards 223rd street.

Tom felt his stomach knot up but managed to provide a comment for the uncomfortable conversation.

"Yea…tough to look at."

Johnny knitted his eyebrows together. "What'da ya mean by that?"

Tom swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. "Well, just….I don't know. I mean…I feel bad for the guy but…..well…damn….doesn't anything scare you, Gage?"

"Of course…..uh...mountain lions, bullets whizzing by my head during a high rise rescue.." Johnny shuttered at the memory of that long ago event. "Um, let's see… sharks…..why?" Johnny thought he knew what Wheeler was thinking.

Tom looked out his rolled down window before he answered. "Doesn't this shit scare you at all?"

Johnny grimaced. "By 'shit' do you mean HIV…..or the people who've been infected by it?"

"Don't put words in my mouth, John." Tom mumbled but it was loud enough for Johnny to hear it. He knew Wheeler wasn't comfortable with the topic but he also felt like he needed to push the envelope a little with the subject matter.

"Look, I understand…..and yes, it is scary, a'right?" He inhaled deeply hoping he could find the right words. "But, man we still have a job to do," he waved his hand in front of them at the people in vehicles and the pedestrians walking on either side of the street. "...and these folks need us to do it?"

"Don't you think I know that?" Tom ran a nervous hand across his forehead. "It's just that…..well…that guy's situation wasn't like the car accident we worked earlier." There, he'd said it; he'd admitted his true feelings.

Johnny's mouth hung open in dismay. "So, he deserved this illness but Mrs. Carmichael didn't deserve to die? Is that it?"

"Yes….I mean, No…..I didn't mean it like that! Fuck!" Wheeler slammed his hand against the side of the squad door. "What I mean is, they didn't do anything wrong and now Mr. Carmichael is in ICU and Mrs. Carmichael is in the morgue!"

"And right now, Mr. Owens is in ICU and it won't be long before he's in the morgue…..so what's your point?" Johnny wasn't going to cut his temporary partner any slack.

Wheeler shot Johnny a glance then turned back to face forward. "The difference is that he did something to get HIV but the Carmichael's didn't do anything to deserve to be in that accident."

Johnny lifted his chin cutting his dark eyes at his sandy haired partner. "Sure they did….I mean, hell man…they shouldn't've been driving in the outside lane." He smirked his half grin at his partner. He had just busted him and he knew it.

Tom screwed his face up in confusion. "What?"

"Well, if they'd been driving in the inside lane, then they'd've missed the whole thing. The accident started in the middle lane and ended in the outside one. So….if they'd've just been in the inside lane they'd both be fine now….simple as that." Johnny glanced at his reflection in the side mirror then back on the road.

Tom Wheeler looked at Johnny as though he'd taken temporary leave of his senses. "What the fuck are you talking about, Gage? They had no way of knowing an accident was about to happen in their lane!"

Johnny could feel Tom's eyes staring at him but he never flinched under the unspoken pressure. He counted to three, allowing the simple silence to permeate the air between them before exhaling hard. "And do you think for one lousy minute that when Mr. Owens became infected with HIV – however that may have happened…" He eased to a stop at the last light before arriving at the station and turned to look directly at Wheeler. "….that he'd've continued whatever it was he was doin'?"

Wheeler opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Johnny's lower than normal tone. "Unless, he was infected by say…..oh, I dunno, a blood transfusion or somethin'."

"You know that's not how he got it!" Tom's neck and face were turning red.

"No, Tom…..I don't know…..and neither do you, for that matter." The light turned green and Johnny accelerated, a little slower than normal. "Besides, he pays our salary same as every other taxpayer…..so why does it matter what he has or how he got it?"

Finally sensing he was being allowed to speak, Tom pointed his index finger at his chest. "Because I don't want to get it, alright?"

"All that's expected of you is to treat him just like you would anybody else….do your job...not have sex with him?"

Tom felt his anger boiling through his veins…..but something else was mixed with it…..humiliation. Johnny HAD noticed his lack of physical contact with their patient. Now the question was what would he do about it? He saw the station coming into view and knew their conversation would end soon but quickly decided he couldn't let it end like this. He cleared his throat. "Ahem…..you know Callahan and Jacobs left their squad and went back on the engine over at 36's."

Johnny felt a tiny hint of victory in his soul. "Yep….probably gonna lose more good men and women too….all because of fear and prejudice."

Tom felt the fight beginning to drain out of him but he had to continue. "Fear can be a healthy thing, Gage, keeps most men in our line of work sane….and alive."

Johnny slowed down and flipped on the lights. He waited to ensure that traffic had yielded to him before he began backing the squad into its usual resting place beside Big Red. He shifted into park and with both hands gripping the wheel in silent fury he finally spoke. "Fear and respect are two completely different things, Wheeler." He leaned back in the seat finally looking his partner in the eyes. "We respect fire same as we have to respect HIV..." He pointed his index finger at his own chest for emphasis then continued,"….but I, for one, refuse to allow myself to become paralyzed by fear while I watch victims die in an inferno when I know I can get them out. All I have to do is put on my turnouts, my SCBA, maybe a lifeline and go in and get'em." Johnny took a deep breath. "Just like I can't stand by now and watch my fellow brothers and sisters suffer when I know I can at least offer them a bit of comfort when they need it most. I just hafta glove up, maybe use an apron and face shield if necessary….and go on and take care of them." He purposefully kept his voice soft and non-threatening. He wasn't trying to pick a fight; he merely wanted to point out to his partner what had become increasingly obvious to him. "Anyone who wears this uniform and badge has to leave their personal views in their lockers….and then decide if they want to control their fears and prejudices…..or be controlled by them."

Tom didn't make a move to get out of the squad and neither did Johnny. Instead, Tom stared at the dashboard chewing on his bottom lip.

Johnny knew that he'd gotten through to Tom but he also knew that Tom remained seated in the cab for a reason. He was grateful that none of the other guys seemed to take notice that they were still sitting in the squad.

"Gage?"

"Yea?" Johnny looked hopefully at the other paramedic.

"I blew it, man. I..I.." He swallowed hard then licked his dry lips. "I'm a better paramedic than what you saw back there." His voice was barely a whisper. "But….this shit scares the hell outta me."

Johnny felt empathy for his partner. "It scares the hell outta all of us. But, we just use our protective equipment and move forward." He hesitated as Tom nodded his head in agreement. "Tom, you can treat the patients well and still be afraid of their blood. It doesn't become a problem until we don't give them the best we have to offer because of who they are or what they've got." Johnny allowed his hands to become more animated as his voice grew a little louder. "What if it was you or me who had it, huh? Would we want to be left alone to die because those who have the skills to relieve our suffering refuse to help us? Or worse, because they think we deserve it?"

"I know, you're right…I caught myself not wanting to touch the guy at all and…..damn it! I just…." He finally looked over at Johnny. "I just can't let that happen again."

Johnny allowed the faintest half smile to light his dark eyes. "And now that you realize it….you'll be more aware of it….and I bet it won't happen again."

Tom Wheeler didn't look across the seat. He offered a vague nod as he reached for the door handle and opened it up. Johnny followed his lead then met him as he rounded the back of the squad heading for the dayroom. He cupped his hand around the back of Wheeler's neck in a symbol of brotherly support. "It'll all work out….you'll see."

E!

"You look tired, Jo."

Joanne raised her pretty green eyes in mock aggravation at her husband. "Thanks a lot."

The dark circles appeared even more prominent from Roy's visual angle. "Listen, I think we've covered a lot of ground this morning….why don't you go get some rest? You've lost a lot of sleep over the last few days because of me."

As if on cue, Joanne's eyes began to water as she stifled a yawn. She knew there was no need to argue with him. He was absolutely correct; she was exhausted.

Roy snickered a little at the sight of her yawning. He knew there was no way she could deny it now. "C'mon, sweetheart," he stood gently grasping her elbow. "Let's get you to bed for a nap."

"Oh a'right, Daddy." Joanne poked out her lower lip mimicking the way Jennifer behaved when she was sulking.

Roy couldn't help himself. He cackled out laughing…..and the sensation felt marvelous. "Yep, I thought she inherited that from you."

They both were still smiling when they reached the top of the stairs. He held the door to their bedroom open for her enjoying the scent of her shampoo as the top of her head waltzed just beneath his nose. She headed into the bathroom to brush her teeth while he pulled back the covers on their bed. His thoughts briefly strayed to thoughts of making love to her again soon but the idea was quickly pushed to the back of his mind; there was still a lot more to be done to repair their marriage. He heard the water running and knew she was rinsing her mouth. He toed off his shoes and peeled off his outer shirt just as she came out of the bathroom.

"Joining me?" She asked with a flirtatious wink.

He felt his blush rising around the collar of his undershirt. "No…just getting more comfortable….but I'd like to give you a massage if you don't mind? It'll help you relax and rest." He hoped he sounded convincing.

"Aha," she laughed slightly. "Oh, I don't mind." Her grin lit up her entire face then leaped over to Roy's face as well.

With a smile glued in place, he sauntered over to where she stood beside the bed and began to unbutton her blouse. One by one the buttons opened up revealing her pale blue satin bra. His fingers continued until they found the last button then deftly climbed back up her silky flesh and pulled the garment off her shoulders. He ran his fingers up her arms and felt her shiver at the lightness of his touch. He could feel her eyes staring into his own but he didn't make eye contact. He stood drinking in the sight of her while he reached around beneath her arms and skillfully unhooked her bra. He pulled the straps down from her shoulders and allowed the undergarment to fall to the floor between them. His groin ached at the vision of beauty standing half naked before him. He reached down and unsnapped her pants feeling her shift her weight from one side to the other toeing off her shoes. He slowly released the zipper allowing his hands access below her waist to reach down removing the jeans from her hips and caressing her bottom in the process. He felt her small hands stroking the back of his head then running through his hair and he closed his eyes amid the sensations.

Again, she shifted from one foot to the other stepping out of her jeans longing for his touch to separate her from the blue satin panties that remained. She ran her fingers through his auburn hair seeing him inhale deeply while closing his eyes. She felt him leaning down and she slightly parted her lips anticipating the kiss she never received. Instead, she felt the feather-softness of his lips on her forehead.

Roy kissed her gently then lowered his head nearer her ear. "I love you so much, Jo." His breathing hitched as his lower belly burned with desire.

"Please….." she began, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his head closer to her neck. "I need you. Make love to me…please?"

Roy's heart ached as much as his throbbing manhood. He wanted nothing more than to do just what she was requesting. But, he also knew they weren't ready. And he didn't want to take a chance on ruining this. "Jo.." He pulled back slightly looking deeply into her dilated emerald eyes. "I want to….so badly but.." He struggled to explain to her what he was feeling. "It's just too soon."

Joanne felt like she'd been stabbed in the heart and suddenly her nakedness felt uncomfortable.

Roy watched the shadow cross her face and knew she was misunderstanding his refusal. "Nu-uh…Baby, it isn't that I don't want to…..it's just that….well, if we do that now then…..I don't know….I'd feel like we were trying to use sex to fix our marriage when we need to repair the damage so we can fully enjoy each other….no barriers…..no.." He exhaled searching for the right words. "No wondering if you want me to make love to you just to prove that I'm as attracted to you as ever. Jo…I want us to make love to each other….not try to prove something….just, feeling free to…to enjoy it….ahh...damn it…I can't explain it right."

She let a silent tear slip down her left cheek. His words had hit home with her. That was exactly what she was doing. She was trying to seduce him just to prove to herself that she could make him want her. It was the same reason she'd dressed in the short skirt and headed off to the grocery store that day. She was wanting him to prove he was physically attracted to her not necessarily make love to her. "Honey….." She sniffed again. "You're right." She laid her head against his chest, closing her eyes as she listened to his heart beat and his even breathing. "I'm…I'm sorry."

"Shhh….let's not go there." He held her, gently stroking her bare back while he rested his chin on her head. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever known…and I love you more than you could possibly even imagine." He kissed the top of her head again, breathing in her scent. "I'm looking forward to us spending a lot of time making love…..soon. Please?"

She felt a slight giggle gurgle from deep within her throat. "I thought it was supposed to always be the woman putting the man off for sex." She snickered.

"Yea," he agreed smiling. "I guess this is different, huh?" He held her a minute more as his soothing strokes along her back inched lower until his fingers dipped beneath the band of her panties and he slowly lowered them over her hips and down her thighs until they fell to the floor. "Now, lie down and let me get started on that massage I promised."

She smiled up through her long eyelashes, lightly brushing the front of his pants with the back of her hand as she turned and lay down on her stomach. He was hard and she felt a certain sense of accomplishment in knowing he was aroused.

Roy shifted his jeans to improve his comfort level. He knew she'd touched him deliberately and he smiled at the thought. Maybe she did want him, not just to prove something but because she loved him. No matter, he would wait. It would be uncomfortable, he knew from experience, but he knew that when they finally did make love it would be like nothing they'd ever experienced.

"Ok, now take a deep cleansing breath and relax." He listened to her inhale and exhale audibly as he reached for the lotion she normally kept in the drawer of her nightstand. "Atta, girl." He watched as her shoulders relaxed a little. He clicked the top of the lotion cap open and poured a generous supply of the yellow cream into the palm of his hands. He replaced the bottle and then rubbed his hands together to warm it up while he allowed his eyes to survey her. She was the epitome of beauty and for reasons he'd never fully understand, she loved him. _Never again, Jo. I promise I'll never hurt you ever again._

She lay there trying to relax but that only made the tension in her shoulders appear that much more evident. She turned her head to the right as she exhaled, closing her eyes trying not to think about how she must look to him at the moment. She still didn't feel completely at ease with her nudity; still didn't think he would ever be as happy with her body as he'd been before Chris and Jenny were born. She heard the snapping sound of her lotion bottle and felt the bed shift underneath his weight as he sat down near her hips. She could hear the squishing sound of him rubbing his hands together but she was unprepared for his touch. The warmth and gentleness of his palms gliding smoothly from her upper neck down the length of her shoulders down her biceps sent a jolt of electricity through her body heading straight to her pelvis. He repeated the motions with a little more pressure and an unbidden guttural sigh made its way from her throat. Again and again he stroked her shoulders and she felt them growing heavier and heavier with each pass of his palms. Her breathing became deeper and her eyelids heavier as his magical hands made their way ever so slowly down her back, taking with them the stress and strain she'd carried for weeks.

Roy felt her jump slightly when he first touched her but couldn't resist the smile that spread across his face as he felt her sinking lower into the mattress. She had done so much for him, he was glad to be able to bring her some comfort. By the time he'd made his way down to the dimples on her lower back, his hands were becoming dry again. He replenished them with more lotion and then began to massage the smooth twin mounds of flesh at the base of her back. He grinned to himself as he thought about how much he enjoyed cupping her buttocks as she rode him during their more aggressive sexual encounters. The memory reminded him of how perfectly proportioned she was as he thought about her perky breasts bouncing in perfect rhythm with each upward thrust he made while his hands were busy kneading her silky ass cheeks. His cock twitched within the confines of his clothing as if begging to be released. The sensation brought him back to the present and he lowered his hands to her thighs as he continued her full body massage. The feeling of her muscular legs sent his mind reeling back to all the times she locked them around him as he brought her closer and closer to her climax. She never hesitated to let him know when something felt good; her vocalizations stroking his ego while his firm member stroked her intimate region in return. By the time his fingers finished caressing her expertly polished red toenails, he could hear her faint lady-like snores. He smiled at his accomplishment; he'd managed to relax her enough for her to fall into a deep and restful sleep. He slowly rose from the bed and pulled the covers up around her shoulders kissing her lightly on her exposed right cheek. He didn't want to wake her; the kiss was for him more so than for her. He slowly walked around the room, albeit very uncomfortably, and closed the curtains then turned off the light. He eased the door closed and slowly made his way down the stairs to take care of his own need. He didn't want to shower in their bathroom for fear of the running water waking her. His need for a shower had less to do with getting clean and more to do with finding a release from the pressure he'd allowed to build up while touching Joanne's naked body. It'd been several weeks since his last orgasm and right now, he knew he needed the relief. Ten minutes later he was standing in the hot shower of the guest bathroom leaning against the shower wall stroking himself with his eyes closed imaging that the hand he felt around his rigid cock was Joanne's rather than his own.

E!

"Hey, Cap….coffee fresh?" Johnny spoke as he and Wheeler walked through the doors of the kitchen.

"Yea and there's soup in the pot on the stove. It should still be warm and there's sandwich fixings in the refrigerator." Hank switched the channel on the television set searching for something to watch other than The Phil Donohue Show. Now that his crew was back he could begin going over the latest plans for the new warehouse going up on Alameda within their jurisdiction.

"Read'em and weep!" Mike spread out his hand of cards on the table, smiling as he watched Chet's eyes grow as big as saucers.

"He gotcha."

"Oh whose side are you on anyway, Marco?" Chet asked heatedly.

"Mike's, amigo. He supplies the water."

"Good one, Marco." Johnny laughed as he slathered a dollop of mayonnaise on four slices of bread.

Tom watched the whole scenario with amazement. He wondered if….no longer wondering when….Johnny would complain to Hank about his earlier behavior.

"Mayo?"

Tom looked up startled by Johnny's voice. "Uh, oh yea, thanks man."

An hour later, Hank was just finishing up going over the plans when the tones sounded.

_Engine 51….illegal dump fire…._

Johnny snickered at Chet's face. "They're playing your song, Pally."

"Yea…yea…I heard it." Chet rolled his eyes. "How come there's never any bullshit calls for the squad, huh?" He fussed scraping his chair back as he and the other three men headed toward the engine.

"Never any bull…..what? We get'em all the time!" He shouted while following Chet's retreating form out the kitchen door. He headed for the radio with Wheeler at his side.

"Engine 51, KMG-365," Johnny answered the dispatcher while Tom wrote down the address passing it off to his temporary Captain as he opened up the bay door. The task was normally handled by Hank but since the squad wasn't being dispatched, Tom and Johnny took over the job of acknowledging the call.

Johnny waved smiling sarcastically as Mike pulled the engine out of the bay. Chet caught sight of his display and gave him a little display of his own using his middle finger.

Wheeler looked over at Johnny who was still laughing to himself while they walked back into the dayroom. "Can I ask you something?"

"Haha…yea, sure."

Johnny pulled out a seat for Wheeler then one for himself, sitting on the back with his feet in the seat. The position had gotten him in hot water with Hank on many occasions. "What's on your mind?"

Tom strummed his fingers nervously on the table. "Uh…what are you gonna tell Cap about what I did earlier."

Johnny smiled his trademark grin. "I don't know….what'd'ja do?"

"Come on, John…."

Johnny placed his chin in his hand in a perfect depiction of 'The Thinker.' "Hmmmmm, nope….can't think of a thing to report." He stepped down returning the chair back to its place underneath the table. He clapped his hands together rubbing them briskly. "Now….let's see what we can find for dessert."

"Thanks, man." Tom smiled in relief.

Johnny hesitated then moved on to the refrigerator without saying another word.

E!

Roy finished cleaning the bathroom, eliminating the evidence of his solo activities before walking back into the kitchen. He removed the phonebook from the drawer and quickly thumbed to the section he was looking for. He found the number then cast a quick glance upstairs to make sure Joanne wasn't coming down before turning back around to the kitchen counter just as he heard the ringing begin on the other end.


	26. Chapter 26

Humanity Is Vulnerable – 26e

"Coffee?" Dixie waited patiently for her chief of emergency medicine to look up from the chart he was reading. When he didn't, she placed a dainty hand on her hip. "A-hem…"

"Oh…did you say something, Dix?" Kel's dark blue eyes stared questioningly at her.

"Coffee?" She repeated in her concern-laced smoky voice.

Kel slammed the metal file shut and exhaled loudly. "Yea….why not?" He gave her a half smile as she led him around the nurse's station and towards the staff lounge.

"What….or who….has you so worried? Richard Owens?" She asked remembering he'd been reviewing a patient's chart.

He blew across the steaming cup as he pulled out her chair first then took the seat beside her. "Not him but a similar case. It's a patient 36's brought in a few days ago. He's responding quicker to our treatments than the others have….and I just don't get it."

"Well, maybe you should just celebrate the victory instead of questioning it." She admonished behind her long lashes.

Kel knew she was right. He'd worked in emergency medicine long enough to know that not every patient could be saved. The truth was he hated to lose. And to him, this felt like a losing battle. Kelly Brackett had a competitive streak as big as his heart and even bigger than his ego. "I know….I just wish I could figure it out."

"So you could bottle it and sell it?" She tried to lighten his mood.

"Not exactly…..so I could isolate it and figure out how to duplicate it in other patients," he answered; his voice as serious as ever. "He has AIDS just like the other men but for reasons unknown he seems to be able to fight this current infection of pneumocystis carinii pneumonia whereas the others succumbed to it."

Dixie lowered her cup keeping it held firmly between both hands. "Or, maybe the others were just farther along in their illness than he is now. Maybe they were sicker so they couldn't fight it as strongly as he's fighting it. Next time he might not make it either."

"Well, that's my theory…..but right now that's all it is." He looked back at his cup.

"Kel, HIV and AIDS are so new that theories are really all we have. Report your findings to CDC just like they asked. Who knows, maybe this young man will be able to help find a cure for it soon." She sipped her drink needing the caffeine rush as the afternoon seemed to be dragging.

"Let's hope so, Dix. Because if this thing turns into a full-scale epidemic then we could lose a lot more lives."

"And a lot more medical staff too." She interrupted casting her blue gaze away from him.

Kel leaned back in his seat crossing his ankle over one knee as her words sank in. "How many?"

She played with her bracelet for a moment while she silently added up the number. "Seven." She met his azure eyes with her own. "Four nurses hospital-wide, one in the lab and two in housekeeping."

He stared up at the ceiling crossing his arms in exasperation. "And that's just here. I haven't even thought to ask about the staffing situation at the other hospitals."

"And the grapevine's busy too, Kel. I think we've lost a few paramedics."

"Damn it!" He slapped the table splashing droplets of coffee as he rattled the cups. "I'm sorry….that was uncalled for."

Dixie stood up, stepping behind him and rubbing his tense shoulders. "It's ok, Kel. You're human…we're all human….and it's ok to be upset."

Reaching around, he grasped her small hand in his own larger one. "But where does it end, Dixie…..when does it end?"

E!

Joanne stretched and rolled over expecting Roy to be lying by her side. When she felt the emptiness where he should be, panic temporarily washed over her. She looked around the dimly lit room then sat up, suddenly feeling the air on her bare back. The cooling sensation across her naked form brought back the memory of Roy undressing her and giving her a massage. She pulled the cover up beneath her chin smiling to herself as she allowed his actions to replay inside her mind. She had certainly enjoyed his touch and realized she must have fallen asleep. _Oh no! I hope he isn't mad. _She turned, swinging her legs over the side. She picked up her rumpled clothing from the pile where it had been dropped earlier then made her way downstairs. From somewhere deep in her soul, the tiniest bud of doubt appeared. Would he still be here? Had this all been a set up for him to leave her? She tiptoed down the stairs and was concerned by the quietness inside their home. The television was silent and there was no sounds to indicate Roy was anywhere in the house.

She finished buttoning up her blouse as she made her way through their empty living room feeling that doubt-filled bud begin to swell as it blossomed. "Roy?" She called in a now shaky voice. She didn't wait for an answer; she rushed to the back door to check the deck. The door was locked but she could see through the small window and the deck was completely empty. "ROY?" Her eyes began to tear up as she ran back through the kitchen toward the front door. She found it too was locked and the blossom of doubt turned into a fully blooming panic. "ROY!" She shouted unlocking the front door and pulling it open only to see her fears realized.

E!

Chet looked at the stack of dishes the men had left in the sink. "Pigs." He huffed to himself then turned on the hot water pouring the dishwashing liquid beneath the steaming stream.

"Anything special you fellas want to watch tonight?" Marco turned to look at the remainder of the group circling their chairs around the television set.

"Doesn't '_Magnum P.I.'_ come on tonight?"

"I think so, John." Marco pounded his fist in a quick double pop on the side of the ancient set and waited for the picture to clear. He then turned the dial to the correct channel. "Oh, I'd love to have a car like that!"

"On our salary? Get real, Marco." Johnny quipped.

"I never said I'd have one…..just that I'd like to have one."

"You want to take a spin in the squad? It's small and red." Johnny flashed his crooked grin.

"Not the same, John…not the same." Marco said taking a seat as the theme song began to play in the background of their conversation.

Hank leaned back in his seat enjoying the light banter among his crew. He knitted his eyebrows together looking around the room suspiciously. "Mike, I thought I gave you kitchen clean-up this morning?"

Chet spun around, suds up to his elbows and rolled his eyes at Mike's back.

"Well, Chet graciously offered to do the dishes for me." Mike deadpanned.

Tom couldn't help himself. His regular shiftmates weren't this much fun to be around. He snickered as he remembered the card game he and Johnny had walked into just after lunch. Then the entire room broke out into belly heaving laughs when Chet expertly executed a hook shot with the dry dishcloth in Mike's direction.

Mike couldn't stop the grin that overtook his face as he looked around the blue and white striped cloth now draped haphazardly across his head and face. He pulled it off and threw it back at Chet just as the phone in the dayroom rang.

Johnny pulled his feet out of his neighboring chair and stood up heading in the direction of the ringing phone. "I'll get it….…Station 51, Firefighter Gage speaking."

Hank looked at his watch, briefly wondering if his wife was making her nightly call a little early.

Johnny immediately recognized the frantic female voice on the other end of the line. "Ho-hold on a minute. Lemme call you back from the dorm….I..I will, I promise." He hung up quickly and headed out the door shouting over his shoulder. "Gotta return a phone call, Cap."

"So we heard, John." Hank shook his head with a chuckle, imagining some distraught young lady about to chew on his paramedic's ass for some misdeed, real or otherwise.

Johnny quickly hustled around the vehicles and shoved open the door to the dorm then picked up the phone dialing the familiar number. He only heard half a ring before it was answered.

"Hello?"

"Jo, it's me….now, take a deep breath, calm down and start over…..what's happened?"

E!

Joanne stood in her kitchen with one arm wrapped around her waist hugging herself while she held the phone up to her ear with her other trembling hand. "Oh Johnny….he's…he's not here. I mean," she hesitated to tear a paper towel off the roll to dry her eyes and wipe her nose. "We've gotten along so well today and we've talked and….and then I took a nap and…..he's gone….I woke up and he's gone." She leaned back against the wall in an effort to remain standing but inside she was wilting fast.

"Ok, now take it easy….is he on the deck or is…"

"No, no….I've looked everywhere and his car's gone too. Oh Joohhnny….w-what'd I d-do wrong?" She wailed.

"Sshhh…did you look around for.."

"Johnny, I hear something….oh God…"

Panic rose in Johnny's chest as he listened to her rapid breathing and the squeaking noises coming from her panic-constricted throat. "Joanne?"

"ROY…..Ohmygod!...Johnny, it's..it's him. He's home. I gotta go." He heard her talking in the background just as he heard the click of her hanging up the receiver. He sat there trying to calm his own frayed nerves before returning to the dayroom to face the other crew members. Luckily, they didn't know who had called him so he felt no obligation to tell anyone anything…..not even his captain.

E!

Roy struggled with the white plastic bags of Chinese food while trying to maneuver his keys from his pocket without spilling any of the water in the vase. He finally managed to get the key angled just right to fit the lock and turned it. Suddenly, the scream of his wife sent a cold chill down his spine.

"Roy!"

He jerked his head up at the sound of her raised voice feeling the adrenaline rush through his body. "Honey? What's wrong?" He hurriedly set the bags down on the sofa and met her at the entrance of the kitchen, holding the vase of red roses he'd ordered earlier to the side as she slammed her petite body into his.

She wrapped her arms around his neck allowing the feel of his warmth smother the bloom of doubt that had taken root in her soul. She kissed his neck then squeezed him again as her body convulsed with emotions. "I..I was so…so scared."

Roy had never been more puzzled in his life. He wrapped his free arm around his crying wife trying to comfort her. "Joanne…baby, what's wrong…what's happened?" Immediately, his mind raced to the children. "Has…Joanne talk to me…has something happened to the kids." He stretched his arm out enough to be able to set the vase on the table then pulled her back to hold his hands on either side of her tear stained face as he searched for an answer.

"Kids? Oh..no." She shook her head looking through blurry eyes. "No, Roy….I, I couldn't find you and I…I was.."

"I'm here, baby…..sshhh…I'm here. I…I just went to pick up some dinner for us….sshhh." He rocked her gently while she sobbed. "I'm so sorry…..I didn't want to wake you 'cause you needed your rest and…..I left you a note.." He kept trying to comfort her by rubbing her back with one hand and her hair with the other.

"I….I," she sniffed. "I didn't see a note. I was so…scared."

"C'mon." He eased her toward the kitchen table pulling out her usual chair. "Everything's gonna be ok, sweetheart." Once she was seated, he squeezed her shoulder then returned to retrieve the bags of Chinese food. He'd decided to get take-out from the same restaurant Chet had ordered from when he had promised the crew at Station 51 a real ethnic dinner.

Walking back to the kitchen, he set the two bags down on the counter where he'd left the note.

Joanne pulled her hands away from her face and sat staring at the table; the earlier adrenaline rush was beginning to wane. Before her, she saw the most beautiful bouquet of red roses mixed with white baby's breath and greenery. "For me?" She heard her voice squeak as she asked the question.

"Yes, of course they are. I'm afraid the first bouquet I sent didn't last as long as I'd hoped and I wanted to replace them…..kind of a way to symbolize us starting over too." He smiled at her feeling a bit of remorse for the pain he'd caused her.

"They're beautiful….I love them. Thank you."

He watched her stand up, leaning over to sniff the roses and was pleased by her reaction. He pulled out the container of lo mein noodles when a sudden breeze blew in through the slightly opened kitchen window and blew the paper receipt from the top of the container. He watched as the receipt floated on the wind then dropped quickly sliding underneath the refrigerator. He gulped as understanding made its presence known. He could hear Joanne continuing to admire the flowers he'd purchased even when he knelt down and looked under the refrigerator. There was the receipt as well as the note he'd left for her. "Hey, I found the note I left you. See," he held it up waving it so she'd see that he really had tried not to worry her. "I really did try to let you know…" Another older piece of paper caught his attention. He reached farther beneath the appliance and was able to touch the tip of it with his middle finger. He grimaced as he stretched as far as he could and was thankful it was just enough to secure the paper and pull it back out. He looked at it reading it silently. "Awww, shit!"

"What?" Joanne spun around at the sound of his swearing.

"Uh…." He climbed back up off the floor. "I found the note I left you. The wind blew it underneath the refrigerator." He stepped over to sit beside her. "Here it is…..but, Joanne I found another note too." He laid down the dust covered piece of paper. Now, he realized that she'd never seen it. She hadn't received his heartfelt apology…..and it'd almost cost him his life. He gulped as she laid it on the table and pushed it towards her.

_Jo my love,_

_I'm so sorry I hurt you. Will you please, please forgive me? I never meant to do that. You are my world and I just want to take back everything I did wrong this morning. Dr. Brackett called an emergency meeting at the hospital for all paramedics at 10:00am and I'm riding over there with Johnny. Please don't shut me out. Please? I love you with all my heart._

_Roy_

Joanne read the note and felt her mouth go instantly dry. "When did you write this?" She asked almost afraid of his answer.

"I left it for you the morning I …after…when I hurt you. I wanted to write so much more but I had to go to a meeting at Rampart; it was when we found out about HIV. I…I really thought we'd talk when I got back home but you never mentioned it so I knew….or thought that you couldn't forgive me…..so I just didn't mention it either….now I know why you didn't." He fought the stinging behind his eyes.

"I swear…..Roy, I swear I never saw it. I….I.."

He reached out to her, pulling her into another hug. "I know, Jo. I realize that now. But I didn't then. I just thought…..well, I just thought you stayed angry with me….that you couldn't forgive me."

"And I thought that you weren't satisfied with our sex life; that I wasn't enough for you." She reached out to hold his hand. "This whole mess…it was all just….just a misunderstanding."

"Yea….one that could've cost us our marriage." He knew she was thinking about more than just the demise of their marriage.

Joanne sat in silence needing no reminder of how the misunderstanding had nearly left her a widow with two fatherless children.

E!

Not long after wake-up tones sounded, Mike was dressed and outside the station hoisting the flags into place and retrieving the morning paper. Tom was pouring himself a cup of coffee when he saw Mike return and toss the paper on the kitchen table. Chet was the first to grope the folded paper in an attempt to find the sports page. Marco didn't seem particularly interested in reading this morning and Johnny was still brushing his teeth. Tom hurriedly reached for the remainder of the paper scanning quickly to see if the photographer had managed to publish the photo of him at the fatal accident scene on the 405 the previous day. After searching through multiple pages he finally saw the small but obvious photograph. _Aww, shit! Gage won't let me live this down!_ He reached for his cup of coffee….then smiled at the brilliance of an idea forming in his head.

"Good mornin', good mornin', good mornin'."

A chorus of 'morning, Gage' echoed around the kitchen and one shouting expletive.

"Sonofabitch!" Tom jumped up wadding up the section of paper that now contained half his cup of coffee spilled precisely on top of his picture.

"Oh, here lemme help." Johnny pulled a handful of paper towels from the roll and began cleaning up the liquid that remained on the table while Tom rushed to the trash can to dispose of the evidence.

_Whew! "_Sorry about the paper, guys." He lied.

An hour later the men of 'A' shift were replaced by 'B' shift. Tom Wheeler finished dressing in his civvies before Johnny and made his way out to his car. He knew he couldn't leave without one final word with his partner of the last 24 hours. He threw his duffle bag into the back seat and pretended to be searching for something in his glove box until he heard Gage's voice in the back lot.

"Have a good time with Susan but don't do anything I wouldn't do." Gage's laugh was almost contagious as he and Chet sparred.

"Aww, c'mon, Gage. You know I'm gonna do more than you ever could."

"You wish!" Gage scoffed stepping up to his rover.

Tom got out of his car and met him. "Uh, listen, man." He cut his eyes around the parking lot making sure no one was close enough to overhear their conversation. "I really do appreciate what you did yesterday. I think I needed a good swift kick in the ass and…well, I just wanted to say 'thanks' for…you know, not telling Cap."

Johnny flashed a grin but his eyes were all business. "No problem….just between us, a'right?"

Wheeler nodded his gratification. He knew in his heart that John wasn't going to tell anyone how he'd behaved. And he also knew that he'd never make that mistake again. He wondered briefly if there was anyone else in the department who would have handled the situation any better and quickly decided that fate had dealt him a pretty good hand when it gave him the overtime at 51's as Roy's replacement.

E!

"Hello?" Bethany Carmichael answered the telephone in the new apartment she was now sharing with her mother, Rachael, and her younger brother Peter. "MOM! Phone's for you!" She called out down the hallway.

Rachael pulled the door of her young son's bedroom shut then made her way towards the telephone being extended to her by her teenaged daughter. "Listen out for him, will you?" She asked accepting the phone.

"Hello?" She hesitated listening to the voice on the other end. "What do you mean? You can't do this!"

Bethany jerked her head around at the sound of her mother's voice.

"He's just a child, damn it! Who told you anyway?" She saw the concern in her daughter's eyes and lowered her voice. "Oh…I…..please, Mr. Landers….don't do this…." She slammed the phone down.

"Mom? What's wrong? Bethany's voice was shaky.

Rachael wiped her angry eyes with her trembling hands. She knew she had to calm down before she could even speak but she also knew she had to explain to Bethany what she had just learned. She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Uh….have a seat Bethany."

The two of them sat down at the small kitchen table.

"That was Mr. Landers from Peter's school." She met her daughter's worried eyes. "He….well, he says Peter can't return to school in the fall."

"Why? Is it 'cause he has HIV?" Bethany knew the answer as surely as she knew her name but she needed to hear her mother confirm her suspicions.

"Yea…it is."

"NO! That's not fair!" She said leaning forward and resting her face in her hands.

"No, it isn't fair. And I wish I could fight it but…..well, we're living in a different school district now and….I don't know, Bethany. Maybe I should just enroll both of you in new schools…..maybe we should just stay here in this apartment." She began to trace imaginary lines on the table with her finger.

"But, Mom….my friends are there. I don't want to change schools! I'm not the one who's been kicked out." She immediately regretted her words. "I'm so-sorry." She said through her tears. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

Rachael didn't respond to her daughter's apology. Instead, she got up and poured herself a drink, much earlier in the day than usual. Leaving Bethany to mourn alone for the loss of not only her home but now her friends and school as well…..and the impending loss of her only sibling in a most horrific manner.

E!

Roy made the left turn into the station parking lot. It was his first day back at work since Hank had dismissed him for being too sick to work. He felt a sense of longing for normalcy in his life but he also was filled with a sense of dread. He'd have to face his partner for the first time since the event as well. He knew he owed Johnny an apology for his thoughtless comments about his sex life. He just didn't know how he would be able to do it. He pulled his duffle bag out of the passenger's seat and headed to Hank's office. He had managed to arrive early enough that only Hank and Mike had arrived before him. The engine and squad were gone which he was silently thankful for. At least he'd have the opportunity to speak to Hank for a moment without concern for others overhearing their conversation.

Hank looked up at the sound of footsteps approaching and smiled when he saw his senior paramedic standing in the doorway of his office. "Well, feeling better, Roy?"

"Ah yes sir…..much better. I just wondered if you needed to see me or anything before I changed." His nervousness was evident in his voice.

"Take a seat." Hank did want to make sure Roy was ok before he returned to duty even though he hadn't required him to get a medical release.

Roy's heart slammed against the walls of his chest. He'd feared what Johnny may have told their captain about his recent illness. "Ah…here." Roy reached inside his shirt pocket and pulled out a piece of paper placing it on Hank's desk. "Brackett sent this just in case you wanted it."

Hank reviewed the form. "Well, it really isn't necessary since it was just a stomach virus but I'll put it in your record anyway." He stood up opening the metal file cabinet and thumbing through the records until he found the one marked 'DeSoto, Roy.' He allowed the silence between them to continue giving Roy the opportunity to tell him more if he so chose.

Roy hesitated, feeling uncomfortable with the silence but not sure how much Hank knew about what happened. He decided to talk to Johnny first and find out how much Hank knew before having a heart to heart with his superior.

Hank took a little longer filing the paper than was necessary. When Roy didn't open up, Hank spoke. "Why don't you go ahead and change while I get some coffee started."

"Thanks, Cap."

E!

Johnny wheeled in with only a few minutes to spare, pouring himself out of his rover and sprinting to the locker room. He'd seen Roy's car in the back lot and had no idea what he'd say to his partner when they saw each other. Was he wrong to feel the way he did? He was angry at Roy for his hurtful remarks but he was also grateful that his friend was still alive. He hadn't bothered to call Roy or Joanne since the whole incident occurred. He knew he'd use the excuse of allowing them time to work on their marriage but the truth was his feelings were hurt.

He pushed open the door and scanned the nearly empty room. "Mornin', Marco."

"Hey, John." Marco responded as he closed his own locker and headed out the door.

Johnny hurriedly stripped off his street clothes and began pulling on his work blues. He was just tying his boots when Chet ran through the door.

"Don't say a word, Gage….not a damn word!" He jerked open his locker and began pulling off his street clothes as if he were angry with them.

"What the hell's wrong with you?"

Chet threw him a scowl then continued getting dressed. Johnny put the pieces together in his mind and a wicked grin spread across his face. "Awww, no luck with Susan, huh?"

"She stood me up, ok? Ya happy?" He spun back around tossing his shirt into his locker.

Johnny allowed his trademark smile to speak for him and waltzed out the door. He had too much on his mind to banter with Chet. He pushed open the door to the kitchen. "Mornin', fellas."

"Hey, Gage." Mike spoke up.

Roy gulped pouring his own cup of coffee. "Coffee, Johnny?"

Johnny pursed his lips into a thin line. "Ah, yea…yea…that'd be great." He stood back while Roy poured him a cup and handed it to him.

Both men sat down at the table but neither spoke. Mike passed Marco the paper standing up to pour himself a warmer. The silence in the room was uncomfortable for both John and Roy but neither Mike nor Marco seemed to take notice.

"You ah, you feelin' better, Roy?"

Roy didn't make eye contact when he answered. He didn't want to begin the much needed conversation with an audience of shiftmates. "Yea, I am. Thanks for asking."

The two were given a reprieve from their discomfort by their junior lineman's dramatic entrance.

"I'm swearing off women!" Chet announced coming through the door and pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"What happened to you?"

"Mike," he began holding the coffee pot in his hand as he turned to look at their engineer. "The bitch stood me up! I mean, I went to her apartment and no one was home."

"Maybe her apartment isn't the only place no one's home."

"Ha..aha, way to go, Lopez!" Johnny joked.

Roy and Mike grinned at each other while Chet stood with his eyebrows knitted together mouthing Marco's comment to himself. Finally, the lines on his forehead smoothed out and he grimaced at his partner. "Oh, I get it…thanks a lot!" He turned back around replacing the coffee pot just as Cap stuck his head in the doorway.

"Roll call in five."

Each man quickly finished up his coffee and placed his cup in the sink for whichever one of them got kitchen duty to wash later on. They filed out one by one and lined up for morning announcements.

Hank used his discerning eye to determine the mood of each of his men. Chet was pissed off at someone or something which was nothing new. He was also the last to arrive so he would get latrines. He also noticed that Roy and Johnny were not talking to each other the way they normally did so he decided to give them dorms. That would force them to work together and thus allow them time to talk out their differences.

Ten minutes later, Roy and Johnny headed off to begin stripping the beds in the dorm room. Both men knowing their conversation wouldn't be comfortable but both also knowing they needed to work it out for the sake of their team as well as their friendship.


	27. Chapter 27

A/N: Warning for adult content and language.

Humanity Is Vulnerable – 27e

"Can I talk to you a minute, Cap?"

Hank looked into the worried blue eyes of his engineer then glanced around the bay. Chet was pulling the mopping cart out of the closet and Roy was moving quickly in the direction of the linen closet.

"Sure…..my office?"

Mike turned at the sound of banging and swearing going on near the cleaning supply closet then gave Hank a pleading look. Hank returned it with his knowing smile.

"C'mon, Mike."

Mike followed his captain into the privacy of the office, closing the door behind him.

"I know this is none of my business," he began as he leaned his tall frame against the closed office door. "But it's obvious that something's not right between those two." He nodded his head in the direction of the dorm room.

Hank sighed, leaning back in his chair. His second in command was the least talkative of anyone in his crew but he was also the most perceptive; a trait that served him well when they were on scene. He looked at Mike then quickly diverted his gaze back to his desk.

"You noticed it too, huh?"

"Cap, I think Chet's the only one who hasn't and that's just because he's too pissed off about not getting laid on his off days to care what's going on here. Marco hasn't said anything but I saw him watching them before roll call." Mike crossed his arms. He could tell Hank was choosing his words carefully.

"Humph, guess that explains Chet's attitude." He watched the semi-smile cross Mike's serious features. He then cleared his throat returning the conversation to the issue Mike had brought to the office with him. "Ahem, well, I gave them dorms this morning hoping they'll get it worked out. If they don't then I'll have to pull them in here and the three of us will hash it out."

"Can I help in any way? I mean….I feel like it's my responsibility to help you keep us safe and if our medics can't work together then….."

"I know…..it could put a victim or one of you fellas in danger." Cap finished for him.

"Could put us all in danger, Cap," Mike corrected. "Sometimes Johnny will listen to me. I could talk to him if you'd like." He offered.

Hank looked up wearily. "I just might take you up on that offer….but let's see if they can resolve it first alright?" Hank stood up with a look of approval making its way across his stern features. _He's gonna make a good captain one day too._

Mike opened the door and just as he stepped through it into the bay a concerning noise followed by an expletive echoed across the bay and appeared to be coming from the dorm room.

E!

Following Captain Stanley's dismissal after assigning chores, Johnny hurriedly made his way around the back of the engine and briskly pushed open the door of the dorm room. His rapid footfalls quickly took him to the area where his and Roy's bunks were set with their heads against the outer wall. He hesitated at the brick divider near the foot of Roy's bunk and propped his right elbow on the ledge as he contemplated his words for his partner who he assumed was immediately behind him. The seconds ticked by without Roy coming through the door. After at least half a minute passed, he blew out the breath he'd been holding in frustration.

"Chicken-shit!" He huffed angrily, in reference to his partner's obvious hesitation to face him, and began quickly tearing the linens off the beds with fury. He was angry, much angrier than he had realized.

Roy saw Johnny stepping around the back of the engine then make the turn towards the entrance to the dorm room. Realizing the younger man hadn't gotten the necessary fresh linens, he abruptly executed an about face and headed toward the linen closet. In the distance, he heard Chet grumbling and smiled inwardly. It wasn't long before he was carrying a pile of bed linens in his arms and following a disgruntled Chester B. Kelley as he pushed the small mopping cart across the bay. One wheel creaked angrily, matching the mumblings of the man who pushed it. By the time the two of them got close to the latrine door, Chet was breaking a sweat and Roy was cracking a smile.

"Stupid squeaky-ass mother-fucker," Chet said spinning himself and the cart around so he could use his behind to push open the latrine door. Roy snickered, then quickly followed suit using his backside to open the dorm room door. As he did so, he used a spinning motion to roll away from the closing door but a THWACK halted his forward progress.

"UMPH!" A stinging numbness emanating from just below his right cheek made his knees buckle. He seemed to slide in slow motion to Mike's bunk then to the floor scattering the fresh linens along the way. Small flickers of bright lights floated haphazardly before his eyes while his field of vision dimmed then returned to its normal level even though the throbbing increased with each heartbeat.

John both heard and felt the calamity he'd caused. He had used such a hard jerking motion to pull the fitted sheet from the corner of Mike's bed that when the elastic corner pulled loose it had sent his elbow flying backwards catching his unsuspecting partner on his right cheek.

"Shit, Roy!...you a'right?" In a split second Johnny was on his knees beside his fallen partner ignoring the pain in his left elbow and the sound of boots running in the bay.

"Damn, Junior…..I know you're pissed at me but at least fight fair." Roy smiled, trying to ease the tension he was seeing on the younger man's face.

Roy's remarks caught Johnny off guard and his facial muscles were just beginning to relax when an arm reached around his neck hoisting him from his kneeling position while its companion arm reached around his rib cage pulling him away from Roy.

"What the hell's going on in here," shouted a booming voice that could only belong to one man?

Johnny tried to reassure Captain Stanley that he'd accidently elbowed Roy but the arms around his chest and neck were literally squeezing the breath out of him.

"Accident, Cap." Roy stated, still in a sitting position beside Mike's bunk.

Chet heard the scuffle and rushed through the locker room leaving a wet trail behind him from the mop he was dragging. "Whoa!" He took in the sight before him. Bed linens were strewn across the floor. Cap was kneeling beside Roy whose right eye was swelling and turning blue. Mike had Johnny in a death grip that would make any professional wrestler proud. Johnny's face was red although Chet had no idea if it was from anger or from Mike cutting off his breathing. It took a fraction of a second for Chet to surmise what had happened and even less time for him to open the dorm door and call for Marco who was cleaning the day room.

"Hey Marco! C'mere quick! Johnny decked Roy!"

"Let him go, Mike." Hank ordered his engineer.

Johnny gasped for breath as Mike released the pressure but did not remove his arms; keeping them ready to restrain the junior paramedic again in the blink of an eye.

"A-hu…did not….a-hu….you dumbass!" Johnny coughed out in Chet's direction.

"Well then suppose you tell us exactly what DID happen, John!" Hank glared at his younger medic and Johnny briefly considered crawling back into the relative safety of Mike's deadly embrace.

"Cap, I…" Roy tried to simultaneously speak and stand until Hank pressed his shoulder downward without taking his eyes off Gage; the gesture effectively stilling and silencing Roy.

Johnny felt all eyes turn on him including the only other pair of dark eyes in the crew, besides his own, as Marco suddenly materialized in the room. He gulped trying to slow down his breathing.

"Uh…see…Roy…he..um…he walked into my…my swingin' elbow," he stammered.

The mop bounced off the cement floor with a clanking sound as Chet dropped it then doubled over in howling laughter.

"Aahh…oohh…haha…and you called ME a dumbass? Haha…that's the worst excuse I've ever heard."

"Shut-up, Chet…before I shove that mop up your…"

"Got it, Cap….sorry!" Chet bent down sheepishly, picking up the mop while the others seemed content to wait for Johnny to try to come up with a more plausible explanation.

"He's telling the truth, Cap." Hank returned his glare to Roy who seemed intent on picking himself up off the floor even with Hank's hand still on his shoulder.

Hank stood up, offering Roy a hand. "Take a seat on the bed for a minute."

"Yes, sir…I'm fine….really….I think I'm more stunned than anything…..Gage hits like a girl." Roy exclaimed smiling, then grimaced at the pain the gesture caused his aching cheek.

"I'm sorry. It really was an accident." Johnny tried to relax and felt relieved when Mike completely released him even though he didn't step away from Johnny's back. "And I do NOT hit like a girl!" He said back to Roy placing both hands on his hips while a lopsided grin grew across his chiseled face.

"Seriously?" Hank's head jerked back and forth between the two paramedics.

Roy tentatively touched his tender cheek. "Yea…I walked into his elbow…just like he said."

Hank looked at Johnny trying to ignore Mike's eye roll behind Johnny's back.

"Cap….I was stripping Mike's bed and the fitted sheet got stuck on the corner." Johnny further emphasized his explanation with animated arm motions. "I jerked on it and it came loose just as Roy walked in and my elbow smacked him."

Marco truly believed that Johnny was being dishonest with his explanation. "Sounds like you're jerking more than the sheet." The older lineman muttered with uncharacteristic sarcasm.

Chet had been standing with his soggy mop just inside the locker room, quiet as a church mouse. That is until Marco's quipping set his mind – and his mouth – in motion. "What?" He stepped back into the dorm wide-eyed. "Johnny was jerking off on the sheet?"

The room erupted in laughter at the crude comment. Mike shoved Johnny away from him and made an exaggerated motion of wiping his hands on his pants. "On MY bed?"

He tried to hide his crooked grin at his shiftmates shenanigans but Johnny just couldn't. Finally, he let it spread and began the verbal counter attack on Chet. "Hell, NO!" Johnny yelled.

"Suurree, Gage…" Chet scoffed. "Trying a new technique or something?" Chet quizzed the dark haired paramedic.

"If I was, it's only 'cause I haven't had as much practice time as you, Chet!" Johnny retorted.

"Hey, Roy….maybe next time you shouldn't get so close to Johnny when he's jerking on his sheet!" Chet raised his eyebrows in a knowing gesture and rocked back on his heels while he began flicking his wrist in a rapid motion along the mop handle.

Roy was smiling in spite of his sore cheek; enjoying the good natured humor among his cohorts. He turned his eyes to Marco. "And I thought having Johnny as a partner was bad."

"Yea….what'd we ever do to deserve getting saddled with these two idiots." Marco threw his thumb towards the two sparring young men.

Hank finally had let the joking go on long enough. "Alright…you twits…back to work. Johnny, please check out your partner. Marco, get him an ice pack will ya, Pal? Roy, go to Rampart if you need to. Mike, give me a hand picking up these linens…and Chet…get a girlfriend or something, please?"

E!

Rachael and Bethany Carmichael walked into the office of the high school near their new apartment. Bethany needed to be enrolled so the school would have time to get her transcripts from her previous school and get her signed up for the appropriate classes. The smell of old textbooks assaulted Bethany's nostrils as the two of them entered the wood paneled hallway. Trophy cases lined the foyer catching Bethany's attention. She saw a trophy with a basketball player poised in a free-throw shot on the top. A well-worn net was draped over the trophy. She read the words 'State Champs' across the plate. Her eyes continued to wander through the rest of the trophies; most of them were for athletic events rather than scholastic achievement.

"I'll be in the office for a few minutes, Bethie. You stay out here while I talk with your new principal. Maybe we can get him to show you around today so you won't be so nervous in a few weeks when school starts back."

Bethany watched as her mother pulled open the door marked 'office' and began talking to a young pretty secretary with dark hair. She was startled when a young man's voice called out her name.

"Bethie, huh?"

She turned back around to see a thin blonde haired young man about her age in faded jeans and a polo shirt with the collar turned up, standing at the end of the foyer beside the longest trophy case. His green eyes slowly looked her up and down making her feel nervous.

"Bethany….she just calls me that." She answered him without moving from her position near the office door.

"Your mom?" He asked leaning against the trophy case still eyeing her.

Bethany only nodded as the butterflies in her stomach fluttered.

"Well, if you're gonna be goin' to school here you might need someone to show you around." He pushed off the trophy case and took a few steps towards her. "I'm Trey…..I'll be a Junior here."

Her smile was forced but she did manage to produce one. "Hello, Trey." She nervously pulled her hair back behind one ear.

He walked up to the office door. "Be right back."

Bethany watched him talking briefly to the same young dark-haired woman her mother had spoken to earlier before being called into the principal's office. A couple of minutes later he walked back out with a piece of paper in his hand. "Found out where you're homeroom is." He held up the paper in his hand. "They're still working on your schedule so this is all I can do for now. C'mon, this way."

Bethany followed him making the right turn down the dark paneled hallway. The wooden floor squeaked beneath her feet and their footsteps echoed. She couldn't remember ever being inside a school building during the quiet summer months. The place seemed dark and foreboding without the sounds of kids talking and milling about. They made a second turn and then stopped at the second door on the right.

"Mrs. Millbrook. She'll be your homeroom teacher."

Bethany took a good look at her surroundings making sure she knew where to go on her first day. Suddenly, she became curious as to why Trey was at the school today too. "Uh….why're you here today? Obviously, you aren't in school since it's summer break."

Trey snickered a little. "Well, I have to do a little work around the place for a while."

"Oh….you work here?" She inquired.

"Nope….just had a little too much fun right before school got out. My sentence was to help the staff get the place ready for first day this fall." He crossed his arms pinning his hands in his armpits. "This gig beats the hell out of going to juvie hall anyway. My Dad is the principal and he's friends with the judge so it got worked out." He raised his eyebrows, throwing a sly grin her way.

"Oh," was all she could think to say. She wanted to know more about what he'd done but couldn't bring herself to be so forward with a guy she had just met. He was being nice to her and thinking back over all that had happened in recent months, she knew she needed all the friends she could get.

Trey lifted his chin slightly, shaking his parted-in-the-center blonde hair so that it fell in place perfectly. Bethany noticed he was wearing a tiny diamond earring in his left ear which glistened in the dusty sunlight that bathed him from the window in the hall. His piano-key straight white teeth peeked out from between his smiling lips.

"Well, guess I'll see ya 'round when school starts back."

"Yea….thanks for showing me where my homeroom will be," Bethany said with a nervous giggle. This was the first time any guy had ever paid much attention to her. A warm feeling enveloped her as she made her way back to the office in search of her mother. _Maybe this school won't be so bad after all._

E!

Johnny clicked his pen light off and returned it to his pocket. "Equal and reactive."

"I'm telling you, I'm fine." Roy grumbled.

Hank and Mike were just finishing up the clean-up of the linens when Hank overheard Roy's comment. "Well, humor me will ya, Pal? Let him check you out."

Johnny gave his partner a half grin as he continued his assessment of the swelling around Roy's eye.

"Owe!" Roy pulled his head back away from his partner's pressing thumb.

"My bad….sorry," Johnny winced. "I don't think there's anything to worry about. Gonna have a nice shiner though."

The door swung open and Marco walked in. "Here's the ice." He handed Roy a ziploc bag filled with crushed ice cubes.

"Thanks." Roy took the bag and placed it on the side of his head. Just as he began to lie down on Mike's bunk for a moment, the tones sounded. "Ugh!"

Johnny stood up offering his hand to Roy just as the dispatcher called out for the engine only. "Well, you can lie back down now," he said.

"And stay there for a while too." Captain Stanley instructed as he and Mike made their way to the engine.

"10-4, Engine 51…KMG-365." Marco acknowledged the call then met the rest of the engine crew on the rig.

Mike flipped on the siren and pulled into the street. Back inside the station, Johnny took a seat on the bunk beside his partner.

Roy had his eyes closed but felt the mattress shift under Johnny's weight. He knew Johnny felt bad for what had happened but he also knew that it was only an accident. "I deserved this, you know."

"Huh?" Johnny looked at his partner with a puzzled expression.

Roy kept his eyes closed; it was easier to talk with Johnny about serious matters that way. "I said….I deserved this…..getting punched in the face."

Johnny clinched his jaw muscles. He thought he knew where Roy was going with the conversation but he wasn't completely sure. "I'm sorry….I really didn't mean to hurt ya."

"Well," Roy shifted the ice pack on his face. "You had every right to…intentionally….after what I did."

Johnny inhaled deeply then blew out his breath. He wasn't sure how to respond to Roy's comments. Fortunately, Roy took over the conversation for him.

"Look, Johnny…I can never ever repay you for what you did for me last week. I mean…..you very likely saved my life but at the least, you kept Joanne from the trauma of finding me in that condition. And then….then I spouted off at you about your personal life and…"

Johnny closed his eyes briefly then leaned over with his elbows on his knees staring at the floor. "You were out of it….didn't know what ya were sayin'….it's a'right…."

"No," Roy removed the ice pack and leaned up on one elbow. "No, I knew exactly what I was saying….I may not remember everything that happened out on the deck but after I woke up in the guest room and….well, I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself….and….angry at what had happened with the whole blood transfusion thing and…"

"And scared…it's ok…admit it….you were scared of this disease." Johnny was shocked by his own words.

"Yea….ok, scared….angry and scared for what I thought it had done to me and my family but…Johnny, I wish like hell I could take back those words. I…I knew exactly what I was saying and I didn't believe it but….but I said it anyway. I'll never understand why I tried to hurt you like that….but….well, Joanne and I talked about it and…..we both agreed that it might be best for me to request a transfer. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable around me and…."

Johnny began shaking his head negatively. "Nuh-uh….don't do that, Roy."

Roy sat up on the edge of the bed. "Why not, Johnny? You haven't said much to me since you got here and you didn't call or come by after….well, after I went to Rampart. Don't tell me you want to work like this for the rest of our careers?"

Johnny felt the heat of frustration rising up his neck. No, he didn't want to work like this for the rest of his career. What he wanted was to have his friend back….but if Roy transferred out then that wouldn't likely happen. He sat up straighter but cut his eyes to his left, away from his partner. "No."

Roy heard his one word reply and knew he had to transfer out. He had ruined the best friendship he'd ever experienced. "I'm sorry, Johnny," he said setting the ice pack down on the floor. "God, I'm so sorry for everything I said. I wish….I wish I could take it back, but….but I can't. I don't blame you for walking away like you did. I just…Johnny,…" He hesitated, feeling a very large lump climbing up his throat. Finally, he swallowed trying to force it back down. "Please…..don't hurt my family; especially not my kids."

Johnny drew his eyebrows together then shook his head with a smirk. "Hurt your family? What the hell's that s'posed to mean?" He stood up then pacing as his anger boiled. "Look…you think I'm gonna rush over to your house and beat up your family like some crazy predator? Whu…," he tried to continue but felt his body begin to tremble uncontrollably. His breathing came in short gasps. "You…," he began, pointing a finger at Roy. "You think that 'cause I'm pissed off at you, I'd somehow take it out on Joanne and the kids?"

"Joh.."

"Shut up, Roy!" He said as his expressive dark eyes seemed ready to flash over. "I…I love Jo and the kids…and I'd never…..ever hurt'em. You," he grunted through clenched teeth. "You, Roy DeSoto, were the one who tried to hurt'em. How do ya think Joanne would've felt if she'd found you instead of me, huh? And what if Chris or Jenny had run out on the deck and saw your body lying there after you blew your fuckin' brains out, huh?"

"I kn.."

"You're the one who was gonna hurt'em," he pointed his finger back at Roy's face. Then returned it to point at his own chest. "I was the one who tried to call you all night. I was the one who talked Cap out of sendin' a squad over…I." He stood straighter, eyes narrowing as a new and even more disgusting thought crept into his mind.

"No, that's not it, is it?" Daggers shot from Johnny's eyes and pierced Roy's soul with his next words. "It's because you think I…." He touched his chin briefly trying to remember Roy's painful words. "How'd you say it? Oh yea, you think that I 'fuck any skirt I can catch' so you're afraid I'll do something hideous to Joanne and the kids. That's it isn't it?"

"No, Johnny…I don't and.." Roy tried again in vain to stop the Johnny-rant but just like the other times, he was abruptly cut off once again.

"You're sick, Roy! SICK if you believe that shit!" Johnny could tell he was about to hyperventilate and tried to calm himself down. He was sweating profusely from the frenzy he'd worked himself into.

Roy had allowed Johnny to vent about the episode but when the conversation turned ugly he knew he had to stop him. He stood up, glad that the punch he'd taken earlier hadn't left him feeling dizzy. He stood face to face with Johnny seeing his nostrils flaring with each rapid inhalation he took.

"Settle down." He pleaded with his partner using his softest kindest voice to defuse the hostility.

Johnny tried to slow his breathing. His fingers twitched wanting to ball into a fist and intentionally punch his partner. But he was also feeling something else pricking his heart.

"That's NOT what I was going to say and I sure wasn't insinuating that you'd physically harm my family. I know you better than that and I know that you'd lay down your life for any member of my family." He stared at the side of Johnny's face watching his jaw muscles flexing. Before he could continue, Johnny turned his head propping both hands on his hips. "You were so fucked up that you didn't even know I was there….but I was there, Roy. You'd puked and pissed on yourself and I carried you inside and cleaned you up. I guess that doesn't mean a thing to you though does it?" Johnny knew he was being hateful but at the moment all he could think about was making Roy see how close he'd come to permanently hurting the people he loved.

Roy stood quietly allowing Johnny's poisoned darts to hit their mark. He looked around the swelling that was partially obscuring his vision. "I deserve it all, Johnny so give me all you've got. If you wanna hit me….hit me."

Johnny gritted his teeth together as he stared into Roy's blue eyes.

Roy knew he finally had his partner's attention. "I know what you did for me. I probably don't know all of it but I know most of it, I think. I do appreciate it…all of it. Joanne does too. The kids would too if they knew what all had happened. One day…..," he gulped. "One day I'm gonna probably have to explain it to them. I'm not looking forward to that day, Johnny but at least I'm gonna get the chance. And it's because of what you did for me. You…." He hesitated, feeling his emotions welling up. "You've given me another chance at life. I don't take that lightly. I screwed up. I screwed up real bad with what I said to you. And whether you believe me or not…..I AM sorry…..sorrier than you'll ever know. But I can't change the past. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness. I know you aren't ready to forgive me yet….hell, you may never forgive me….and I'd deserve that too. But my point is that….Joanne loves you like a little brother so please don't turn your back on her because you hate me now…..don't take Uncle Johnny away from my kids, please?" His voice cracked as he thought again of Chris and Jenny's love for Johnny. Had he ruined their relationships too?

Johnny turned his back to Roy and leaned his head on his arm along the brick divider. His head was pounding and his stomach was knotting up. One word was all he managed to get out. "No."

Roy felt deflated. His efforts had failed. He had hoped he'd be able to get Johnny to understand things from his point of view. Now, not only had he lost his best friend but his family had lost him too.

"Ok…I..I see." Roy wanted to say more but there was no reason to belabor the point. He reached down picking up the small bag of ice beside Mike's bed. "I…I'll transfer out, Johnny. You don't deserve to be upset at work like this." He reached for the door but was stopped by Johnny finally pulling a sentence together.

"Roy….I meant, no….I don't hate you." He lifted his head off his arm but didn't look in Roy's direction. "I...I want to always be Uncle Johnny and Jo's little brother…if you'll let me but…" He nodded his head again thinking about Roy's comment.

"But what, Johnny?" Roy looked over at the back of Johnny's head.

"But what you said about me was wrong."

Roy pressed his lips into a thin line. "I know…and I'm sorry…"

"No…I mean…um…let's just say…I had a bad experience with a skirt I caught once and now…well, I don't catch nearly as many as you think." Johnny cut his partner a quick glance then lowered his head back down to his arm.

Roy had no idea what to make of that comment. "I…uh, I'm sorry….I just thought...well, that….I didn't know."

"Yea well…..I'm pretty damn good at keeping things to myself." He pushed off the wall, grabbed a stack of bed linens and began working on Captain Stanley's bunk.

Roy wasn't sure but he thought he saw Johnny brushing his hand across his face. He watched the younger man make a snapping sound with the sheet in his hand and begin making the bed.

As soon as Johnny finished Hank's bed he turned around, a bit startled that Roy was still standing in the same spot staring at him. "What?"

Roy gulped. "Yea….you are, Johnny. You're pretty damn good at keeping things to yourself. You never told anybody but Joanne did you?" Roy asked picking up a fitted sheet for Mike's bed.

"Told what?" Johnny asked feigning ignorance.

"About….what I did….or what I almost did." Roy could feel his heart beating inside his chest.

Johnny slipped the pillow inside the pillowcase shaking it down to the end. "Nope," he answered smoothing out the wrinkles on the bed.

"They'd've gotten rid of me quicker than a washed out boot. God, Junior….you saved my life…my career…probably my marriage." Roy pointed out what they both already knew. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could make this alright."

Neither man wanted Roy's offer of a transfer to another station to actually happen. Johnny waited just a beat while he chose his statement carefully. "You can…..just don't ever do it again." He turned his back again stepping over to Roy's bunk and making it up.

"I won't….I promise you that," he said walking up behind the younger man who was busy straightening the sheets. He heard Johnny sniffle and noticed that he kept his back to Roy. "I won't say anything like that again but….that's not what you're talking about is it?"

Johnny stopped short staring at the wall. Johnny pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Look, I just….I don't…"

Roy stepped up behind Johnny and placed a supportive hand on Johnny's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Johnny…..sorry for hurting your feelings, sorry for being such an ungrateful bastard, sorry for….for whatever else I did to make you so angry."

Johnny adjusted his position slightly, pulling just out of Roy's grasp. He never turned around but continued standing stoically staring at Roy's bunk. "Sorry for tryin' to do it….without…without talkin' to me first?"

Roy felt like he'd just been plowed over by Big Red. Johnny wasn't just hurt by his words….Johnny was hurt by Roy's actions too. Never had he given a minute's thought to how his partner might've felt if he'd succeeded. He remembered thinking that he needed to apologize to Johnny for his harsh words right after Cap had dismissed him from work that day. But never…..not once in the days since that fateful night had he considered how Johnny would've taken the news of his suicide; he hadn't even considered how Johnny would have handled finding him if he'd been able to pull the trigger.

He took a couple of steps back and sat down on Marco's bunk; his ability to stand had been lost with the sudden realization. "Oh my god!"

Johnny turned around; his red eyes seeing Roy seated and he immediately went into paramedic mode. "Roy," he said walking over to him quickly and reaching for his wrist instinctively. "You a'right?"

Roy sat staring into the air in front of him. "Johnny, I…I never thought about how you might've felt…..if...if I'd done it." Finally, he looked into the brown eyes of the man who had been his partner and best friend for the last decade. "That's what you're so pissed at me for isn't it?"

Johnny pursed his lips but managed to nod affirmatively. "Yea…..I….I guess it is….."

The tones sounded before either of them could finish their thoughts.

E!


	28. Chapter 28

Humanity Is Vulnerable – 28e

Roy backed the squad in beside the ambulance at the emergency room doors. He took a quick peek in the mirror at the bluish purple area around his right eye knowing that he would be asked what happened as soon as Dixie saw him. He then walked inside the emergency room in search of his partner.

"Well, nice to see you back on shift."

"Thanks, Dix….Johnny still in with the patient?" Roy asked looking up and down the corridor.

"Yes….sounds like a bad one. Both Joe and Mike are in there with them. Kel and I were finishing up some stitches on a miniature Evel Knievel when they came in." She then flashed him a pearly smile. "So….Joanne do that to you?"

Roy had anticipated the question. "Nah….I ran into Johnny's elbow a little earlier." He snickered touching his tender face. "Say….is Dr. Brackett where I can speak to him for a minute?"

Dixie pushed away from the counter with a knowing grin. "He should be…let's go see."

Roy followed the petite nurse down the hallway to the office of Rampart's chief of emergency medicine and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Dixie stuck her head in the doorway. "Kel, Roy wants you to take a look at his black eye for a minute if you're not busy."

Dr. Brackett felt a sudden surge of adrenaline. He'd hoped Roy would open up to him at some point; confide in him as a friend not just as a doctor. His gut had been telling him that Roy was in need of help but when he'd asked Johnny about it, the man had staunchly refused to divulge any information. That had left Kelly Brackett feeling helpless. Now, Roy was here asking to see him for an injury.

"Sure, Dix…send him on in."

Kel watched as Dixie's pretty face was replaced by Roy's somewhat battered one. "Roy? What's wrong? What happened?"

Roy ducked his head slightly in embarrassment as he walked in and took a seat in front of his medical director. "Ahh, it's nothing, Doc. I caught the wrath of Johnny's elbow earlier this morning when we were making beds at the station."

"You sure you're ok?" Kel was concerned that perhaps there was more to the story than was being revealed.

"Oh yea….that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Dixie misunderstood. I…uh….well...I'm having some….issues." Roy was suddenly unsure that he'd done the right thing by asking to speak to Kel. If his relationship with Johnny had been less strained then he might've just talked with him about his problem but at the moment, Roy wasn't sure where they stood. That left him needing to seek medical advice and he trusted Dr. Brackett.

E!

"Hey Tiger….so how's he doing?"

Johnny looked into the dark blue eyes of Dixie McCall. Every time she looked at him it was as if she was somehow seeing into the deepest corners of his soul. "Uh….seems ok…..at least he's back on shift now."

Dixie watched the shadow cross over Johnny's face. "I meant your cardiac patient….but I'm glad Roy's feeling better too."

"Oh…uh…that guy," he asked pointing his thumb over his shoulder towards the treatment room. "He's gonna be heading up to CCU in a few minutes. Dr. Early thinks his chances are pretty good though." Johnny nervously looked up and down the corridor in search of his partner. "Roy here yet?"

"He's in Kel's office getting his eye looked at right now. You pack a mean punch, Johnny," she chided with a wink. "Why don't you and I grab a quick cup of coffee while you're waiting for him?" She didn't wait for him to answer but just began leading him toward the staff lounge.

Just as they reached the door, Roy stepped out of office 127.

"Check with me when you get off shift in the morning and I'll have that appointment scheduled for you." Kel said clapping his hand on Roy's shoulder as they stepped out of his office.

"Thanks, Doc. I appreciate this." Roy spoke in a low tone.

"Anytime." Kel smiled at his star paramedic then returned to his desk.

"Roy…. Johnny and I were just getting a cup of coffee. Why don't you join us?" Dixie invited.

"Why not? I could use a break." He said.

Johnny was glad to hear Roy sounding like his old self again but he couldn't help noticing that his face wasn't matching his words. Something was up; Johnny just hoped he'd be able to help him.

E!

The ride back to the station was unusually quiet. Roy seemed distracted and Johnny was desperately hoping he'd begin a conversation. Finally, he could take no more of the solitude and decided to forge ahead.

"So….Brackett thinks your eye will be a'right?" Johnny propped his elbow on the window ledge of the squad while he waited for an answer.

"Oh yea…just like you said….no problem at all….just a shiner." Roy never looked away from the road in front of him. He also didn't offer an explanation as to why Dr. Brackett was going to set up an appointment for him.

Johnny's effort at fishing for information had failed. He knew he couldn't ask Roy what the appointment was for but he sure did want to know. He thought again about how to broach the subject when he heard the beeping of their radio.

"_Squad 51 – what's your status_?"

Johnny keyed up the mic. "Squad 51 available."

"_Stand-by for response."_

Both men heard several tones sounding and knew that whatever had happened was big. They each reached for their helmets and had them secured by the time the dispatcher had finished the call out. It was a four alarm fire at an apartment complex on Wilmington Ave. As Roy accelerated towards the scene, Johnny reached down to flip on the lights and siren knowing that any chance of talking to Roy for the next several hours had just evaporated.

E!

When Mike pulled the engine up at the scene of the structure fire, Hank's first thought was that the only course of action would be 'surround and drown.' The brick façade of the western exposure revealed flames licking upward from windows on all four floors. However, the incident commander quickly ordered a sweep of the second floor; not everyone had been accounted for.

Johnny and Roy donned their SCBA preparing to assist in the search and rescue efforts while Mike stood sentinel beside the control panel of the engine. Lopez and Kelly manned a line in support of efforts to keep the flames at bay while the rescue attempt played out.

Hank watched with trepidation as his men suited up for battle. As soon as Marco and Chet were ready, he ordered Mike to charge the line. Chet stood close behind Marco with a hand on his shoulder. The heat was as intense as any raging inferno he'd ever battled and as the blast of water from the hose fell upon the burning structure a rush of white hot vapor seemed to overwhelm them much like a surfer wiped out by an angry ocean wave. Streams of sweat poured down his face both inside and outside his mask uniting with other rivers along the way down his chest and back.

Johnny and Roy braved the heat and flames to rush up the stairs to the second floor. The heat was intense and the smoke was thick but they managed to see another pair of firefighters working the opposite end of the hallway. One man was entering a room just as the second one exited an adjacent one pulling a piece of chalk from his pocket and marking the door with a large 'X' so others would know the apartment had been thoroughly searched. Johnny began searching on the left while Roy worked his way down the right; both men moving quickly and efficiently making their way to the end. They found no one but the other pair of rescuers did find a young man in his early twenties unconscious in his apartment. Roy and Johnny caught sight of the duo from 10's as they began the decent of the stairs with their victim in tow. With only two apartments left, each man took one and hurriedly ensured there were no victims left. However, just as Johnny spun around to exit the final apartment he was searching, he saw pink cowboy boots sticking out from underneath a small bed. He brushed them with his foot as he walked by just to reassure himself that they were not currently being worn by their owner. Unfortunately, his foot met with some resistance and his heart sank. He quickly extricated the unconscious girl who appeared to be no more than nine years old and determined that she was alive but was barely breathing. He removed his mask with the intention of buddy breathing with her as he fought the blinding smoke to get out of the apartment.

"Johnny!" Roy called out into the heated darkness of the hallway. He knew his partner would never have left him alone in the building, no matter how upset he'd been over recent events. "Johnny! You in here?"

Johnny was suffering from heat exhaustion and now smoke inhalation as he hugged the wall trying his best to find his way out of the apartment with his young victim. Somewhere in the distance he thought he heard his name being called. "R-ahu, Roy!" He leaned against the wall fearing he was about to collapse but unable to bring himself to remove the life-saving mask from the young girl's face; panic slamming his heart around inside his chest. He had to find Roy. Roy would get her out.

"Johnny…shit!" Roy saw Johnny staggering towards the front door of the apartment.

"He-ahu-here," Johnny coughed into the smoke-filled environment hoping Roy understood him as he thrust the unconscious child at his partner.

"Johnny, put your mask back on!" Roy admonished his younger partner as he removed the mask from the victim's face and replaced it on his partner's head. He then quickly took possession of the girl and rushed out the doorway heading for the stairwell.

Roy exited the burning building into the brightness of the sunny day. He was met by one of the paramedics from 36's who relieved him of his precious cargo and carried her back to the triage area. Roy turned around expecting to see Johnny but only saw the stunned faces of Marco and Chet. Chet was waving frantically for Roy who grunted with the effort it took to get back over to the place where the two linemen were engaged in warfare with purgatory.

"Johnny didn't come out!" Chet's yell was muffled from his mask but Roy understood completely.

Forgetting his own fatigue, he rushed back into the smoldering den. He charged up the dark stairwell breathing heavy from the exertion. Just as he reached the first landing he felt a slumping form sliding into his side. "Johnny?"

Somewhere in the darkness, Johnny heard echoes of Roy calling his name. Images of pink cowboy boots came unbidden into his mind as a sharp pain assaulted his right leg below the knee causing his body to slide down the rail of the stairwell but instead of the bone crunching fall his muddled brain anticipated he felt his body being hoisted and then felt the pressing of his ribs against Roy's air tank. _I dropped her! Fuck, Roy….I dropped her! Where the hell is she? _The pain in his lower leg was excruciating and he tried to call out to Roy, to make him understand that he had to go back for her; to let Roy know too that he'd somehow injured his lower leg but he was too busy coughing and gagging to be able to speak. Finally, his swollen eyes caught a glimpse of daylight as he was bounced along on Roy's shoulders towards the triage area.

Roy hadn't expected the rush of adrenaline he'd felt when Johnny's limp body had fallen against him on the stairwell. All he could think about was his best friend dying in a fire; the same best friend who had saved his life only a week earlier. And he knew that there was no way this hell was going to claim Johnny – not as long as Roy was able to get him out. He also knew that if he couldn't get Johnny out….then he'd die trying.

He heard Johnny's intermittent gut-wrenching coughs and groans through his mask as he carried him to the triage area. Kneeling, he felt his burden being removed from his shoulders before he had a chance to do it himself. He quickly spun around to see Captain Stanley carefully lowering Johnny down on the yellow blanket removing his SCBA gear so he could lie down on his back. Roy removed his own gear in record time while a paramedic from 99's took over assessing his partner's breathing status.

Roy pulled off his turnout coat allowing him to move more freely. "Johnny…Johnny can ya hear me?"

Johnny blinked rapidly from the burning sandy sensation in his eyes. He heard Roy's voice again just as a rush of cooling air covered the front of his body and he knew his turnout coat had been opened up and peeled off of him along with his gloves. "U-ha….get her…u-haa." His ragged coughing was resulting in a mouthful of sputum that he quickly rolled over and spat out.

Roy watched as Johnny hocked up the disgusting phlegm. He glanced at the resulting spittle and was somewhat relieved that he saw very little soot in it. Maybe Johnny hadn't eaten as much smoke as he'd thought.

"A-huuu….R-Roy…she's…a-huuu," Johnny coughed and gagged again using every ounce of strength he could muster to push himself off the ground. His eyes were burning and he kept them shut but all he could see in the darkness were those familiar pink cowboy boots and a fear laced with determination like none he'd ever experienced over took him. "Get 'er!" He croaked out and began thrashing about trying to fight the beast that he feared had swallowed up the child.

Roy saw the sheer panic on the younger man's face and immediately gripped both Johnny's shoulders as he shouted into the younger man's face. Captain Stanley took his cue from Roy and straddled Johnny's thighs pushing down hard on Johnny's forearms pinning the slighter man to the ground as Roy tried to reason with him.

"Easy, Johnny…she's about ten feet away from you and she's alive. You got her out, remember? Looks like she's got an IV going and they're intubating her now…..the guys from 36's are taking care of her. She's alive, Junior…she's out of the fire and she's alive. So are you. Now settle down and breathe." He covered his partner's mouth and nose with an oxygen mask. His heart was torn from his chest as he watched the younger man's veins along his slim arching neck bulging under his efforts to dislodge the mask. Roy knew from experience that smoke inhalation and heat exhaustion could induce vomiting and he didn't want Johnny to aspirate. He pulled one of Johnny's hands from beneath Hank's firm grip and placed it on top of the mask sitting on Johnny's face. He wanted Johnny to be able to remove the mask in a split second if necessary. Of course, he also knew that Johnny was notorious for not keeping his oxygen mask on so he made sure to look at his partner's face every few seconds to make sure he was keeping it on. Beside him, Don from 99's had just relayed Johnny's vitals to Dixie over the biophone. He noted how rapid Johnny's pulse and respirations were and reached into the drug box withdrawing the IV he knew was about to be ordered.

"Hey Don, let me do this will ya? I've had more practice." He said with a partial grin on his grime covered face.

He pumped up the blood pressure cuff tightly and began to swab down the back of Johnny's hand as the orders for an IV of D5W came over the biophone in the voice of Mike Morton. "Well, Junior…..you can thank your favorite doctor for this stick." He inserted the introducer needle and was relieved to get a flashback on the first try. The last thing he wanted to do was cause his partner any more pain than he had already endured.

Johnny's brain was still in a thick fog. He could hear Roy's voice but he was confused by Roy's lack of emotion. His body was heavy and he couldn't move until he felt a weight lift off of him. He tried to cry out to Roy to make him understand who the child was; his efforts to speak resulted in more of a croaking sound but he had to keep trying. He pulled the mask off again. "A-huu…Go…she needs…a-huu…needs you." Suddenly the mask was snatched out of his hand and pressed firmly back on his face.

"Cap, can you hold this on him?"

"Sure….just relax and breathe, Johnny. Don't try to talk. Roy and Don are getting you ready to go to Rampart. That little girl you rescued is being loaded up now then it'll be your turn." Hank tried to get through to his younger paramedic but could tell he wasn't having much success.

Roy knew that Johnny took every rescue to heart but he hadn't seen him this upset since they'd lost his friend Drew who had succumbed to his injuries following a traffic accident. Drew had been killed while on the job as a police officer leaving behind a young widow and a small daughter. Then he heard Hank make the comment to Johnny that the girl was being loaded into the awaiting ambulance and he cut his eyes over to the area where she was being treated. What he saw made his heart skip a beat. He had been so intent on getting the girl to safety that he hadn't noticed her boots. She was wearing pink cowboy boots…exactly like the pair Johnny had bought Jenny for her eighth birthday. He knew Johnny had become disoriented in the fire, likely from heat exhaustion and smoke inhalation. Had he seen the boots and in his state of confusion panicked thinking the child he was rescuing had been Jenny?

Roy looked over as two more ambulance attendants came their way with a stretcher. He quickly leaned down near his partner's ear. "Junior…it wasn't Jenny. Can you hear me? It wasn't Jenny. The young girl IS alive but…Jenny is with Louise, remember?"

"Ahuu…..bo-oots."

"Yea….I saw them too but it wasn't our Jennifer, ok?" He watched his partner's facial expressions relax a little as the realization slowly sank in.

"Not…ahuu….our Jen?" Johnny struggled to repeat.

"No…not her….but, ah….that little princess you found is starting to pink up a little…..getting her color back now that she's breathing good air." He patted Johnny's shoulder hoping his comforting words would be enough to relieve Johnny of the stress of thinking the unconscious victim he'd rescued had been the sweet little girl who called him Uncle Johnny.

E!

Roy felt the ambulance pull to a stop and shift into reverse. "Hey," he shook his partner's shoulder. "Johnny, we're here."

"Ughn, 'k."

Roy was more concerned for Johnny's mental status than he let on back at the scene. The doors opened to the back of the ambulance and Roy stepped out behind Johnny's gurney carrying the bag of D5W.

"Treatment 3." Carol turned quickly leading them down the hallway and entering the door held open by a stern faced Dr. Brackett.

"He's semi-conscious, Doc. His BP is up slightly since we got the fluid started. He hasn't vomited but he's got a productive cough…very little soot in the sputum though." Roy announced as the medical staff transferred Johnny over to the exam table. Roy hesitated for only a moment then continued with the information he was providing; although his next statement was more of an educated guess than confirmed information. "He was having some muscle cramps in the field but the D5W seems to have relieved them. I think that's why he collapsed; he ah…wasn't wearing his mask when I first saw him. I had to put it back on him; you know how easy it is for them to shift when you fall."

Roy had carefully thought out what he was going to tell the medical staff about what had happened inside the burning building. He chose his words carefully so as not to outright lie about anything; he just didn't exactly put the information in the correct order.

Kelly Brackett began his assessment with a list of orders. "Carol, get me a CBC, CMP, arterial gases and chest x-rays.

Johnny could hear bits and pieces of the conversation going on around him. He knew he was at Rampart General Hospital and he knew that Roy had ridden in with him and was still there. He also remembered two very critical snippets of information that allowed him to rest a little easier. The first was that the young victim he'd retrieved had survived and secondly, those pink cowboy boots she'd been wearing did not belong to Jennifer DeSoto. He drifted off into the darkness as the hectic pace of a busy emergency room continued to swirl around him.

He awoke later to find that he was in a quiet room. He pried open his eyes to look around and realized he had already been settled into a private room. He felt the oxygen mask on his face and reached up immediately pawing at the offending item but a small soft hand clutched onto his own preventing him from removing the mask.

"Nu-uh…..leave it alone, Johnny."

He stared into the direction of the voice he recognized and slowly the blurry image cleared into Joanne DeSoto. His tongue felt thick and pasty but he did his best to use it anyway. "Jo-anne?"

"Yes….Roy called me as soon as you were brought in and I agreed to stay with you tonight. You may get released tomorrow if all goes well." She said with a smile while she brushed his bangs away from his face.

"How….how long?" He inquired.

Joanne looked at her watch before she answered. "You've been sleeping for about an hour."

Johnny's irritated eyes roamed the room then came to rest on the incentive spirometer sitting on the bedside table. He'd endured one before when he'd gotten some smoke inhalation and knew that he'd soon be asked to put the plastic tube in his mouth and inhale as deeply as he could trying to make the small ball rise toward the top. He didn't like it but he knew that inhalation exercises were absolutely necessary to help clear out his lungs and prevent infection. He hated the thing but he hated the consequences of not using it even more.

"Yes…here's your favorite toy to play with in the Rampart Romper Room." She kidded with him. The resulting trademark grin let her know she had achieved her goal.

"Jo…..how's the girl?" His voice was muffled by the mask but Joanne had known he'd be asking that question.

Roy had taken the time to fill her in on the events of the day including his belief that Johnny had become disoriented and thought the victim was actually Jennifer. It had broken Joanne's heart and yet warmed it at the same time. She had been given an update on the child's status as Johnny was brought upstairs. Roy knew it had been against hospital regulation but he also knew that Johnny needed to know the outcome of his rescue.

"She's in ICU for now but her doctor was encouraged by her bronchoscopy results. She'll be here for several days and on breathing treatments and steroids for a while too. But, it looks like she's going to make it. You did a super job on that one."

Johnny gulped at the thought. He knew he'd broken protocol by removing his mask. He should have gotten the girl out first before doing that because if Roy hadn't come looking for him then he could have succumbed to the smoke and both Johnny and the little girl would have died. He was in for at least a reprimand he knew but Joanne's words had made it all worthwhile. As long as the child survived, he didn't care.

"Think you can drink some water?" She asked him reaching for the pitcher of ice water on the bedside table.

He nodded as he tried to lick his dry lips but he didn't have enough saliva in his mouth to accomplish the task. He pulled the mask down while Joanne placed the straw in his mouth. He drank all of the contents and agreed to try to down a second glass when she offered it. Once he'd drunk as much as he could, he pulled his face away from the cup and laid his head back on the pillow. He saw her reaching for the mask to return it to his face but he raised his hand and stopped her.

"Might….'s well get….it done." He said reaching toward the spirometer.

Joanne placed it in his hand but before he lifted it to his mouth he had one final question he needed to ask her and he hoped she'd be honest with him. "How's Roy…really doin'?

Joanne had been somewhat startled by the question. She didn't know how much her husband had told his partner but by his question, she could only assume that what he'd shared was neither enough to satisfy Johnny's curiosity nor his observant dark eyes.

"Well…..we've been doing a lot of talking and," she threw him a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "We're gonna be alright, Johnny. I nearly lost everything including my husband over a stupid series of misunderstandings."

Johnny inhaled deeply on the spirometer in his hand but he never moved his eyes off her. After the third inhalation he spoke. "That's…..that's great, Jo. I'm really glad to hear that." He returned the spirometer to his mouth for another drag.

"Yea…thank you so much….for caring enough to go looking for him that morning. I…I don't know what I'd've done if I had found him in that condition." Her eyes became watery and she quickly cleared her throat and stepped over by the window to avoid looking his way.

"You're welcome. He's….he's like a brother to me, ya know?" He drew again from the plastic device.

"I know…..he…ah…told me he hadn't been very nice to you; especially when you were sitting with him in the guest room." She turned back around with her arms crossed.

He set the device down on the bedside table. "Yea….well, he….he was just upset…..lashing out….I was there."

"Oh would you stop it?" Her heels clicked on the tile floor as she walked back to his bedside. "Johnny, what he did was wrong and…..he said he was afraid you wouldn't be able to forgive him." She sat down on the edge of the bed. "I don't blame you, I guess."

Jo….I'm not so mad that I can't forgive him but….well….never mind." He shook his head not wanting to have a conversation with her about his past.

Joanne gulped. "He said he told you that he'd transfer out so you wouldn't have to be uncomfortable working with him."

Johnny coughed again and considered returning the mask to his face but changed his mind. He continued. "I don't want that, Joanne. Please….don't let him do that." He rubbed the sheet between his fingers absently. "I….I've decided to apply for a captain's position. I know it's a long process but I….I always thought he and I would…..would do it together, ya know?"

Joanne stared at him wide-eyed. "I know he's wanted to do that since the regulations changed. He never regretted declining an engineer's position but…." She hesitated twisting her wedding band around on her finger. "But I think that if he doesn't try to do this…especially with you…then he'll never get over missing the opportunity."

"Then talk him into it." Johnny suggested.

Joanne thought briefly about it but then knew that Roy needed no more pressure on him right now. His anxiety level was already through the roof after what happened the previous night and she didn't want to make the situation worse. "I'll see what I can do." She smiled reaching for the mask and replacing it on his face, kissing his forehead and caressing his cheek. "Now….you get some rest."

Sometime later, Johnny awoke to the sound of mumblings in his room. He lay as still as he could beneath the covers trying to discern to whom the voices belonged.

"He was so panicky, Jo. I haven't seen him like that in years…maybe never."

"Did he say much to you on the way in?"

"Nah…he was kind of in and out of it plus he was still a little disoriented."

The two voices belonged to Joanne and Roy. Of that, he was sure. But, was he the topic of their conversation? He started to move around and let them know he was awake but then decided it would be better just to eavesdrop. He really wanted to know where he stood with Roy. He kept his eyes closed and deliberately breathed in a slow steady pattern so they wouldn't know he was conscious.

"He stayed awake for about forty-five minutes earlier." Joanne said in a low soft voice. "He's worried about you….asked how you were doing?"

"Did you tell him?" Roy asked.

"I told him that we were doing much better; I said we'd talked and that we were going to be alright."

"But not about…"

"Roy DeSoto…of course not! That's private between the two of us. And I've told you that it's nothing to be worried or upset about. We've been through a lot and it's just the stress." Joanne's voice sounded reassuring.

"I'm supposed to call Brackett when I get off shift in the morning. He's making me an appointment for an assessment…not looking forward to that."

"Why don't you just give it some time; don't jump to conclusions?" Joanne encouraged.

Johnny had no idea what the conversation was about but he continued to lie still while his two friends continued talking.

"I can't help it….this shouldn't be happening, at least not yet." He heard the concern in Roy's voice followed by a round of silence. "Well, take care of him, sweetheart. I'll relieve you as soon as shift is over in the morning."

Johnny heard a soft kiss and realized that his partner was leaving. He faked a cough pretending that it woke him up. "A-hu, a-huhu." He blinked his eyes open and closed a few times.

"Well, welcome back partner."

Johnny stared into the smiling face of his partner. "Hey….Pally."

"You gave me quite a scare back there - you know that?" Roy said the sentence lightly but the meaning was serious.

"Sorry…..payback's a bitch, huh?" He chuckled then had a coughing spell.

Roy immediately reached for the water pitcher and poured Johnny a glass full. Johnny removed the oxygen mask from his face then reached out a shaky hand to grab the glass.

"Here…I'll hold it for you." Roy pressed the straw against Johnny's lower lip and allowed the younger man to drink enough to quiet his cough.

"Thanks." He said replacing his mask. "Girl still doing ok?"

"Yea, in fact I asked Dixie about her a few minutes ago and she said that she was tolerating the treatments well. Still not sure how she managed to get left behind by the babysitter. No one even knew she was missing. The fellow that 10's found didn't survive. He coded on the way in. Early seems to think he was passed out before the fire anyway but the guys who went in and got him are still pretty bummed out. You know how that feels."

Johnny nodded his head but didn't answer. He wanted to ask Roy how much trouble he was in for buddy breathing with the little girl but he was afraid of his answer. Roy saw him staring off into the distance.

"Something wrong, Junior?"

Johnny jumped at Roy's question and knew he should explain his seeming lack of interest in the current conversation. "Well, I…I was just thinkin' 'bout…..well, Cap….he's mad as hell right now isn't he?"

Roy knew exactly what Johnny was talking about. "Why would he be mad? You had a leg cramp and lost your balance on the stairs. And you know how easy it is to knock off your mask when you fall. I just…well, I explained that when I first saw you, you weren't wearing your mask and I put it back on for you."

Johnny blinked slowly then looked into his partner's serious blue eyes. "That's not exactly what happened and you….know it."

Roy grinned broadly. "Yea, well…..a really wise man once told me that he was pretty damn good at keeping things to himself." He raised his eyebrows with a bright smile. "Now it's my turn to say it back to him….'I too am pretty damn good at keeping things to myself.'"

Roy watched Johnny's dark brown eyes grow lighter and more narrow as a smile spread beneath the oxygen mask. "Pretty smart man if I do say so myself."

Roy's expression matched that of his partner's. "Damn good friend too."

E!


	29. Chapter 29

Humanity Is Vulnerable – 29e

Roy stood up from the kitchen table as soon as his relief showed up the following morning. He was anxious to get to the hospital to see how Johnny had faired through the night.

Hank had seen Dwyer's vehicle drive past the window in the kitchen door just a few moments before Roy stood up. "Roy, can I…uh… have a word with you before you go please?"

"Sure, Cap."

Roy followed Hank into his office taking his cup of coffee with him. The Captain of 'B' shift had called in saying he was going to be a little late so Hank knew he had a few extra minutes. "Take a seat."

"Uh….thanks." Roy said nervously.

"You going over to Rampart to check on John this morning?" Hank asked.

"Yes sir…I know he'll need his duffle bag from his locker so he'll have some clothes to wear home. Joanne stayed with him last night and I'm going to sit with him for a little while if he needs me; give Jo a break, you know." He offered a smile to his superior.

"Nice to see the two of you getting along better." Hank gave his senior paramedic a brief smile.

Roy wasn't sure if Captain Stanley was talking about him and Joanne or if he was talking about the two paramedics. "Me too." He responded; it didn't matter which two Hank was talking about because truthfully Roy was glad that both of those relationships were on the mend.

"Roy….you did a great job yesterday…..going in and getting the child and Johnny out of there. It's a good feeling for a captain to see all his crew come out of one of those alive; even if one has to spend a few hours in a hospital room." Hank looked the younger man square in the eyes as he said his next few words. "Have you ever thought about going for a promotion for Captain yourself?"

Roy felt a flush rising from his midsection and continuing to redden his face. "Well, honestly I have given it a little thought….since the department created the paramedic track. But….I don't know if I'm ready yet or not." Roy was relieved that Hank wasn't asking questions about how Johnny got injured. He wanted to remind his captain that it was Johnny who had initially found the girl but he was afraid that might trigger a conversation he'd rather not take part in. He wouldn't have told Captain Stanley that Johnny violated protocol with his SCBA but he was at least thankful that he hadn't been asked the question directly.

Hank leaned back in his seat eyeing his senior paramedic. "Roy, I've watched you handle stressful situations for many years now. Mind you, I'm not trying to get rid of you but….let's just say it's time for me to do a little succession planning for the department."

The look on his face reminded Roy of fatherly admiration. "This team," he waved his arm around the room. "Is the finest group of men ever to be assembled by the Los Angeles County Fire Department. I see a lot of wisdom, experience and leadership in this station every time 'A' shift comes on." He leaned forward in his seat. "And I want the department and the citizens we protect to continue to have what we have here. The only way to ensure that….is for you all to pursue the next level." He paused, waiting for Roy's response.

"You….you think I've got what it takes to lead a group?" Roy rarely stumbled over his words but right now he was hearing something that he'd been dreaming about for a long time.

"Roy….I know you do."

"Thank you, Cap. That," Roy ran a nervous hand through his hair while shifting in his seat. "That really means a lot to me. I…well, I've always had the utmost respect for you and, ah…." Roy laced his fingers together in his lap. "This means a lot coming from you."

Hank stood and Roy followed his lead. "Roy….give John my best will you? And I'll see you next shift."

"Thanks and I'll be sure to tell him you wished him well."

Hank stood in the doorway as he watched his senior paramedic walk away from his office. _Yes, three out of five will be moving up soon. Marco won't be far behind them and then maybe Chet will finally get a decent score on the engineer's exam. _Hank stared long and hard at the two emergency vehicles sitting in the bay and wondered if perhaps his time would soon come as well. After all…he'd always dreamed of wearing a white helmet.

E!

Joanne looked up at the sound of the light knock on Johnny's door. Johnny was in the middle of doing his deep inhalation exercises and was grateful for the distraction.

"Hey there." Roy said with a smile slipping Johnny's duffle bag off his shoulder and letting it drop to the floor. "Well, well…..Junior, you suck!"

Johnny relaxed his lips and set the spirometer down. "Very funny, Roy." He tried to act frustrated but he couldn't help but laugh at his partner's joke.

"So…..they gonna let me spring you outta this joint today or what? Joanne and I can take care of you at home as well as they can here." Roy added.

"Oh no….I'm goin' to my apartment. I mean, I appreciate the offer but….you two don't need me around ruining your time away from the kids." Johnny gave Roy a knowing smile but quickly noticed that Roy didn't exactly return it.

Joanne folded the magazine she'd had her nose stuck in and stood up. "Good luck with that, Honey. I tried to talk him into coming to our house and he refused my offer too.

"Well…you go on home and get some rest. We had an easy night so I'm fine and I can stay until he gets released and then I'll see you…..er…we'll see you." Roy dipped down kissing Joanne quickly on the lips.

Johnny pressed his lips into a thin line. "Now look, you two - don't talk about me like I'm not here! Besides, I'm not a child!" He said but had to smile when both DeSoto faces turned his way.

"Johnny…..we couldn't forget that even if we wanted to…which we don't." She moved toward the door pulling her purse onto her shoulder.

"Hey…Jo…um, thanks a lot for stayin' with me. It…well, it really helped me to know I wasn't alone, ya know?" Johnny's face turned crimson with his acknowledgement.

"Any time, sweetie….any time." She said closing the door behind her.

"Man, Roy you are one lucky fellow." Johnny said returning the oxygen mask to his face.

Roy continued looking absently in the direction of the closed door. "That I am, Junior….that I am."

Roy inhaled deeply then exhaled, slumping his shoulders. "I love her a lot. I just wish…..ah, never mind." He turned back around to face his partner. "So, tell me why you can't spend a day or two recuperating at our house?"

Johnny pulled his mask off. "C'mon….you two are just gettin' things worked out and….well, you don't have the kids there right now….and..." His face grew red and he averted his gaze. "And….you might wanna…you know….chase her around naked or something." He smiled his trademark grin.

Roy's face fell to his chest. He stepped over to the chair Joanne had slept in the night before. "Yea, well….you don't have to worry about interrupting that activity." He stared at the floor. He was humiliated and immediately wished he could retract his statement.

Johnny's smile quickly faded as he watched his friend sit down. He didn't understand Roy's comment. He had assumed that since Roy and Joanne had been successfully repairing their marriage that their sex life would be repaired as well. He didn't want to inhibit their amorous activities. He knew that Roy was a private man in that area, very private, but he also knew that the DeSoto's had always enjoyed a very healthy and active sex life. He thought to the day Roy had returned to work after his near fatal accident and the hickie he had seen on Roy's neck that morning. His thoughts then turned to the conversation the two of them had shared in the squad regarding sex. The conversation had been shared in confidence so it had never been mentioned again but looking at his partner's sad face now compared to his attitude that day, Johnny knew something had changed; something devastating.

"Roy…are you ok?" He pulled the oxygen mask off his head and left it lying near his pillow. He'd only been wearing it to appease Joanne anyway. He didn't really feel like he needed it any more. He waited for Roy to answer him but when he didn't, Johnny became very worried. "Roy…..talk to me, pally."

Roy looked away from Johnny's bed and quickly brushed away the moisture he didn't want his young partner to see. He opened his mouth to give some sort of an answer but was interrupted by Dr. Brackett walking into Johnny's room.

"Well, how're you feeling this morning?"

Johnny immediately put on his biggest grin. "Oh fine, fine Doc. When can I leave?"

Roy looked over at Dr. Brackett extending his hand to his medical director in a friendly handshake as the man walked closer to Johnny's bed. "Doc."

"Roy." Kel shook the proffered hand and then turned his attention to Johnny. "So, can't wait to leave us again, huh?"

Johnny snickered. "Well, don't take it personally, Doc but….I prefer not to be cooped up….know what I mean?"

"Yea…I get it." Kel smiled at the energetic young man. "I'm gonna give you your walking papers, alright?"

Johnny clapped his hands together and rubbed them briskly. "That's what I'm talkin' about. Bring'em on."

"Alright, Johnny. You know the rules. Rest and drink lots of water. Come back if you begin having any problems breathing or develop more of a cough. Check back with me before you go on shift again….just a phone call will be fine. I'll release you to work next shift as long as there are no setbacks." He patted his paramedic's shoulder lightly.

"Thanks, Doc." Johnny's smile seemed to take up half his face.

Kel turned to Roy. "Can I see you just a minute?"

Johnny's smile relaxed quickly. "A'right now….no talking about me behind my back."

"Not gonna talk about you, Johnny. I promise." Kel threw his words over his shoulder as Roy followed him out of Johnny's door.

Roy walked a few steps then leaned against the hall wall.

Dr. Brackett stepped in front of him then spoke. "I've got that appointment for you. It's next Monday at 10:45am. Will that work?"

Roy swallowed around the lump in his throat. "Yea…I can make that. We'll work off shift the day before."

"I thought I'd figured it up right when I made the appointment. It'll be ok, Roy. You'll see." He slapped the paramedic lightly on his upper arm then walked away leaving Roy dreading the return to the conversation Dr. Brackett had interrupted a few moments earlier.

E!

Joanne pulled her keys from her purse and opened up the front door of the DeSoto residence. She hurriedly made her way down the hallway and began straightening up their guest room. She hoped that Roy would be better able to persuade Johnny to return to their home than she had been. She retrieved fresh linens from the linen closet in the hallway and began the task of stripping the bed and adding the clean sheets and pillow cases. She then placed the comforter back on the twin bed and bundled up the bedding, exiting the room and heading to the laundry room. The load was a small one so she decided to change the sheets on the bed in the master bedroom too. She left the lid of the washing machine open while the water began to fill the basin and hurried up the stairs. She opened the door and saw the bed she'd made up the day before. There were no wrinkles in the cover and the pillows were placed in the perfect spot. She slowly sat down on the foot of the bed and allowed her mind to wander back in time to the first time she and Roy had ever made love here.

Chris had been only an infant when they'd finally saved up enough money for the down payment. They were so excited about moving in to their new home and getting out of their small one bedroom apartment. They hadn't felt comfortable allowing their infant son to sleep in his baby bed in the same room with them. They had talked about how silly it was but they had both confessed that it felt like his tiny eyes were watching them during their love making and it made them both uneasy. They had always stayed underneath the covers with the room in total darkness being very quiet as they enjoyed the sensations each brought to the other.

Once they bought this house and Chris had his own room, it wasn't necessary to do that anymore. She remembered putting Chris to sleep early the first night they'd stayed in this house. She slowly pulled his door closed as he lay in his bed drifting off to the land of nod on the wings of his soft baby snores. She'd watched him for a moment caught up in the miracle that she and Roy had created with their love for each other. Then she quietly closed his door behind her on her way to the master suite. She had taken her time grooming herself earlier while Roy fed and bathed Chris. She wanted everything to be perfect for their first night together in the house. She had slipped into Roy's favorite purple baby doll nightie and then added knee high stockings and a matching purple garter. She couldn't wait to see his expression when she removed her robe.

Roy had made his way back to the top of the stairs after checking to make sure he'd locked his family inside safe and sound for the night. The image he saw of her backing out of Chris' room wearing only her pale pink robe was stunning. Her hair looked as soft and silky as her robe and he thought he'd caught a glimpse of stockings underneath. He wondered for a moment if she'd dressed up for their first night together in their new home. He walked up behind her just as she was turning around and she bumped into his muscular chest. Her smile broadened causing her green eyes to narrow; they were already dark with desire. He never took his eyes off of her face as he dipped slightly scooping her up into a cradle carry and moving towards their bedroom door. He pushed on it slightly feeling it move from the pressure and open up allowing him to enter carrying his beautiful wife. He gently laid her down on their new queen sized bed then hurriedly closed the door behind them. When he turned back around, she was lying on her back with one knee bent slightly. She was propped up on their fluffy pillows and was reaching down to untie her robe.

Joanne could feel the heat emanating from Roy's groin and she loved it. She saw his crystal blue eyes become hooded as he took in the vision of her lying on top of the covers dressed so provocatively. She licked her lips as the anticipation increased with each heartbeat then felt her shuddering breath as he lowered his face towards hers. Their lips met briefly then pulled apart before coming together again with a passion neither had ever experienced. She parted her lips, lightly feeling his probing tongue roaming between them then plunging inside as he released a throaty groan. She ran her hands up along his strong arms allowing one to rest on his hairy chest while the other gripped the back of his neck pulling him even harder into the kiss.

Roy had never known a kiss could be so intense. He finally had to pull away for a breath and when he did he saw Joanne throwing her head back in an obvious invitation for more. He left a trail of white hot kisses across her cheek, down the sensitive spot behind her ear and continuing past her collarbone where his lips met with the purple lace. He leaned down beside her holding himself up with his left elbow while his right hand stroked up the length of her arm to the spaghetti strap that draped across her shoulder. Slowly, he peeled it down far enough so as to free her left breast from its confines then slowly ran his trembling fingers across the newly exposed skin. He heard her whimper and was encouraged to give her more.

"No panties tonight, huh?" He asked then watched her suck her lower lip between her teeth and seductively shook her head from side to side.

Roy's mouth and tongue continued to nibble along her ear lobe as they found their rhythm. With each thrust his breathing increased and he felt her shuddering beneath his ministrations; his breath tickling her ear with each faint grunting exhalation.

Joanne could finally delay it no more and pushed her hips against him as she cried out into the night. Her orgasm taking her breath away momentarily and she jerked and shuddered through it. Finally, her release completed, she relaxed and inhaled deeply trying to catch her breath as Roy approached his final couple of thrusts before he too groaned in ecstasy.

Several moments later they slid apart, each spent and lying breathless on their backs. Their hands sought out each other allowing their intertwining fingers to speak the words that they no longer were capable of. Roy moved his thumb across the back of her hand in a tender gesture while they recovered their ability to speak. "I love you so much, Jo."

It took all the effort Joanne could muster but she managed to roll her drained body onto her side and began stroking Roy's chest with her fingers. Within minutes, Chris' wasn't the only DeSoto who had drifted off in satiated slumber.

Back in the present, Joanne sniffed back her tears as she ran her hand along the soft comforter of their marital bed. She couldn't help but wonder if the marital pleasures they'd shared for so many years were over.

E!

Roy pulled up to the curb where Johnny sat impatiently in a wheelchair with an orderly standing behind him. Roy threw him a sarcastic grin and watched as Johnny rolled his eyes knowing exactly what Roy meant.

As soon as Roy stopped his car, his partner stood up reaching for the door handle. He threw his nearly empty duffle bag in the floorboard and sat down. "Thanks, man." He waved to the orderly as he turned the wheelchair around and pushed it back inside the hospital.

Roy couldn't help but snicker at the face Johnny was making. He knew his friend was waiting on a comment and Roy didn't disappoint him. "So….did you manage to get a date with him?"

"Shut up, Roy." He said looking straight ahead; his face twitching as a crooked smile started forming beneath his smiling eyes.

"Well, the last couple of times I've picked you up from Rampart you've managed to persuade the nice young ladies who escort you out here, to go out on a date with you. I just assumed you'd decided to expand your horizons." Roy could hardly contain his laughter.

Johnny continued looking straight ahead. "Well, you know what they say about assume….it makes an ass out of you and me." He deadpanned.

"Not making an ass outta me, Junior…I'm not the one who just made a date with that burly fellow back…"

"Roy…I swear, if Chet finds out about this….." He didn't have a chance to finish his statement.

"Ah ah ah," Roy held up his index finger to silence his younger partner. "Both of us are pretty damn good at keeping things to ourselves, remember?" He made the right hand turn out of the parking lot and headed towards home with his partner in tow.

"Huh…yea….yea I do." Johnny's joking face turned somewhat somber. "So…..talk to me, partner."

Roy's face grew serious again and he quickly flipped on his blinker, pulling to a stop in the same parking lot that he and Johnny had discussed sex in after seeing the hate-filled graffiti written on the door of the apartment in the building where they'd been inspecting fire extinguishers. He pulled to a stop, lifting the emergency break out of habit, and sat staring into the distance. Neither man spoke for several long moments as Roy tried to figure out how to share what was on his mind and Johnny sat still hoping this wasn't going to throw his partner back into the darkness.

E!


	30. Chapter 30

Warning: Strong language

Humanity Is Vulnerable-30e

Roy leaned his head back against the headrest and blew out his cheeks in a rush of air. He hadn't planned on talking to Johnny about this but now that they were sitting here in the abandoned parking lot alone, he couldn't think of a reason not to. It had been eating him up inside and if he was going to share it with a total stranger on Monday then why couldn't he share it with his best friend today? He swallowed back his nervousness and without looking at Johnny, he began.

Johnny sat mesmerized staring at Roy who was obviously struggling to say what was on his mind. He watched as Roy's jaw muscles repeatedly clenched and relaxed while his blue eyes stared unseeing at the steering wheel.

"Johnny, I….well, Joanne and I truly have been getting along great since I got home from the hospital." He huffed trying to find the words to explain himself. "But, well…." He hesitated turning his head to look directly into the coffee colored eyes of his friend and found nothing but concern and sincerity in the dark orbs. "Physically, we….it's….well, it's not happening, ok?"

Johnny drew his eyebrows together in confusion. His mouth hung slightly open as he processed what Roy was saying. "But, she didn't seem upset at all….I mean, she really seemed genuinely happy about the two of you reconciling." Johnny thought back over the comment Roy had made back in his hospital room just before Dr. Brackett had interrupted him. He then slapped his hand down on his jeans and looked forward momentarily as understanding crept in. Finally, he shook his head from side to side. "I-I….I just don't get it, Roy. Sex isn't the basis of a loving relationship but it is an important part, right? Why would she just cut ya off like that?"

Roy rubbed his thumb and fingers across his forehead in a futile effort to stave off the stress headache he was beginning to feel. "Aahh…..she, she hasn't cut me off. I….I'm not able to…to get an erection." There, he'd said it…out loud…and to the Don Juan of the L.A. County Fire Department. He gripped the steering wheel with both hands until his knuckles turned white then slowly leaned forward until his head rested between his hands, his forehead on the steering wheel. He felt a surge of despair rising from his feet giving him the sensation of sinking in quicksand. His breathing came in short gasps as he fought with his emotions. He didn't know what he'd expected from Johnny. Sympathy? Pity? Laughter? Whatever it was, what he got certainly wasn't what he'd anticipated.

Johnny had always felt very strongly about most things. It was part of what made him such a good paramedic….and an even better friend. He had the uncanny ability to not just imagine how another person might feel; he had the unenviable gift of actually feeling emotions along with the other person. He felt the shame, embarrassment, pain, despair and heartache that Roy was currently drowning in at this moment. He reached out a supportive hand and clamped it down on the neck and shoulders of his partner. "Man…Roy, I…..I'm so sorry this is happenin' to ya right now. How long has it been goin' on?"

Roy sniffled leaning back and turning his head quickly to his left, away from his partner. He leaned his head into the palm of his hand, his elbow propped on the window ledge of his convertible. "Just a few days," he whispered with deep melancholy in his voice. How could he explain to Johnny that when he and Joanne had both felt like the time was right to rekindle their sexual relations, he'd been unable to achieve an erection? Joanne had been so understanding, so supportive but that didn't take away the hurt…and it did nothing to dissipate the growing fear that he might never again experience the joys of making love to his beautiful wife.

"Roy…..a few days isn't long enough to get freaked ou…a-huu..hmm…a-huu." Johnny's sudden episode of coughing cut short his response. He quickly spat out the offending phlegm then continued. "Uh….sorry… you've been through hell lately. Don't expect so much of yourself….give yourself a break."

Roy sat staring at the floor board, too embarrassed to look at his partner. "I….I just hate to…to disappoint her."

Johnny cleared his throat, "A-hem, well…there're a lot of other things you can do for her, ya know?"

Roy didn't respond to Johnny's statement which left the younger man wondering just how bad the situation really was between the DeSoto's. He needed more information in order to offer any other ideas. His voice sounded raspy from the smoke he'd inhaled and frequent coughing but it was the nervousness he heard that made him grimace. "So, uh….been gettin' mornin' boners?"

Roy lifted his chin slightly keeping his gaze poised on the cars passing along the side street. "Yea…..same as always."

"Hmmm, 'k…so it isn't your equipment that's faulty." He cringed, closing his eyes and lowering his head. "Sorry…that came out all wrong."

"No," Roy began in something akin to a stage whisper. "I know what you're getting at and I've already thought about that."

Johnny pressed his lips together tightly, inhaling slowly as he tried to summon enough courage to ask the next question on his mind. "Umm…so can…I mean….well, when you….….ummm." He shook his dark hair exasperated at himself. Here they were…good friends….best friends, in fact, and adults….yet he couldn't even manage to string a few words together in a coherent sentence because of the subject matter. He huffed again, looking away from Roy, and just blurted it out. "Can you get a hard-on by yourself?"

Roy narrowed his eyes, slowly turning his head to face Johnny. "What?"

"You know…can you…uh…do it yourself?"

"I think the word you're looking for is masturbate, Junior."

"Yea, sure…ok," Johnny mumbled then looked at Roy with hopeful eyes. "….so, can you?"

Roy exhaled hard returning his attention to the hood of his gold Porsche. "Yea," Roy spoke into the afternoon breeze.

"Hmmm," Johnny thought. "And ejaculate, like usual?"

Roy nodded.

"Since the…uh…inability started?" Johnny stammered.

"YES!" Roy raised his voice. "A couple of days ago, in the shower, while Joanne was napping….using my right hand, moderate pressure, approximately 45 - 50 strokes per minute, took about three minutes…now does that answer all your questions?" He hammered out the information with obvious aggravation.

"Oh." Johnny was too shocked to find his voice and merely sat still with his mouth slightly agape.

"And later that night…when it mattered…I couldn't get it up." Roy's voice faded.

"So you guys haven't….since the whole…uh." Johnny's stuttering brought Roy's attention back to his partner.

"No…we haven't….'cause I can't."

Johnny's eyes warmed and his cheeks began to glow slightly. "It's kinda obvious, Roy; I can't believe you haven't realized it already."

Roy cast a smirk in Johnny's direction. "Oh…so now you're a fucking doctor?"

Johnny couldn't hide the snicker that began to bubble deep inside his chest, rising slowly upwards. His lips twitched as he fought the sudden urge to grin and giggle. Coughing, he turned his head away from Roy to prevent his face from being seen. His eyes became watery and his torso spasmed until he could no longer contain the series of guffaws that overwhelmed his thin body. His face suddenly brightened with his chortles. "Awww, oh shit…hahahaha…a-huu…a-huu-huu." He held his midsection, aching from his laughter while the subsequent coughing subsided. "Good one, Roy."

"Good one, what?" Roy was seething at his partner's lackadaisical attitude regarding his personal torment.

"Fucking doctor? You're having an issue with sex and you asked me if I was a fucking doctor? Get it?"

Roy's blue eyes burned intently at his dark haired partner. "No."

"Oh, ok…see….if you're having heart problems, you see a heart doctor. You're having sexual problems so you..." He laughed goofily. "Haha…you need a fucking doctor."

"That isn't funny."

"Ah…oh, yea…ok." Johnny looked down at his denim covered knees feeling the full weight of Roy's admonishment. "A-hem…listen to me, Roy. Erections have just as much to do with what's going on up here," he said tapping his index finger to his temple, "as they do down there, maybe even more."

"Yea…well, it's the down there part that isn't working when I need it too." Roy said rolling his eyes and propping his head back down on his palm.

"And it's because of what's up here…and in here." Johnny spoke softly, pointing to his head and his heart, respectively."

Roy shook his head with an obligatory eye roll. "I gotta get you home….that smoke you ate is starting to affect your brain." Roy reached for the keys still in the ignition.

"Don't…" Johnny reached for Roy's wrist pulling back slightly, encouraging him to let go. "Please, let me explain what I mean." Johnny waited for several tense moments as Roy contemplated his next move.

Roy felt the metal key in his hands. He wanted to turn it and get out of the parking lot…and this conversation. But he also knew that as immature as Johnny often acted, he was also a deep thinking man. Perhaps he could offer Roy some insight. He let the key ring dangle leaving the key in the ignition, leaning back in the seat pressing his head against the head rest for the second time. "Alright."

Now it was Johnny's turn to hesitate. He was about to reveal to his partner the details of an incident he swore he'd take with him to his grave. He gulped back the nervousness that left his mouth feeling dry and forged on ahead.

"Back when I was at the academy, I used to stop by that little diner on the corner…the one with the red and black awnings, remember?" Johnny smiled as his mind carried him back nearly a decade and a half. His life in many ways was more difficult back then. He had to live as frugally as possible but he soon discovered that the nightly specials at the diner were affordable a couple of times a week. Those meals were some of the best he'd found since moving to Los Angeles, but it wasn't the meals that had kept him returning to the diner.

"Yea…I remember it." Roy stared at his partner not understanding where the conversation was going but fully expecting that wherever it ended, it would include a lot of pain for Johnny along the way.

Johnny's smile broadened across his handsome face as he remembered her. Blair Marshall was a waitress at the diner. She often worked the evening shift because she was finishing up her nursing degree and she had morning classes. Johnny was immediately attracted to the feisty green-eyed lady with chestnut hair and it didn't take long for the two of them to strike up a close friendship. "Blair was such a breath of fresh air…not like some of the girls who liked to hang around the academy trying to snag a man in uniform."

Roy thought back to his days at the academy. Back then his heart had been and still was for one woman only but that didn't seem to stop a few young women from making him offers. He wondered if he would've been able to resist the temptation had he been in Johnny's shoes then. Johnny's voice brought him back to their conversation.

"We hit it off right away. She was a student too and was just as broke as I was. We didn't have many fancy dates or anything but we did enjoy each other's company. We liked to go hiking together and picnics…she was real, Roy; she was the kind of girl who…what you see is what you get."

"Not many of those out there, Junior." Roy offered a bit of input into the conversation; his voice sounding soft in contrast to John's.

"Well, when you can't afford much entertainment, you kinda start creatin' your own, ya know?" He looked up briefly and saw understanding in the blue eyes looking back at him. He lowered his gaze and continued.

"She was a virgin, a twenty year old virgin; which was pretty rare in the days of 'free love' but the price was within our budget." He grinned at the joke that he and Blair often shared about their choice of entertainment. "I…well, I had a little experience but it was more just heavy petting and a couple of blow jobs back in high school but she said that still made me a virgin too." He looked up but away from his partner as the gentle wind blew small tufts of dark hair up all around his head and fluttered his bangs.

"She was right, you know?" Roy said.

"Yea…I know…it was beautiful, Roy. We made love with such passion and vigor and…and nothing had ever felt that good, physically but also emotionally too. We…we connected in...in an almost spiritual way. After a few months I…I started thinkin' that we were meant to be together…forever."

Roy heard the pain in Johnny's voice and when he hesitated, Roy interjected. "Then why aren't you together now? What happened?"

Roy watched Johnny scrub his face with the palm of his hand paying special attention to the corners of his eyes where the moisture was pooling.

"It was her last semester in school. I was finishing up my training at the academy and she was working on her clinicals. She was required to do a three week rotation at the Veterans Administration Hospital in Sylmar." His breathing became ragged and he began coughing.

Roy watched the pain wash over his partner and when he named the location, Roy immediately knew the date. His gut churned; after all these years together, Johnny had never told him about Blair.

"February 9…'71?" Roy asked tentatively.

Johnny nodded while grinding his teeth together to maintain some semblance of control. "Yea…killed instantly…Blair and over sixty others died in the Sylmar Quake when the building basically collapsed around them."

Roy felt a crushing pain in his heart and reached out with a supportive hand for his partner's shoulder. "I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea, Johnny."

"'s ok…it was a long time ago." He blew out a heavy breath. "Sometimes I think, maybe…maybe that's why I was so drawn to rescue work; I couldn't save her but each time I did rescue someone…I could just imagine those sparkling green eyes shining down on me from her place in heaven…joining the paramedic program was just a natural progression."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Roy's blue eyes were puddled. He felt like he finally had some insight into why Johnny was so dedicated to his job…and why he was so good at it.

Johnny shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know….it just, it never came up, I guess." He continued looking into the distance instead of at Roy. "Anyway, I somehow managed to graduate in spite of her death and got stationed over at 10's. My closest friends at the academy and my instructors knew but…well, I just figured when I started at 10's it was a new beginning so…I never mentioned it to anybody. I kept getting offers from guys to set me up and I kept finding reasons to turn them down; threw myself into the job. Finally, I knew I had to go out again…even if I didn't want to…before someone started to think I was gay." His half smile didn't make it up to his dark eyes.

"I went out with this girl…hell, I can't even remember her name; doesn't matter anyway. We both drank too much and…and ended up back at her apartment. A little while later we were kissin' and gropin' each other and somehow we made it to her bedroom." Johnny looked forlornly into his lap. "And half an hour later I was making a fast exit with her yelling obscenities at my back."

He finally dared a glance at Roy and saw the questions on his round face. He looked back down at his lap. "Huh…there I was…naked in bed with a VERY willing buxom blonde with perfect teeth and a bronze tan and…I couldn't do a damn thing…I…um…I had NO lead in my pencil. I was twenty-fuckin'-two years old; the goddamn wind blowin' was enough to make it get hard but…then and there….wasn't happenin'…no matter what we did."

"I...I'm sorry you went through that…I can honestly say, I understand." Roy offered as some sort of comfort to his upset friend.

Johnny just shook his head negatively. "No…no you don't, Roy. I bet Jo…I bet she didn't laugh at you…make derogatory remarks about your manhood and…and swear at you for not givin' her what she wanted…did she?"

Roy could only shake his head. As difficult as the last few days had been on him; it was nothing compared to what his partner had endured at the hands of a selfish miserable excuse for a woman.

"Well, I thought I was gonna hafta swear off women altogether. I mean, I could handle things myself with no problem but…" He screwed his eyes shut with a sarcastic grin. "Sorry, but…yea…that is what I meant by that…even though I didn't mean it like it sounded."

Roy smiled at Johnny's old personality coming through again. He often said a lot without saying anything. "Masturbated…Johnny. It's just a word…say it."

He chuckled a little. "Yea, yea…ok…I masturbated fine. I…I even saw an urologist who told me I was healthy. Oh yea…big help that was." He grimaced at the memory of that exam and subsequent line of questioning. "Just after I met you…right after I started the paramedic training course…I met another young lady. She wasn't Blair…but she was a close second…we're still pretty good friends too."

Roy watched his partner's color return to his cheeks and a genuine smile cross his features. "Anybody I know?"

Johnny blushed slightly. "Patty."

"Patty? Your Veterinarian friend, Patty Hogan?" Roy asked, his voice sounding shocked.

"The same one." Johnny grinned.

Roy smiled at his friend. "Now I understand why you like horses so much." He kidded thinking about the large animal surgeon and Johnny as a couple. "Was she why you took such an interest in calf roping that time?"

Johnny snickered at the memory then shifted in his seat as his lower anatomy remembered the pain from spending too much time on a horse. "Yea…yea, it was her horse I borrowed to get some practice."

"I should've known there was a pretty face involved." Roy laughingly rolled his eyes as Johnny shifted in his seat.

"We…well, we obviously didn't work out…we're, ah…we're way too much alike. She's happily married now and has been for many years…and I'm happy for her. Obviously, we're still good friends. But for a while we dated and, as you can imagine, when she suggested we take the relationship to the next level…I panicked. I mean, we'd be making out and I'd be hard as steal but…I was scared to death that once we hopped in the sack…I'd lose it. I kept giving her excuses and she acted like she understood but…damn, I wanted it so badly." He ran his sweaty palms down the front of his jeans.

"How long had it been?" Roy asked.

"What…since I'd had sex?" When Roy confirmed the question, Johnny answered. "Over a year. I finally got the nerve to explain to her that…that somethin' was wrong with me. I offered to do whatever she wanted me to do to…to pleasure her but…that I was afraid sex was outta the question."

Roy rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "Damn, that took a lot o' nerve."

"Best thing I ever did, Roy. Opening up to her like that, spillin' my guts and just bein' honest. She kept askin' me questions about my previous relationships and I explained I'd only ever been with one woman. I'd gotten to third base a couple of times but Blair…she was my only home run." He looked away again and flicked a drop of moisture from his right eye. "Patty, she talked to me…really talked to me and listened to me to…no judgment at all…and then she said somethin' that…that I'll never forget."

Roy was watching Johnny closely as he looked back up. "What'd she say?"

"She told me that…that having sex…wasn't cheatin' on Blair. She said she knew that I still loved her…even after that much time and that…well, that probably deep down…I believed I was betrayin' her…I didn't want to hurt her."

"You think that was it?" Roy asked, sounding unconvinced.

"It took a while…and a few visits to the cemetery to talk it threw with Blair but…Patty was right. When I finally let go of Blair…or Blair's ghost…I was able to…ya know, perform again." He looked up at Roy with a wicked grin.

"And did that performance include a co-star named Patty Hogan?" Roy asked matching Johnny's facial expressions.

"Yep…didn't happen on the first try but she was so understandin', encouragin' and supportive…I…I wasn't ashamed anymore…I felt like…like a man again."

Roy sat looking at the steering wheel processing everything his younger partner had just told him. "So you think that's what's wrong with me…I'm afraid of hurting Joanne somehow?"

"Think about it, Roy. What was your biggest fear right after you heard about Peter's diagnosis?" Johnny's expressive eyes squinted in the glare of the late afternoon sun. "That you'd infect Joanne, right?"

Roy's eyes widened with understanding. "Yea…yea but…but Brackett already said that I probably didn't have it because of where my donated blood came from."

"But he didn't do a test for it; you don't have a piece of paper with the confirmation in black and white. Don't you see?" Johnny quickly held up his hand, palm out, to stop the protest from Roy. "I know…there is no blood test yet…but they're gettin' close and then hopefully they'll have a vaccine but right now…it's a diagnosis based on symptoms only. Roy, deep inside…I think you're still afraid of infectin' her. I mean, you gotta admit…you were really upset about it…and, and…I don't blame you a'right? No one would, not even Jo."

Roy cleared his throat. "She doesn't…we've talked about that actually." He smiled a bit. "It does kinda make sense, I guess…but, what do I do? Remain celibate until Brackett can tell me my blood's clean? That won't help Joanne any. It could take years." He looked to the side quickly then back at his partner.

Johnny's smile covered the entire lower half of his face. "No! Haven't you been payin' attention to the public service announcements lately?" He shook his head with a chuckle. "Wrap that rascal!"

Roy couldn't stop the giggle that escaped his lips. He couldn't believe he was sitting in a vacant parking lot with his partner…both of whom were closer to forty than thirty years old…laughing like a couple of zit-faced school boys looking at their first issue of Playboy. "Wear a condom?"

"Why not? Beats the alternative, doesn't it?"

For the first time in several long weeks, Roy's smile was genuine and seemed to envelope him like an aura. He reached forward, turning the keys in the ignition and firing up the Porsche. "Got time for me to make a quick stop by the drug store on the way home?"

"As long as you take me to my apartment instead of your house." Johnny replied.

"No can do, Junior. I'm keeping an eye on you just like I promised Brackett and Joanne. Besides, you'll be downstairs…and our bedroom door has a lock."

"Uh-oh…I might've created a monster." Johnny grinned.

"I sure as hell hope so." Roy snickered. He hesitated before shifting his car into gear. Finally, he looked over at the man sitting in his passenger's seat. Roy bit his lower lip trying to put into words what he was beginning to think about his best friend. "Johnny…you, ah…you don't take sex lightly at all do you?"

Johnny knew that Roy was finally understanding why he'd been so wrong with his comment about Johnny catching skirts. "No…" He inhaled deeply then let his gaze drift back towards the front of the car without really seeing anything except his past. "No…I…I do a lot of flirtin'…and I get dumped a lot but…I don't catch many skirts at all…if you know what I mean."

"I do, Junior. I finally do."

"Uh…say, Roy…you won't, uh…you won't tell anybody…will ya? I mean, I don't mind Joanne knowing but…nobody else, please?" Johnny asked running his hand through his dark hair.

Roy grinned. "Never…'cause I'm damn good at keeping things to myself."

The two friends guffawed into the wind as Roy pulled out into traffic once again headed home...with Johnny once again coughing at his side.

E!

Johnny reached a groggy hand over slapping his alarm clock until the annoying sound ceased. He opened first one eye and then the other kicking the covers off his bed. It felt good to be home but it felt even better to be alive and well enough to go back to work today. He groaned and coughed slightly as he shuffled to his bathroom to take care of his most pressing need. The extra fluid Dr. Brackett had ordered him to drink over the last couple of days had certainly kept him moving. He stepped into the shower and thirty minutes later was standing in front of his toaster waiting for the bread slices to pop up.

He sat bouncing one knee while hurriedly consuming his breakfast and mentally preparing himself for the next shift. In the quiet of his apartment, he thought back over the time he'd spent at the DeSoto's. He'd revealed so much more to Roy than he'd ever intended but in a way it felt liberating. He remembered how warm and welcoming his surrogate brother and sister-in-law had been to him during the twenty-four hours following his hospital discharge. Joanne had hovered and Roy had pushed fluids which, even though he hated, he appreciated. He thought about his recommendation to Roy to hopefully improve their sex life but had been disappointed the following morning at breakfast when his hopeful eyes were met by Roy's downcast eyes and a slight negative shake of his head.

Dr. Brackett had cleared him for work after a quick phone call and now he walked out of his apartment, duffle bag draped over his shoulder, and headed for his rover. He glanced at his watch quickly and smiled at the thought of arriving at the station ahead of Chet. "Haha!" He blurted pulling into the morning traffic and tapping out a rhythm on his steering wheel.

He flipped on his left blinker and waited for a break in traffic so he could pull into the station. Finally catching a break, he accelerated, quickly rounding the corner to the back of the station. His heart skipped a beat when he realized that Roy's car wasn't there.

"C'mon, man. Please just be running a few minutes late." He whispered to himself. He grabbed his duffle and quickly headed for the locker room.

"Mornin', Mike…Marco."

"Hey, Gage."

"How you feeling, John?" Marco asked buttoning up his shirt.

Johnny turned around with his usual smile and saw Mike leaning against a sink already in uniform. "Oh, much better." He cleared his throat.

"Still sound a little raspy." Mike noticed.

"Yea….but it's a lot better though."

"Good…I'll go put the coffee on." Mike walked out the door while Chet entered on the back swing.

"Hey, Johnny…where's Roy?" Chet asked with a Cheshire cat grin on his face. He knew that the last person who arrived usually got latrine duty; something with which he was all too familiar.

Johnny arched an eyebrow as he eyed the curly haired linemen. "I don't know, Chet. He's usually here before us."

Chet continued his grinning as he quickly changed into his uniform blues and exited ahead of Johnny. Again, Johnny cast a worried glance at his watch just as the locker room door flew open ahead of a breathless Roy DeSoto.

"About damn time." Johnny admonished. "You had me worried."

Roy was wearing a broad smile that stretched from ear to ear. "Sorry, Junior," Roy began peeking around the lockers to make sure they were alone. "Jo gave me quite a sendoff this morning." He waggled his eyebrows at his younger partner.

Johnny propped his right forearm against his closed locker then landed his left hand on his hip. His crooked smile met that of his partner's while his understanding grew. "Aahhh, I get it…" He snickered but was quickly interrupted by Roy's fast response.

"So did Joanne!"

"Haha…congratulations, Pally!" He slapped his hand on his partner's back while he waited for Roy to finish getting dressed. The two then made their way out to the roll call line.

"Well, glad you two could join us." Hank said with a hint of sarcasm. He began with the few announcements he held in his hand and finished up with chores.

Chet smiled smugly as he was given the chore of cleaning the apparatus bay. He then turned to stare at Roy's reaction to being given latrine duty and waited for the fallout.

"Gage, dorms and DeSoto,"

"I know, Cap…latrines…got it." He quipped, rocking back on his heels with his grin still plastered on his face.

Chet's smile faded fast. "Are you high, DeSoto?"

"No..…are you?" Roy joked and quickly joined in the laughter of the other men in the crew.

Johnny stood back and watched with amazement at the difference in Roy over the last few weeks; especially since they'd shared their very private conversation about his past. He cast a quick glance upwards and with a wink he whispered. "Thanks, Blair-bear."

E!


	31. Chapter 31

Humanity Is Vulnerable-31e

Kelly Brackett looked at the information in front of him. "Finally."

So many people had died since the AIDS epidemic had started. Cases were being diagnosed on every continent in the world and the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control were both fighting it with all the resources they could muster. Now he held in his hand the best information he had received since the virus and its modes of transmission had been identified. While it wasn't a cure, it offered hope to many individuals both worldwide and also close to home.

He looked up at the sound of a knock on his door. "Come in."

"Kel?"

"Come on in, Joe." Dr. Brackett watched as his long-time colleague closed the door behind him and took a seat. "I've got something here that I think will make your day."

Dr. Joe Early looked into blue eyes that held a hint of a sparkle he hadn't seen in a very, very long time. He took the proffered manila envelope and pulled out the pages it contained. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew his reading glasses, unfolding them and perching them on his nose.

Kel watched the older physician as he read through the document, hoping his friend saw the promise that it contained. He nervously tapped his fingers on his desk waiting for some response from Joe.

Dr. Early folded his glasses back and returned them into the right pocket of his white lab coat. He looked up with a smile adorning his gray framed face. "This is good news, Kel. How long before we'll be able to get some of these?"

"I don't know." Kel took the paper work back from Joe's outstretched hands. "Hopefully in just a few days. I've already ordered an initial supply and I called our local health officer too. It seems the county health department will be receiving a supply as well. At least we'll be able to diagnose sooner without having to wait until a patient is already in the latter stages of the illness."

Dr. Early inhaled deeply; he hated playing the devil's advocate but it seemed that he and Kel were very good at doing that for each other, keeping each other thinking clearly. "But, we still can't help them."

"Oh, I disagree, Joe." Kel looked deep into the eyes of his long-time friend. "While we can't cure them yet, we can make sure they're aware of their status and hopefully prevent further transmission. Not to mention, if we work with them to improve their current state of health, say through nutrition and maybe supplements and lifestyle changes, then they'll be stronger and better able to fight off the opportunistic infections that we've been seeing take the lives of so many of our patients."

"Good point, Kel," Joe grinned. "I'll start ordering the tests as soon they arrive."

"And a couple of weeks later, we can start delivering the news…both good and bad." Kel's mouth twitched as the thought of delivering a death sentence to a patient churned his stomach.

"Yes, that is true. Just imagine the elation that we'll share when someone we know who's had a needle stick or some other exposure gets the relief they desperately need." He couldn't help but chuckle faintly as he once again allowed his positive personality to offset Kel's sometimes negative one. It was just one of many features that made them good friends and even better coworkers.

"You know, this news isn't something that should be given out over the phone or in writing. I think we should only deliver it in person."

"You're probably right, Kel. It's the only way we can ensure that the person who receives the test results is in fact the person who took the test. I don't want to be responsible for breaching confidentiality with something that carries so many consequences." Joe stared down at his hands in his lap.

Neither man needed to voice what they were thinking. Currently, there was so much fear and hostility towards those who were diagnosed with AIDS. Many homosexual men had lost their jobs and even been evicted not because they were infected but because of fears related to the illness and its prevalence within the gay community. Prostitutes, drug addicts and even individuals with bleeding disorders were all being targeted and shunned by others, whether or not they were infected. Both physicians knew that confidentiality, while always extremely important, had now reached a critical level and when blood testing began at Rampart General Hospital they knew that only the strictest confidentiality policy would be acceptable.

E!

By the time school had been in session for a couple of months, Bethany had fallen into a comfortable routine. In spite of her shyness, she had managed to make friends with a few of the girls in her class. They weren't in the popular crowd but she didn't care. To her, cliques were ridiculous and she did her best to avoid them. The only exception was Trey.

According to her new friends, Trey had been popular with a bit of a bad boy reputation. Even though he was the principal's son, that didn't seem to deter him from poor behavior, some of it even criminal. She had heard that Trey had been arrested for drugs and criminal mischief towards the end of the last school year. She assumed that these extracurricular activities had been the reason he'd spent part of his summer working at the school. She also knew that he was now being tested on a regular basis to make sure he remained clean. From what she could tell, he was behaving but a reputation like his was hard to shake off. Now he didn't really seem to belong anywhere. The jocks and other popular kids didn't want to include him in their circles but the unpopular crowds didn't trust him either. He was also repeating the Algebra class he'd failed last semester; which put the two of them in the same classroom for an hour a day.

She continued staring at the Algebra problem she was working on when movement caught the corner of her eye. Looking up, she saw Trey walking to the front of the classroom and retrieving a hall pass. Within a couple of minutes a piercing shrieking sound sent the entire school into organized chaos.

E!

Roy looked down at the place where the needle had been inserted into his vein. Kel withdrew the required amount of blood and then released the tourniquet. He folded up a small square of gauze placing it on top of Roy's skin at the insertion site then withdrew the needle. Roy bent his arm in an attempt to reduce the residual bleeding.

"Ok, we should get the results back in a couple of weeks."

Roy could only nod. He hadn't realized how this simple test was going to affect him but here he sat in Dr. Brackett's office feeling the full weight of his life hanging in the balance. "Uh…thanks."

Kel noted the somber mood of the paramedic. "Roy, this is only for your peace of mind. I'm fully convinced that you have nothing to worry about."

"I know," he began in a soft voice. "It's just that…I don't know…it's really scary. My whole world could change with the results of that test. I…I never realized just how difficult this was going to be."

Kel pursed his lips into a thin line. "Well then, I'm glad you're telling me this. Because if others feel the same way then…then folks who need to be tested may be too afraid of the results to go through with it."

"I guess it's some kind of denial thing or something…but, there's a small part of me that doesn't want to know." Roy blotted the cotton gauze over the place where the needle had been inserted. When it didn't continue bleeding, he saw Dr. Brackett reach out his gloved hand.

"Here, I'll put it in the biohazard container." He accepted the gauze just as there was a loud knock on the door. "Come in."

"Hey, Roy?" Johnny's head was sticking in the doorway. "We gotta run, soon as you're done in here."

Roy stood up quickly looking back at his medical director. "Thanks, Doc. You'll let me know…"

"As soon as the results come back."

"Thanks." Roy tossed over his shoulder as he joined his partner in the corridor. "What've we got?"

"Fire alarm at a high school." Johnny said making the left turn to head through the automatic doors to the place where Roy had left the squad parked.

E!

Forty minutes later, the guys were loading up their equipment preparing to exit the scene. Vince and a few other law enforcement officers were talking with various staff and students.

"Excuse me?"

Johnny turned around at the sound of the meek female voice. "Yea?" Then a look of recognition crossed his face. "Uh…Heeeeyy," he said with a lopsided grin. He remembered her face but couldn't pull her name out of his memory bank.

"You probably don't remember me but you, uh…you rode to the hospital with me after my house burned a few months ago. You all saved my little brother's life too." She twisted her torso in a shy effort to motion to the rest of the crew of station 51.

"You're, you're Peter's sister, right?" He felt horrible for not remembering her name.

She smiled broadly. "Yes, that's right. I'm Bethany…Bethany Carmichael. I…I just wanted to say thank you…to you and all the guys here." She looked around noting that Mike Stoker, the first fireman who had helped her that fateful day, was looking her way.

"You're welcome, Bethany." He was about to ask her how Peter was doing but was cut short.

"Um…I gotta go. But thanks again." She turned and slowly walked over to the place where Mike was standing.

"How are you?" Mike offered.

"Better than the last time you saw me. I'm Bethany Carmichael. You…" She hesitated, not sure how to explain what Mike had done for her that day.

"I remember you." His blue eyes sparkled. One of his favorite parts of the job was being able to see victims get on with their lives; especially the young ones. "You look like you're doing well."

"I am. Peter's doing well too…he's, well…he's not in school right now but he gets his assignments sent to him and he's keeping up." She didn't want to have to explain why Peter wasn't in school and regretted saying as much as she had.

Mike saw the concern on her face and decided to give her a way out. "Well, that's good. He doesn't need to fall or anything and the playground of an elementary school is notorious for causing minor injuries."

Bethany smiled; she neither agreed nor disagreed with his statement. "Well, I just wanted to say, thanks for what you did for me and my family that day."

Mike watched her turn to leave then realized he was letting a golden opportunity escape. "Say, Bethany…uh, any idea who may have pulled the alarm?"

Bethany gulped; she did have an idea but hoped she was wrong. "I was working on my Algebra assignment when it went off." She shook her head from side to side hoping the tall engineer wouldn't push her for information.

"Well, if you think of anything, will you please let somebody know? It's really costly for us to get called out for a prank when there're people who may really need us. We were available to help you and your family that day because we weren't out on some bogus call. I'd hate to think what might have happened if we'd been a few minutes later getting to your house that day."

Bethany looked down at her feet nervously then back up at his piercing blue eyes. She felt her hands trembling at the thought of what could have happened. "If I find out, I'll let someone know."

"That's great, thank you, Bethany." He smiled then turned at the sound of his captain's voice.

"Stoker…ready to roll?"

"Sure, Cap." Mike looked at the hard lines on his superior's face and knew that he was furious about this call.

Bethany turned her attention back to the crowd of students who were filing back inside the building. She saw Trey standing with his head down and arms folded across his chest. He was waiting on her and he didn't look happy.

"I guess you told'em I did it too, huh?" He said without making eye contact.

"What? Trey, no…why would I do that?" Bethany hoped she sounded convincing because truthfully, she was afraid he'd pulled the alarm.

"'Cause everybody else does; even my old man. Last year…yea maybe…but not now…damn it, why can't they leave me alone?" He shuffled from one foot to the other then fell into stride with Bethany as they headed to their next class.

"Maybe 'cause you walked out of the room just before it happened." She said.

"So I had to pee, hell Bethany…that doesn't mean I pulled the alarm!" He was growing frustrated.

"I believe you, Trey. Listen, I told you my house burned right after school got out for summer right?"

"Yea."

"Well, those were the same firemen who responded to my house fire. I just wanted to thank them." She looked over at Trey hoping he understood her explanation. His affirmative nod allowed her to relax a little.

"Let's just try to forget it, ok?" She looked up at him hopefully.

Trey huffed dejectedly. "I'll try."

The two continued on in silence as they entered the hallway and the rest of their day.

E!

Mike climbed into the driver's seat and started the engine. He looked over at his Captain and noticed the man was looking studiously out the side window at the skeleton of a building in the lot across the street from the high school.

"I thought the city would've torn that place down by now." He spoke absently.

"What was that, Cap?" Mike's blue eyes glanced his way as he pulled up to the stop sign preparing to make the left hand turn to return to the station.

Hank placed a shading hand on his brow and looked again at the dilapidated building. It had been damaged during an earthquake while it was being constructed. Rumor was that the owner had run out of money and had never finished it. What remained were five floors of concrete and rebar with obvious cracks running through the walls reminding Hank of wrinkles on an aging face. There was a protective fence around the property with numerous 'No Trespassing' signs and a gate with a chain padlocked on it. But Hank knew from experience that those signs and locks often served as invitations for children with too much time on their hands. "I said I thought the city would've torn that place down by now." He tossed his thumb back over his shoulder in the direction of the property Mike had already passed by.

Mike nodded his agreement as the strap from his helmet waved beneath his chin. "Guess budget cuts have hit them pretty hard too." He offered up as he crossed his right hand over his left making the next turn with the large red engine.

Hank made a mental note to notify his chief with his concerns. The last thing he wanted to do was send his crew into that wreckage to search for a wayward lost boy.

Roy pulled up to the station and flipped on the lights. He and Johnny both checked to make sure traffic was yielding to them as Roy backed the squad into the apparatus bay.

"Hey, Roy?"

"Yea?"

"Did ya see who came up and talked to me while we were at the high school?" Johnny was grinning remembering Bethany's heartfelt words of gratitude.

"No," Roy said with a smirk as he turned the key off in the squad. "Some of us were actually working, Junior."

"Oh, come on…it was a false alarm. Anyway, it was Bethany Carmichael, remember? Peter's sister?" He asked his partner as they both exited the squad and headed for the kitchen.

"Oh, yea. So how's she doing?" Roy asked now that he knew his partner hadn't been flirting with one of the single female teachers.

"Good. Good. I was gonna ask her about Peter but didn't get a chance. She just wanted to thank us for what we did that day." Johnny smiled reaching for the refrigerator door just as Mike and the rest of the crew walked in.

E!

"Richard Owens?"

Richie looked up from his magazine at the sound of his name being called. He met the gaze of the pretty black nurse who held his chart in her hand. He stood up, on knees that were more wobbly than he'd anticipated and returned the magazine to the stand from which he'd retrieved it twenty minutes earlier and followed the nurse down the hallway to the third room on the right.

Wanda Brownlee had been a nurse with the Los Angeles County Board of Health for over fifteen years. The last year had been the most difficult in her years of employment. She had always enjoyed her career as a public health nurse but over the course of the last few months, she'd become frustrated dealing with the stress of the HIV/AIDS epidemic. She'd been surprised by the numbers of individuals who had come through their doors since testing became available. Dedicated to her career and to those whom she served, she'd volunteered to work extra hours to get the testing completed for those who so desperately needed it. Now, before her sat the first person who had tested positive since the testing began. He was just the first of many, she feared, whose life would change drastically with the death sentence she was now charged with giving them.

She took a seat at her desk with her patient sitting beside her, frail knees bouncing rapidly as his boney fingers interlaced; his nervous hands folded in his lap. She opened his chart and looked him in the eyes. "Mr. Owens, I'm very sorry but your test was positive." She knew that getting the information out as quickly as possible was the best way to handle it.

Richie felt the room sway briefly then leaned forward propping his elbows on his knees. He felt the rush of emotions assaulting him in waves of heat that washed over his body. He tried to speak but couldn't find his voice. Sniffling, he rubbed his nose with the back of his hand then pressed the heels of his hands against his sunken eye sockets as he leaned back in his chair.

"Mr. Owens…is there someone I can call for you?" Wanda pushed the box of white tissues in his direction.

Richie shook his head negatively. "No…the…they're all gone." He pulled out a few tissues and blew his nose.

Wanda couldn't help but wonder if he meant his friends and family were deceased or had abandoned him because of the epidemic or his lifestyle. _Probably both, _she mused as a mixture of frustration, anger and pity swirled within her heart.

"Did…did I give it to him or did…did Connie give it to me?"

Wanda understood the question completely. She had been the nurse who'd interviewed him initially when he came in to be tested. She knew that he fell into the risk category of men who have sex with men and he'd also shared with her that his lover had died of AIDS several months ago.

"Mr. Owens, there's no way to know for sure, not yet anyway. Maybe one day we'll be able to answer that question. But remember, regardless of whether Connie got it from you or you were infected by Connie just remember that it wasn't intentional. You loved each other, right?" Her worried dark eyes took in the sight of the mourning man in front of her. She watched him nod affirmatively and then continued. "Then, neither of you did anything to hurt the other. I wish there was something I could say or do that would make this easier for you." She'd already informed him about behavioral changes he'd need to make to lower the likelihood of transmission to others. She'd also counseled him on ways to take care of himself to remain as healthy as possible for as long as possible. Right now, he needed compassion and understanding…and she just wished he wasn't going to leave her office alone. He needed to be with people who loved him and who would look out for him now. Unfortunately, he didn't have anyone in his life…and with the diagnosis she'd just given him, she feared he might not find the emotional support he was going to need in the coming weeks.

"I..uh…thanks for being so…nice to me." His weary eyes looked into her watery ones. "Some folks wouldn't….well, wouldn't have been as kind as you have been. I just wanted you to know."

Wanda felt her eyes moisten. She had always prided herself in her ability to keep an emotional distance between herself and her patients but today…with this hideous disease looming inside the stack of charts on her desk…she couldn't help but feel her heart breaking. Richard Owens could be her brother, husband, son or friend. He represented every person she had ever met and he was hurting. He had no way of knowing that his words to her on this particular day would be emblazoned on her memory for the remainder of her career. He had given her the strength and encouragement to continue when she had felt the most like giving up. She glanced again at the large stack of charts to her right. Each one represented another Richard Owens, another life changed forever, another life soon to be snatched away in its prime; and yet she found the courage and the strength to do whatever she could do to make the situation better for the life attached to each chart.

"Mr. Owens, do you still have my card?" She asked.

"Yea… I do." He wiped his nose as he answered.

"Well, if there's anything I can do for you. Please, give me a call. I might not be able to get to the phone when you call in because I might be with another patient but I will call you back, ok?" Wanda felt her heart breaking again for the young man. "We're trying to start a support group here. May I call you when we get it going? I really think it would help….you wouldn't feel so alone."

He closed his eyes letting her words sink in. "Yea…sure….I'd appreciate that."

"Good, we're just looking for the right person to facilitate the group and then we'll get it started. You are not alone, Mr. Owens." She looked directly into his eyes making sure he heard her.

Richie felt like her ebony eyes were seeing into his soul. He'd never felt more vulnerable and yet here were kind and caring eyes looking back at him. "Thank you." He whispered rising to his feet.

Wanda had a bad feeling in her gut about him leaving when he had little or no emotional support. "You will call me, right?" She waited for him to agree and then gave him one last smile. "I promise, as soon as we can get the group together, I will call you."

Wanda followed her patient as he slowly made his way towards the waiting room somehow managing to dry up his tears. She watched him pull open the door and as he stepped through it and into what remained of the rest of his life, he tossed her a final comment over his shoulder.

"Thank you, Mrs. Brownlee."

E!

Three weeks later, Mike arrived early for shift and did a double take as he walked into the kitchen. There in the day room was a five foot tall Christmas tree fully decorated with what looked like wrapped Christmas presents underneath. "Huh," he said out loud as he reached for the coffee pot to begin brewing the first pot of the morning. He had noted that 'C' shift was out on a run when he arrived and figured they'd need some fresh coffee when they returned. He heard footsteps and turned around placing the coffee pot on the stove in the process.

"Hey, Cap…who did that?" He asked Hank as both sets of eyes moved in the direction of the tree.

"I dunno…guess either 'B' or 'C'. It sure wasn't us." He said with a slight smirk on his face.

A short time later, the rest of 'A' shift wandered in one by one with DeSoto being the last to arrive; an unusual occurrence that had been happening with more frequency lately. By the time roll call ended, 'C' shift had returned and subsequently left again leaving the engine to be cleaned up and the squad needing to be restocked. However, before he left, the engineer for 'C' shift decided he needed a cup of coffee.

"Thanks for the coffee." The engineer nodded to Mike who was working on cleaning up the day room as he'd been assigned to do during roll call.

"No problem…figured you might need it." Mike stood up a little straighter leaning slightly against the top of the broom beneath his folded hands. "Say…you guys put up the tree?"

"Nope," the other man said over the rim of his cup. "But, it's here in honor of your paramedics."

"Gage and DeSoto?" Mike asked quizzically.

"Yep…they are your paramedics, right?" The other man laughed. "Seems one of their patient's wanted to do a little something nice for them."

"Who?" Mike asked in a voice that sounded as if he didn't believe the information he was hearing.

"A Mrs. Janice Coston brought it by and she and her son Desmond, decorated it before they left." He let out a soft chuckle. "Dwyer thought it looked a little empty so we wrapped up a few empty boxes to put underneath." He shook his head pouring out the last few sips of his morning wake-up brew. "Two of 'em are empty macaroni and cheese boxes that we used for dinner last night, the round one is an empty coffee can and the big one is the box that my new boots came in."

Mike smiled and resumed his sweeping. "Clever."

After a very busy day of minor runs and a Marco Lopez special of tacos, the men sat around the television set trying to decide on a movie for the night.

"It's a classic! What's wrong with a classic?" Marco questioned his younger partner.

"It's dull, man. No action, no car chases, no shootouts, no…"

"Chet, Marco's right. It is a classic and I think we get enough action when those tones go off, ok Pal?" Hank stepped in defending Marco's choice of a movie.

"Ok, sure…we got a tree and all so why not?" Chet rolled his eyes as he turned back around to change the channel making sure his captain couldn't see his face.

As the opening credits of 'It's A Wonderful Life' began to flash across the screen, Hank couldn't help but notice that Johnny was staring at the blinking lights of the Christmas tree, a faraway look in his eyes. He saw the smiles the tree had brought to his paramedics faces and couldn't help but notice that both had seemed to become somber the more they looked at it. He had no idea why but he intended to find out because whatever affected his men affected him just as strongly.

Roy walked in from the shower wearing a fresh uniform. The remains of a toddler's lunch washed off his neck and out of his hair; the result of a near-choking in a grocery store where the two had been buying the needed items for Marco's dinner preparations. "So, what're we watching?"

"A classic, Roy." Chet offered; his voice laced with a little more sarcasm than he'd intended.

Roy glanced at the screen and immediately recognized the images he saw. "Oh, yea…I remember watching this when I was a kid." He smiled leaning back in his chair.

Suddenly, as if he'd heard a loud noise, Johnny seemed to spring to life. "Uh…maybe there's something else on…I mean, this is kind of a sappy chick flick and…" He saw all eyes staring at him and gulped.

Only one man in the room understood why he was reacting the way he was and that man grabbed his elbow and ushered him into the bay on the far side of the engine; and far away from Chet's ears.

"Look," Roy began. "I know you're just trying to avoid the movie for my sake but, I'm fine, Junior." He looked into the dark eyes of his partner and answered the unspoken question those expressive eyes held. "No matter what the test shows, I'm not gonna do anything, ok?"

Johnny lowered his head nodding. "Yea, 'k."

Roy could tell that something else was bothering his junior partner. "Johnny…it's not the movie that's bugging you is it?"

Johnny looked back up and parked a hand on his hip while the other briefly rubbed his nose before he responded. "I…yea, Roy…yea, it is the movie…partly 'cause I didn't want ya to think about that kinda thing but…"

Roy noticed his hesitation and he knew that it wasn't just the suicidal ideation experienced by the main character in the movie that had Johnny rattled; and he thought that perhaps Johnny had been thinking the same thing that he had been thinking while he was taking his shower. "Johnny…is it the tree?"

Johnny closed his eyes then, fully knowing that his partner was having the same worries he was having. He looked to the side as he spoke. "Ya think…ya think she did this 'cause, well 'cause Dez may not have another Christmas?"

Unknowingly, Johnny had just confirmed what Roy was also fearing. "It happened to Peter so it could happen to Desmond too. Is that what you're thinking?" He watched Johnny look down nodding his head. "I thought about it too. He gets transfusions fairly often so I know what you're thinking."

"You think maybe he's been tested and she knows he's dying from it?"

"Johnny…don't. We don't know if he's even been tested and we sure don't know if he's HIV positive. Don't borrow worries from tomorrow."

Johnny shrugged his shoulders. "When will you know for sure?"

Roy hesitated, clearing his throat before he continued. "One day this week."

"Want me to go with you?" Johnny asked.

Roy's blue eyes looked at his partner and saw the pain on his face. "No, I appreciate the offer but…I really want to just be alone when I find out. I," he began, placing a hand on his partner's shoulder and squeezing. "I promise you, John Roderick Gage." He waited for Johnny to make eye contact with him. "I will not, under any circumstance, harm myself…ever." He felt the tension melt away from his best friend's shoulder muscles as they relaxed beneath Roy's grip. Then, in a move that at that moment, neither man would have been ashamed of someone else seeing, they embraced briefly in a masculine sort of hug.

"Now," Roy said relinquishing the quick contact. "Let's go watch the movie…and enjoy it with the reflection of the Coston's Christmas tree blinking across the screen."

Johnny couldn't find his voice; overwhelmed by the emotions swirling inside his head. He pressed his lips in a thin line then allowed it to morph into a smile as Roy added in a whispered chuckle.

"And…make hot chocolate for the guys….with a few drops of hot sauce in Chet's cup."

E!

A/N: HIV testing was not available until 1985 so please note that this chapter is not historically accurate.

**It's A Wonderful Life** – movie produced and directed by Frank Capra in 1946 based on the short story **The Greatest Gift** written in 1939 by Phillip Van Doren Stern.


	32. Chapter 32

Humanity Is Vulnerable – 32e

Roy looked at the calendar in Hank's office as Christmas music played in his ear. _Three days 'til Christmas. _He couldn't stop the emotions that had been swimming around in his head and heart; he'd come very close to missing this holiday season with his family because of his actions six months ago. Now, as he waited on hold for Dr. Brackett he hoped that he wasn't about to be given the news that this Christmas might be his last. Each beat of the music seemed to match the pounding of his heart and the sound of blood rushing in his ears. His mouth went dry and his thighs began to tremble while sweat beads popped up on his forehead and upper lip. He leaned forward resting his forehead in the palm of his hand while the music continued to play festively. Startled when it abruptly ended, he gulped and sat up straighter in the chair.

"This is Dr. Brackett."

"Uh, Doc…it's Roy DeSoto. Um, Cap said you wanted me to call you." He forced the words out of his mouth and tried to lick his lips with his nearly dry tongue.

"Roy, thanks for calling me back so quickly. I wouldn't normally do this by phone but I know you need the information and I know you personally so I have no doubt I'm talking to the right person." Kel was smiling on the other end of the line but he had no idea how difficult he was making this for his patient who now sat alone waiting to find out the results of his blood test.

"Uh, ok." Roy squeezed his eyes closed biting his lower lip between his teeth.

"Roy, it's just like I thought. Your test came back negative."

Roy felt the weight of the world suddenly lifted from his shoulders. He released his breath in a rush of air and used the heel of his hand to swipe at his eyes. "Oh…uh…thanks, Dr. Brackett. I…I'm.."

"Hey, just call Joanne and let her know everything's alright." He could hear the relief in Roy's ragged voice. "And Roy…I hope you have a Merry Christmas."

"Th…Thanks, Doc. I…we will. We sure will. And, I hope you do too. I…uh…I really appreciate this." He stammered as the news sank in.

"You're welcome. See ya later, Roy."

"Yea…see ya." Roy's hands were shaking as he replaced the receiver to the cradle of the phone. He stared at it for a few moments then picked it up again dialing his home phone number.

Joanne was just returning from the post office when she heard the phone ringing. She hurriedly turned the key in the locking mechanism and then rushed to the phone. Her senses were always on heightened alert when Roy was on shift. Every time the phone rang she knew it could be someone calling to inform her that he'd been injured.

"Hello?" She said breathlessly.

"Honey," he began trying to steady his voice.

Joanne immediately noticed the strain in his soft voice which sent her into panic mode. "Roy…is something wrong?" She stood in the kitchen with a white knuckle grip on the phone and her free arm wrapped protectively around her midsection.

"No…no baby…everything's alright." Roy had finally found his voice. He cleared his throat before he continued. "Ahem, I talked to Dr. Brackett just a minute ago and my test is neg…ative." He suddenly found himself overwhelmed by emotions.

"Oh, Roy…that's great! Just like he thought, there's nothing to worry about." She smiled inwardly, leaning against the counter top. "Um…is there?"

"No…nothing. I just love you so much, sweetheart. Thank you for…for not…uh…"

"Stop it, Roy." She admonished through her tears. "I made the mistake of leaving. So it's me who should be thanking you for taking me back."

"Nu-uh, Joanne…it's…" He heaved a heavy sigh. So much had happened in the last few months. "Let's just…"

"Celebrate when you get home." She interrupted. "And I know how I want to celebrate."

Her seductive voice caught him off guard but then a smile crossed his face as he realized what she meant. "Sounds good to me. I, uh…better go. I'll see you in the morning, Jo. I love you."

"Love you too." She smiled hanging up the phone. Pushing her wobbly legs up the stairs to their bedroom, she opened the drawer of the nightstand on Roy's side of the bed. She removed the small black box then sat down on their bed, allowing her pent up emotions to finally be released. She'd never told Roy how concerned she'd been about the possibility that he, and subsequently they, might be infected with HIV. He was beginning to return to his old self and she didn't want to be the cause of a setback for him. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed; her tears falling into her lap and onto the box of condoms she now held. After several minutes of shedding the cleansing tears, she finally stood up and walked into their bathroom. She dropped the black box into the trash can and pulled some tissue from the roll to blow her nose. Dropping the crumpled tissue into the toilet, she flushed it and watched as the water and tissue swirled around the bowl and then disappeared. A genuine smile crossed her face when she realized that she'd just symbolically flushed away her fears and worries. The DeSoto's were going to be fine. They'd weathered the storm and had come through it stronger for the experience.

E!

Johnny leaned against the hood of the squad waiting for his partner to emerge from the captain's office. Hank had called out to Roy just as they'd returned from a series of non-transporting runs and he'd seen the look on his partner's face when he'd received the message to call Dr. Brackett. Both paramedics knew what the call was about. Hank had simply made his way into the kitchen to warm up his afternoon cup of coffee thinking that the call was related to a patient. Johnny knew that the call was most likely Roy's test results and he felt the nervousness that Roy was no doubt feeling, only for Roy it was much worse. He wandered around to the front of the squad where he leaned his lanky body against the hood. He crossed his arms and his ankles while he stared down at his feet waiting for the news that Roy would share with him momentarily. He just hoped that his heart rate would slow down soon…just in case Roy needed him in the next few minutes.

Moments later he heard the door opening and frightened brown eyes met relieved blue ones and the two shared a knowing smile. Roy shook his head slightly from side to side and mouthed the word 'negative' to his younger partner. He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a shimmer in Johnny's eyes. He stepped closer to Johnny and blew out a breath that puffed out his cheeks. Johnny reached an arm around his partner's shoulders.

"That's…ah…that's great man!"

Roy nodded his agreement as the duo headed to the kitchen.

E!

_Knock knock knock_

"I got it, Mom!" Bethany called out hurrying down the hall of the small apartment. She finished putting the back on her earring before opening the door.

"Hi."

"Hi, Trey…come on in. Mom wants to meet you before we leave," she said with both a smile and an eye roll.

Trey followed her down the hallway and into the first bedroom. It was small and was obviously decorated for a young boy. Star Wars curtains and bedspread for the twin bed gave it a bit of a dark feel but that was offset by the gray painted headboard and matching desk. Various action figures were scattered around including Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader and a couple of storm troopers. Trey smiled at the pale child who was propped up in bed working on some simple math problems.

Trey already knew that Bethany's younger brother was being home schooled because of his poor health. She had informed him that Peter had hemophilia but she had not yet revealed that he also had another illness; one that was ultimately the reason he was not in school and that would take his life at some point. Bethany wished she could tell him the truth but she also knew that he might never speak to her again and even worse, he might tell his father which could result in her being harassed or even possibly forced to leave her current high school. Her mother had felt it best not to reveal Peter's illness to very many people because of the potential consequences. She had heard the horror stories of others who'd been evicted because a family member had AIDS and she didn't want her children to endure such hatred. All Peter knew was that they'd moved because of the fire so he and Bethany were to attend a different school. However, since he didn't feel well, his new school teacher had allowed him to stay at home as long as he kept up his school work. His mother had found a job working the evening shift at a local diner so that she could stay with him during the day while Bethany was at school. Then Bethany took care of him until her mother got home late at night. It was an arrangement that suited him just fine. Tonight was a night that his mother didn't have to work so she'd allowed Bethany to attend a Christmas party at a friend's house. She'd also allowed him to sleep late this morning which left him working on some math problems now. Even though school was out for the holidays, he didn't always get his assignments completed because he was tired. So, he was catching up tonight.

"Mom," Bethany said as she and Trey entered the bedroom. "This is Trey…Trey, this is my mom Rachael."

Trey held out his hand. "Hello, Ms. Carmichael. I'm glad to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Trey." She said shaking the young man's hand. "You two be careful."

"Yes, Ma'am. We will, I promise." He said then turned his attention to Peter. "And you must be Peter."

Peter looked up briefly and smiled holding out his hand much like his mother had done. "Yea…nice to meet ya."

Trey smiled returning his hands to the back pockets of his Levi's jeans. "I love Star Wars."

Peter's eyebrows rose up into his bangs. "Ya do?"

"Oh yea…my favorite character is Han Solo." Trey said with a grin.

"Mine too! I'm hoping I get action figures of Han and Chewbacca for Christmas." He said with a sparkle in his eyes to his new found friend.

"Ready?"

Trey turned to face Bethany at the sound of her voice. "Oh, yea sure." He turned and stepped toward the bedroom door. "Nice to meet you Ms. Carmichael and Peter. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too." Rachael called after them.

"Bye." Peter's small voice echoed down the hallway.

Trey and Bethany walked hand in hand to the corner where they'd planned to catch a bus to the party. They sat side by side on the bench snuggling as the cool wind blew. It wasn't uncomfortably cold but did give them both a reason to sit a little closer together.

"Peter's a great kid."

"Yea…he is." Bethany said wistfully. "Please don't tell him but Mom did get him the action figures he's wanting for Christmas."

"Good…that'll make him happy." Trey said stretching his arm around her and pulling her into his side just as the bus rounded the corner.

The bus ride took them past their school which looked eerily vacant in the shadows of the early evening. Neither of them was accustomed to seeing it at night with no lights on inside the building. Just as they passed by it, Trey spoke up.

"Hey, have you heard who might've pulled the alarm that day?"

Bethany shook her head. "No…whoever did it sure isn't talking." She waited a beat before she continued. "So…are you still being blamed for it?"

"I don't know. I think my Dad is beginning to believe me." He shifted in his seat looking directly at her. "Bethany, I swear…it wasn't me."

"I believe you." Her smile brightened her face as the bus began slowing down and finally stopped at the corner.

"Let's go." He said reaching back for her hand and smiling when he felt the soft touch of their fingers intertwining.

E!

Roy's slumber was more restful than any he'd experienced since before his accident nearly a year ago. Suddenly, it was interrupted by the lights turning on and the sound of the klaxons calling out the squad.

_Squad 51…child with difficulty breathing….3645 Palmetto Lane…apartment C-4…that's 3-6-4-5 Palmetto Lane…apartment C-4…cross street…Redwood. Time out…02:17._

Chet groaned as he rolled over pulling his blanket over his mussed up curly hair. Roy was the first to pull on his bunker pants and head across the bay to acknowledge the call while Johnny groggily pulled on his suspenders slapping the dorm room light off as he headed for the squad.

"Squad 51, KMG-365." Roy answered tearing off the slip of white paper with the address written on it. He handed it to Johnny although neither man needed it. They'd both recognized the address immediately and both their hearts had gotten caught up in their throats. Johnny flipped on the red lights and siren as Roy exited the station on their way to do whatever they could for one special little boy.

The trip was short and Johnny stepped out before Roy had completely stopped the squad. He immediately opened the compartments pulling out the oxygen and biophone while Roy followed closely behind him with the rest of their equipment. They were met at the top of the stairs by a familiar but very worried ebony face.

"Thank you for coming so quickly. It's really bad this time." She led them to the bedroom where Desmond lay curled up clutching at his chest with his comforter twisted tightly within his grip.

"Hey, Pally. Havin' a rough night, huh?" Johnny said kneeling beside the bed and pulling the oxygen mask over the young boy's face. "A'right…now, you know the routine…gotta let go of this and lie back so I can open up your pajama top and listen to you breathe."

Desmond acquiesced, releasing his death grip on the blue and red comforter and allowing his favorite paramedic to roll him over onto his back. His dark eyes opened briefly and Johnny saw a lot of pain in those young black orbs. He quickly began to check his vitals while in the background his partner contacted Rampart.

"Rampart this is squad 51…how do you read?" While he waited for an answer he opened up the drug box and began to remove the supplies both he and Johnny knew they would need. Desmond Coston was in a sickle cell crisis and they knew he'd need fluids and based on his face, Roy knew he'd be requesting something for pain as well.

"A'right…you're doin' great, Dez. Just keep breathing in this good oxygen while we get your medicine ready. Then we'll take another ride to the hospital; how's that sound?" He passed his note pad to Roy who then read off the vitals to Dr. Morton. "Ya know…that's one amazing Christmas tree you and your mom gave us. We love it! Thank you, both of you."

Janice felt a blush reach her cheeks. She had simply wanted to thank the men for all they'd done for Desmond…and for her. "You're welcome. It was the least we could do. Um, I'm going to go put my clothes on for the trip to the hospital." Janice said pulling her robe a little tighter around her throat.

"Ah…will you wait for the ambulance crew to get here first?" Roy asked.

"Oh, sure, of course," she replied stepping out of the room and heading to the door knowing the Mayfair attendants wouldn't be far behind the squad.

Roy moved over and began running a soothing hand over the forehead of their young patient while Johnny started the IV and administered the analgesic. "You're one of our best patients, Dez." He soothed running his fingers along the young boy's lower lashes to remove the moisture pooled there from the pain. "Alright, big stick." Roy winced as Johnny inserted the needle, happy to see the flashback. "Atta, boy…ok, he's gonna tape it down and then get you some medicine in your vein to help with the pain."

Desmond nodded staring into the deep blue eyes so close to his face. Over the months, he'd grown to trust this particular set of blue eyes…and a few others. "Wi…will Nurse Dixie…be there?" He asked in a soft strained voice.

Roy glanced at his partner then cut his eyes back down to Desmond. "I believe it's her shift to work nights but if she isn't there when you get there…she'll be there soon." He smiled down at their young charge whose breathing was beginning to slow down slightly as his eyes became glassy; the analgesic doing its job. "Hey," he whispered to the quickly relaxing boy. "I think she's pretty too." Roy's face reflected the smile he saw on Desmond's smaller features as the young boy agreed with him.

"They're here." Janice announced entering the small room. The attendants remained in the living room since the bedroom was small and crowded with all the people in it. Janice watched as Roy cradled Desmond in his strong arms and she lightly kissed his forehead when they passed by her. "I'll be right behind you, Dez."

Johnny followed keeping the IV bag elevated and rolling the oxygen tank behind them. Roy laid the child down on the stretcher then covered him with a blanket. Once he was buckled in, he returned to the bedroom to retrieve their equipment then followed them down the stairs.

Johnny continued to monitor Desmond as the ambulance weaved through nearly empty streets on its way to the emergency entrance at Rampart General Hospital. Behind him, he could see the lights of the squad and knew his partner was close behind him. Desmond's eyes drifted open and he looked up at the dark haired paramedic. "I'm not…afraid."

Johnny was taken aback by the child's statement. He felt his gut tighten as his brain told him that Desmond was letting him know that he wasn't afraid of dying. He pasted on his brave face with the lopsided grin. "I know you're not, Dez. You're one of the bravest guys I know." He looked down at the dark features of the child in contrast to the bright white sheet he was lying on.

"Not all….blue eyes…..hurt." He mumbled into the oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. "So, I'm not…afraid of 'em."

Johnny's heart melted. Children's hearts were so forgiving; he couldn't help but wonder why adult hearts seemed to harden so much that forgiveness and acceptance had a difficult time piercing them. But, then he thought about all his blue-eyed friends and realized that they had helped Desmond learn that it wasn't fair to judge one person because of something that another person had done. _There're a lot of folks who need some of your wisdom, kid. _

Janice Coston followed the squad in the direction of Rampart. This was their fourth trip to Rampart since they'd moved to Los Angeles over a year ago. Her cheeks dampened as her tears spilled over from her dark weary eyes. It had been nearly a week since Dr. Early had ordered the blood test and now she both hated and longed for the results. Was this really the result of his sickle cell disease or was it something much more sinister? "Dear God," she prayed out loud alone in her car guided by the red flashing lights along the asphalt ribbon that led to Rampart General Hospital. "Please hear my prayer. My loving husband is already with You so please…," her voice cracked. "Please let Dez stay with me a little longer."

E!

"Man, I'm glad the rest of the night was quiet." With only an undershirt covering his chest, Johnny stood in the locker room pulling his street clothes out of his locker.

"Yea, I know…I'm ready to get home and see what Joanne's got cooked up for us." Roy smiled inwardly at the double meaning of his phrase.

Johnny tucked in his shirt then fastened his jeans and belt. He thought for a moment that Roy might invite him over for breakfast; something he looked forward to when the invitation presented itself. He packed up his duffle bag in silence then turned to his partner. "Uh…wanna go by the hospital for a visit with me?"

Roy looked over at his younger partner. "Who?" But before Johnny had a chance to answer, Roy answered his own question. "Awww…Johnny." He couldn't stop his grimace. "You know we're not supposed…"

Johnny held up his hand to interrupt Roy's impending rebuke. "I know…but look me in the eyes and tell me Dez hasn't gotten inside your heart too."

Blue eyes locked with brown eyes for several beats until the blue ones broke away first. "I can't say it, Johnny…but…I just can't go see him this morning."

Johnny saw the pain in Roy's face then mentally kicked his own ass. "Look…I'm sorry…I didn't think about you just getting your results back yesterday. I know it…it's still too fresh, huh?"

"Something like that…I guess." Roy turned back to his locker and finished packing his dirty uniforms into his bag for the trip home.

"I understand, man. I really do. Go home and enjoy your breakfast with your family. You have a lot to celebrate." He flashed his trademark grin then pushed open the door headed for his rover. "I'll call you later and let ya know how he's doin'." He tossed over his shoulder as Roy followed him out the door.

E!

Roy walked up to the front door of the DeSoto residence expecting to hear various noises coming from within. The quietness was a bit worrisome. He reached for the door knob and crashed into the wooden door. _Locked? What the hell? _He glanced down at his left wrist noting the time then caught a glimpse of their family sedan parked in the garage. His face reddened as a mischievous grin spread across his features. It was the signal he hadn't received in several months…but he hadn't forgotten the meaning behind the locked door when he came off shift. Using his keys, he unlocked the door and walked inside. There on the counter was a vase of red roses sitting on the edge of a piece of paper. He recognized her handwriting and dropped his duffle bag at his feet. His eyes scanned the paper but his brain interpreted it using her soft voice whispering in his ear.

_Roy,_

_The kids are going skating with the Oliver twins and won't be home until after lunch. I love you more today than I did yesterday and I'll love you more tomorrow than I do today. _

_Love you always and forever,_

_Joanne_

Roy headed quickly for the stairs unbuttoning his shirt as he made his way to the bedroom door. He quietly opened it to see the love of his life lying on her side facing him, her elbow propping up her head. His eyes noted her red painted toenails peeking out from beneath the hem of her white robe. His smile widened as he licked his lips allowing his eyes to continue feasting upon her form. The sash of her robe accentuated her small waist drawing his eyes upward to the valley between her breasts. His breathing quickened and a familiar heat began coursing through his groin as he saw her silky neck shifting as she lay back against the pillows. Finally, his eyes roamed across her sultry lips coming to rest on her Irish green eyes; eyes that held nothing but love and desire for him. He shifted his weight searching for a position that might offer some momentary comfort for his tightening jeans.

"Uh," his voice raspy with pent up need. "God, Jo…you are so beautiful….um, please…hold that thought while I get a shower." He hurriedly stripped down naked never losing eye contact with her, leaving his disheveled clothing in a messy heap near their bathroom door.

"Make sure it's a hot one," she said softly, sucking her lower lip between her teeth while allowing her own eyes to wander down the length of his lean body and then back up to his quickly dilating pupils.

"Love you." He mouthed to her then hurriedly headed for the fastest shower of his life.

E!

Johnny parked his rover and headed through the familiar emergency entrance. He made the right turn in the corridor, quickly eyeing Dixie on her perch behind the nurse's station. "Hey, Dix."

"Well, what's got you here on your day off?" Her blue eyes sparkled. "Wait….I saw the census…he's in room 304."

Johnny tried to smile but it didn't make it to his expressive eyes. "Ah, thanks Dixie." He turned to leave then stopped spinning around to ask her how Desmond was doing when the base station suddenly came to life. She hopped off her stool as Johnny gave her a nod and backed away from the nurse's station. He pushed the up button on the elevator startled when the metal doors opened up immediately. He stepped inside and pressed the button for the third floor then quickly changed his mind. He pressed the button to open the doors and rushed passed a very confused Dixie who was taking notes for Dr. Morton.

E!

Roy finished up his grooming routine and stepped out of the bathroom and over to the place where Joanne lay waiting for him. They're eyes met briefly, neither needing to say what they were both feeling. Roy ran the back of his hand down her cheek and jawline as she walked her fingers up his arms and across his chest. As if by some mutually agreed upon signal, they quickly closed the gap between them as their mouths greedily met, lips parted and tongues danced to their own rhythm. Roy fumbled with the sash of her robe revealing its precious contents. His hands roamed over the lingerie she had chosen as Joanne arched her graceful neck in invitation. His body responded, his blood rapidly pooling in his groin as he stretched out beside her. Her touch kindled the fire that was quickly consuming him. Joanne felt it too, that same fire glowing within her and she encouraged him through her raspy moans of pleasure. He knew her sweet spots and he was doing everything he could to set them all ablaze simultaneously.

"Oh God, Roy…I've needed this for…so long…aarrgh!" She arched her back opening up to him as he prepared to enter her for the first time in many weeks without a barrier between them.

"Baby…I…guunnh!" He lost his ability to speak as her slick hot womanhood enveloped his length completely. He could feel her fingers digging into the back of his head as her arms pulled him tightly against her naked breasts. And he held her tightly in his embrace burying his face into her silky hair at the crook of her neck….both savoring the intimacy they'd been denied for too long.

E!

Johnny held the small red bag with the black and yellow ribbons tied to it. Attached to the ribbons were two 'Get Well Soon' balloons and inside was a surprise sure to light up the eyes of the recipient. He waited for the metal doors to open on the third floor then briskly walked to room #304. He gave the door three light raps in rapid succession and waited for permission to enter.

"Come in."

Johnny pushed open the door pulling the gift bag behind him. "Hey there, Dez. How ya feelin'?"

"Johnny!" Desmond's eyes lit up but his weakness was still evident.

"Well, how nice of you to come visit!" Janice said patting Dez's hand. "He's perking up a bit." She smiled glancing down at the small form in the bed.

"I brought you somethin'." He said pulling the gift bag from behind his back.

"Johnny, how kind of you. You didn't have to do this." She said admiring the package.

"I wanted to…this is one special kid you've got here." He smiled.

"He sure is." She said, running her long fingers across Desmond's forehead while Johnny stepped to the other side of the bed, dropping the gift bag into eager hands.

E!

Twenty minutes later, Johnny walked with his usual swagger down the corridor leaving behind a very happy Dez playing with his Hot Wheels fire truck and squad with his balloons tied to his bedrails. Johnny made his way to the bank of pay phones and fished in his pocket until he found enough money to make the call he had promised.

E!

Joanne had just climaxed for the second time and was wrapped in Roy's tight embrace trying to catch her breath. She had heard stories of hearing fireworks and bells ringing during an orgasm but never a ringing telephone. "Come on….come for me, Roy." She pleaded stroking his back lightly with her fingernails as she kissed him just behind his left ear in the spot she knew would send him over the edge. She felt him thrust twice more and then his body went rigid as he groaned through his orgasm that left him breathless and his cock twitching inside of her. He was still moaning softly into her ear when she heard the ringing again. He lifted himself off of her allowing his wilting erection to slip free and looked into her face with the look of a fully satiated man…then he heard it too. His eyebrows knitted together then relaxed into an eye roll. "Aww, damn it, Junior!" He yelled towards the silent phone on the nightstand. Joanne had thought to turn off the ringer in the bedroom but not the one in the kitchen.

She chuckled at her husband's antics. "Now what makes you think it's Johnny?"

"Because," he began completely breathless. "He's like…having a third kid… around whenever we're trying…to enjoy ourselves." He reached across her and picked up the receiver. "He…hello?"

"Hey, R…uh Roy? You ok, man?"

"I was doing…fantastic…'til now." He continued his heavy breathing into the receiver.

"Um…you need help, Pally?"

"No, Junior….I got this…myself." Roy's frustration was evident in his voice. "Jo's helping me." He smiled down at her, a gesture that caused her to snicker rather loudly, waiting for his partner to understand what he'd interrupted.

"Well, if you're sure but I don't mind….Oh..OH! Uh…shit man, I'm sorry…I just wanted to uh…I'll let you get back to what you were doin' so…uh, damn…um, yea…I'll call back later so…I mean, you…you call me back after you…fuck…uh…bye." He slammed down the pay phone, closing his eyes and shaking his dark hair from side to side realizing the irony of his last few words and looking around to make sure no one had heard his expletives.

Joanne burst out into hysterical laughter pulling Roy's face down to meet hers. She'd heard every word Johnny had stuttered and couldn't stop her giggles. Roy hung up the phone enjoying the sounds of her laughter then looked back into her hooded emerald eyes. He leaned down kissing her lightly along her jawline. "Well, you heard the man…let's get back to what we were doing," his whispered breath tickling her ear.

"Uh-huh…you can call him back after we fu…uummm." Her words were cut off by Roy's hot mouth covering hers as they picked up where they'd left off to answer Johnny's call.

E!

Richie spun the ring Connie had given him around on his finger. It had only been six months since Connie's death but already the ring was too loose to wear. He stared at it one last time then allowed it to slide off his finger onto his coffee table. He pulled out the gold chain he'd recently purchased and opened the clasp, threading the gold band onto the box chain and clasping it back around his neck. He needed to talk to Connie and he didn't want to go to the cemetery without wearing his ring; the ring Connie had placed on his finger when they'd spoken their vows to each other in a private moment shared only by the two of them. His eyes yielded tears as he pondered the whereabouts of the matching gold band; the one he'd purchased for Connie. He knew, in the deepest corners of his heart, that Connie's parents had likely thrown it away or perhaps pawned it. To them, it was a symbol of something they couldn't understand, something to be abhorred. But to Richie, it was the symbol of everlasting love and commitment. He tucked the necklace inside his sweatshirt then donned his jacket, grabbed the plastic container of flowers and headed for the cemetery.

E!

"Sorry I have to be home so early."

Trey shrugged his shoulders then looked down into Bethany's forlorn face. "Bethie…I understand. You're mom has to work and Peter's too young to be left alone." A light breeze blew strands of strawberry blonde hair across her pretty features. Trey reached out and tucked the stray strands neatly behind her ear. He lowered his face to hers and kissed her lightly on her soft lips.

Bethany slowly opened her eyes. She couldn't believe that she'd just experienced her first kiss and it was on New Year's Eve…and with such a wonderful guy. The mid-afternoon sun was shining into her eyes and Trey shifted slightly to shield her face from the uncomfortable brightness. She smiled looking up into his handsome face.

"I have an idea of how we can celebrate the New Year?"

She knitted her eyebrows together in confusion. "How? It's too early."

"A picnic…in a place where we can be alone." He cocked his head sideways looking deep into her eyes…and saw her countenance change immediately. "Oh…no,no,no…I didn't mean it like that."

"Well…how DID you mean it?" She was suddenly a little uneasy but then felt a bit of relief when she saw the bus make the turn at the corner and head in their direction.

"Bethie…I…I really like spending time with you and…we always seem to be with a bunch of people and…I'd just like to go someplace where we can just…sit and…talk." He looked up at the sound of the approaching bus. He paid their fee and they took a seat near the rear of the long vehicle. Once the bus was moving again, he found the courage to speak. "Please, Bethie…please trust me?"

Bethany saw the hurt in his eyes. She thought back to the night of the Christmas party. He had allowed himself a brief moment of vulnerability when he shared how he felt when he realized his former friends no longer trusted him because he had changed his delinquent behaviors. And how lost he felt that his parents still didn't trust him either. He had voiced to her how he knew it would take time to earn that trust back but that knowledge didn't resolve the hurt. Now here he was asking her to trust him. He hadn't done anything to cause her not to trust him…but, trust was a difficult thing for her. She'd trusted her mother to love her unconditionally…but at times, she made Bethany feel unloved. She'd trusted the faculty of the elementary school she'd attended as a small child…but a few years later, that same faculty had rejected her younger brother because of their fear of his diagnosis. She'd trusted the medical staff at The Children's Hospital who had treated Peter with what they called 'life-saving measures'…only to find out later that the so called life-saving blood was tainted with a fatal virus that had no cure. No, trust was not something she took lightly…but now the young man standing before her needed to feel trust-worthy; and she knew that it was within her power to provide that for him.

Trey felt the warmth of her hand as she wrapped her small hand partially around his larger one.

"A picnic in a private place…sounds great."

E!

Hank sat briefly on the tailboard of the engine watching his two paramedics teaming up against his two linemen in a friendly game of basketball. The blur of blues and the sound of the steady dribble of the rubber ball on the concrete behind the station nearly drowned out the sound of the ringing phone. He stood up just as the sound cut off in mid-ring and Hank knew his engineer, who had been busy with dinner preparations, had answered it.

"Ah-ah…double dribble, Kelly!"

"That's not a double dribble, Gage! Do you even know what a double dribble is?" The shortest man on the make shift court asked as he stood holding the brown ball propped on his right hip.

Hank felt like he was watching a group of school boys. He stretched his lean body then turned as Mike called out to him.

"Hey, Cap? Phone call. It's HQ." Mike called out just as Johnny began his retort at Chet with a smirk on his sweaty face.

"Yea…you dribbled…you stopped…you dribbled again," Johnny said counting each comment by holding up a finger.

"He's right, Chet." Marco grimaced at his now very frustrated partner. "You gave up your dribble. You should've passed me the ball."

Meanwhile, Roy sneaked up behind Chet and punched the ball out of his possession and straight into the waiting hands of Johnny. With a quick spinning jump shot, the younger paramedic scored two points leaving a grumbling Chet swearing to himself.

Hank walked into the captain's office and punched the blinking light on the phone at his desk. "Captain Hank Stanley."

Hank leaned forward in his desk as a sincere smile overtook his face. His emotions were welling up inside him and they were bittersweet. He knew this day was inevitable but that didn't make it any easier to swallow. "Thank you. I sure will…..and Happy New Year to you too."

Hank hung up the phone and blew out his breath. His heart was both swelling and breaking at the same time as he opened the door of his office and took in the sight of the squad parked where Roy had left it, waiting for their next call. He stuck both hands in his pockets while he listened to the sounds of his crew bantering behind the station. He even heard the normally quiet Mike Stoker tossing his opinion onto the court.

"Chet…that's cheating!"

"Since when do you take up for the medics, Stoker? You were a lineman once too, ya know!"

"Hey…so were we!" Roy shot back.

"Lineman, rescue man, paramedic, engineer…we're all on the same team!" Mike shot back just as Hank stepped into the fading afternoon light.

"Yea…even us Captains are on the same team with the rest of you." He offered with a sparkle in his eyes. "Gather around men…I have an announcement to make."

E!

Richie allowed his tears to drip off his chin as he sat beside Connie's grave. He was all alone in the cemetery which he found ironic now that he was all alone in the world as well. He'd spent the last hour talking to Connie as if the other man were sitting beside him. Reaching up to grasp the necklace around his neck, he spoke the final words he'd come to say. "Connie, I promised you I'd love you until death parted us. I hope…I hope you somehow knew that I wanted to be with you…wanted to be holding you when you left this world. I tried…God knows I tried but…but they wouldn't let me. Connie…I…I still love you…and I'm still wearing your ring….see?" He pulled the necklace out from the neckline of his sweatshirt. "This is the only way I can wear it now…but…I promise, I'll be wearing it when we meet again…and, well…it won't be a whole lot longer now." He looked down at his thin fingers then used them to dry his eyes. "I…I brought you these." He laid the bouquet of red and white plastic flowers down in front of the monument bearing the name of Constantine Gueterrez. "I'll see you soon, Connie. Love…you…Babe." He choked out before standing and walking away from Connie for what he knew was likely to be the last time.

He was weak and tired but he had no desire to ride a bouncy smelly bus all the way back to his apartment. When it made a stop at a corner he recognized, he stepped off into the shadows of the late afternoon sun then began walking slowly down the deserted sidewalk. This was a part of town that was quiet and sparsely populated. There was only one convenience store nearby and he watched as the owner flipped the 'OPEN' sign around so that 'CLOSED' was facing the parking lot. He then locked the front door, slipped into his car and headed off to celebrate the beginning of a new year. Richie sat down on the curb for a few moments to rest and to contemplate his limited future. Looking at the few buildings around him, an idea hatched inside his grieving mind. Slowly, he pulled himself up; a newfound source of energy moving through his veins giving him the strength he needed to accomplish the task that lay ahead.

E!

"Are you sure this is ok?"

Trey switched the bag of burgers from his right hand to his left, draping his right arm around Bethany's slim shoulders. "Yes…we aren't hurting anything. Besides, no one can see us back there so we can finally just be alone for a little while."

Bethany held the paper bag containing two cans of coke in one hand and slipped her other arm around Trey's waist. She leaned into him slightly as they turned the corner and walked towards the wooden picnic tables behind their high school. With school out for Christmas holidays, the place was exceptionally quiet and offered some respite from the cooling breeze. They sat down on the top of the picnic table facing each other and spread their food and drinks out between them. They had nearly finished their picnic when Bethany looked over Trey's left shoulder and noticed a thin shadow slipping between the locked gates of the old dilapidated building across the street.

Trey noticed her looking worriedly at something and turned around to look behind him. "What?" He searched the area but seeing nothing he returned his upper body back around facing Bethany. "What're you watching?"

Bethany held a french fry to her lips but didn't bite it. Instead, she just sat there looking more and more perplexed. "I…I thought I saw somebody squeeze between those gates over there."

"Huh?" Trey spun his entire body around then and stared in the direction of the semi-completed but long neglected building. "Who?"

"Not sure…kind of a smallish person." Bethany dropped her french fry back down on the paper sack she was using as a plate and stood up. She kept staring into the shadows for several long minutes. Not seeing any other signs of life, she looked back at Trey. "Maybe we should check it out."

"No…Bethany," he said reaching for her arm. "I've been in there…last year and it's…I don't think we should go in there." Trey remembered how spooky the building had been the night he and a few friends had sneaked into it. They'd managed to make their way up to the top level using the rickety stairwell near the outer edge. There were no walls or rails around the edges so the boys had tested each other's bravery by seeing who could walk out to the unprotected edge. His old self thought it had been fun but his new, more mature self now saw the danger of the old building and the last thing he wanted was for something to happen to his…was she? Yes, he finally admitted…he didn't want anything to happen to his girlfriend.

"I…I guess you're right." Bethany looked down at the remnants of food left from her meal and decided to discard the remaining fries. She carefully folded the food up inside the paper bag and then took another long drink from her soda.

Trey did the same thing with the other bag and then winked in her direction. Deep down, he wanted to impress her a little with his athletic prowess. He stood up on top of the picnic table and poised himself as though he were about to shoot the game winning shot. He dipped slightly, bending his knees then raised his right hand over his head and used his left one to steady his make shift 'ball' in the palm of his shooting hand. He leaped up, releasing his shot in mid-air and waited for it to bank off the side of the building and fall into the open trash can. "YES!" He pumped his fist down mocking the motion a referee would make to indicate that a basket counted during a game. "Two points!" He flashed her a grin and noticed that she was once again staring at the building across the street. He was disappointed that she hadn't been watching. "Bethie!"

Bethany jerked her head in his direction. "Oh…huh?"

He smiled at her again shaking his head in disbelief. "You missed my shot!"

"Oops…sorry." She stood up holding the crumbled bag in her hand and stepping down onto the bench seat of the table.

"Hey…pass it to me, Bethie! I'm open!" He held his hands out as if anticipating a chest pass from a teammate. He chuckled as she daintily tossed the bag to him. He then took a lunge off the top of the table and executed a perfect hook shot on his way to a not so perfect landing. "Oumph!"

Bethany watched Trey land a little awkwardly on his feet then fall on his backside. He grimaced as pain shot up from his right ankle but then laughed loudly ignoring the pain when he saw her cheering his accomplishment. "I scored?"

"Yep! Game winner!" She stepped off the seat of the table and reached out a hand to help him up. He accepted it and stood up but not without noticeable pain on the outside of his tender ankle. But, he ignored the pain when Bethany pulled him into a warm embrace. Their lips met again…the sensation lasting a little longer this time. She wrapped her arms around his neck feeling his muscles flex in his shoulders as he clasped his arms around her lower back, picking her up slightly and spinning her in a half turn before returning her to the ground amid her giggles.

"I love to hear you laugh." He crooned as she once again stepped up on the seat of the table so that she could look down at him.

"I like to laugh." She grinned shyly, laying her hands on his shoulders as the moment became more intense. Then, breaking eye contact briefly…she saw it again – slow movement along the bare stairs of the derelict building across the street.

Trey drew his eyebrows together as the expression on her face changed suddenly from giddy to apprehensive. "See something again?"

"Yea," Bethany whispered pulling out of his grasp. "C'mon…let's get a little closer. Just to be sure that…well, that it isn't a real person."

"Nnnggghhnn." Trey moaned. He did not like this idea but his resolve was weak where Bethany was concerned.

"C'mon…please? I just want to make sure and then we'll come back over here. She glanced down at her watch. "I've still got a couple of hours."

Against his better judgment, Trey acquiesced and the two walked beside each other, Trey limping slightly but holding tightly to her hand, as they crossed the street and stepped closer to the fenced in remains of a long deceased building.

E!

Richie trudged wearily up the third flight of stairs. _Two more sets and I'll be at the top._ He had to stop and catch his breath at each landing but he'd use every ounce of strength that he could summon in order to make it to the roof. He wanted to be completely isolated; to die in a place where his body might never be found. He had been denied access to Connie as he lay dying in that sterile hospital bed; unable to even hold his hand to escort him into the realm of the afterlife. Now, he would be alone as he too crossed that dark threshold into the next realm.

E!

Janice Coston reached up turning off the hot water and plunging both hands into the hot sudsy water. She had just begun washing the lunch dishes when she heard the phone ringing.

"Dez, will you answer the phone, please," she asked knowing her son was sitting on the floor watching television.

She rinsed off the dishes and was drying her hands when Desmond walked into the kitchen.

"It's for you, Mom," he said then quickly returned to his bean bag chair in the middle of the living room floor.

Janice hurried into the living room and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Ms. Coston? This is Dixie McCall at Rampart General Hospital. We have Desmond's test result back and Dr. Early was wondering if you could stop by later this evening for the results?" Dixie heard the audible sigh and longed to reach out to the woman on the other end of the phone.

"Y…yes, of course. What time?" Janice felt her stomach churning and thought the room may have tilted slightly. She looked at her son lying happily watching television and wondered to herself…_do I really want to know?_ Dixie's smoky voice on the other end of the line brought her back to the present.

"Well, he's working the ER tonight so he'll be here any time you want to come in. Just ask look for me at the nurse's station or ask for me at the registration desk."

"Ok," she muttered bringing her trembling fingers up to cover push her hair off her forehead. "Uh, thank you. We'll be there in a little while."

"Thank you, Ms. Coston."

"Yes, thank you, Ms. McCall. Bye."

E!

Bethany stepped closer to the place she thought she'd seen someone enter the locked premises across from the high school. She read the rusted out warning sign. 'DANGER: NO TRESPASSING,' she read silently as her eyes ran up the side of the building to the partially exposed stairwell. She pulled lightly on the locked chain that connected two sections of the tall chain link fence.

"See," Trey began. "It'll only separate a few inches apart. I don't think anyone could get in there unless they were pretty small." He hoped his observation would be enough to convince her that the shadows were playing tricks on her eyes.

"But…I could've sworn I saw someone…there!" She pointed upwards.

Trey tried to find the spot to which she pointed but didn't see anything unusual. He limped a few steps to the right to get a better visual angle and stood with his fingers clawing through the openings in the metal blockade. "I don't see anything, Bethie. Which floor…" His words were cut off by the shaking of the fence. He jerked his head back in Bethany's direction. "NO!"

E!

Janice returned her hands to the hot soapy water. Could she really handle going down there and finding out that her son was infected by the new deadly virus? She'd endured the loss of her husband but how would she survive watching her only child be consumed by this illness…an illness he'd have acquired because he was being treated for Sickle Cell Disease? She looked down at the pile of clean dishes now drying in the sink drain and had no memory of washing them; her mind reeling from the news that his test results were back and before this day and consequently this year ended she would know which course his future might take. She dried her dripping arms on a dish towel and then walked down the hallway towards her bedroom. She had to pull herself together before she could go face Dr. Early…and whatever lay ahead.

E!

Trey watched in horror as Bethany maneuvered her thin frame between the two sections of chain link fence. He tried to reach her to pull her back to safety but his ankle twisted again causing him to stumble and miss her.

"I saw it again, Trey!" She called back to him from inside the danger zone. "Please…get help!"

He watched, speechless, as she climbed over debris and into the bowels of the rickety old building. "Come back, Bethie! Please!" He called out. "Aarrrgghhh!" He slammed an angry hand against the barrier that had allowed her entrance. His body was larger than hers and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't gain access between the sections of metal. He ran a scratched up hand through his hair trying to figure out what to do. He looked around him but saw no one on whom he could call for help. The only store in the area was closed and there was no way he could run for help on his injured ankle. "Shit…shit…shit!" He stammered to himself spinning around in a near panic. Then he saw it. The only thing he knew to do to get help coming to them as quickly as possible.

E!

Marco ran the back of his forearm across his forehead in an effort to keep sweat from stinging his eyes. "What's up, Cap," he asked as he and the others gathered around their superior.

"Lemme guess," Johnny quipped. "Chet's bein' promoted to Captain of the Laker's right?"

"Well, he'd have a better chance of making it in the NBA than he ever will of making engineer."

"Oh very funny, Stoker!" Chet glared at his engineer while mindlessly bouncing the ball in front of him.

"Kelly…knock it off, will ya Pal?" Hank stood with both hands outstretched at chest level. "This is important and it affects us all."

Chet executed a perfect bounce pass to his captain as the small circle of shift mates drew in closer awaiting the words Hank seemed a bit hesitant to speak. Hank took the ball and spun it around in his hand remembering the time a few years back when they'd managed to make it to the finals of the Fire Department Basketball league. He snickered at the memory of Chet making the winning shot and then losing his ability to even ring a trash can with wadded up paper balls. He looked up into the eyes of the five men he'd grown to love as sons over the last decade and felt a hint of stinging in his eyes. He had to say this quickly or he wouldn't be able to say it at all.

"Gentleman…" he began but was quickly interrupted by the klaxons. _Not now, damn it!_

E!


	33. Chapter 33

A/N: This is the final chapter. I hope you enjoy it!

Humanity is Vulnerable- 33e

Trey was sweating by the time he hobbled back across the street and found a small window about five feet off the ground; the window he knew wouldn't be locked. The locking mechanism had jammed during his summer community service and had yet to be replaced. He managed to raise it up enough to pull himself through but then fell head first into the janitor's closet inside. "Arrgh, damn it!" He yelped in frustration, knowing that no one was around to hear his curses. He pulled himself up feeling a sharp pain along the inside of his left wrist. Ignoring the discomfort, he fumbled around until he found the light switch. Now, with the tiny room illuminated, he quickly unlocked the door and made his way down the darkened corridor toward his destination – the small red box with the white T-shaped pull bar located on the wall near the office door.

E!

Bethany's face was stinging as she pushed herself forward toward the rusty metal stairs. She used both hands to guide herself up into the darkness; the sun was beginning to set leaving nothing but eerie shadows where the stairs should be. She couldn't trust her eyes so she had to use her other senses to make sure that the places she was stepping were real and not just the shadows playing tricks on her. She ran the back of one hand across the burning place along her forehead; an act that brought tears to her eyes. Obviously, she'd scraped it along the metal fence as she'd slithered through.

By the time she'd reached the fourth floor, she was beginning to doubt herself. Had she really seen someone going inside this old structure? What if she was wrong? "Hello?" She called out. "Anybody in here?" She heard her voice reverberating off the emptiness of the gray interior. Then she heard it…a faint echo of a voice that did not belong to her.

E!

Richie finally made it to the top floor. Only the roof was higher but that wasn't his destination. He looked around at the hollowness surrounding him and chuckled to himself. _Just like me…rusty and broken on the outside and completely empty on the inside….had the potential to be something great but…fate intervened…leaving both of us here…dying alone and uncared for. _He lay down on the cold concrete floor listening to the sounds of the world going by. Was it possible to will oneself to die? He'd wondered about the possibility. He didn't want to die alone in a hospital the way Connie had…but he also didn't think he had the courage to simply end it all himself. No, he wanted to die and hoped that he could somehow convince his body to go ahead and accept the fact. He laid there for several long moments listening to the old building groaning…until he realized that the bumping noises he was hearing seemed to be something other than just random sounds of a derelict and forgotten structure. They were spaced out fairly evenly. His eyes shot open with the realization that perhaps he wasn't alone inside this corpse of concrete and steel. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and waited. When he heard it again, he stood up and made his way to the open ledge…away from the stairwell on the opposite side of the large room.

_Hello? Anybody in here?_

Someone else was in this building with him. Someone must have seen him enter and followed him. "Sonofabitch!" He cursed quietly. He drew a deeper breath in order to raise his voice hoping whomever was ascending the stairs would go back down. "GO…AWAY!" He shouted with all the energy he had in him. Then he heard a sound that nearly choked off his breathing. The sound of multiple bumps; whoever had been following him had just fallen.

E!

Hank spun around staring at the source of the interruption to his announcement. As soon as Sam Lanier's voice called out the station, he along with his men rushed to their respective vehicles.

"_Station 51…fire alarm at the high school…_

"High school?" Chet's face turned into a mass of confusion. "School's out right?" He asked no one in particular as the crew donned their turnouts and took their assigned spots on the rigs.

"Station 51, KMG-365." Hank spoke into the microphone tearing off the slip of paper and passing it to Roy then rushing to ride shotgun in Big Red as the emergency vehicles headed towards their destination.

"Gotta be real this time…no kids in there," Johnny said pulling the strap of his helmet tight underneath his chin.

"Yea…thought the address sounded familiar," Roy responded as he carefully looked in all directions before running beneath a red traffic light.

With a response time of seven minutes, the two vehicles pulled in behind Vince who was just shifting his patrol car into park. He exited at the same time that Hank jumped down from the engine.

"What we got, Vince?" Hank asked over the loud pulsating shrieks coming from inside the building.

"Not sure…don't see any flames or smell any smoke…I got dispatch to call the principal." Vince announced as the rest of Station 51 pulled on their gloves making their preparations to battle an as-of- yet-unseen blaze.

Hank turned to his crew but before he could assign tasks a sound was heard that sent chills up his spine. During a predictable gap in the alarm pattern, a panicky voice shouted.

"HELP!"

Vince and Hank both turned in the direction of the cry. Hank waved to his men and seven bodies moved as one toward the back of the school.

"Help, please help!" Trey looked around the janitor's closet in frustration. He'd heard the sirens and seen the flashing lights reflecting off the other buildings of the school. He'd tried to pull himself up to get back out the window but the pain in his wrist made the task impossible. There was a chair in the room that he'd moved up close to the window but had been unable to stand in it with his ankle throbbing and swelling. He called out again hoping that the first responders summoned by the fire alarm would hear his cries. "Help…I'm in here…help!" He had to get their attention; not for himself but for Bethany. He knew how dangerous the old building could be and he didn't want anything to happen to her.

Hank was the first to arrive around the back of the main building. He quickly noticed the open window of the only illuminated room among all the darkened ones; the pattern of three pulsing alarms followed by a short silence provided the music for the strobe light effect seen through the dark windows. He stepped up on the overturned garbage can, obviously the source of entry for the perpetrator turned victim as well, and peered inside. "Son? Are you hurt?"

The frightened look in Trey's eyes tugged at Hank's heart. He knew the boy was afraid of the trouble he was in but he could also see that he was injured; he was cradling his left wrist in his right hand and both hands were covered in smeared blue ink. Under different circumstances, Hank would have laughed that the trap he'd recommended for the fire alarm prankster had paid off. But right now, it was obvious who had activated the manual alarm…the only question was why?

"Don't worry 'bout me. My…my girlfriend, Bethany…she's inside the building across the street. She thought she…"

"Whoa, whoa…now just slow down a minute. Is there a fire?"

Trey lowered his head and slid down the side of the wall in frustration. Bethany was in danger and no one would listen to him. "No..no sir. I had to get help…and this was all I could think of to do. I…I pulled the alarm but nothing's wrong in here…it's over THERE!" He shouted, wincing when he pointed an obviously swollen and discolored wrist in the direction of the dilapidated structure. "Please…you gotta get her out…please?" His voice cracked and he lowered his head, shoulders slumping.

Hank pulled his torso out of the window. "Johnny, see if you can get in there and check him out. Marco, the key to the alarm is on that red hook beside the wiring panel." Hank thought briefly about the irony of the prankster breaking into the normally locked janitorial closet where the key to the fire alarm was kept. The young man had unknowingly aided his rescuers in shutting off the annoying sound quickly. He looked back at his senior lineman. "You follow Johnny in and shut this noise off until the principal gets here. We'll reset it later. Chet, Roy…let's move that picnic table over here so they'll have something to stand on. I think the kid can be treated once we get him outside."

The men of 51's jumped into motion while Hank conferenced with Vince and Mike. "Listen fellas…kid says his girlfriend is in the building across the street. Now, maybe he's just trying to get the heat off himself but we hafta check it out."

"I've gotta spot light we can use to shine around the place. See if we see anything."

"Thanks, Vince. Mike, you pull the engine into position and see if you can give a little more light to the place…I'll bring the rest over as soon as we can get this kid out." He pointed his thumb back over his shoulder.

"Hey…not exactly what you had planned for your New Year's celebration, huh?" Johnny tried to engage his patient in some type of conversation but his gesture went unnoticed amid the background noise of the alarm.

"Look, Bethie needs help. Please…go help her. I'm fine." Trey's frustration was evident in his voice.

"A'right, now just take it easy." Johnny grimaced when the shrieking suddenly stopped and he realized he was still shouting. "We've got help headin' over there right now. But, we're gonna help you too. Now, ah…where're ya hurt?" Johnny asked as he began assessing his less than cooperative patient.

"Nowhere! Just go get her, please?"

"Hey…now cut it out. You're just slowin' us down by not cooperatin' ok? The sooner we get you out the sooner we can go check on her." He reached for Trey's swollen wrist.

The young man made a hissing sound as he sucked in his breath between his clenched teeth.

"Ok… a'right…looks like you might've broken your wrist." Johnny quickly scanned the rest of Trey's body with his hands noting the young man's reaction when he palpated his sore ankle. "Let's get this shoe and sock off so I can take a look at it."

"Whatcha' need, Johnny?" Roy asked with his head stuck inside the window.

"Looks like a sprained right ankle and a left radial fracture. Ah, just gimme a couple of splints and then we'll check him over a little better outside where there's more room." Johnny looked back down at his patient who seemed to be growing more and more impatient. "A'right, once I get ya splinted then we'll get ya outta here, ok?"

Trey only nodded his understanding.

Johnny's brown eyes noted Trey's reaction. "My name is John Gage, I'm a paramedic with Station 51. What's your name?"

"Trey…Trey Buchanan."

Roy retrieved the requested supplies and tossed them down to Johnny just as Marco returned from silencing the alarm.

E!

Across the street, Mike and Vince were sweeping the area with spotlights.

"Chain and lock are still in place." Vince noted. "I think the kid's lying."

"Maybe…but let's keep looking just in case there's….hey….Vince? You see that?"

Vince's eyes followed the beam of light to the fourth floor. There, in a crouching position on the landing between the fourth and fifth floors, he saw a patch of strawberry blonde hair blowing in the breeze…the body it was attached to, although very still, was lying precariously close to the edge with her back to the first responders and her head resting about three steps above the landing.

"Oh shit, Mike!"

"Yea…I know."

E!

"A'right, now let us do the lifting." Johnny ordered his patient as Marco got into position on the side opposite the paramedic. "Roy, watch that wrist." Johnny and Marco hoisted Trey up as high as they could while Roy and Hank reached underneath his arms and pulled him the rest of the way through. Chet grabbed his legs until the trio had him positioned where he could stand on his uninjured leg. Hank and Roy flanked him, assisting him away from the window and onto the top of another picnic table. It was the perfect height for Roy and Johnny to use as an exam table.

"Chet, Marco…head on over and give Mike a hand. I'll be there shortly." Hank ordered while he watched his paramedics move with the ease of a well-oiled machine.

"Where is she? Where's Bethie?"

"Settle down now. See over there," Johnny turned to his side pointing to the place where Mike and Vince were sweeping the building with spotlights. "They're lookin' for her." He opened the biophone to contact Rampart while Roy got a set of vitals on their patient.

"Rampart this is Squad 51. How do you read?"

"Loud and clear, 51. Go ahead."

Johnny scowled, shaking his head as he looked at his partner and mouthed the word, 'Morton.'

"Rampart, we have a male age 16, victim of a fall. Vitals are BP 138/86, pulse 94 and respirations 20. Victim has pain and swelling of the right ankle as well as the left wrist. Rampart, be advised that there may be a second victim, female but she hasn't been located yet. First victim is experiencing a great deal of anxiety at this point because of the potential second victim." Johnny hoped Dr. Morton understood what he was saying. He was speaking as low as he could while Roy was trying to keep Trey occupied so he wouldn't hear.

"Ok, Trey…my name is Roy DeSoto and I'm Johnny's partner. He's talking to a doctor at the hospital and he'll probably let us give you something for the pain in just a minute."

"No…I don't need anything for pain! I…I just want Bethie." He stammered as a set of headlights flashed in his face.

Johnny heard the comment and relayed the information back to Dr. Morton. "Ah, patient is refusing analgesic at this time."

"10-4, 51. Any signs or symptoms of abdominal or head injury?"

"Negative." Johnny answered.

"10-4. If necessary, you are authorized to administer 5 mg of diazepam. Splint the affected injuries and transport as soon as possible."

"I'll get an ETA on that ambulance." Johnny offered as Roy continued his efforts to calm Trey down.

E!

Vince left Mike with the spot light shining on what they believed to be a second victim.

"Looks like we've got company." Vince left to go see the driver of the gray station wagon that had just pulled up.

"I'll notify, Cap." Mike stepped up into the cab of the engine and keyed the microphone. "Engine 51, to Captain Stanley."

"Go ahead, Mike."

"Cap…we're gonna need to go in the building…got someone on the stairs between the fourth and fifth floors," Mike spoke into the radio microphone held closely to his lips while never taking his eyes off the still image on the fourth floor stairway.

Vince ran across the street to greet the man getting out of the station wagon. "Hey…are you the principal?"

The salt and pepper haired wiry man looked at the law enforcement officer through dark rimmed glasses. "Yes, I'm Principal Buchanan, Judson Buchanan. What's happened?" The slender man asked looking worriedly at the buildings then he saw his son sitting up, leg outstretched on a picnic table.

"Well, seems this kid tripped the fire alarm..."

He shifted his position feeling his ire boiling inside of him. "Is that him?" He asked Vince through clinched teeth.

"Yes, Sir. It seems he…"

"Goddamnit!" He felt the muscles in his jaws tighten as he made his way closer to his injured son.

"Dad?" Trey looked up into the vengeful eyes of his father.

"You! I should've known it was you the whole time! You lying…" He yelled, reaching out to grab his son by the front of his shirt.

"Hold it, Mr. Buchanan." Vince placed his larger hand around the angry man's outstretched arm and pulled him away from the frightened boy just as Roy positioned himself protectively between them. "Let me remind you of something," Vince rumbled standing chest to chest with the slighter man. "Right now…until we sort all this out…your son is looking at a few charges. That makes him MY prisoner. And if you lay one hand on him then you're gonna be my prisoner too."

"Dad…I," he said in a squeak of a voice. "I..hadta…to get help and…I didn't know what else…to do. I'm sorry, Dad. Honest…I'm so sorry."

"John, Roy…can you leave this victim? Mike's got something in the old building." Hank stepped up next to Trey to assume Roy's impromptu role of protector.

"Is it Bethie? Is she alright?"

"Bethany Carmichael's in there?" Mr. Buchanan shouted louder than he meant to do as he stared disbelievingly at his son.

"Bethany Carmichael?" Johnny looked at his partner and gulped.

"Yea…she…she thought she saw someone crawl between sections of the fence and she went after them." Trey was on the verge of tears. "I'll be alright…just, please…go help her."

Roy and Johnny exchanged quick glances then Roy spoke up. "Mr. Buchanan? It's your call. There's an ambulance on the way and one of us will stay here with Trey and ride in with…"

"No…I'll stay with him." He noted the stern looks he was given by both Hank and Vince. "Sounds like Bethany might need you guys more right now. Go ahead, please."

"Hank," Vince said stepping a few steps away from the Buchanan duo. "I'll stay here and wait for the ambulance." He knew Hank would understand that his primary concern at the moment had more to do with Trey's safety than the ambulance crew needing directing.

"Let's go." Roy picked up his helmet from the seat of the picnic table. He tightened his chin strap and followed his partner to the place where Mike stood, his light illuminating the grotesque structure.

E!

Richie crouched against the large metal beam blocking him from the lights flashing across the front of the building. Someone had followed him. He'd heard the footsteps and the call out. But, then he'd heard the bumping noises and the silence that followed. Whoever had followed him up the stairs, whoever had called out to him…had surely fallen to her death. _What have I done? _He pulled his knees up to his chest while he leaned against the cold metal beam, wind whipping around him from both sides, unable to control the trembling of his entire body. He pulled his necklace out of his sweatshirt and held it closely to his lips. "Oh Connie…I hate this…I miss you…I…I don't know what to do. Take me with you, Babe. Please…" He sobbed in silent agony as the sound of rapidly ascending footsteps echoed throughout the structure. "No…no, I won't go with them. I won't, Connie." He looked over his shoulder slightly, down to the flashing lights and activity below….and he knew that from this distance…it would all be over quickly.

E!

"Have you seen any movement?"

"No, Roy," Mike said. "Nothing but the wind blowing her hair."

"How the hell'd she get in here?" Johnny stood pulling the two sections of the barrier apart that were still held together by a locked chain. "I can't get in without cuttin' it."

"Get the bolt cutters, Marco." Hank asked his senior lineman. "Roy, John…I want you tied off at all times…I don't trust this old building."

The two medics rushed to the squad to retrieve ropes and belts. Mike continued working the lights to illuminate the shadows better while Hank moved himself into a better position. Meanwhile, Vince called for back-up units. At the moment, crowd control wasn't an issue but the longer this rescue continued the greater the likelihood that folks would stop by to watch…and subsequently, get in the way. He looked at the Buchanan father and son. The hostility the older man had displayed seemed to be fading away while the fear in the younger man's eyes remained as evident as ever. As Vince stood guard over the duo, the younger of the two Buchanan's swiped his non-injured hand across his face; fear and pain mixed together streaking his handsome features. His father never removed his eyes from the scene playing out across the street but he did manage to take a seat on the picnic table beside his son and offer his arm around his trembling shoulder in a show of support and love.

"What else ya gonna need?" Hank asked his medics.

"Ah, hard to say 'til we get up there but probably better put our equipment in the stokes and we'll hoist it up when we get there," Johnny replied, slinging a section of rope across his chest bandito style.

"Marco…Chet."

"On it, Cap." Chet answered.

Hank stepped back to get a better look at the girl. "Fellas…take it easy going up. If she gets startled…"

Roy's blue eyes misted over as the light evening breeze blew his hair around his ears. He looked silently at his partner who was pulling on his gloves and securing his helmet. Neither man spoke…neither man had to. Both had already pondered the consequences of the statement Hank had left dangling in the air around the small group of rescuers.

E!

Bethany felt more than heard the footfalls of the paramedics who were ascending to her location. No matter how hard she tried she could not move from the place where she was planted. She remembered hearing the voice of someone telling her to go away. Amazed by the noise, she failed to raise her foot high enough to clear the next step and she stumbled slipping down at least four steps to the landing. But it wasn't the fall that had her frozen in place now; it was the view of the ground below glaring up at her between the open stairway. Bethany Carmichael had never been afraid of heights but as she saw the ground beneath her rising up to meet her during her brief fall, her entire world seemed to spin in slow motion. Bethany was left clinging to the third step of the flight, arms wrapped tightly around the cold metal step with her left cheek lying flat against it, unmoving. She could barely catch her breath and was feeling tingling in her hands and feet; total absolute fear gripping her chest, twisting her lungs and stealing her voice. All she could do was wait and pray that the footfalls that were growing closer would arrive in time to save her from certain death.

E!

Johnny had taken lead and was rapidly making his way to the fourth floor. He was beginning to feel slightly dizzy from keeping his head held back watching the small curled up body growing closer to him with each step. "Hang on, Bethany…just don't move."

Roy followed closely behind his partner as they made their way up the rickety stairs. The going was slower than either one would like but it was necessary to attach carabiners at each level in case one of them slipped. It took time to shift them at each landing but the railing seemed sturdy enough to support their weight if they fell and they both knew they couldn't help the girl if one or both of them plunged to their death because they were too rushed to use proper safety precautions.

By the time Johnny began climbing the stairs between the third and fourth floors, Bethany had nearly reached her limit. She began to shiver from the cold and from the feeling of the boney fingers of fear climbing along her spine and reaching around her shoulders. She began to feel the sensation of being pulled backwards; pulled to the place where there was no railing. Her knees ached and she inadvertently shifted slightly while still maintaining her grip on the cold metal step, screwing her eyes tightly shut. From somewhere deep inside her soul, the soft sobs began. They bubbled up slowly at first then became overwhelming as the footsteps grew louder and the vibrations seemed to rattle her teeth. "Please," she whispered. "Please…help…me."

Below, Hank saw the slight movement of her foot. His heart slammed around inside the confines of his chest as he fought with his emotions. "No…stay still, sweetheart. Just a little longer," he whispered as he watched his two medics make the turn that placed them on the same level as their victim. "Come on…hurry, John." His hand was clenched tightly around the handi-talkie. He watched as his dark haired paramedic tied himself off then placed a hand on Bethany's shivering back.

Johnny was close enough that he could easily see her chest rising and falling rapidly. "Easy…Bethany…don't move now, honey." He kneeled down pulling a glove off with his teeth then reaching beneath her ribs to wrap the rescue belt around her waist. He managed to fasten it then felt around for the carabiner to connect it to his own belt. "Slow breaths…I've got ya but…you're breathing too fast, a'right? Slow down…I'm not gonna let ya fall." As soon as he knew she was safely secured, he blew out a breath and turned to his partner. "Got her, Roy."

Roy keyed up the handi-talkie. "Squad 51 to Engine 51. She's secured…we're starting our assessment now."

Hank struggled to find his voice. "T..ten-four….good job, men."

"Bethany…can you tell me if you're hurt anywhere?" Johnny removed his remaining glove and reached down to pull her hair away from her face to see if he saw any bruising or bleeding. For his gesture, he was rewarded with a blushing face and pretty green but red-rimmed eyes looking up at him from a splotched wet face. He noted the bloody streak smeared across her forehead but knew immediately the laceration was minor.

"N…no…just re…really scared…c-can't move."

"Well, you don't have to move, a'right? I'll carry you down." He flashed her a lopsided grin as he counted her respirations and pulse.

Roy watched his partner run a skilled hand across Bethany's limbs and was relieved when he found nothing concerning except for her rapid pulse. Keying the mic again, he smiled. "Squad 51 to Engine 51."

"Go ahead, Roy."

"Cap, she seems to be alright…just scared 's all. We'll be heading down shortly. No need to send up the equipment."

"10-4."

Johnny continued his efforts to calm her down. "Now…see these metal rings here? You and I are stuck together until we get to the ground. And, these other rings here are connecting me to the railing so…we're just gonna take a slow steady trip down these four flights of stairs, a'right?"

Bethany tried to nod her head but the movement made her dizzy. "Auugh," she grunted gripping the step even harder.

"Ok," Johnny began. "You gotta let go of this so we can get started."

"I…I can't…he's," she looked up into caring dark eyes. "He's still…up there." She looked past him to the bottom of the landing above her.

Johnny jerked his head to the side to look worriedly at Roy.

Roy watched John's adam's apple bobble, leaving his mouth slightly open. "Bethany? Are you saying there's someone else up here?" Roy's voice was calm but his gut was churning.

"Y…yes…I followed him and," she tried to swallow but her mouth was too dry. "I called him but…he…he shouted for me to go away….then, I…I slipped."

"You need my help to get her down?" Roy asked his partner.

"No…but, Roy…don't go up there alone. Lemme get her down…she's not injured…just scared. I'll come back up and go with…"

"Johnny," Roy cut him off. "He might be…"

"I know what he might be…and that's why you shouldn't go alone!" Johnny's frustration was growing. If this guy was a jumper, he might not care who he took with him. And Johnny had come too close to losing his partner twice recently; once by his own hand and another time by the possibility of a fatal virus. He was afraid that testing fate for a third time might prove fatal.

"I'll stay tied off, Johnny. I'll be careful but if we've got another victim up here," he pointed above his head. "And an available rescuer," he pointed to himself. "Then, I've got a job to do."

Johnny stared into Roy's blue eyes shimmering in the artificial light from the rigs and their flashlights. Something in his soul feared he might be having his last conversation with his partner but the shaking young girl leaning against his torso reminded him of his own rescue responsibilities and he simply nodded his understanding. He opened his mouth to say something but then thought better of it. "I'll be back up…soon as I can." Johnny pulled the coiled section of rope over his head and held it out to Roy.

Roy nodded, accepting the proffered rope and waited for his partner to turn around carefully peeling Bethany from the cold metal to which she'd been clinging for half an hour, watching as they slowly descended a couple of steps at a time. He then secured his belt to the railing and began the last few steps to the place where Bethany said one more victim was waiting.

E!

Vince had no idea when the other two units had arrived to block off the adjoining streets, securing the scene and protecting onlookers as well as emergency responders and victims. He'd been too involved in the high rise rescue to notice, unable to take his eyes off the drama that was unfolding across the street.

"Is…is she ok?"

Judson Buchanan pulled his son into a sideways hug. "I…I don't know, son."

Vince heard the conversation going on between the father and son. "Gimme a minute. I'll see what I can find out for you."

Hank stood watching as Johnny slowly made his way down the stairs half carrying and half supporting his young frightened patient. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt the back of someone's hand tap his elbow. "Whu…oh, Vince." Hank whispered turning back around to watch Johnny continuing to make his tethered descent.

"Ah, look, Hank," Vince cocked his head towards the back of the high school where Trey Buchanan still sat on the picnic table with his father beside him. "The young man is really worried about the girl. Anything I can tell him?"

Hank shifted sideways slightly, enough to see the two Buchanan men watching the rescue in progress and he pressed his lips into a thin line. Then, a smile crossed his features. "Tell 'em she's scared to death…but doesn't seem to be injured."

"Will do….thanks, man." Vince tossed the comment over his shoulder while returning to Trey wearing a bright smile.

Hank saw the relief cross the young man's features then turned around to a sight he never expected. "DeSoto," he whispered. "What the hell are you doing?" He jerked the handi-talkie to his mouth just as his senior paramedic's voice echoed into the night.

E!

Roy, secured by his belt and carabiners, maneuvered the remaining stairs while contacting his captain for an update. "Fireman DeSoto to Captain Stanley."

"Go ahead, Roy."

"Cap, we may have a third victim on the top floor. I'm going to check it out now. Johnny's on his way down with the second victim."

Hank watched Roy's small silhouette disappear into the shadows of the fifth floor just as he heard the medic's explanation.

E!

Roy stepped into the indistinctness of the large upper floor cloaked in darkness. "Hello? Fire Department. Anybody up here?"

He waved the beam of his flashlight along the edge of the floor and around the large steel beams, knowing that this was the most likely place a person might be. He continued calling out and sweeping the flashlight along until he had worked his way around to the corner opposite the stairwell where he stood. He caught a glimpse of something and made another sweep around the base of the rusty beam. His heart seemed to wedge itself into his throat as he saw the form of a person crouching on the floor leaning against the beam. His arms were wrapped around his raised knees with his face resting on them, turned away from Roy's intruding light. Roy licked his lips and cleared his throat searching for the right words to say to the man who was perched mere inches away from the brink.

He pulled the rope off his shoulder, fastening it to the rescue belt around his waist on one end and then anchoring it to the metal railing at the top of the stairs. He didn't want to have a long distance conversation with a possibly suicidal individual but he also wasn't going near him without ensuring his own safety.

"Sir? Sir, I'm Firefighter DeSoto." Roy kept talking as he made his way closer to the silent huddled form. Keeping his flashlight aimed to the left allowed him to better see his potential patient without causing him added duress by temporarily blinding him. "Sir, are you hurt?" Roy's voice as well as his footfalls softened.

His training was always in the forefront of his mind; ready to be retrieved for whatever the situation required; it had been that way since he'd graduated from the first paramedic class at Harbor General Hospital. But in recent months, there was something else lurking near the surface - the memory of his own brush with the grim reaper on his back deck during the most lonely and dark hours of his life. He didn't want to startle the man nor did he want to make him feel at all threatened. Roy needed to get him talking if there was going to be any chance of a good outcome here.

"My name's Roy, Roy DeSoto," he repeated, kneeling down when he was within a distance that made for easy conversation without invading the man's self-imposed isolation area.

Richie shuddered his exhalation as he lifted his wet face off his knees. "You gonna arrest me?"

"No, I'm not gonna arrest you. I'm not a cop. Has something happened that…that makes you concerned about being arrested?" Roy's throat felt tight as he thought of how to proceed with the conversation.

Richie glanced over his shoulder again and exhaled loudly, making Roy wince at the uncertainty of the situation. "Yea…trespassing and…the girl…she…I didn't…I mean, she followed me, I guess…I don't know."

Roy could tell that the man's frustration level was rising and knew he had to calm him. He needed to refocus the man. "Bethany."

"What?" Richie knitted his eyebrows together.

"The girl…her name is Bethany. My partner's taking care of her." Roy responded, hoping he could appeal to the man's apparent concern for her welfare.

"Is she…hurt bad?"

Roy waited briefly for the other man to look in his direction. "No…she's scared but…but she isn't hurt. She was, ah…worried about you."

"Huh, yea." He answered, softly but somewhat sarcastically.

Roy continued on. "Seriously…she didn't want Johnny to take her down because you were still up here. She…she didn't want to leave you here alone."

"She doesn't even know me."

Roy licked his lips then continued. "No…but I think she'd really like to…so would I." Roy continued speaking calmly. "Will you at least tell me your name?"

He hugged his legs tighter to his chest remembering that the paramedic had already told him his first and last name. He felt a certain obligation to return the favor. "R-Richard Owens…Richie."

"Mr. Owens, Bethany's…well, she's really worried about you. Put yourself in her place for a minute…she did something very risky…to try to help you so…"

"I didn't ask her to." Richie interrupted.

"I know, Mr. Owens…I know you didn't but would you at least…tell me what's going on?" Roy hoped to obtain a little more information on his current victim.

E!

As Johnny and Bethany reached the final landing between the first and second floors, crystal blue eyes and outstretched arms greeted them. "I'll take her, John."

Johnny saw the outstretched arms of his engineer and released his still trembling patient. "Thanks, Mike."

Mike held her close to Johnny's side until the medic could release the belt from around her midsection.

"She's got a minor laceration on her forehead. Can you clean it up for me? I need to go back and help Roy." Johnny was nearly breathless with anxiety over what might be happening over four floors above them.

"You bet, Johnny." Mike smiled down at the girl cradled in his arms, leaning her head against his strong shoulder. "It's ok, Bethany. Do you remember me?" Her smiled warmed his heart and he knew she remembered.

Johnny gripped the rescue belt he'd just removed from Bethany and began a second ascent hoping their third victim of the night would be as fortunate as the first two.

E!

"Please, Roy…just…go." Richie heard the quiver in his voice.

"I can't do that, Mr. Owens. I can't leave you here…I won't leave you here." Roy continued his slow paced efforts.

"Uugh – please don't call me that…sounds like my old man. Just call me Richie."

"Sure." Roy complied trying to slip a little closer.

"NO!" Richie blurted out as he saw Roy creeping forward. "Stay back…I won't let you force me down from here."

Roy held up both hands, palms out. "Now, hold on just a minute. I can't force you to do anything, Richie. You're in control here. I can help you…but only if you'll let me. See, I've…well, let's just say that I understand."

"But, you don't…understand…what it's like to…to be me. If you did then…you'd go back down there and see about that girl. She…she can still be helped…I can't, Roy…it's…it's too late for me." Richie's throat constricted and he struggled to breathe while forcing his unshed tears back into their hiding places.

"No…no I don't know what it's like to be you. But I'd like to know, Richie." Roy wanted to make sure he kept calling the man by name. "Something brought you up here tonight. Something that's…that's taken away your hope…your reason to live." Roy was pushing for information but he also knew he was on the right track…because he remembered having those same feelings.

"Damn it!" He sniffled loudly, leaning his head back against the cold metal beam at his back. "You, ah...you got a family, Roy?"

Roy wasn't sure how much self-disclosure he should allow but he knew that he'd managed to engage the man in a conversation and right now, that was a step in the right direction. "Yea…wife and, ah…two kids."

"You're lucky, man. Real lucky. See…my, ah…my spouse died a few months back…had a bad illness and, ah…I wasn't there…couldn't be there…well, Connie's family didn't allow me to be there…when it happened…'cause," he swallowed back the bile that was tickling the back of his throat. Dare he say it?

Roy felt the hair on his arms slowly standing. He could see the emaciated features of the man, noticed how carefully he chose his words. He began to understand what circumstances may have led him to this point. "I'm sorry, Richie. That wasn't fair…not to you and…not to Connie either."

Richie scrubbed his face with his open palms wiping away the moisture on his cheeks. He'd almost said too much. "Yea…well, you and I…we live in two different worlds. Your, ah...your wife's family couldn't keep you from seeing her in a…a hospital 'cause…you'd be her, ah…her next of kin but I…well, we weren't like that," he gulped trying to find the courage to tell this stranger the intimate details of his life that had brought him to this place on this night. "Damn them to hell!" He forced the words out through gritted teeth.

"Who? Connie's family?" Roy sensed the frustration level rising again and felt a sudden need to tamp it back down.

"Yea…but, see…you," his chest began to heave as a swell of emotions he'd kept locked away for years suddenly began to break free. "You….there's just no way…for you to understand, man. You just can't 'cause you got this…this normal family life and…and mine's just…all fucked up."

"Things aren't always what they seem, Richie."

"Yea well…look at me, man. For me…things are what they seem." He rocked slightly to and fro, staring blankly at the shadows between himself and Roy. "I'm dying, Roy…I have it…uh…AIDS and see…Connie might be dead now…'cause of me. I might've given it to…him." He felt the warm liquid escape from the corners of his eyes and he no longer cared. "You…you don't know what it's…like," he sniffled, "to not be…normal. You can't know…how I feel…knowing that…it might be…my fault." His breathing was becoming rapid as he spat out his words in short phrases.

Roy felt his chest tightening and feared he'd lose his ability to breathe as memories flooded his mind; memories of a time when his own life ran closely parallel to that of Richie's. And just as Johnny had been there for him during his darkest hours, so he knew he needed to be present for Richie; needed to share his own experiences and assure him that what he was feeling and going through was not only understandable but was normal...to validate for Richie that he was normal.

"Richie, is it alright if I share something with you; something that happened to me a few months ago that I think will show you that I DO know how you feel... exactly how you feel?"

Richie's blonde hair blew in the gentle night breeze as he finally lifted his eyes up to meet those of the man now asking him a question. He gave his shoulders a brief shrug as he looked down at the space between them once more. Slowly, he raised his eyes back up to meet those of the paramedic and offered an almost imperceptible nod…but it was the permission Roy was seeking.

E!

Johnny was breathing hard by the time he reached the landing near the top floor. He could hear mumbled voices and turned off his flashlight, not wanting to draw attention to himself. He slowed down his footsteps, listening to the conversation so he'd know how to proceed…but what he heard nearly took his breath away. He lowered himself down onto the top step and continued eavesdropping on a conversation he would soon realize he wasn't supposed to hear.

E!

Hank looked at his watch and realized that his men had been working inside the old abandoned structure for over thirty minutes. He hadn't received an update since Mike had returned with Bethany and explained that John was going back up to assist Roy with a possible third victim. As he stood below looking up at the still form of his younger paramedic sitting on the stairs, he knew there was definitely a third victim. The only problem was that he didn't know why Johnny was simply staying put. It was completely out of character for him not to be in the middle of a rescue in progress. _Hell, it's out of character for him to be sitting still. _

"Cap?"

Hank was pulled out of his musings by the sound of his older lineman.

"Yea?"

"The ambulance is here but the kids are refusing to leave until they know what happens with the guy up there." Marco explained.

Hank gave a semblance of a smile. "Well, tell those Mayfair boys to just be patient."

"Ok."

"Oh and Marco?"

"Yes?"

"Get a second ambulance rolling, will ya Pal? I have a feeling we're gonna need it," he said turning his gaze back towards the upper floors of the old building.

E!

Johnny sat speechless alone on the top step listening to his best friend recount the events of that fateful night; his words bringing back the painful memories for Johnny as well. Roy remembered much more than Johnny thought he had. He'd also been in a much darker place than even Johnny had realized. Johnny thought about the green metal lock box still at his apartment. He'd never returned it to Roy and Roy had never asked about it. Truthfully, until now, he hadn't even thought about it but after listening to this conversation, he knew that he could return it to Roy without a concern that he might use it inappropriately. He also thought about the scribbled note he'd been carrying around in his wallet since that morning; the one with just one word…'sorry'…written on it. Until now, Johnny had assumed that it was meant for Joanne but now, after hearing Roy's explanation, he knew that one word note had been Roy's attempt at an apology to him. And Johnny vowed at that moment to carry it with him forever; a reminder of what had almost happened…and what he'd almost lost.

E!

Richie had listened to Roy's story, surprised by how similar it was to his own. "Know what I miss the most, Roy?"

"What?"

"Touch."

Roy thought of how he'd felt when he thought he'd never be able to make love to Joanne again. "I know…I remember thinking I'd never be able to enjoy a sexual relationship with my wife again."

"No…not just sexually…I miss human contact." He sniffled again as he thought of Connie dying in a hospital without the comfort of human touch. "People are…afraid of me."

Roy sat somewhat stunned by his comment but he also understood it. "Richie, listen to me. It's true that I am afraid of your blood…but I'm not afraid of you. Will you let me come over there and take you back down. I'll help you.."

"NO…no…I don't want to die alone in some goddamn hospital with a bunch of people staring at me dressed like a bunch of fucking astronauts."

"But you came up here…to die alone," Roy stated the obvious. "Please, Richie." He reached out his hand knowing the other man needed to feel the warmth of another human.

It took what seemed like hours as Roy held his breath. He waited while Richie considered his offer and he was encouraged by the fact that Richie hadn't initially rejected him. Finally, he could see the young man's defenses faltering and he reached out a frail shaky hand toward the paramedic.

"That's it, Richie. You're doing great now just hold still and let me come to you." He swallowed back his fears of Richie falling and slowly inched forward until his own firm grip held Richie's weaker trembling one.

"Ok…now…let me do the work…you don't move, Richie."

Johnny heard the direction of the conversation and knew he needed to make his presence known. He stepped softly onto the top floor and began walking in the direction of the two men who were now embracing in the far corner. "Ah…Roy, I've got a rescue belt," he said quietly attaching himself to Roy's lifeline to guide him.

"Richie…I need to attach a belt around your waist then connect it to me so we can go down." He held the quivering man in a bear hug as he asked permission to continue the rescue efforts.

Richie no longer had the strength to speak but managed a gentle affirmative nod. Johnny was close enough to see it.

"I'm gonna bring it over." Johnny spoke.

"You tied off, Junior?"

"Yea…I'm on your line." Johnny responded as he moved closer then kneeled down beside his partner. "I'll put it on and then secure the two of you together." Johnny didn't wait for an answer. He pulled the belt around the man's thin frame. Once secured, he attached it to Roy's belt. "Ok…you guys are ready."

"Go on down, Johnny. We're gonna take our time."

"'k." Johnny mumbled then stood up leaving Roy to finish what he'd started. He used Roy's lifeline to get back to the stairway and then secured his carabiners back to the railing and began his second descent of the night.

Hank had watched Johnny stand up and walk into the shadows of the upper floor. His own knees trembled until he again saw the dark haired paramedic emerge back onto the stairs coming down. He also noticed that Johnny was no longer carrying the rescue belt. _Way to go, men. _He knew that there was a third person and that the rescue was coming to a close with a positive outcome.

When Johnny reached the ground, Hank met him and shook his hand. "Congratulations, John…to you and Roy." Hank knew by the look on the younger man's face that Johnny thought he was receiving accolades for the rescues but Hank had another meaning in mind.

Fifteen minutes later, Johnny was helping transfer Trey to the gurney for the ambulance ride to Rampart. Chet helped Bethany into the back of the ambulance wrapped in a yellow blanket, sporting a bandage across her forehead. She sat on the bench beside Johnny as Trey was loaded.

"I'll be right behind you." Mr. Buchanan announced. "Bethany, should I call your mom?"

Bethany's eyes widened. "Oh no! She's supposed to go to work in a few minutes. I have to get home to take care of Peter." She tried to throw the blanket off of her shoulders but Johnny stopped her.

"Whoa…now, you need to get checked out first."

"Listen, I'll swing by your apartment and let your mom know what's happened and that you're alright. Don't you worry about anything, ok?"

Johnny gave her a crooked smile. "It'll be a'right."

"Ok, thank you, Mr. Buchanan. Tell her…I'm real sorry." Bethany began to tear up just as Trey reached out his uninjured hand and held hers.

Hank closed the doors of the ambulance and gave the driver the two slaps to signal they were ready to leave. He then moved over to the second ambulance. "I'll have Marco bring the squad to the hospital."

"Thanks, Cap." Roy spoke beneath red-rimmed eyes. He glanced down at his patient whose hand was still clutched in his own. He had managed to talk Richie into seeking medical treatment and had promised to make the trip with him in the back of the ambulance.

Hank closed the doors, again giving the second driver the same two obligatory slaps. He turned at the sound of Marco behind him.

"Cap, want me to take the squad in?"

He turned to see Marco had already collected the two helmets left by their paramedics. And a grin crossed Hanks features that would have made the phantom proud. "Yea…but I think we're all gonna meet them there."

E!

Johnny delivered his two patients into treatment rooms 2 and 3 per Dixie's instructions. She then returned to her position at the nurse's station where she continued to entertain a young boy familiar to everyone in the ER. Dr. Brackett followed Bethany into treatment room two while Dr. Morton went with Johnny and Trey into the third room. Johnny knew he'd be needed to help transfer Trey to the exam table. He'd seen Desmond perched on top of the nurse's station and wondered briefly what might have brought the youngster back to Rampart. He made a mental note to speak to the child when Dr. Brackett released him from assisting with Trey.

Roy continued his ministrations to comfort his patient as Richie was wheeled into treatment room 1 followed by Nurse Betty. As the door closed behind them, Dr. Early and Janice Coston entered Office 127. It was a moment Janice had both dreaded and longed for ever since HIV testing had become available.

Marco entered the corridor looking carefully for his two medics. He stopped momentarily at Dixie's desk to make his inquiries. "Hi, Dixie. Seen the guys?"

"Yea, John's in 3 with the Buchanan boy and I just saw Roy go into 1 with his patient." She smiled at the firefighter. "And Marco Lopez, I'd like for you to meet Desmond Coston. Dez is one of our regulars here."

"Nice to meet you, Dez." Marco said extending his hand.

"Nice to meet you too." The young boy responded with his own small hand shaking that of the larger firefighter.

"Say…Dixie you don't happen to have any shoe polish do you?"

The pretty nurse contorted her face into a quizzical look. "Sure," she glanced at Marco's black shoes. "But we only use white around here."

The older man grinned beneath his dark mustache. "Perfect."

"Well, if you'll sit here with Dez for a minute then I'll go get it out of my locker."

"No problem," he said pulling off his helmet and placing it on the young boy's head.

Moments later, Dixie returned with the bottle and placed it in the darker hand of the firefighter.

"Well, Dez…looks like I'll need my helmet back."

"Ah, man!" The child uttered pulling it off and handing it back to Marco.

"Thanks, Dixie. Ah, don't tell the guys I'm here yet; got a surprise for them."

She gave him a knowing wink then turned her attention to the sound of Janice and Dr. Early coming out of Kel's office. "Looks like your mom's ready to go, Dez." She exchanged knowing smiles with Janice as she dried her eyes with the pink tissue Dr. Early had provided to her.

At that moment, Johnny exited treatment room 3 and sauntered up to the young boy. "Hey there, Dez. You been feelin' ok?"

"Johnny!" The young boy threw his dark arms around the neck of the lanky paramedic.

"He's been feeling pretty good lately." Janice sniffed wiping her nose with the crumpled tissue.

"Hi, Janice." Johnny looked up pulling away from Dez slightly. When he saw her tears, his heart dropped to his knees.

Janice knew her tear-stained face had caused Johnny concern. He was as easy to read as a book with his expressive face. "And now I'm feeling pretty good too. Dr. Early just gave us some really good news." She glanced back over her shoulder at the gray haired physician.

"Glad I could do it." He said.

"Oh, Joe…you've got a patient in one. Roy's in there with him." Dixie announced.

"Oh yea…Doc, let me fill you in on a little history there before you go in." Johnny looked at Dez and Janice. "I'm really happy for you. Uh, if you'll excuse me?"

"Sure." Janice allowed a smile to warm her face. "Ready to go, Dez?"

Johnny and Dr. Early stepped to the side away from the hearing of anyone nearby and Johnny filled him in on the events of the night. Joe listened to Johnny's explanation and knew he'd have his work cut out for him when he entered treatment room one.

"Thanks, Johnny. This really helps." He patted the younger man on the shoulder as they returned to the nurse's station.

At the end of the corridor, Janice and Dez rounded the corner turning left towards the glass doors just as another mother and son walked in. The two boys smiled at each other; neither knowing just how similar and yet how different their circumstances really were.

Rachael held tight to Peter's hand as she frantically searched for the information desk. Behind her, Judson Buchanan stood looking around as well. Johnny recognized the high school principal and then quickly made the connection with Trey and Bethany. He hurriedly stepped in their direction to offer his assistance, now recognizing the mother and child as well.

"Hi…they're in here. Trey is getting x-rays in treatment room 3 and Bethany is in treatment room 2."

"Thank you." Mr. Buchanan stepped next to the door of his son's room knowing he couldn't enter until the x-rays were completed.

"Is she…is she ok?" Rachael asked the firefighter.

"Yes, ma'am. She just has a cut on her forehead. Probably won't need stitches but they'll make sure she's up to date on her tetanus shot. She cut it on an old rusty fence."

He watched Rachael purse her lips into a thin line and was quickly reminded of how she'd treated the girl at the scene of their house fire. "She's a very brave girl with a wonderful caring heart."

Rachael shot him a look of surprise.

Johnny smiled down at Peter. "You have two great kids, Ms. Carmichael," he said patting Peter on the top of his head.

Slowly, she looked from Peter to John and then gulped as realization dawned on her face. "Yes…yes, I do." She squeezed Peter's hand. "Thank you, Mr. Gage." She reached over and embraced the dark haired paramedic who simply returned her gesture with a lopsided grin.

He watched as Rachael and Peter entered Bethany's room and before the door closed behind them he saw the woman embracing her daughter. He slipped his hands into his pockets and turned toward the sound of the door to treatment room 1 opening.

"How is he?"

Roy exhaled deeply before he answered. "Well, we've talked him into staying for a few days. I think Dr. Early's going to work on getting him on an antidepressant and then see about improving his nutrition level…got to try to get him healthier so he can fight this as long as possible."

Johnny nodded. "You did good on this one, Roy," he offered his partner encouragement.

Roy leaned against the wall. "Took a lot outta me, Junior. But…it felt good…felt right."

Johnny clasped a hand on Roy's shoulder as they turned towards the exit. "Where the hell's Marco?"

E!

"Hey, here they come." Chet called out and the rest of the station members slipped out of sight.

Mike had parked the engine in front of Rampart so it wouldn't be seen and Marco had left the squad backed into a parking spot near the ambulance bay. The four remaining crew members stayed hidden in the shadows waiting for the two paramedics to open the doors of their squad.

"Think Mike stopped by to pick him up? I don't see him anywhere?" Roy said to his partner as the two walked to their respective doors of Squad 51.

"I'll radio the station just to make sure. Don't wanna leave him here." Johnny kidded opening the passenger's door of the squad. He stood for a moment staring at the seat. "What the…"

"Hell?" Roy finished his partner's statement for him, standing with his own door open and staring at the tan colored bench seat in the squad.

There, in the places where the two men normally sat, were their respective helmets…each with a white stripe painted down the center in white shoe polish.

Johnny grimaced and looked into the startled eyes of his partner. "Damn it, Chester B. He skunked our helmets! I'm gonna…"

"Johnny, I…I don't think even Chet would pull this stunt. Only one person would do this." His mind had gone in a completely different direction than Johnny's. He pulled his blue eyes up scanning the parking lot looking for that one person…and saw him walking towards the squad.

"Congratulations, you two!" Hank's booming voice brought them out of their shock. "It's what I was trying to announce to everyone when we got toned out to the high school."

Mike, Marco and Chet gathered around their superior, all smiling. Hank continued, "Captain DeSoto and Captain Gage. You did it, fellas."

Roy looked over the hood at his partner who was staring open-mouthed back at him. Suddenly, they both giggled like little girls. "Captain?"

"That's what the man said, DeSoto." Mike chided.

"Way to go," Marco offered stepping over and shaking the hands of the two men who had stepped toward each other in front of their squad.

"Damn," Chet said extending his own congratulatory hand. "Now I'm gonna have to break in a new pigeon."

"Or just score higher on the Engineer's exam," Johnny rebutted.

"Yea…then maybe I could be your engineer and the phantom could keep on…"

"Getting assigned latrines!" Johnny interrupted, both men melting into affectionate laughter.

"I'm very proud of the two of you," Hank explained. "I'm proud of all you men…and…" He gulped back his own emotions. "And no matter how many more crews I supervise during the rest of my career…I'll never have a group as special as this one."

A few sniffles could be heard in the parking lot that night as each man silently agreed with Hank's words. "So, we still have a few more shifts together and…well, I'd really like to have a picture made of all of us one last time."

E!

Epilogue

Johnny held the framed picture of the 'A' shift of Station 51 in his hand, a gift from Hank Stanley at the barbeque at his house the previous night. "Gonna miss you guys." He whispered to himself as he set the frame back in place on the shelf in his living room. He picked up his keys from the hook near the door; carrying his white dress uniform hat in his hand, he walked out the door heading for his rover. Today was the big day.

E!

Roy ran a finger along the framed photograph of the 'A' shift from Station 51. Joanne had hung it on the wall in the hallway. He placed his dress uniform hat on his auburn hair and walked out the door. Today was the day it became official but the success was bittersweet. His life would never be the same as it had been for the last decade but those memories and those friendships would be forever engraved upon his heart and he would carry them with him into the next chapter of his career.

E!

Richie Owens placed the chairs in a circle inside the community room and then began to set out the refreshments. He looked up when the door opened.

"Wow," Wanda Brownlee exclaimed. "This looks great. How many are you expecting?"

"Well…I've gotten calls from six people confirming they'll be here but…we won't know until they show up, ya know?" He said removing the cookies from the bakery box.

"Coffee smells good. Mind if I have a cup?"

Richie looked at the Public Health Nurse he'd grown to admire. "Of course, have a cookie too. Or we have fruit and veggies if you'd prefer." He waved his hand across the refreshment table.

"Thank you so much for agreeing to do this, Richie. I have to admit that I was a bit shocked when you called me that day from your hospital room but…I really do think you're the best person to lead group.

"I hope so, Wanda. I'm nervous but…well, like I told you that day…I had a long talk with someone who gave me some really good advice and helped me see that every life is valuable…we all have something to offer someone else…even if it's just a warm touch." He reached out and grasped the well-manicured ebony hand of his nurse.

"Never underestimate the power of human touch." She smiled, gently squeezing the thin hand inside her own.

"Excuse me…are we in the right place? Is this the support group?"

Richie and Wanda looked up at the woman who stood in the doorway, flanked by a younger version of herself. "Yes, welcome Rachael and Bethany. This is Wanda Brownlee. Please come in. We have refreshments so please help yourselves while we wait for the others to arrive." He stepped over toward the doorway and extended his hand in an inviting handshake. The three had been introduced during his hospital stay; when he'd learned the identity of the girl who'd been so instrumental in saving his life and had asked to meet her.

"Thank you. You look like you're feeling better since the last time we saw you." She accepted his hand and the three walked towards the refreshment table as others began to trickle into the room.

E!

*Roy and Johnny sat across from each other on a picnic table at headquarters. Each held a styrofoam cup of coffee as they sat reminiscing over the last decade; they took a stroll down memory lane from the days before the Wedsworth-Townsend Act was passed by the California legislature through some of the most memorable rescues of their career. Each man had experienced his fair share of brushes with death and each had depended on the other to bring him home alive. As the reality set in that they'd no longer be working as partners, no longer there to save the other from certain death on the job, melancholy seemed to cloud their faces.

Johnny reached over and nudged Roy's new Captain's badge. "But, you finally made it, Cap'n."

"We both did."

"Yea…that we did." Johnny nodded, casting a brown eyed glance towards his former partner.

"Well…guess I better get going home…Joanne…and the kids…you know?"

"Yea…well…I gotta go too…so..." He pulled his lanky legs out from under the picnic table as he and Roy picked up their hats and walked side by side across the patio towards the railing. "Listen now, ah…we are gonna be…stayin' in touch with one another right?"

"Right," Roy piped up. "I mean just because we're not working together..."

"Yea….that's exactly what I mean…it's just that, ah…well you know what I mean." He leaned his forearms across the railing, the breeze blowing tufts of Johnny's dark hair as he stood there grappling with his emotions.

"Yea…I mean it's not like we're moving out of town or anything. We're still here…still in the same department…we're still friends." Roy's blue eyes seemed even brighter in the sun as he looked upon the man who had always been there for him. Most people thought it was the other way around. That Roy had been the stalwart one whom Johnny had always leaned heavily upon. But deep in Roy's heart, he knew that John Gage was a man of inner strength and fortitude like none other he'd ever met. He knew that under his friend's command, the Los Angeles County Fire Department would raise up many more leaders, both paramedics and firefighters alike…and he felt honored to call the man standing before him his best friend.

"But…still..." Johnny struggled.

"Yea."

"Roy, uh…"

"Yea?" He looked up with hopeful blue eyes.

Johnny leaned back, eyes down cast. He wanted to tell Roy how grateful he was that he'd convinced Johnny to sign up for the paramedic program that long ago afternoon; tell him how much their friendship had meant to him over the years. He wanted to let Roy know he'd always considered him to be a brother….and how much he'd admired his level headed ways, keeping Johnny grounded when he was about to fly apart. He also wanted to tell him how much it meant to him to hear Roy talking to Richie that night, not so long ago, when the young man had wanted nothing more than to cease to exist. He wanted Roy to know that when he told Richie to think of the acronym HIV as meaning Humanity Is Valuable….well, it touched Johnny forever. There had been so many times in his life when he hadn't thought of himself as having any value; times when he performed some risky maneuvers during rescues probably because he didn't see the value in his own life. The last year had made him look at life- all life - through a completely different set of eyes. And now, with the eyes of a Captain, he'd be taking those memories and lessons learned with him into the next phase of his career. He wanted to let Roy know that he too felt honored to call the man standing before him his best friend. But, instead he shook his mussed up hair and choked back the tears while forcing his lips into a thin line. They had always been able to communicate without words. It was what made them such an unstoppable team. They each knew what the other was thinking…today, more so than ever.

He briefly mouthed the word 'nothin' and knew that Roy understood. "C'mon, I'll tell ya what…I'll walk ya out to your car." Johnny offered as he donned his white hat and turned away from the railing.

"Alright." Roy agreed, following Johnny's lead adorning his auburn hair with his white dress uniform hat. Then Johnny reached across and clasped a familiar hand on his best friend's left shoulder as they walked away from headquarters and into the pages of Los Angeles County Fire Department history.

E!

*Scene/dialogue from "Greatest Rescues of Emergency!" Season 7 episode 4.


End file.
